Summary:

This installment involves Tony and Carolyn discussing why she hasn't gone to college while they look for a place to stash the painting of Angelique.

Next Barnabas and Prof. Stokes engage in a discussion involving some befuddling correspondence, as well as the whereabouts of Willie Loomis.

Meanwhile, the Evans Cottage is busy with Maggie and Sam discussing her possible employment as David's new governess, as well as her soured relationship with Joe. Upon Maggie leaving for her waitress shift, Capt Gregg appears and much is revealed of a supernatural bent after that. Angelique arrives to take back her painting but... Whoops! ...wait...Where is it?


The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode Five: "Saving Pop"

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness opening cave-like noises]

MILLIGAN: Good evening and once again I welcome you with a whole heart, in various degrees of wickedness, of course, to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. I am your host Sir Simon Milligan and for those of you without a whole heart, one of both courage and deviousness, get up and go to your radio and turn the station. Go on! Exercise your exclusive uselessness to look away from your Jungian demons!

[Odd chanting, hypnotic soundtrack continues, along with audience participatory tittering.]

MILLIGAN: Now, for those of you who have remained, listen to my voice and know that to listen TO my voice is to hear the dulcet tones of E-V-I-L… Yes! I have walked along the path of evil continuously, incessantly… without trepidation… until of course a branch trips me up, or I'm trodden upon by happy joggers in track suits, or a particular bit of graffiti carved into a tree startles the sheer crap out of me… BUT I CONTINUE FORWARD! And now I'd like to present one who encompasses the beauty of the mighty Beelzebub himself; Manservant Hecubus…

[crickets chirp]

MILLIGAN: Manservant Hecubus?

[crickets continue to chirp]

MILLIGAN: MANSERVANT HECUBUS!

HECUBUS: … Hi…

MILLIGAN: (screams terrifically) Ah! What are you thinking wandering from behind? (Catches his breath) Don't you know you should always-

HECUBUS: Not catapult my car into your parking spot and then get distracted by a fair damsel and show up late anyway?

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! You didn't! I had to park at the hardware store and walk two blocks!

HECUBUS: Yessss, Master…

MILLIGAN: EVIL! And now for the sleep of ages… (speaks some gibberish) Lava-l Sava-la KA TEE!

[Theme of Pit of Ultimate Darkness]

HECUBUS: (snores)

MILLIGAN: (claps hands) Hecubus!

HECUBUS: (snoozily) Yesss, Master?

MILLIGAN: Please inform our audience… and myself for I've forgotten… where we were in our story of Collinsport.

HECUBUS: (sleepily) Yes… the painter, Sam Evans, was being inhibited by a previous incarnation as he vandalized the portrait of the beauteous Angelique.

MILLIGAN: Yes… she is a dish, isn't she? And of course, this is the same painting I had in my shrine to her that you did away with to suffice that undeserving Roger Collins. Pff… If she only knew MY feelings…

HECUBUS: Yes, Master… and as this beauteous evil was being so vandalized, two young lovers managed to switch his work with another portrait from Gull Cottage in Schooner Bay.

MILLGAN: And pray, who was in this portrait?

HECUBUS: A sea captain of extraordinary valour and spirit.

THUNDEROUS ENGLISH VOICE: THANK YOU! Yes, I am!

MILLIGAN: AH! What was that?

GREGG: It is I. Captain Daniel Gregg, or if you prefer, the ghost thereof.

MILLIGAN: This is preposterous. Ghosts are invisible. How am I seeing and hearing you?

GREGG: Because I wish it.

MILLIGAN: Well, this is a new one on me! Tell me, Captain, what are you intending for our vista of iniquity?

GREGG: I was hoping you would tell me!

HECUBUS: Master… I am fading…

MILLIGAN: Precisely, well, on with the show!

[Dark Shadows Theme Music]

[Hum of car motor]

CAROLYN: That was daring of us, wasn't it?

TONY: Yes, I'm feeling like I did in college, by golly.

CAROLYN: But, I'm not sure where to go. That thing is awfully cursed.

TONY: Cursed? No such thing.

CAROLYN: Oh, Tony, please. You live in Collinsport. You must be aware of the seriously unexplained phenomenon we have going on here.

TONY: (sighs) Yes… but I didn't want to be the one to say it.

