When Good Majors Go Bad
By "Blue Raja"
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Author's note: This story takes place between Margaret's engagement and the height of Frank's insanity. I'm sorry if some of the dates are messed up, I kind of molded the time to my advantage. :)
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When Major Frank Burns found out about the impending marriage of Major Margaret Houlihan and Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott, it appeared that he was taking it like a "man". But, in reality, he was slowly and surely going nuts.
At first, he was convinced that Margaret was putting him on, pulling his leg. But she wasn't. So, to keep himself sane, he decided to keep a journal.
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"Corporal O'Reilly, I would like to requisition a notebook." blurted Frank as he entered the company clerk's office/room.
"Yes sir, major..." began Radar.
"You don't have to say sir and major, corporal." Frank frowned.
"Sorry major, sir."
"That's better."
"Anyway, sir, I have about five green notebooks right here, but if you want another color..."
"I don't particularly care what color it is. Why aren't you on your feet? I'm a superior officer, you'll stand at attention until I tell you to be at ease!" stormed Frank.
"Yes, sir!" Radar leaped to his feet and stood at attention. He had gotten up so quickly that he had knocked over his chair. "Should I get you your notebook now, sir?" He asked tentatively. 'Oh, geez, I hope he doesn't blow up...' thought Radar.
"Yes, you may." replied Frank calmly. He gave a small nod as he received the book. He left.
"Phew..." Radar slumped down into his chair with a long, exasperated sigh. The only problem was that his chair wasn't there. "Yagh!!!" he screamed as he flew out onto his back.
"What in the name of Beelzebub is going on in there?" shouted Colonel Potter from the next room.
"Uh, nothing sir! I just... tripped!" lied Radar as he started cleaning the mess he had made. 'There's just something really wrong with Major Burns...' he thought.
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December 27, 1951
Margaret is marrying Donald Penobscott. Imagine... Major Margaret Penobscott...
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In the mess tent, Igor was serving a very bad excuse for food... as always.
Frank sat on the bench next to BJ Hunnicutt. "Hey guys!" he said with a false smile.
"What do you want, Frank?" Captain Hawkeye Pierce through a mouthful of "Mashed Potatoes."
Frank looked at Hawkeye, then at BJ, then at Hawkeye again, obviously shocked, "What's that supposed to mean? Just because I say 'Hey', it doesn't mean I want something!" said Frank indignantly.
"No? Okay then." with that, Hawkeye and BJ left Frank and sat on the other side of the tent. Frank stuck out his tongue at their backs.
Radar passed by, "Um, major Burns? What did you want that notebook for?" he asked nervously
"None of your beeswax, you... you... Buttinski!"
"Oh. Sorry to disturb you sir. Bye sir." Radar rushed off for some papers that needed signing by colonel Potter.
"Stupid enlisted personnel. I don't see why..." Frank's thought was cut off by the sight of Margaret entering the mess tent. "Oh, Margaret... why are you doing this to me?" he thought bitterly. He was saddened even more when she only gave him a disgusted glance as she sat down with Hawkeye and BJ.
"I'm going to get her back if it's the last thing I do..." he vowed.
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December 28, 1951
I will have Margaret. Penobscott absolutely cannot have her without a fight. What does Margaret see in him, anyway? I'll kill him if I have to. I'll kill everyone in this camp if it's necessary to get her back.
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Hawkeye relieved a fuming Frank from Post-OP duty. Frank looked at his watch, "You are a full 106 seconds late! Explain yourself!"
"Only 106 seconds late? Hold on a little longer, I'll be back when it's 300 seconds..." joked Hawkeye.
"Oooh, you think you're soo funny don't you?" Frank stomped off to the swamp.
"What's wrong with him?" Hawkeye asked no-one in particular.
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THE NEXT MORNING:
"Rise and shine, everyone. Your breakfast today is incoming wounded, arriving by chopper and ambulance. All shifts report to Pre-OP immediately!" announced the PA in a fit of static. Everyone groaned.
"I didn't even have time for my 8:00 martini!" complained Hawkeye
"Tell that to McArthur." BJ rolled his eyes comically.
"You two make me sick!" said Frank.
"What a coincidence... you make us sick too!" retorted Hawkeye.
