Special Thanks to my writing partner, who came up with the idea and started writing it for me while I was making her a sandwich.
"No, you don't understand. I have to be in there with Anna," Elsa protested. The midwife ignored her, pulling her down the hall with hands that were iron on Elsa's shoulders.
"You know the traditions. Husbands are not allowed in the birthing room."
Elsa let out a frustrated groan. "For the last time, I'm not her husband, I'm her wife!" Elsa said as she was shoved through a door at the wrong end of the hall. The midwife let out a graceless snort.
"Sure you are, and I'm a professional sea-monster slayer," the midwife said. She then shifted her stance in front of the door, blocking Elsa out. Evil cow. Elsa bet that she did slay sea monsters on the weekends.
There was no way that Elsa would get past the midwife like this. She had to change tactics. Elsa put on her best despairing expression.
"Just... just make sure she's alright. I couldn't bare it if I were to lose her," Elsa said, her voice cracking at the end.
The effect was immediate. The midwife's expression softened and her shoulders lowered. She moved to put an arm around Elsa.
"Don't worry about-" but Elsa was already in motion, ducking under the midwife's arm and ran back into the hall. Ha! Just a few more steps and she would be by Anna's side, welcoming their child into the world.
The door was closer now, closer than it had been before the evil midwife had stopped her. She only had eyes for that door... or at least she did before she came face to face with the floor.
"OOMPH!" said Elsa, trying to get back up, despite the weight of the evil midwife on top of her. "You tackled me! I am your queen, you can't tackle me."
"That is quite enough, Queen Elsa. You know the rules, now out!" the midwife said, before bodily lifting Elsa up and throwing her out of the door, closing and locking it behind her. Hmph. As if that was going to stop her from attending the birth of her child.
Fifteen minutes later, she was outside of the window creating an ice ladder, with Kristoff and Sven looking out for guards. Apparently the entire kingdom was under the impression that Elsa was a husband and therefore had no place in the birthing room.
"I don't understand how you got yourself into this mess," Kristoff said.
"The stupid midwife won't let me in to see my wife," Elsa said from between clenched teeth. Stupid tackling evil midwife.
"That is the least of the things I don't understand. How are you even going to be a father in the first place?" he asked.
"I'm magic, I do what I want." Elsa didn't really have the time to explain the specifics, and even if she did she would not be having this conversation with someone who used to date Anna.
"Look, the ladder is ready. Just do your job and make sure no one sees me," Elsa said as she started to ascend. It was more slow going than she wanted it to be, but the ladder was made of ice and she had been stupid enough to wear heels. That were also made of ice.
"Al...most... there..." she muttered as the top of her head became level with the window sill.
She was concentrating so much that she didn't hear the window open. She only looked up when she heard the triumphant "Ha!"
A large bucket full of hot water poured over her and down her ladder. In a puff of steam the ladder melted and Elsa dropped. She had just enough time to conjure a pile of snow to cushion her fall.
"I always wondered what hot water was for during births," Kristoff said. She glowered at him. Her hair was soaking wet, her wife was giving birth, and she was being foiled at every turn by a stupid evil ladder melting midwife.
"You're dress is gone," he pointed out.
Stupid. Evil. DRESS MELTING midwife.
"Oh, this is so exciting. It's going to be a little baby. And it'll have little toes and hands and it will be so precious."
"Olaf, if you're going to help me with this you have to keep quiet," Elsa hissed. She was holding her breath, trying to move quickly on her hands and knees while trying not to make a sound that would give her away. It had been a long time since she and Anna had explored these places as children, and she had forgotten how very small the secret passages of the castle could be. But she hadn't forgotten that there was one that would put her directly through to the birthing room.
Olaf, as oblivious as ever, had gotten really excited about their 'secret mission' and could not be dissuaded from coming along. He had even put a black balaclava over his head to be more 'mysterious'.
Here. Fourth door down. This was the right room. In less than a minute she would be at Anna's side, helping her through this. Greeting her child as it came into the world. She bit her bottom lip and pulled open the door.