CAROLYN: Well, that's fine. But I'm not sure where to… oh, wait a minute… wait just a minute… no don't slow down the car.

TONY: What is it?

CAROLYN: Remember, well, maybe you don't, I was held hostage by that… um, the big fella in the cemetery.

TONY: Oohhh! Yeah, that was quite a while ago, wasn't it?

CAROLYN: If you call a few weeks quite a while ago. Anyway, we could stash the painting there.

TONY: Do you remember where it is?

CAROLYN: Well, between you, me, and the glove box, I do. It's an old root cellar and it's off to the right of Eagle Hill Cemetery.

TONY: All right. I'll take a turn here and we'll be on our way. (a pause) Carolyn, do you mind if I ask you why you have remained so long in Collinsport these days? You seem the type to be attending a college at this point.

CAROLYN: Well you can see part of it. It has been a bit beyond the norm of drama, even for a wealthy family with too much time on their hands.

TONY: Again, I didn't want to be the one to actually say it.

CAROLYN: No need, my dear. I'm aware how strange it all appears. I had a few colleges in mind and my mother had a few others, of course. I did send out some applications and had a few acceptances, really. (sighs) but oh…

TONY: Nothing piqued your interest?

CAROLYN: Well, I remember getting so discouraged by a few applications. The questions were so inane! All the choices STANK. If I had written those up I would have asked the questions in a completely different way. And in multiple choice it was like picking the best of the really bad. The alternative from those schools was a degree at Iowa State, which might have been fun, but that's about it.

TONY: I see. Yes, I can't really see you as a Home Economics type, fitting up the frilly apron and powdering cupcakes.

CAROLYN: Me neither. They have other options there, but that's how I looked at it. See, I knew I liked you… So what would you see me as?

TONY: Oh, well… considering the life you've been spending here, I'd anticipate a mystery novelist, or at least into gothic romance, or a bit of both, you know.

CAROLYN: Nancy Drew incarnate?

TONY: Oh, well, a bit more adult than that, I'd say.

CAROLYN: (laughing) Ah, well, I don't think I could do the writing part. But I think the administrative parts I'd be happy with. Remember who I come from.

TONY: Really? With all this material, you don't think you could do the writing part?

CAROLYN: No… it's tempting to try but I'd be happier dropping a few hints to some writers in a publishing firm. My lot is more familiar with the numbers side of things. But I thank you for the encouragement.

TONY: Carolyn Stoddard, you are my kind of girl.

CAROLYN: (thoughtful) You know something, Tony? I think I am… Oh, there it is!

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, at the home of Professor Stokes, of which, if there is a name for it, escapes me at present.

[doorbell noise]

STOKES: Oh, good evening Mister Collins. And how did the other night go with…?

BARNABAS: Very well, except…

STOKES: Oh, dear… some other catastrophe has come to light as a result?

BARNABAS: Not exactly. My plan was fairly successful, well, minus a few distractions.

STOKES: You didn't become too emotional did you?

BARNABAS: (pauses) … perhaps…

STOKES: Mister Collins, you do realize that becoming too emotionally involved when practicing the mysterious arts is a fatal mistake. One needs emotion yes, but FOCUS is more important.

BARNABAS: (sighs) I know. You explained that and you are most correct, Professor Stokes. It presents a more vivid look at why her various curses at me keep dragging on so long.

STOKES: Centuries long, I'm not sure I'd call that a fatal mistake.

BARNABAS: Well, it's really my long-dead ancestor she's after. I'm just a descendant from England.

STOKES: (snickers knowingly) Of course, Mister Collins.

BARNABAS: Still… she keeps missing the target to my ultimate demise; Too much emotional involvement with the subject, Professor. I reference this as an example to keep in mind.

STOKES: As well you should, Mister Collins. And now, I must make a small confession.

BARNABAS: OH?!

STOKES: A small one, mind you, but nonetheless of peculiar importance. I shan't ask you what you know about Adam and his whereabouts. Perhaps it is best I don't understand entirely his background and what others understand him to be.

BARNABAS: What did you wish to express?

STOKES: I wanted to express that I was briefly tutoring him, in however few hours I could make an impression.

BARNABAS: I see. I suppose with your astute and collegiate background, no other person would be better equipped to handle such an infantile personality.

STOKES: As it turns out, my attempts at instruction did not go to waste.