"No, that's just because we drink too much, Hawk." corrected BJ. "The pukey dizzy feeling you get is Frank." At this, Frank threw a pillow at his roommates and stomped out of the Swamp.
"Was it something I said?" asked BJ.
"If it was, tell me what it was, so we can say it again!" quipped Hawkeye as he started going to Triage.
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50 HOURS LATER:
Everyone was tired after the 50-hour session. Surgeons and nurses alike slunk off to their tents.
Margaret was surprised to find a large white paper heart on her pillow. It had a note written on it.

"Margaret,
"I love you with all my heart and soul. I really want to see you before the wedding. I LOVE YOU!!!

It wasn't signed.
After reading it more than five times, Margaret flopped onto her cot and smiled. "Donald, you are so romantic!" she whispered into the air.
Right outside her tent, in the shadows, lurked the true writer of the note. When he heard the name Donald, the hopeless romantic ran to the motor pool, his eyes streaming with tears.
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December 29, 1951
Today I started planning. If Margaret doesn't come back to me by midnight tonight, I'll start with plan A: Taking prisoners. If that doesn't work...
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The Houlihan/Penobscott wedding was put off for another month when Father Mulcahy, who was going to marry the couple, got Hepatitis.
"Certainly one month isn't that long when we'll spend eternity together?" Margaret reassured Donald over the phone. After pushing the four-week delay for five minutes, Donald finally gave in.
"No longer than a month, though, okay?" he made sure that Margaret swore that the wedding would be no later than that.
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"Where is major Burns?" Potter asked Hawkeye and BJ in the Swamp.
"We dunno, he didn't sleep here last night... not that we waited for him or anything, he didn't wake us up this morning, so we just assumed that he had a date with Hot Lips." shrugged BJ
"Thank you for clearing that up with me." nodded Potter. "Radar!" he hollered.
"Yes sir?" said Radar a second later. "I alerted the MP's they're on the lookout for major Burns, sir." reported Radar.
"Radar, I want you to alert the MP's, tell them to be on the lookout for Burns." commanded Potter.
"I already did, sir. Bye sir." grinned Radar, and he was gone as soon as he had appeared.
"You can go now... oh, what's the use?" sighed Potter. "How can you tell Radar to do anything if he runs off and does it before you tell him to?" demanded Potter.
"Beats me. We'll tell you if we find out anything about Frank's whereabouts, colonel." Hawkeye promised.
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LATER THAT DAY:
"Move it, you commie pinkos!" ordered Frank as he led a Korean family into the camp at gun point.
"Frank! Where were you and what in the heck are you doing?!" hollered Margaret when she saw Frank. When everyone else heard Margaret yelling at Frank, a few people stopped what they were doing to see what was going on.
"Major Burns is back." Radar reported to the colonel.
"There must have been a sale at Chang's of Korea. capture 5, get one free." commented Hawkeye when he saw that one of the prisoners was pregnant.
Klinger had just stepped out of a shower, and when he saw Frank with a gun, he thought that Frank was going to shoot someone. Bravely (and irresponsibly), he ran towards Frank, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot!"
That's when Frank decided to shoot Klinger. Luckily for Klinger, he tripped over a rock, and the bullet missed him completely.
While Frank was distracted, a circle of spectators surrounded him. Colonel Potter and BJ restrained Frank, while Hawkeye and Margaret checked the Koreans for injuries. They were all okay, except for some cuts and bruises.
Radar stepped out of his office, "Was that a...? Omigosh...!" he stuttered at the sight of Klinger laying on the ground. He ran to the other corporal. "Geez Klinger! Are you OK?" he asked worriedly.
"Yeah...I'm fine... Yuck! This dirt tastes horrible!!" said Klinger, spitting out the dirt. "Oh no! I ruined my Blue Chiffon and I broke a heel off my $20 shoes! This is a tragedy!!" Klinger slowly got up and limped to his tent. "...Twenty bucks down the drain..." he muttered sadly to himself.
Radar shrugged and went to get some rope to tie up Frank.
"Radar, could you get us some rope to tie up Frank with?" asked Hawkeye.
"Yes, sir!" replied Radar as he handed the rope to the captain.
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January 3, 1952
They finally decided that I was sane enough to go. I'm never writing the names Donald Penobscott or Margaret Houlihan in this journal again! Tonight, I'm going to do something to Margaret that she'll never forget! Oh, how she's going to scream! And when I'm done, O'Reilly is going to be more careful about his "zoo." They'll learn to never mess with me!
