Summary: 1-shot. Sam decides honesty isn't always best when he realizes just how his words have hurt his brother & as he fears Dean's reactions he must come to terms with having to be honest about his reasons for being ready to die & hoped it wasn't too late. *Drunk/upset!Dean &Worried/thoughtful/nervous!Sam with a guest shot from Jodi Mills.* SPOILERS for 09x13-The Purge!
Warnings: Language as always and be warned for spoilers!
Spoilers: Yes, there will be some spoilers for 09x13-The Purge.
Tags/Codas: 09x13-The Purge.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. This is written for the fans by a fan.
Author Note: I started this as a fix for the end of the episode. I hope it turned out like that and that you guys enjoy it. Thanks and look me up on Facebook under morgana07.
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"'No, I wouldn't.'"
Sam Winchester's own words were ringing in his head as he sat on the bottom of his bed to stare at what he'd pulled from his duffel.
"'If I was dying, you'd make the same choice.'"
His older brother's voice could still be heard but what was tearing at Sam was the look on Dean's face that he hadn't known he'd seen when he almost went back to try to unstick his damn foot from his mouth.
This honesty crap wasn't what it was cracked up to be or so Sam was deciding now, fingers running over the tiny little amulet he'd kept for nearly five years. Maybe this was why Dean and their Dad lied so much because it hurt to tell the truth.
Not that Sam had told the truth…exactly. In fact as he fell back on his bed to stare up at the ceiling and let the bronze amulet dangle from his fingers he knew he'd lied through his teeth or at least didn't admit to the full truth or how he saw it.
He wasn't quite sure how to without revealing to Dean why he'd been so ready to accept death this last time and how hypocritical what he said to Dean about not wanting to be alone was.
Yes, a lot of people had commented on how co-dependent they were on one another and yes, Sam accepted that a lot of that was true. He'd depended on his brother because Dean was all he'd known that was close to stable growing up but he'd lost his brother three times; once to college, once to Hell and then once to Purgatory.
Those were three times that Sam didn't like to think about because even though he'd been out of hunting while at school he hadn't ever forgot what it felt like to not have his brother. The second time had started their road to self-destruction and the third had nearly done Sam in.
Of course he didn't believe that Dean saved him this time just to avoid being alone. That was, now that he replayed the scene in his head, dumb, stupid, and cruel to say to his brother and Dean didn't deserve any of those things.
Sam knew his brother loved him because Sam loved his brother and that was why Sam was ready to die and now was shoving so hard against his better nature.
He wanted them to be brothers. He wanted the closeness, the jokes, the wisecracks back. He wanted the big brother that hovered one minute and snarked at him the next. He wanted his brother…but he was scared. He was scared of being the one left alone…again.
Neither one of them had ever done well alone or without the other. A lot of that was their Dad's fault while the rest was on them.
What the hell was wrong with them now was on Sam's head and he knew it. Just like he knew he hurt his brother tonight but didn't know how else to do it without telling Dean the truth.
But then wasn't that the whole point of his little honesty jab? Telling each other the truth no matter how much it hurt or the possible fight or chick flick moment it might cause.
Something crashed from within the bunker and since this place was pretty near soundproof the sudden noise had Sam rolling to his feet, amulet slipping into his pocket with the other items he had that Dean had never noticed weren't in his duffel anymore to go check it out.
A quick look in Dean's room made Sam frown because ever since they moved into the Men of Letters bunker his older brother had been manic about his room but now Sam could see that it was like a storm blew through the room.
Dean's duffel had been dumped on the floor as if his brother was searching for something, the memory foam mattress he loved had nearly been shoved to the floor, the neat as a pin desk had stuff knocked over but what caught the hunter'e eye and jacked his worry up was the weapons that had been removed from the wall to be tossed on the bed…all but one: the first shotgun Dean ever built.
"Shit!" Sam broke into a run to where the noise seemed to be the loudest to see a wake of damage and destruction through the bunker until he got to the library to see that the noise he'd heard had been the massive table when it was actually overturned. "God, Bobby if you can hear me please help me fix this," he whispered, taking a shaky step when it almost felt like a gruff hand slapped him in the back of his head and he could almost hear the old hunter's voice in his head.
'Go talk to your idjit brother and just be honest…idjit.'