BARNABAS: Indeed?

STOKES: Yes, I wanted to share with you this lovely picture postcard.

[Sounds of cardstock flipping and being exchanged]

BARNABAS: (much surprise) New York?

STOKES: According to both the postmark and the photo on the front.

BARNABAS: (reading) "I have left Collinsport to pursue a career in cleansing agents. I thank you deeply for your patronage and assistance. I have changed my name and intend to live a fruitful life and discover who I am amongst these many oddly placed parts. Your grateful friend, A."

STOKES: I presumed you wondered.

BARNABAS: And perhaps I have. (fluttering cardstock) It has certainly been a strange journey with… that one.

STOKES: That ONE is precisely in question. He represents the allegory of the many within one, as it were.

BARNABAS: That is an interesting metaphor to place upon him, and likely a very true one. Aren't we all placed from various parts… PAST and present?

STOKES: (chuckles) I take it you are referencing my ancestor who was the servant of your (coughs) ancestor… Do you know much about this Benjamin?

BARNABAS: A fair amount, and I must admit there is only a few rare sketches of his likeness in the family history, but you do resemble them greatly and it…

STOKES: Makes you feel a deeper kinship to me?

BARNABAS: You couldn't have expressed it better.

STOKES: I understand. And I must admit I appreciate this as well.

BARNABAS: It's more than that… as you may know, there are so rarely conclusions and resolutions in the family history, even after one has passed away, but with Ben…

STOKES: He was resolved… he did well.

BARNABAS: Yes… he did. You are the living proof. And I am very grateful for it. And with that I feel the need to share my own little missive, on the topic of hired help.

[paper fluttering noise]

STOKES: Wyndcliff? Who do you know there? Well, I suppose I could just read… (befuddled) no I can't.

BARNABAS: Yes, it's a bit like the print of a pussy-cat holding a Japanese brush.

STOKES: Shodo, indeed. If only Soseki's Cat could talk…

BARNABAS: Who?

STOKES: Mr. Collins, really, you seem to be a man solely of antiquity, as though there is a gap of time you've missed.

BARNABAS: Of course, not! If nothing else, I certainly know who Dale Carnegie is… At any rate, you're holding the letter upside down.

STOKES: Oh, my! Well, yes… wait a second. If you hold it upside down, there appears to be an arrangement of letters written differently to create a secret message.

BARNABAS: OH? Can you decipher it?

STOKES: I believe I… yes… Be sure…

BARNABAS: Sure? In this town?

STOKES: T'… wait, to… um… yes it's to, but as a numeral.

BARNABAS: Hmm, Be sure to… what?

STOKES: Drink…

BARNABAS: Oh, well, perhaps we shan't need to know-

STOKES: …your…

BARNABAS: Really, Professor…

STOKES: Oval…

BARNABAS: Erm…

STOKES: (confounded) Ovaltine?

BARNABAS: Huh? What is that?

STOKES: Why on earth would he… Mister Collins, do you have a vitamin deficiency of some kind?

BARNABAS: (wising up) It may be said I have something of that kind. No fear, though. My valet is giving me precisely the things I need.

[paper fluttering]

STOKES: Well, why that was in code is enough a mystery. How about the basic prose? Hmm…

BARNABAS: Yes, well, I already had Dr. Hoffman decipher it, so I can read it to you. Doctors are better equipped at deducing this griffonage than a layman, you know.

STOKES: I wish you would.

BARNABAS: (reading)" I am getting Beeman's everyday… " no, "I am getting better every day. How are things at the house? Am sorry I didn't get to the pipe on the woodstove, but the creosote was very thick and I couldn't find the right brush to get all the gunk off. "

STOKES: Did he care about that work so much?

BARNABAS: Oh, yes, you'd be surprised how much our Willie managed to get accomplished with all of the, erm, other things going on at the time. (continues) "Say hello to the Doc for me and please stay out of trouble. If you ever need another handyman, well, you know where I am. I guess I miss Collinwood, you could say. Willie."

STOKES: Mr. Collins, do you think there might be something in the woodstove he speaks of? A message or object?

BARNABAS: I must say I have my doubts, but, considering Wadsworth is working on it now, I suppose I could let him know.

STOKES: He may already know. However, I am curious. Would you permit a presumption on my part in regards to Mr. Loomis?