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THE NEXT DAY:
Radar was going to feed his animals breakfast, when suddenly Margaret screamed. Of, course, everyone dropped what they were doing to see what was wrong. Margaret was standing outside her tent, brushing her hands on the front of her robe repeatedly.
"What's wrong?" asked a nurse from the crowd. Then somebody noticed that Margaret's hands were covered in blood.
"Omigosh, major, are you OK?" asked another nurse.
Finally Margaret managed to answer. "I'm fine... the thing under my cot, though..." then she flew into another fit of screaming.
Hawkeye, BJ, colonel Potter and Radar rushed into her tent. Radar was the first person to reach the cot. He looked under it and ran out of the tent. Hawkeye gave BJ and Potter a puzzled look and went after him.
"Oh, yuck..." shuddered Potter when he saw what it was.
"That's disgusting!" agreed BJ. The thing under the cot was a dead skunk.
"What is it?" asked Hawkeye, holding his nose as he returned to the scene of the crime.
"Skunk..." choked BJ, obviously revolted at the smell.
"Aw, geez. No wonder Radar..." started Hawkeye.
"Hey! Where's Radar going?" asked BJ, pointing at Radar, who was running across the compound.
"I think I know where that skunk came from..." gasped Potter
At that exact moment, Radar arrived at his zoo. He let out a horrified shriek, and fainted.
"Everyone stay back!" yelled Klinger, who didn't even know what was going on.
Potter ran to assist Radar, while BJ and Hawkeye tried to figure out what was so horrifying about a bunch of animals. The problem wasn't the animals, though. It was what had happened to them. One cage had been pried open with a scalpel, which was laying, twisted and broken, on the ground. Inside the empty cage, there was a pair of bloody dog tags.
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AN HOUR OR TWO LATER:
"Thank you very much for letting me sleep in the VIP tent, colonel. And, I would really appreciate it if you found out who did that... that... unspeakable deed!" finished Margaret.
"Major Houlihan is a very impressive woman. If I wasn't married to Mildred..." thought Potter, his thought was cut off by the loud, careless entrance of Hawkeye and BJ.
"We're Baa-ack!" Hawkeye joked. BJ added a small fanfare.
"This is serious business, you two! Now quit it with the horse hockey!" barked Potter. "Excuse me, major." He added quickly.
"Well, colonel, we couldn't find anybody with a grudge against Margaret or Stinky, so our conclusion is that some outsider snuck in, played an incredibly bad joke, and snuck out. Mind if I open this?" Hawkeye asked, signaling at the drink cabinet.
"No, I don't mind. Did you clean up the skunk?" he inquired, tossing Hawkeye the keys to the cabinet.
"Actually, we paid Igor to get it. Ugh..." shuddered BJ.
"I just hope he doesn't decide to use it for dinner tonight..." sniggered Hawkeye, who was well on his way to being drunk.
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January 5, 1952
I would have started today... but it was too sunny. Everyone would know. I can't take any chances. If I'm going to do it at all, I'll have to do it when no-one would notice.
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"Gee, I can't believe that it's winter!" smiled Hawkeye. The weather for the last four days had been good at the 4077th, and the casualties were few.
"Maybe Spring decided to start early for once?" said BJ, skipping back to the Swamp.
Inside the Swamp, Frank was cleaning the barrel of his new rifle. When he heard the two practical jokers coming, he quickly threw it into his footlocker and started doing something else.
"Hello Frank." said Hawkeye slyly.
"What are you two nosy nates up to?" scowled Frank suspiciously.
"The question is, what are you up to?" asked BJ.
"Nothing! I wasn't doing anything, and you didn't see me not doing it!..." Frank's voice went up an octave as he tried to cover up his actions.
"Hey! Don't get defensive! We were just wondering what you were doing with that rag in your hand... that's all." Frank looked at the rag blankly and then hid it.
"What rag? I don't see any rag! I haven't seen a rag all day!" yelled Frank, a little bit too loudly.
"Frankly, Frank, I'm starting to worry about you, you've been acting strange lately." Hawkeye winked at BJ. BJ could hardly contain his smile. "Are you sure that the sun hasn't affected your mind, Frank?" asked Hawkeye with fake worry.