It was at times like this that Sam really missed Bobby but he was just one of many they'd lost. In fact they didn't really have many left in their lives that either of them could depend on or just talk to…except for…
Sam backed out even though he kept an ear out in case the noise stopped while he grabbed his phone to make a hasty call.
Dean lost track of the hours since he'd let all his emotions pour out. He'd bluffed his way through Sam's first words and how they hadn't hurt but there was no way in hell that he could say the last ones didn't rip his heart out as well as his guts because they had.
He'd known they'd become distant over the past few years. He knew they had issues but he never thought if push came to shove that Sam would ever not fight for him like he fought for Sam, like he'd fought for Sam all his life.
Sam wanted honesty? Well maybe Dean didn't say anything to make his brother think he'd only saved him because that was what he'd always done but it also wasn't in his nature to say the other reason he'd saved his brother from death and why he'd fought to get him to stop the trials. He didn't tell Sam because it would fully do him in to hear those words tossed back in his face.
Dean had been without Sam too many times and knew that maybe he had allowed himself to become too dependent on his brother always being there but it was more than just them together to hunt evil. It was because they were brother, family and…he loved his pain in the ass little brother even if Sam didn't feel the same in any fashion.
The constant supply of whatever alcohol Dean could get his hands on since that scene in the kitchen hadn't served to numb the pain but make his too hurt to think over anything but those damn words and how quick Sam had been to clear out rather than face him with what he clearly felt.
Sure, Dean knew he'd screwed up with Sam. He'd screwed up a lot with Sam. Some of it his fault, some of it Sam's fault and a lot of it was a toss-up between Heaven and Hell but never had Dean once thought or allowed himself to think his brother hated him that much.
He wasn't sure what he'd been looking for when he tossed his duffel or his room or why he'd let his anger run wild as he did one hell of a number on the bunker but it was easier to break and throw things than try to work up the guts to face Sam again.
Now he was sitting in the tossed library with his back against the heavy table that not even Dean knew how he'd flipped with empty liquor bottles around, their Dad's journal on the floor beside him, a scrawled note to Sam he thought since his eyes were too blurry from too much drink, not enough sleep, and too much pain to see it clearly and his first shotgun as well as his own Colt by his hand.
Dean didn't think he was drunk enough to do what he'd considered more than once while he thought Sam was locked in the Cage but then each time he closed his eyes he could see the chubby baby clinging to his fingers as he taught Sam to walk and the tall, broad shouldered big eyed young man who tried so damn hard to push all that aside.
"Maybe he is right and it is time to cash it in," he mumbled, squeezing his eyes with both thumbs to get the annoying pissed off voice of Bobby Singer out of his head. "Go away, old man."
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Dean wasn't sure what hurt more, the sudden flash of light when the lights were snapped on or the sharp, stern tone that Sheriff Jodi Mills could get when she was beyond pissed and way beyond even using the Mom tone she liked to use on them.
"Sonuvabitch!" he snarled, trying to bury his head in his arms but forgot he had the pistol in his hand until fingers plucked it out before he could either hurt himself or someone else with it.
"Oh, sure swear at me. That's not helping you any, mister!" Jodi had been scared and pissed from the moment she got Sam's call.
She was sure she'd broken a few speed limits from South Dakota to Kansas in her haste to get to wherever her boys had holed themselves up in but as she took one look at Sam and then got inside to see the damage that was his older brother she had merely closed her eyes and prayed to the saints to have Bobby's wisdom to pull this off.
"I'm not dead yet so I know this ain't hell so what the hell are you doing here, Sheriff?" Dean managed to ask through clenched teeth, trying to bat her hands away when she went to pull his head up so he'd look at her. "How'd you even get here?"
"Sam called me," she replied, going to her knees when she not only smelled the booze on Dean but also saw the drying tear tracks on his face. "What's going on, Dean?"
She'd gotten an edited version from Sam but somehow she didn't think he'd given her the full scope of just what the hell happened to cause this break between them. "The last time I saw you two I thought everything was good."
"It was…until he found out that to save his life I let an Angel possess him," Dean smirked, head pounding. "An angel that soon kind of went off the rails, killed out prophet, nearly burned Sammy out and is not trying to take over Heaven with the same sweater wearing angel dick that killed all the angels out of heaven to begin with."
Jodi raised a brow, chewed her lip before nodding. "Legit or too much booze?" she had to ask since all of this was still a little weird to her.