Anna was standing by the window, wrapped in shawls and facing away from her. Elsa felt herself growing faint as she stood and brushed off the dust. Had she missed it? Where was the baby?
"Anna!" Olaf pushed passed Elsa, racing over to Anna as Elsa stood there, too scared to move.
"Hyaaa!" Anna spun around, and kicked Olaf. His butt flew across the room, smacking Elsa in the face.
"I knew you'd try again!"
It wasn't Anna. It was the Evil Midwife of Doom.
"Watch out for my foot!" Olaf yelled as the midwife picked up the foot to lob it at Elsa.
"Where do you think she moved her?" Elsa asked despondently. "What if I never get to see her again? I bet that stupid, evil, conniving Midwife is planning on stealing her from me forever."
She was pouting, laying on her back on the floor of the royal sitting room. She was a queen, she wasn't supposed to pout. But there it was, and she was considering crying while she was at it.
Sven's face was thrust in front of her own. "Come on, Elsa. Turn that frown upside down."
"If you make that fucking reindeer talk to me again I will freeze your ass in a pillar."
"Just trying to lighten the mood."
Sven licked her.
How long had it been since Anna had gone into labour? Five hours? Three days? How long did it take to have a baby? Would that midwife even tell her if there was something wrong?
She rolled onto her side, curling up into a ball. She really was going to cry.
"I don't care!"
She sat up so fast that she bonked her head on Sven's. That had been Anna's voice, coming from outside the room.
"Please, my lady..." That was the evil midwife, no longer sounding cool and in control.
"Elsa! Get your ass out here!"
Elsa stumbled over her dress and her heels and half crawled, half ran to wrench the door open.
"You're going to have the baby on the floor if you're not careful!" the midwife panted from behind Anna.
Anna, still very much pregnant, with sweat drenching her brow and wearing nothing more than an oversized tunic. "I don't care if I give birth on the floor. I. Want. My. Wife."
"Anna!" Elsa wrapped her arms around her, relieved and shaken to see that Anna was alright.
"Oooo," Anna clutched at her swollen belly.
"That's another contraction. They're very close," the midwife was saying. "You need to get back to bed."
Anna looked up at Elsa and smiled though her face was quite white. "She said you couldn't come in," she explained. "So I decided to come find you."
The midwife was becoming near to hysterics. "Your Highness, please..."
"Only if she comes with me!"
"Fine! Fine! Just please, get come back to bed!"
Anna bent over with the force of another contraction.
Elsa finally found her voice. "You are so..." Crazy? Impossible? Wonderful? "...Anna. You can't walk like this."
"I'll carry her," volunteered Kristoff.
"No," Elsa said. "I'll do it."
"She's too heavy, you might drop her. How about Sven carries her?"
"I am not having the royal heir born on a caribou!" the midwife said, stamping her foot.
"Reindeer, thank you!" Kristoff protested in Sven's voice.
"Are you guys coming?" Everyone turned to look at Olaf. He had Anna comfortably seated on his head.
"How are you doing that?" Kristoff asked, in his own voice this time.
"I'm magic. I can do what I like."
"It's a girl!" the midwife said happily, passing the baby to Elsa.
"Oh! Just like her mummy!" Olaf cried, clapping happily. "I'm going to tell Sven!"
Elsa stared down at the little pink blob that was her baby daughter, and she burst into tears.
"Bring her over here!" Anna said. Elsa obeyed, tears still streaming down her face. She passed the baby to Anna. Her hands were trembling. After everything, she was here and safe. They were both safe.
"I think she looks like you," Anna declared. Elsa wiped at her eyes and tried to look closely at the baby.
Elsa didn't see it. Unless she looked like a wrinkly tomato.
Actually, she probably did look like a wrinkly tomato after crying so much.
The baby stirred in it's swaddling. It blinked its eyes, then began to wail.
Snow began to fall from the ceiling. Anna looked at Elsa.
"It's not me," she said, startled. They both looked back at the baby.