"What? My mind... affected by sun? I don't know what you're talking about..." started Frank.
"I see... there's only one cure..." interrupted BJ, then he pulled out from under his bed a bucket full of cold water, and proceeded to dump it on the unsuspecting major's head.
"You... you..." sputtered Frank.
"You take that back!" yelled Hawkeye. "Imagine, calling me a 'you-you!'"
"I'm telling the colonel!!" whined Frank. With nothing else to say, Frank ran out of the Swamp, and to the colonel's office.
"Oh, boy, Hawk... we're gonna get it now!" laughed BJ. Meanwhile, Hawkeye studied Frank's footlocker carefully. It was locked.
"Is it just me, or did Frank hide something in there when we came in?" asked Hawkeye.
"Maybe he put in a foot." Said BJ. Noticing the puzzled look on Hawkeye's face when he said that, he explained, "It's called a footlocker, isn't it?" At that time, Frank stumbled out of the colonel's office. Colonel Potter was yelling, "...And don't you EVER drip on Mildred's picture again!!"
BJ and Hawkeye started laughing hysterically at the soaked major.
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Frank was preparing for his revenge. He had two rifles, both full of ammunition, and hidden in his footlocker. The only thing he needed now was a good time to start. Frank checked the skies and noted some dark clouds in the far east. "Perfect..." he thought wickedly.
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January 8, 1952
I'm starting now- Prepare for revenge...
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"Attention, all personnel. The temperature is a full 3 degrees below 0. Colonel Potter recommends that the whole camp be in blackout condition within the next half-hour, to conserve heat." the PA system announced, but it was barely heard over the blizzard that was going on outside.
BJ and Hawkeye were both doing Post-Op duty when Frank left the Swamp. He was wearing four layers of clothes, and underneath them all, two guns.
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Margaret was giving her hair 100 strokes with her new brush, when there was a knocking on her door.
"Who is it?" she asked.
"Margaret, it's me!" the person replied.
"Didn't Frank say that when we were... intimate?" she thought, pulling her robe tighter around herself as she hid her unmentionables. "Well, if it IS Frank, he's probably freezing out there..." she thought, "Coming!" she said out loud.
When she opened the door, she was more than surprised to see the barrel of a rifle aimed right at her nose.
"Hello, Margaret. Mind if I come in?" asked Frank, but he didn't wait for a response. "Oh. Margaret. If only you knew how much I really love you. I'd go to hell and back for you, (and I have!) and now you're turning your back on me, as if I were nothing but rag! You tossed me out, Margaret! And why? For whom? For Donald Penobscott, that's who! He isn't even worthy to say your name! Why are you doing this? Why?" Frank's voice raised an all-time high as he advanced on the blonde Major.
"Frank," Margaret squeaked hoarsely, "if you put down that gun for... a second or two, maybe we can... talk this over. There's... no need for violence, Frank. Let's talk rationally!" Frank slowly lowered the gun. Margaret dived for it, but Frank was too quick for her.
"Oh, no! I'm not that stupid... you didn't really think I'd fall for that, did you?" Frank let out an insane laugh. Margaret, uncertain of herself, laughed nervously.
"If I scream, will anyone hear me?" she thought frantically
"Margaret, I can't have you running around, ruining my plans," hissed Frank, "so, I'm very sorry, but... I'll have to do this!" with that. Frank shot Margaret in the leg. She screamed.
The Blizzard howled right outside the door.
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BJ and Hawkeye had just returned from the Post-Op ward. They were going to get Frank for his shift.
"Hmm... Hello? Frank? Ferret Face? I don't think he's here, Hawkeye." Observed BJ.
"How'd you figure that, Sherlock?" retorted Hawkeye. "Martini?" he offered BJ a freshly made martini from the still.
Suddenly, the door blew open, and a large figure stood in the doorway.
"Ahh! The abominable snowman!" yelped BJ, while Hawkeye laughed hysterically.
"Frank! Close the door! You're letting in the cold air!" yelled Hawkeye, wiping tears of mirth (or gin?) from his eyes. When Frank didn't move, BJ grabbed him, and pulled him into the tent. Frank scrambled to his feet and pulled out his rifle.