"If it was the booze I'd have ate this already," he tapped the shotgun with a disgusted smile, letting his head rest on his arms. "Why'd Sam call you, Jodi? I thought he'd be thrilled if I ended it. Then he wouldn't have to hang around with a co-dependent loser who can't stand to be alone and he wouldn't have to ever worry about not making a choice if my life ever needed saving."
"Come again?" she arched a brow again but this time her head was snapping up. "Sam Winchester!" she shouted in pure pissed off Sheriff tone this time, shooting to her feet while trying to pull a dead weight of drunk and depressed Winchester with her. "Up!" she ordered sternly, now understanding why Bobby drank so much. "Samuel Winchester, don't make me come looking for you!"
Dean snickered since no one but Pastor Jim had ever called Sam like that and if he wasn't hurting so much, not to mention if his head wasn't pounding, he'd be amused by it. However he really did feel like dying as his stomach lurched a little as he finally gave the woman her way and crawled to his feet.
"Jodi?" Sam had gone to the kitchen to try to make some sandwiches and coffee when he'd heard his name called, well screamed was more exact but by the time he got to the library door he was blinking in open shock at the hand that actually slapped him with enough force that he felt it. "Uhhh, huh?"
"Let me see if I get this or at least get this as close to someone who doesn't think idjit can," she kept a firm hand on Dean to keep him standing even though from the corner of her eye she did notice how pale he was getting while grabbing a fistful of shirt to haul Sam down more to her level.
"You did something to close the so-called Gates of Hell, it hurt you when Dean talked you out of finishing it because finishing it would have killed you," she began in a tone even she didn't realize she'd perfected yet. "These trials hurt you, put you in a coma that was killing you. Your awesome big brother that, according to Bobby, has been looking after you since you were a baby and who had sworn to not put anything before you tried everything in his power to save you but it all failed except for one thing…which was?"
A jerk on his arm had Dean's trying to focus, seeing Sam's face but that just brought back the pain as he tried to answer. "Couldn't deal with Hell so I tried the other way," he muttered, dizzy and wondering if the room was spinning of if he was. "Put out an open prayer to any angel who'd listen. I'd help with whatever if they saved my baby brother. Got my ass kicked a few times but one showed up that I thought was an actual good guy," he sneered a little but more at himself as he added bitterly. "I forgot all angels are dicks."
"Even Cas?" Sam wasn't sure why he spoke but it just came out though he hissed a little at the hard jerk on his shirt and began to doubt his idea of calling Jodi.
"Ummm, he worked with Crowley to find Purgatory, he brought you back without a soul, he opened Purgatory and then let the big black gooey monsters out," Dean smirked with a nod. "Yeah, even Cas at times."
"What then?" Jodi knew she only had one shot at this and needed to keep the older brother talking straight.
Dean went to slump back to the floor only to growl when he was yanked back up, finally leaning his weight on the table edge to support himself. "Guy, Ezekial he called himself then, said he could heal Sam but it turned out he was hurt in the fall from Heaven and from the wards I'd put up so he didn't have full strength. Said he could heal him from the inside," another smirk as he thought to how stupid he'd been. "Heal Sam, heal himself he said. I knew Sam wouldn't want it, that he wouldn't want to be possessed by an angel but…the trials…that should have been my gig, my weight to bear and I let Sam do it because I was cocky enough to think I could help him.
"Zeke used me to talk Sam into coming back when Death was ready to take him. I meant when I told him that there'd be no me without him not because I didn't want to be alone but because the kid's my blood, Jodi. He's all the family I got left. I raised him, I protected him and you tell me, Sheriff…if you had any damn shot to save your son if you wouldn't have made a deal with an angel to do it," he closed his eyes to stop both the burning tears and the spinning.
"Little brother, best friend, partner, quasi-son since I'd never tell him that and it all came down to making a choice that would either save him or end us both because I can walk away from a lot of crap but not knowing I killed my brother," Dean had forgotten Sam was close and didn't hear the sharp breath as he was trying to not pass out. "I planned on telling him but then it got complicated and it was never right. Now I find out just how screwed up we are when he tells me he wouldn't make the same choice. So tell me why I shouldn't eat the gun if he hates me so much?"
Jodi had turned her hot gaze on Sam's pale face, pleased to see his breathing was stuttered like he was having trouble making his own chest move as he took this in. "You said that to him?" she asked him softly but sharply. "Did you ever tell him why you feel like you do about dying, Sam? Did you ever tell him what you told me once?"