BARNABAS: Well I would just as soon dispose of the pipe and replace much of the stove. What do you propose?

STOKES: No, not the stove. Willie, that is, I'd like to send him a few things, maybe have a specialist out to see him.

BARNABAS: (alarmed) Specialist? Why I believe he's getting the best treatment a Collins salary can provide!

STOKES: Not medical, Mr. Collins. I mean, calligraphy.

BARNABAS: (incredulous) Calligraphy? Willie?

STOKES: Yes, Mr. Collins. You'd be surprised at the benefits in character that can be gleaned from the result of simple, good penmanship.

BARNABAS: Professor… I think you have something there.

STOKES: The address, please?

BARNABAS: Of course…


MILlIGAN: Meanwhile at the Evan's Cottage.

[Door opening and shutting, footfalls.]

MAGGIE: Pop? Pop? Why are you just sitting there? Pop?

SAM: (as though waking up) Erm? Oh? Oh, Maggie! Where have you been all day?

MAGGIE: Oh, I was over at Collinwood for… Pop, are you all right? Were you at the Blue Whale last night?

SAM: Oh, no, I certainly wasn't there. I can promise you that. I was here.

MAGGIE: What were you doing?

SAM: Well, I had a painting project to work on and I got very involved in it and then, Miss Stoddard and Mr. Peterson showed up, just right out of the blue, and all of a sudden… THIS painting was here instead.

MAGGIE: Oh, I see. (gets up and starts walking around) Well, this looks like something you'd put together, except…

SAM: Yes, I know, there are various stains and such. I'm guessing I ought to work on doing a cleaning.

MAGGIE: Pop, do you have all the supplies you need for a cleaning? I don't think you've done one for a year, really.

SAM: Well, 7 months, but still. Who's counting? So what was this about being at Collinwood all day?

MAGGIE (sighing) Well, as you probably know, David's governess got married and packed up.

SAM: Oh… OH!... Oh? … Oh, yes! I remember now. Vicky… Did she really get married all ready?

MAGGIE: Yes, Pop. Anyway, that leaves Roger's little boy David without a governess, so believe it or not, Mrs. Stoddard asked me.

SAM: Oh! My goodness, well… I'm not even sure what to say. Except that… well, no, I suppose the word Nanny isn't exactly appropriate.

MAGGIE: NO, Pop, you've got that right. It's just that the topic itself is a bit…

SAM: High-fallutin'?

MAGGIE: Exactly! I suppose I'd have to give up my job at the coffee shop.

SAM: Well… would that be so bad a proposition?

Maggie: Well…. I'd miss it, Pop.

SAM: Of course you would, but, well, why not?

MAGGIE: I almost wish I could do both.

SAM: (incredulous) Both? Why?

MAGGIE: (uncertain) Well, I just feel like… I don't know… It's like I'm pulled in two different directions and I don't want to pick between the two.

SAM: Maggie, which one do you feel is really you?

MAGGIE: What?

SAM: Which of those options appeals to you more? Which one pulls you closer… I mean… you remember you took that job to bail us out. (sighs) You said yourself, you thought every member of the Evans family was born already in trouble. On some of us, it just doesn't show as much. Looks like it's finally starting to show on you.

MAGGIE: (light laugh) I doubt picking between two jobs has much to do with being born in trouble, Pop.

SAM: Why not? It's a life choice, isn't it? P-l-u-s, you're having trouble with Joe lately and—

MAGGIE: (irritatable) Oh, don't remind me…

SAM: I know, but, really… you were so upset at him because he started treating you like, well, as though he was in charge of all your choices… whatever… Even with how good he's been to you and me. Then there was that other situation that he kept interrogating you about… Wasn't it just some jewelry or something?

MAGGIE: I don't want to talk about it.

SAM: All right… anyway, I know how stuff like that gets your dander up. It might be the reason your having a hard time making the decision. Taking care of one child sounds simpler than serving out food to all sorts of folks in a more confined space. But the choice is yours.

MAGGIE: (awkward acceptance) Thanks. .. Still, I'm used to waitressing. Feels funny just to switch like that.

SAM: Anyway… well, I'm not sure how to tell you what to decide… but… how about you doing the evening shift at the coffee shop and spending your dayshift at Collinwood? Whad'ya say?

MAGGIE: (surprised) Oh! That… hmm?