"Whoa! Frank! Let's not get touchy, now... hey!" Hawkeye gasped as Frank shot BJ. BJ collapsed to the floor, bleeding from a semi-serious shoulder wound.
"Frank! You could've killed me!" hollered BJ as Hawkeye helped him to his feet. Frank stood silent. "What are you doing with that gun, anyway?" continued BJ angrily
"You..." muttered Frank under his breath.
"What, Frank?" asked Hawkeye, who was becoming more enraged by the second.
"YOU..." repeated Frank loudly, "...ARE NEVER GOING TO MAKE ME SICK AGAIN!!!" he held up the rifle, and shot Hawkeye's martini glass off the table. It shattered, and gin splattered everywhere. Hawkeye was at a loss for words. What could you say at a time like this?
Frank, thinking that he had hit Hawkeye, ran out of the Swamp, cackling.
Outside, the storm raged on.
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Potter was glad that the officers' latrine was heated. As he headed back to his quarters, a stars and stripes magazine under one arm, he saw a dark shape running through the snow. The colonel lightly touched his pistol, suddenly glad that he had left it in his robe.
He quietly followed the figure into Klinger's tent. Potter was in luck, the figure, who was clad in a large winter coat, didn't notice as he slipped behind a row of the Klinger Collection.
The person started ransacking the corporal's tent. "Nerts!" hollered the person, and Potter placed the voice immediately.
"Major Burns!" he gasped, a little too loudly. Frank pushed aside Klinger's Cleopatra outfit and glared down at the colonel.
"Hello, Colonel Potter..." greeted Frank coldly, "I see we've been spying. Don't you know that it's not nice to spy on people?" Potter whipped out his pistol and pulled the trigger. The bullet tore a chunk of Frank's coat, but, otherwise, missed the major completely. Frank knocked Potter's gun from his hands and raised his own.
"Looks like you're going to be a casualty, colonel..." smiled Frank.
The storm's rage was building.
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Although Radar had unusually good hearing, the storm covered the sounds of gunfire, and he didn't notice Frank until the major entered his office.
"Hello, corporal." Frank said coldly. Radar turned around quickly.
"Major! You scared me!" Radar tried not to sound panicky.
"I'm going to be scaring you a whole lot more in just a minute!" Frank looked at Radar, and read terror in his eyes.
"You killed Stinky, didn't you?" asked Radar, his voice quivering loudly with accusation. Frank just smiled wryly. "Well?!" yelled Radar, "Aren't you going to answer me?"
"Yes, I killed the skunk. And now, I'm going to kill you." Frank pulled the trigger. There was a sharp click, and nothing happened.
Seizing his chance, Radar leaped at the major, and managed to grab his arm. Doing the only thing he could, Radar twisted it.
Frank screamed and shoved Radar off. Radar attacked again, this time with a pencil. He tried to stab Frank with it, but Frank kicked him in the stomach, and then sent Radar flying across the room. Radar hit a filing cabinet and slumped to the ground. Frank pulled out his backup rifle, and gave the wheezing corporal a nasty grin.
"You know what's sad? That is exactly how that smelly creature looked when I killed it." Frank giggled and took careful aim. He fired.
The wind howled loudly.
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Klinger was returning from a negotiation with the nurses. He was fuming.
"I can't believe that they won't take 3 pairs of nylons and a wedding gown for a lousy mink lined coat!" he whined, and shivered. "I could use that thing right about now!"
Upon entering his tent, Klinger gasped. "What a mess!" he exclaimed. Klinger was even more startled when he saw the colonel crawling out from underneath his ripped blue chiffon. "Colonel Potter! Ohmigosh! What in the...?"
"Major Burns has gone cuckoo, that's what! We've got to stop him!" interrupted Potter.
"I always thought he deserved a section 8!" exclaimed Klinger.
"Klinger, this is no time to be witty! Burns may have attacked someone besides me!" Potter slowly got to his feet.
"He attacked you?!" Klinger's face turned white. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I played dead and he just ran out."
Klinger gasped. "What if he got major Houlihan?" he asked.
"Let's check on her first." suggested Potter.
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When Klinger and colonel Potter arrived at the VIP tent, they were stunned. Margaret was sitting on her cot, and the sheets on it were soaked with blood. Margaret had had enough sense to tie a belt above her wound to slow the bleeding.