"No," Sam mouthed, unable to find his voice. He hadn't ever thought he'd hear that from his brother and he was sick with pain and angry at himself. "He…he never would have let me tell him that, Jodi."
"You're both more than idjits as Bobby called you!" she threw both hands up but then had to make a grab to keep Dean standing when Sam reached over her to snatch his brother's biceps to steady him. "You're both emotionally repressed jackasses who'd better wake up and talk to one another before something happens that you don't get a chance to come back from!"
Dean's head was back pounding with the jackhammer from hell as well as the chills when he shook his head. "He wanted to die. I was selfish and pulled him back so I get he's pissed. I…I just wasn't expecting to hear…that."
"Sam, tell him or I'm climbing on a chair just to get slap you in the goddamn head!" Jodi hissed, trying to hold Dean up in case his brother bolted when she decided to throw her next warning in just for good measure. "I'll also shoot you in the knee if you think of moving from this room."
"Too much time with Bobby," Dean mumbled, legs buckling only to feel huge hands catching him and forcing his eyes open to feel his throat catch at the huge wet eyes he saw there. "Eyes like that don't help the big brother instincts, Sammy."
"I never said I hated you, Dean," Sam finally found his voice, moving around the table to get a better hold of his brother so he could sit him in the chair Jodi pushed over. "No matter what, you're still my big brother and I…I…love you."
One of the first lessons Sam had learned early on was that his family did not use the L word often. Hell, he barely heard a decent word out of their Dad unless he was really impressed with training or something.
Sam had always been the more emotionally open of the brothers but he supposed he'd buried those emotions after Bobby died, after his breakdown and after losing his brother to Purgatory for a year.
"I won't let the Sheriff shoot you so you can be honest, Sam," Dean closed his eyes only to frown at the grip on his wrist, a move that Sam used when needing connection; much like Dean touched the back of Sam's neck.
"When you were gone that year…before Amelia and all of that crap went down when I was hurt I tried to make deals to find you. I tried witches, hoodoo crap, anything and everything that suggested I might be close to finding you but I failed and I run and you know the rest of that," Sam knelt down on the floor, hearing Jodi still in the room, still close enough to slap if she had to but he knew she was giving him a chance to speak first.
Sam shook his hair out of his face while trying to say what he needed to. "Okay, honesty. I was ready to die, I was ready to take what I've done…good, bad, whatever, and just let the pain stop not because I was ready to go per se or to leave you because I'd never be ready to let go of the big brother who taught me what I know but it's my only way out to avoid what I know will be the inevitable one day."
"Huh?" Dean knew he was drunk, sick, tired and ready to throw up or pass out but something in that quiet voice made him open his eyes to look and saw tears on his brother's face as well as his amulet being held out. "Sammy?"
"From the first time you were hurt, really hurt, after I learned what Dad did I knew in my heart that one day I'd be left behind when you got killed on a hunt. I knew that I'd be the one to light your funeral pyre like we did for Dad, Bobby and…I can't do that," Sam tightened his fingers as he fought for his voice not to break. "This crap with Heaven, Hell, all of it it's going to kill you because you try to do right no matter the cost and I…I can't be the one left behind, De'n. I can't be the one left without you because I'd shatter or throw myself on that damn fire if I ever had to let you go like that."
Jodi had to step out of the room the moment Sam's voice dropped low and broke on a sob he couldn't hide fast enough.
"Sammy," Dean was numb but the choked voice and huge eyes would always bring him around, surprised at this confession but also understanding it since he shared it.
"I've been pushing you back, trying to keep us distant, especially now that we don't know how all this crap with Metatron or that mark will play out because…I don't want to watch you die," Sam dropped his eyes without realizing he'd also dropped his head to rest on the chair arm. "I would make whatever deal or choice I had to because you're my brother and I…" he stopped before saying it again when he felt shaking fingers drop over the back of his neck to squeeze tightly.
"Love you too, bitch," Dean murmured, using the one fond nickname that he hadn't in years and through eyes that were still hazy could see the small grin that took some of the pain away from Sam.
"Jerk," Sam muttered, lifting his head to meet his brother's eyes. "I'm sorry if I hurt you."
Dean had to close his eyes to avoid falling into the pitfall of the Puppy Eyes of Doom but kept his hand where it was. "Crossing into huge drama filled chick flick moment here," he warned but only heard a watery laugh.