SAM: You could figure out which one feels like the better fit for you, Maggie.

MAGGIE: I'll call Mrs. Stoddard, but, Pop, for now, what about this painting?

SAM: Erm? Oh! Yes, this painting… well, I suppose I'll hear about what the particulars are from those two who left it to my disposal. Anyway, Maggie, you have the night shift tonight at any rate, that will give you the right back-drop to think about how tired you might be from looking over a kid and textbooks all day, only to slave out the rest of the time among the locals, likely wanting something juicy when they find out what you're doing.

MAGGIE: (slightly cheered) That's true. I'll have that to think about. Well, I'm out the door to work. (door creaking) Love you, Pop!

SAM: Love you too, Maggie. (door closing) Now… what is with this painting? Who are you Captain Mysterious?

[noise of Capt. Gregg appearing]

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Gregg!

SAM: (disbelief) What the hell?

GREGG: Yes. Captain Daniel Gregg, or if you prefer, the ghost thereof.

SAM: I must be hearing things.

GREGG: No, sir, if you were, you'd be seeing things as well as me at this very moment.

SAM: Well, I'll be damned. I can see you! Who the hell are you?

GREGG: Whom do you suppose? The man in the portrait, my good sir.

SAM: But that's not possible, you've been dead for-

GREGG: An hundred years, my good man, but don't let it distress you… heaven knows it's distressed my painting.

SAM: BUT, you're a-

GREGG: A ghost? (chuckles) And don't I know it!

SAM: Then how am I seeing you?

GREGG: Because I wish it!

SAM: (incredulous) Oh, is that how it works?

GREGG: In my case it does. I accidentally kicked over the gas heater by my bedside and within those terms of the afterlife… you see there are various bureaucratic influences and so many superfluous-

SAM: (knowledgably) You're in limbo.

GREGG: Likely… and most regrettably so. But, you need to be aware of a number of things that I know. There is woman coming, a woman who is a bit fragmented.

SAM: (vaguely peeved) Angelique Bouchard?

GREGG: (shocked) You know that? You can't know that!

SAM: Bon sang, je ne peux!

GREGG: (takes a breath) Andre, is that you?

SAM: Oui!

GREGG: But Andre, you can't do this, that's possession!

SAM: Oui, but I am he, ye'know.

GREGG: Andre! You cannot do this!

SAM: I protect my daughter then, I protect her now, what difference does it make?

GREGG: Good lord, I just wanted my painting to be fixed, how in the afterlife-

[knock knock knock]

MILIGAN: And everyone knows the love of MY life has come knocking on the door!

SAM: Pour l'amour de dieu!

GREGG: Drop it, Andre, PLEASE!

SAM: Why?

GREGG: Be the man you were before you answer that door, please! Be the man you were! Let him go, Andre, please!

SAM: Oui, que m'importe?

GREGG: Let the man of NOW get back into his skin, please!

SAM: (normal again) Okay, (door creaking), Yes?

WITHERED CREATURE: Are you Sam Evans?

SAM: Who wants to know?

WITHERED CREATURE: (stepping in) It makes no difference; all that matters is that you have my painting.

SAM: I doubt it.

WITHERED CREATURE: What? Where is my painting?

SAM: I must say, what I remember of it looked a good deal like you.

WITHERED CREATURE: But where is it? Where did you put it?

SAM: If you are talking about what I had in my possession once but has recently been taken, I have no idea, honestly.

WITHERED CREATURE: This is crucial to my existence.

SAM: I don't blame you for saying so. Anything might be crucial to YOUR existence at this point; I'd wager twenty supplements a day.

WITHERED CREATURE: Who is in that painting?

SAM: Well, that's an old captain friend of mine, and we've been sailing these painted shores for well nigh over…

GREGG: An hundred…

SAM: A hundred years, so if you please…

WITHERED CREATURE: (getting foul) What have you done with it!? Where is my painting?!

SAM: How should I know, Madam?

WITHERED CREATURE: RAWWWHHHHHRRRR!

[clomping stamps, door slams.]

GREGG: Well, I suppose that got rid of her. Don't worry, she never saw me, though she certainly had more ability to than most.

SAM: Captain?

GREGG: What?

SAM: I said, "Captain,"

GREGG: I said, "What?"

SAM: I said, "Captain"!

GREGG: I said, what'you'want?

