Disclaimer: I don't own anything!!

Warning: This is a completely random Aragorn / Legolas short comedy set in a kind of alternate universe. There is still Sauron and orcs and stuff, but that's not of so much important. It is inspired by the movie Never Been Kissed, which I was watching for about the 30th time on TV Saturday. If you don't like, please don't read. This is also my first attempt at humor will differ VERY significantly in style as my other fics.

Premise: Thranduil and Elrond had formed an alliance to fight Sauron's orcs. They started recruiting for a new joint army. After a democratic election, Aragorn, Elladan and Elhorir were chosen to be the trainers of the new recruits. Since all the commanders were from Rivendel, the king of Mirkwood was afraid he would be left in the dark in matters concerning the new army. He decided to send a wood elf spy into the camp, disguised as a new recruit to keep an eye on them.


Chapter 1:

Sun was shining brightly in the forest. Not that the slight figure in the musky dark room would notice. He had been studying the maps of Mirkwood for hours, trying to figure out where would be the best location for his trap. The spiders had become increasing bold and a big problem for the elves. As the tactical advisor of the royal house of Mirkwood, he had devised a plan to lure the critters out to an open area where the elves could rain arrows on them.

"Ah there!! At the base of the mountains," he exclaimed as he leapt out of his chair in excitement, thinking to inform his brother of his plans. However, the piles of books, scrolls, maps and papers that had been precariously stacked all over the room had other ideas. They were not happy with the elf's abrupt movement and decided they would take their revenge by falling onto him. The youngest prince of Mirkwood soon found himself immobilized, literally buried under an avalanche of information.

Luckily for the prince, his brother had chosen that precise instant to make his grand entrance. "Legolas, have you figured out what to do with our spider problem yet?" asked Ramiren.

Looking around, he was surprised to find his brother not in the study. Legolas was ALWAYS in his study. "Legolas?"

When he heard his brother, the little prince tried to call for him. But through the sea of paper, the sound was so muffled that Legolas sounded as if he was under water. That was enough to draw Ramiren's attention to the heap of books behind the desk.

Thank Valor for the keen hearing of elves!! Legolas made more noise and tried to move under the immense weight of his prized possessions.

In a few minutes, his brother had managed to free him and asked, "How did you end up under there?"

"They fell on me." Legolas answered sheepishly, not wanting to elaborate.

"I wonder sometimes whether you really are an elf, least say my brother. Even a human would be able to dodge the attacks from a bunch of BOOKS!" said Ramiren, while shaking his head at his little brother.

In truth, Legolas looked nothing like a male elf. Male elves are tall and lean, with well defined muscled that they developed from their warrior training. His little brother was short and slender in a most frail and delicate-looking manner. Even some humans are taller than him!

Other male elves are beautiful to behold, but they are masculine; there was never mistaking them for females. But not so with Legolas; he had inherited the oval face, almond-shaped glittering sapphire eyes and rosy soft lips of their mother to such an extent that others mistake him for a maiden. Some even likened him to Tinuviel and said his beauty exceeded even the Evening Star. Not that that was a good thing, of course. Legolas was a PRINCE of Mirkwood after all.

It would be better if he were ugly but an excellent warrior. That was not to be. While there was no finer tactician and diplomat in Middle Earth as Legolas, his skills in the arts of war were rather lacking, to put it mildly. Let just say a newborn orc could fight better than his little brother.

"You have used every single plan I have proposed, Ramiren. Every single one of them!! I am sick of racking my brains to think up plans just so some WARRIOR could take the credit. All I wanted was to see my plans through, even if it is only for once, " yelled the normally quiet and composed prince before beginning to re-arrange his books. He had decided to pile them on the floor and not to give them the opportunity to rain on him again.

"Legolas, you are the most brilliant strategist in the entire Middle Earth. But you are not a warrior. A warrior needs to be bold and daring, willing to take chances on the spot. And you are all about control," said Ramiren, trying to comfort his baby brother. He needed the little one's plans after all.

"I can be bold; I can be out of control," answered Legolas, attempting to look as macho as he could.

The older prince remained silent and simply walked over to his brother and tipped over one of the stacks of maps that Legolas had finished arranging. The younger elf immediately moved and started putting them back in order.

"And you were saying?" inquired an amused Ramiren.

"At the base of the mountains, the Orophin pass. Put troops on both side and lure the spiders in. The sides of the mountain would be too steep even for them to climb. There is a path on the right that would allow the troops to move behind them from the top quickly to close their escape. The main host of Mirkwood should be stationed at the opening of the pass, since they would most likely try to charge out that way," explained the youngest prince in defeat.

As he watched his brother leave, he could not help sighing and shaking his head. Ramiren is going out there, risking his life to save Mirkwood. All I can ever do is make plans and negotiate with other leaders. Face it, Legolas, you are never going to see any action in your life.


Please review if you want more. I am not sure if I should continue this, since comedy is really not my style. If people don't think it's funny at all, I won't bother =)

Note: Legolas is not a klutz. You will find out why he suck at combat so much in the next chapter if I continue. It is entirely not his fault.. He will improve with the help of someone we all know =)

I made up the name of the pass. I thought Orophin was the name of Legolas' grandfather. You know, since we name our streets after famous dead people, why not name the mountain pass in Mirkwood after an ancient elf..