"Major! What happened?" asked Klinger.
"Frank shot me! That nincompoop! When I get my hands on him..." Margaret shivered with rage.
Colonel Potter interrupted Margaret's tirade, "Klinger, get the major to OR, and wait there for me. I'm going to check on the Swamp's inhabitants."
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Hawkeye was helping BJ to the OR, when colonel Potter literally ran into them.
"Frank shot BJ!" Hawkeye told the CO.
"I got shot by Frank!" agreed BJ. The colonel and the two captains walked through the snow to the OR.
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Meanwhile, Klinger was helping Margaret limp to OR.
"Let's not go through Radar's room," suggested Klinger, "we'd probably wake him up, and he'd start to worry." Margaret agreed.
As Klinger set up an operating table for the major, Margaret looked around the spacious room. Her eyes settled on something unnerving.
"Klinger!" she choked "Klinger! LOOK!" Klinger followed Margaret's pointed finger, and he saw them, too.
"Empty bullet cartridges!" Klinger identified the objects immediately.
"Do you suppose... he was here?" asked Margaret.
"Well, he's gone now." assured Klinger. Just then, BJ, Hawkeye, and colonel Potter came in. The five people looked each other over.
"What the heck happened to you?" Margaret asked BJ.
"I was about to ask the same thing." he replied.
Hawkeye and colonel Potter went to work. Hawkeye stitched up his best friend, and the CO took the bullet out of his chief nurse's leg.
While they finished up, Klinger sat on a third table and thought deeply.
"Hmmm..." he muttered.
"What is it, Klinger?" asked Hawkeye as he put the last stitch on BJ's shoulder.
"Well, I was just thinking... shouldn't we call the MPs? They'd probably catch Burns quicker..."
"Great idea," said Potter, "wake up Radar and get some of those MPs here, on the double!"
Klinger walked into the company clerk's office and immediately walked out again, his face totally drained of color. "Sirs, I think you better come see this..."
Leaving Margaret and BJ to recuperate, Potter and Hawkeye went to see what had frightened the section-8 wanna-be.
There were official-looking papers scattered everywhere, and signs of a struggle filled the room.
"Where's Radar?" asked Potter, concern flooding his voice.
"Here..." a small voice replied from behind the door. It was Radar. He was still sitting up against the filing cabinet, bleeding profusely from a chest wound, obviously inflicted by none other than major Frank Burns.
Radar was still conscious, but not for much longer.
"Get him into OR, now!!!" Hawkeye yelled to Klinger, obviously not noticing that that was what Klinger and Potter were doing
Margaret leaned on Klinger as she assisted Hawkeye and Potter with Radar. They had all totally forgotten about the MPs.
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An hour and a half later, Radar came to in Post-Op, which was empty except for his rescuers. They were discussing something quietly. Radar strained his ears and heard their plans.
"...And all because it's too snowy out there!" Klinger was reporting.
"Well, at least you tried, Klinger." said colonel Potter sadly.
"I say we go out there ourselves and catch him!" exclaimed BJ, slamming his fist in his palm. "OW!"
"Beej! Don't do that!" reprimanded Hawkeye.
The conversation was cut off there, when Margaret signaled to the others that Radar was up.
"Hey, Radar! How ya doing?" asked BJ.
"I'm going with you." replied Radar quietly.
"Huh?" asked Hawkeye.
Radar took a deep breath and repeated it more loudly. "I'm going with you!"
"Going where?" asked colonel Potter innocently.
"I'm gonna help you guys catch major Burns... he killed Stinky."
"Radar! We just operated on you! How are you ever going to get better if you go around looking for maniacs?" pointed out Hawkeye.
Radar frowned, and looked around the room. His eyes settled on a wheelchair. "There. I'll go in that wheelchair." Radar pointed at it. Klinger wheeled it over, and helped Radar into it. Radar smiled triumphantly.
"If he's going, so am I!" shouted Margaret.
Margaret was also loaded into a wheelchair, and the assemblage headed out into the wild Korean night.
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Frank was watching as the hunt started. The hunt for HIM. But it was okay. They could hunt all they wanted, as far as he was concerned, they would still end up dead. Frank's hand slipped into his pocket, and curled gently around his final weapon. His fingers slid smoothly across the checkered surface, and then, it's trigger, the pin.