SAM: Well, now that we've disposed of the problem, I'm wondering, how do you want me to go about cleaning this painting?

GREGG: In the normal way you would, I suppose.

SAM: And you'll keep me company? Honestly, It's pretty boring work.

GREGG: I shall try.

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, Barnabas returns home and has a nap. And that nap goes something like this…

[Brief dream sequence]

Josette's music box theme in the background.

WOMAN: Good morning (carrying in tray)

MAN: Don't tell me that time travel is in it as well.

WOMAN: A woman is always impatient to wear a new dress. (twirls about) How do I look?

MAN: Different from the others. The maids come and they go.

WOMAN: We'll get along.

MAN: I'm sure you get along with everybody.

WOMAN: I've got a good mind to report you.

MAN: I'm new here!

POSTMAN: Special Delivery. Sign your number here number 6.

[muffled noises of waking up]

BARNABAS: Oh… *coughs* Wadsworth, you've got my…

WADSWORTH: Your… erm… Ovaltine, sir.

BARNABAS: So to speak, well thank you for the… um… [slurp] advice…

WADSWORTH: The car is ready if you would like to attend The Coffee Shop, sir.

BARNABAS: How did you kno-… oh, of course.

WADSWORTH: How could I not?

[car motor humming]

WADSWORTH: Would you like the radio,sir?

BARNABAS: Why not? What is the poetry of the day?

WADSWORTH: Let us see… (switch, click)

[Beatles "Hey Jude"]

BARNABAS: (listening) Oh… dear…

WADSWORTH: Have you found… "her", sir?

BARNABAS: I don't know…

WADSWORTH: You mentioned poetry of the day, sir. May I ask why?

BARNABAS: Well, Wadworth, there was a time when poetry was memorized and deeply admired… and as I find myself in this new centur- erm, in this new…

WADWORTH: Country, sir?

BARNABAS: Yes, well, to be sure, I've been interested in archives so long, I get a bit at home in olden times.

WADSWORTH: Of course, sir. So the poetry of the time?

BARNABAS: Oh, it is the popular song. With the coming of instruments powered by static and lightening fuel-

WADWORTH: Electricity, sir?

BARNABAS: Yes, now it seems the poetry is recalled in popular song. What fascinates me is that this was important long ago to children, they learned through songs of rhyming verse, and now we take this a step further. The poetry of the day is in the popular music. But, so much is about love scenarios, as well. Less story in it. Less teaching…

WADSWORTH: Well, here we are sir, (break noises) if I may ask, sir..

BARNABAS: Yes, Wadworth?

WADSWORTH: Might one take a sad song and make it better, sir?

BARNABAS: I… (hesitates) well, what else can one do with it?

[song continues with na-na's etc…car door opens , creaks a bit and shuts]

BARNABAS: (coughs) Oh my… what a… what a silly century…

[bell ringing, door shutting]

BARNABAS: Anyone here?

[steps]

MAGGIE: (pleased surprise) Barnabas Collins! (short laugh) I was JUST thinking about you. It gets so quiet in here now. I can finally listen to my own thoughts. Well! What brings you out tonight?

BARNABAS: It's late and I knew the hot plate was still on.

MAGGIE: Oh, no! I am going to perk us a fresh pot!

BARNABAS: Oh, please there is no need.

MAGGIE: Absolutely there is! I saved a packet of beans I ordered from Hawaii. It is not Kona, but it still beats anything.

BARNABAS: Oh, no, you mustn't.

MAGGIE: Yes, I must! I saved it for an occasion like this. Besides, I have far too much to chat about and I need a cup myself. I've been serving coffee all afternoon. Now you just have a seat. (walks to kitchen)

[chair scuffing floor, etc.]

BARNABAS: (speaking to himself) I think there needs to be more paintings of seaside scenes in this …

MAGGIE: (stepping back in) What's that?

BARNABAS: Just practicing.

MAGGIE: Oh? Practicing what?

BARNABAS: Sarcasm… it seems to be very prevalent in this day and … ahem… country... I'm not sure I have the knack of it.

MAGGIE: Ha, ha! Yes, that could require some practice. I must say, I likely have the knack if you want some pointers.

[Shuffling of cups and saucers in that heavy ceramic manifestation of noise]

BARNABAS: Oh, my, what a tray. Dear… Maggie, you are excessively gregarious.

