I'm Edward Cullen, and this is the story of the time I, fell in love.

My story starts off simple enough. I have four kids, Katerina (Kat), Edward Jr. (EJ), Krystan (Krys), and Ellijah (Eli). I know, matching names. Trust me, it wasn't my idea. My ex-wife, Kate, was really into that matching bullshit. Me? Not so much a fan, but it's not like I can really change it now, so, I digress.

Anyway, back on track. I have four beautiful children. I have an ex-bitch, I mean ex-wife. I probably shouldn't say things like that about the mother of my children, but she seriously is a huge fucking bitch!

She wasn't always like that, we used to really be in love. Or so we thought. It was perfect, until she got pregnant. When my dad found out, he encouraged (forced) us to get married. (And I know I said it was a simple story but it will be, it's just the beginning that's a little rocky.)

Now I bet you're asking why my dad would care if we had a kid out of wedlock. Well our fathers are sort of a morality nuts, you know different generation and all.

Also, I am the sole heir to Cullen International. Don't ask me what the company does, I honestly don't know. My dad refuses to tell me, and my grandfather was sworn to carry the secret to his deathbed. Needless to say, I can't wait for Grandpa Cullen to lay on the bed of death.

What? I didn't say die, just be close to it.

Back on track, (I honestly think I have ADD sometimes), we got married and had my beautiful princess, Katerina Neda Cullen. She was the perfect baby. Barely cried, never fussed. She was so perfect that when Kate got pregnant two years later, we were so happy. But when Edward Anthony Cullen Jr. came into this world, we were in for a rude awakening. He was literally the exact opposite of his older sister.

Now it wouldn't have been so bad, had Kate not fallen into depression. They called it post-partum depression. At first it was just little things, like she didn't want to feed him, or change him. But one day, when I got home from work, EJ lay in his crib screaming at the top of his lungs, hungry and dirty. Naomi sitting silently sobbing in the corner of his room. I got them cleaned, fed, and down to bed, before looking for my wife. When I found her, she was doing laundry in the basement. I confronted her, she broke down, we got her help.

It only took her about six months to get better, but she was never really herself. She was always distant, with me and the kids. She did the bare minimum with them. We barely talked or had sex. When she insisted on getting a job, I was against it. I didn't want my kids with a stranger, but when I thought about, I figured anyone would be better than them staying home all day with a mom who doesn't want them.

We were basically going through the motions for years, so I wasn't shocked when I came home early and found her in bed with someone else. I was shocked however to see that it was another woman. I have to admit that I watched for a little while, (maybe I wanked off. I mean two women, come on). After I cleaned myself off, they were still going at it, so I went to get my kids from their after-school program.

I prayed to God they'd be done when I got back, and thanked him when he answered my prayers.

When we walked through the doors, Kate was in the kitchen cleaning. I walked the kids right passed her and into their rooms to play. When I came back down, she was in the same position.

I stood and watched her for a minute before I told her I wanted a divorce. She stilled and slowly turned her head to me. We argued, she threw stuff, I told her what I saw. In the end, I got my divorce.

A month later, she told me she was pregnant.

She had been living with her lover, Tanya, since that day I caught her. When she came by to get some of her stuff one day, she started throwing up in the bathroom. When I asked what was wrong with her, she said she was pregnant. Now I was shocked for about three point two seconds, before I remembered my birthday, where we had sex in the shower, and because we were in a rush, I didn't use a condom.

So we went along with the divorce, she stayed with Tanya, and we found out we were having twins.

Now that really did shock me.

Nine months came and went, and just like with my other two children, I was in the delivery room. Unlike my other children, Kate had to have an emergency c-section.

We were informed that this was the preferred method when the mother was carrying multiples, especially when she was as small as Kate was.

When the doctor pulled out my little girl and I saw her, she was starting to turn blue and she wasn't crying. The doctor said it was something called Meconium Aspiration, and was probably due to Kate's high blood pressure.

They finally got her breathing and when they got my son out, he was perfectly fine. I held both Krystan Nadine Cullen and Ellijah Adrian Cullen in my arms at the same time. I had my mom bring in Kat and EJ so they could see their new siblings. With all my kids together, everything was perfect.

I guess you could say I was in a fog of happiness, even with the divorce. So as you probably know by now, I can't stay happy for long. So I probably should have predicted the shit storm Kate was about to throw my way.

When the twins were about six or seven months, Kate ran off somewhere with her lover Tanya. To where, I really couldn't give two fucks, all I know is she left me with four kids, and no answers.

Yeah, you see where I'm coming from now when I call her a bitch. It wasn't like I cared what she did with her life after our divorce, its the fact that I didn't know what to tell our kids. They kept asking for mommy, and what was I supposed to say? "Mommy ran off with her lesbian lover and who the hell knows when she's coming back?" No. I would not traumatize my kids like that. So I just told them that mommy went on a trip and she couldn't bring her phone and she didn't know when she would be able to come back, but she loved them very much.

And they bought it. I mean yeah, they occasionally asked questions, and I gave them bullshit answers, but I just wanted my kids to not be sad. Is it so wrong to want them to be happy, even if it involves lying to them?

You know what, don't judge me. You don't like my story, leave now. Because my kids are a fucking hilarious mess, and if you're not ready for gut wrenching laughter, you can just click that back button now, and never return.