Frank had found the grenade in the supply tent. It had been hidden in a box of boots.
Frank followed the group as they followed his footprints. He couldn't believe that they were all still alive. All that preparing, all that scheming, and it backfired! Frank watched as they entered the basketball "court." He smiled, and with a quick flick of his wrist, Frank threw the grenade. The pin lay safely in his palm. There was a loud boom, and Frank was temporarily blinded by a flash of light. Frank laughed happily, certain that the destruction of his enemies was complete. He skipped out of the compound, and into uncharted territory.
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The grenade had landed in the middle of the group. BJ was thrown against the basketball pole. After catching his breath, BJ staggered onto his feet. His arm hung limp and useless by his side as he ran to the nearest person.
It was Klinger. Klinger was knocked out, and his leg was bent at an unnatural angle under his dress.
BJ barely noticed as other personnel poked their heads out of their tents. Several nurses ran to assist their wounded friends.
Hawkeye also ran to assist the nearest casualty. It just happened to be Margaret. Her blond hair was spread out on the snow. She looked at Hawkeye and smiled weakly.
"I have snow going down my shirt!" she explained, Hawkeye breathed a sigh of relief. The major was fine
Nurse Biglow stumbled over to them in her thin cotton nightgown. "Everyone okay here?" she asked.
"Yep. Fine." responded Hawkeye reassuringly.
Nurse Biglow scrutinized Hawkeye. "Fine? Fine indeed! Captain, you may now know this, but you're bleeding!" Margaret looked at Hawkeye and nodded
"Am I?" Hawkeye asked. "Where?"
"Here." nurse Biglow touched Hawkeye gently on the forehead.
"OW! That stings!" cried Hawkeye.
Colonel Potter was carefully helped to his feet by nurse Kellye. "Does anything hurt, colonel?" she asked.
"Nothing except my derrière!" exclaimed Potter. Kellye looked at him blankly.
"Colonel, I don't speak German." Potter tried to explain that it was French for bottom, but Kellye had more to worry about.
Radar sat in the snow, waiting for someone to find him. "If that's what the front is like," he thought, "I'm glad I'm a company clerk!" Radar tried to smile as BJ, who appeared to him as a large fuzzball, approached him.
"You're gonna be okay, Radar." he said. Radar nodded, and closed his eyes.
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"Can you believe it? An exciting adventure like this, and Radar falls asleep!" Hawkeye laughed.
Radar looked at the captain and grimaced, "Well, I didn't get any sleep last night!"
Margaret nodded understandingly from the next bed in Post-OP. "Let's just hope there's no casualties for a while!"
An MP walked into the ward. "Is colonel Potter here?" he asked, unsure. Colonel Potter stood up from the edge of Margaret's bed and approached the MP.
"That's me. What is it?"
"Well, we found one of your surgeons last night. He was almost frozen to death, he wasn't wearing any clothes!"
Colonel Potter looked knowingly at his bedridden crew, and beckoned to Hawkeye, who's injuries were only minor ones. "Hawkeye, I think they found Burns."
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Frank was taken to a mental institute in Tokyo, where he was put under constant observation.
Colonel Potter called a meeting of the victims of Frank's insanity.
"You'll be glad to know that major Burns will not be returning to the 4077th." He paused as his audience cheered. "His replacement, Major Charles Emerson Winchester III, will be arriving within the next 48 hours. I expect that he will be treated with respect." Potter aimed this last comment at BJ and Hawkeye.
"What?" they asked innocently.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the Swamp, Hawkeye poured two martinis. He handed one to BJ, who had his arm in a cast.
"A toast..." he started
"Burnt or well done?" quipped BJ.
Hawkeye glared at BJ. "Don't interrupt! A toast, to Major Winchester. May he be better than Frank!"
"And if he isn't," smiled BJ, "that we can handle him as well as we handled ol' needle nose!"
There was a tinkle of olive on glass as the two jokers raised their martinis in tribute to Frank Burns, who, in a rubber room, far away, was laughing hysterically.
THE END

EPILOGUE
Margaret, Klinger, BJ, Hawkeye, and Radar each made a full and rapid recovery. Major Winchester arrived at the 4077th on schedule, wherein Hawkeye and BJ proceeded to... Well, that's another story altogether.