MAGGIE: Pff! Oh, really, Barnabas Collins, I insist. There is far too much going on that we simply need to talk about. Now, black, as usual?

BARNABAS: Perhaps as an emotional bracer…

MAGGIE: Crème and sugar? All ready, and…

BARNABAS: Crumpets? Good heavens…

MAGGIE: Spread with cinnamon apple butter, see I am not unmindful of your cultural heritage. Besides, we had them at your house already. I know what interests you.

BARNABAS: But don't you think this is far too much trouble to through on my account?

MAGGIE: (off-handed laugh) Not at all, I think a good coffee party is what we both need. I mean [chair scudding, seat taken] look at all that's been happening. Willie's gone, Wadsworth came along, Vicky and Peter married and left, Roger Collins got married, even that big fellow disappeared… the one that was keeping Carolyn hostage, and now she's off with that lawyer, we all had that terrible dream. And then! And then, those two are off to Schooner Bay and bring in a painting for Pop to fix!

BARNABAS: Goodness, Maggie, how did you wrap that up so neatly? You're better at the background of this town than the newspaper.

MAGGIE: I've got connections, you know, Mildred…

BARNABAS: Yes, Mildred Mayhem, I think I have, erm, caught the drift of that?

MAGGIE: Well… Your catchphrases are getting along, Barnabas. Anyway, (with trepidation) I have been offered a new job.

BARNABAS: (splutter) Come again?

MAGGIE: A job, Barnabas. It's at Collinwood… for David.

BARNABAS: David?

MAGGIE: Yes, your cousin, David?

BARNABAS: Victoria Winter's job?

MAGGIE: Yes, a governess, at Collinwood… You certainly are one to repeat what's been explained to you with a question mark… (thoughtful concern) Why… Barnabas you don't look a bit pleased.

BARNABAS: I, erm, I don't know. I suppose I should be pleased, but Maggie, are you sure you want to work there, that you want to be a governess?

MAGGIE: Well…. No!

[cups clattering]

MAGGIE: That's why I wanted to talk to you. I wanted your advice.

BARNABAS: (nervously) MY advice?

MAGGIE: Yes, Barnabas… right now, well, believe it or not… you're one of the closest friends I have in Collinsport.

BARNABAS: Me?

MAGGIE: Yes. You know, you do make a point of coming in for the coffee dregs during these off hours here. I doubt it was for the mountain grown richness of Folgers. It's not like I hadn't noticed.

HECUBUS: Master? Why do they keep mentioning beverage products? Aren't we supposed to be selling soap?

MILLIGAN: Not necessarily, my minion. Now shh!

BARNABAS: Oh? I thought you were seeing Joe Haskell.

MAGGIE: (disappointed) Oh, Joe. *sigh*.

BARNABAS: What is it?

MAGGIE: Well, we managed to split up recently. I really thought it would lead to marriage but he got jealous and…

BARNABAS: Jealous, over whom?

MAGGIE: Well, that's just it, if it was a person I might not have minded so much. It was over a pair of earrings I discovered.

BARNABAS: A pair of earrings?

MAGGIE: That was all it was! Can you believe that? I became enchanted by them and he became deranged over the whole thing and I decided, well, if he's going to get loopy over a pair of earrings I admired so much it was just as well to find out at the start that he had such strange personality traits.

BARNABAS: It was indeed… I… well… what happened…?

MAGGIE: (miffed) Oh… he took 'em and had them appraised without my knowing. Thankfully he gave them back, but we were about to go out together and I was so annoyed… I… well, I wasn't very nice.

BARNABAS: Maggie Evans… what did you tell Mr. Haskell?

MAGGIE: (scoffs) Well! He asked if I was ready to leave for the restaurant and I told him, "Sure, as long as they served baby food"!

BARNABAS: (attempting to hide embarrassed snickers)

MAGGIE: (not noticing) Barnabas, do you think me too… well, reactionary?

BARNABAS: Was your response due to the fact that he was jealous of an inanimate object?

MAGGIE: Yes.

BARNABAS: Well, I must ask, as others might, what does your heart tell you?

MAGGIE: My heart? Well… (spacey) as I… look at you…

BARNABAS: Yes?

MAGGIE: There it is again!

BARNABAS: What?

MAGGIE: That terrible sense of familiarity. I have to wonder.