"You're so sick and hungover you won't remember this probably and I'll be back to where I started," Sam told him, a little worried. "Are you okay?"
"Point me in the direction of the shower and then food before I crash to sleep this off and I should be," Dean tried to stand only to fall back, feeling Sam's grip on his arm again to help him stand and let him steady him. "So this whole pissed off thing over me saving you like I did is because you don't want to bury or burn me?"
A silent nod as Sam tried to let his hair cover his face until his brother pushed it back to grip his chin in his hand in order to make him look at him. "Yeah."
"Huh," Dean hadn't considered that before and would have to think more on it when he was conscious and not fighting to pass out or throw up. "Alright so how about we make a deal."
"A deal?" Sam kept his hand on him as he made a motion to Jodi that he was taking Dean to his room before trying for a shower. "Like what?" he asked curiously. "Heaven or Hell?"
A snort was heard while Dean decided not to comment on Sam's sense of direction since his room was neither shower nor kitchen but as he watched his brother shove his memory foam mattress back together his body decided it liked this plan better and fell face first onto it with a low groan.
"Neither," he caught Sam's wrist to tug until he was sitting on the edge of the bed, noticing the tired blinking eyes and guessed that Sam wasn't sleeping again. "A deal between us, you and me."
Curious, Sam cocked his head and tried not to yawn since he knew he needed to try to clean the bunker up while his brother was sleeping this off. "Like what?" he asked again when he decided that maybe Dean wasn't as drunk as he thought when he found himself yanked until he huffed but laid down. "I'm not sleepy."
"Bullhit," Dean countered since he could still tell when Sam was sleepy and saw it right then. "Whatever happens, whenever it happens we face it together and go out together."
Fighting the pull of his eyes wanting to close since he was laid down, Sam frowned a bit. "Bon Jovi or Thelma and Louise?"
"Smart ass," Dean smiled a little but watched as Sam's body seemed to relax more and knew he's be out in a few more seconds. "Besides, what did I tell you once about Bon Jovi?"
"That he rocks, on occasion," Sam remembered that even if he didn't care for why it was said. "Go out in a blaze of glory, huh?"
"If and when," Dean nodded, letting his hand rest on Sam's neck. "That work for you, little brother? Will you stop shutting me out if I promise that you won't have to burn my body?" of course that didn't mean Dean would stop looking out for Sam if he had a choice.
Sam wasn't naïve enough to think it would be that simple but he did prefer that plan to any other one he'd ever thought of. "Be awhile right?" this was his way of asking Dean to be more careful.
Strong fingers squeezed his neck silently which Sam took to be his brother's way of agreeing without speaking and that was fine with him. "Can I sleep in here for a minute?" he asked through a yawn.
"It'll probably be longer than a minute but yeah, you can bunk with me," Dean had already decided he wanted Sam where he could see him right then and also away from where Sheriff Mills could hit him or anything if she was still ticked. "Gonna tell me why you called Jodi?"
"Mom voice," Sam smiled as he rolled to his side and fell to sleep for the first time in weeks.
"I'll give Mom voice the next time you do something stupid," Dean muttered but watched his brother sleep before reaching for the blanket to toss over Sam and then let his hangover pull him under as well since even with an irate Sheriff in the bunker he knew they were safe.
Jodi Mills leaned in the door to Dean's room to watch the boys sleep and guessed this is what it must have looked like when they were actual kids instead of grown men in their 30's.
Sam had flopped to his stomach to keep tossing the blanket while Dean, even in his sleep, would pull it back while keeping a hand on the back of his little brother's neck to ensure contact.
Easing closer to lay another blanket over Dean she brushed her fingers lightly over both heads before smiling fondly.
They were grown men but in some way Jodi felt close to them and would always do what she could to support them and help them, even if that meant slapping hard heads together.
"I'll look after them, you old drunk fool," she sighed once she'd found her way back to the main part of the bunker to look at a photo of Bobby Singer and the boys she had in her wallet. "Even if it drives me to drink."
She straightened up what she could, decided one of the boys could set that table up and went to search for the kitchen since she wasn't leaving for home until one or both Winchesters were looking her in the eye to swear that she'd never get another call like this one again or else she would haul both their damn asses back to Sioux Falls for a night in her jail.
"Damn Winchesters," she muttered with a smile as she searched for something to cook for when they woke up.