BARNABAS: Wonder?

MAGGIE: I would wonder… more coffee?

BARNABAS: (enthusiastically) Yes, please.

[sounds of liquid pouring]

MAGGIE Wonder, why there is that sense of familiarity there. When I look at you, it's like, well, this game I used to play when I was a little girl.

BARNABAS: What game?

MAGGIE: (deep breath and pause) I heard… music.

BARNABAS: (low gasp) Did you? Music…

MAGGIE: Yes, I see your smile making fun of me, but I did and it was a game. You can imagine all the wilds in this neighbourhood I could get into. I heard it… or perhaps I only pretended to… in every tree and nook and under every rock-

BARNABAS: (thoughtful) And cave?

MAGGIE: How did you know?

BARNABAS: There, um, there are a lot of caves hereabouts, on the seacoast you… you know.

MAGGIE: (softly) But why would a little girl make believe games about… a music box? I ask you.

BARNABAS: Did you ever find out what the song was?

MAGGIE: (sighs) No… and I might have heard it, but now it's completely gone from my mind. I can't hear it anymore. In fact… I haven't been able to since…

BARNABAS: Since you came back?

MAGGIE: Well… I suppose that has nothing to do with it, but… sometimes I wonder about it… AND every time I try… I just get the chills and I give up…

BARNABAS: Maggie, what about the job? Do you want to take it? (slip noise)

MAGGIE: And you took my hand, because?

BARNABAS: Emphasis… nevermind, Maggie. Do you want the job? What about this one?

MAGGIE: I might do both… well don't look like that. I wouldn't mind both. Why not?

BARNABAS: That is a lot. Why would you want both?

MAGGIE: Well, I'm not one to idle. I like to keep busy… And not only that… there are those late evenings… when I see… a dashing fellow… if you'll allow me a bit of tease.

BARNABAS: (contented low hum) I see your point. Can I tell you something?

MAGGIE: What?

BARNABAS: This… is… thee best coffee… I have ever tasted.


MILLIGAN: And now we lead you to a completely different coast across the continent.

[car engine halting, car doors open and shut]

PETER: Looks like there are vacancies here.

VICTORIA: My goodness, Peter. Do you see that house in the distance? I used to think Collinwood had a gloomy aspect, but that house, though smaller, has a stark ghastliness about it.

PETER: Vicky, it could just be from how tired we've been looking for a place to stay… well that, and all the dark clouds threatening rain.

[crash of thunder]

VICTORIA: That lightning shooting over the premises certainly didn't help.

PETER: The office is lit up, let's go in.

[steps, door opening and shutting]

PROPRIETOR: (tiredly and a hint shaken) Hello. Did you lose your way?

PETER: Um, no, this is a motel, isn't it?

PROPRIETOR: Oh, yes, I'm just surprised. I don't get many customers, not since the new interstate was built. Bypasses the whole place. [jingling of keys] Let's see, how many nights are you staying?

VICKY: Sir, if you please, can we have a different room?

PROPRIETOR: But you haven't seen it yet.

VICKY: Call me superstitious but we're only recently married and trying to get away from some of the darker elements.

PROPRIETOR: Oh, well, (light chuckle) yes, I can understand how thirteen would not be the best room in theory.

PETER: Thank you. I think two nights would be suitable. We've been on the road a very long time. We have to get an idea of where we are and where to go next.

PROPRIETOR: Oh? Well, the main town of Fairvale is about a 15 mile drive from here. You could go in and check the little library we have, lot of maps and information that could help you.

PETER: Why, thanks. That's good to know.

PROPRIETOR: There isn't much in the way of restaurants nearby. If you like I could bring you some sandwiches and milk.

VICTORIA: Oh, you're very kind, but we filled up very well and are ready to hit the hay.

PROPRIETOR: Good idea. Looks like rain so the sooner you settle in the better. I hope you enjoy your stay.

PETER: I'm sure we will. Thank you very much, Mister…?

PROPRIETOR: Oh, please. Call me Norman.

[crash of thunder morphs into "Wot" by Captain Sensible]

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (film)

The Prisoner (1960's TV Show)

Psycho (1960's film)

Captain Sensible

The Beatles (to take a sad song and make it better)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

Hope you're enjoying the ride! Let me know in the box below! ;)

Sail Ho!