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Enjoy another awkward and unexpected chapter in Tori's life.
Yeah, yeah, I've landed in lala land, finally. On the road to lala land, to be more precise. It was a road with no asphalt, and I could see a bridge and some cute looking houses that reminded me of the Teletubies' houses.
"Where on the bloody Earth is this 'Shire' thingy?" I asked the grey man while I tried to clean the dirt from my clothes, luckily, I'm still with my school bag, which means that I still have my iPhone.
The grey dude. He was too damn tall, I wonder if he is a retired basketball player. I know that I can't go around asking stuff to random strangers, but this was different, for five main reasons:
1- It's getting late, the sun is beginning to set, and I don't like to walk alone at night. There could be mean people around.
2- I don't know where the hell I am.
3- I am sorta dizzy, or maybe I'm freaking high as a kite.
4- I freaking missed the day at school (not that bad though, but if Father finds out…all I can say is that my head will roll).
5- I'm hungry. I didn't have any breakfast.
"At the West part of Middle-Earth. What are you doing at this time alone, my dear hobbit lass?" The grey guy answered after he took a deep pull of the pipe he was holding and took a good look at me. It's just Earth! WAIT A MINUTE HERE… what? The guy just called me hobbit lass? What on the bloody EARTH is a hobbit? I got my phone to check what that was on Google, but there's NO SERVICE HERE!
"Dude, sorry, but I don't know what you are talking about, I'm not a hobbit. Maybe the weed you're smoking got to your brain or something." I answered. I looked down and discovered that I was barefoot. My feet were A LOT bigger and there was some ginger hair on them. Ew, ew, ew. What the fuck just happened to me?
"Would you mind if I were to ask your name?" Not-Dumbledore asked while he stared at my blue lock and my phone.
"No, I won't tell my name to random strangers. I'm a little too smart for that, if you excuse moi, I'll go back to my house and try not to get killed by my father." I said, beginning to walk away on the direction of the cute little houses.
"By any chance your name happens to be Victoria Bianca Evans?"
I froze. Is the guy a telepath?
"Noooope… My name is Whitney Houston. I don't know who Victoria Evans is." I answered. I'm actually a fan of Whitney, and every time I listen to the song 'I Will Always Love You' I cry like a little baby, because that song reminds me of my mother and the days I needed her and she wasn't there for me, but I knew that she did always loved me.
"I know it's you, that blue part in your hair is unmistakable. I've been quite interested in you for some time, Miss. Evans, you see, I'm looking for someone to share an adventure as the 15th member of a Company, and you might be the perfect one for this quest." He had a twinkle in his eyes, which totally made me freak out.
"Are you from a spy agency? Cuz I'm getting a little freaked out right now, it's better to go back to my house. Do you know in what direction Seattle is?"
"For now what is essential for you is to know is that you're in Middle-Earth, and you look just like the folk that lives here." Before I could say anything, he cut me off. "You'll have your explanations later, Miss Evans, I think it's better if you were to follow me."
What the heck do he means by: You look just like the folk that lives here?
"No-no and NO, I won't follow you blindly into the blue! I'm not that stupid, and I don't want any adventures! If you are looking for someone to be a stupid adventurer, you can go to Seattle and hire either my mother or Luigi! I will call the police!" Oh crap, there's no service.
"You have come here for a reason, Victoria. If you please follow me, everything will be explained in no time." I bit my lip when I heard my name. I don't really mind on the Miss Evans thing, but calling me Victoria just makes me want to murder people. "And I have a feeling that you will get along well with our host, you have the same mind."
"Host? Where are we going? This is too damn confusing. First, I land in this place, then you appear and start talking in riddles, and after that, you want to drag me to a party? Ah please!" I complained nudging my back pack back on my back and starting to walk to the opposite direction of the cute houses.
"My name is Gandalf, maybe you have heard of me."
"Gandalf? Nah, I don't know your name, only know Ganondorf, the bad dude of the Legend of Zelda games." I stopped walking and turned around. I know that name, I've heard it before, not that I care.
"Miss Evans, I'm being extremely patient with you, will you please follow me?" Ganondalf said. Nope, nope and nope, not gonna follow this creepy telepath dude. He knows your name, Tori! And he says that there'll be an adventure! You've always wanted to go on an adventure!
"FINE." I replied. What options do I have? I'm definitely not in the USA, maybe in some country in Europe or Asia.
"Good. This quest will be very good for you." Grey-man said, starting to walk to the direction of the cute houses. Like, really fast, despite having a walking stick (or staff). I had to sprint to get to him.
There are a bazillion things on my head, I can't process the information that quickly, so I'm lost. The old guy is taking me to the little Teletubie house on top of the highest hill.
"We're almost there, Miss. Evans." Gandalf said at some point of the road. There was some tall grass here and there, the only thing I wanted was that a wild Pikachu appeared and give Gandalf a Thunder Shock.
"Old guy, call me Tori." I said. I was getting pretty annoyed by him. I just hope that I won't regret this.
But I will.
SHUT UP, TORI! DON'T SCREW UP THE STORY!
"As you wish, Miss. Tori."
After half an hour of silent walking, we finally got to the front gate door of the little house. It had a big green round door with a knob right in the middle. I've already seen this somewhere...
Gandalf stared at the door for some minutes after making his staff glow for us to be able to see at least 2 m away, cuz it was already dark, and there are no street lights nearby.
"And? Aren't we entering the place?"
"We have company, Miss Tori. We should enter together." What the heck? I looked around in all directions and there's nobody nearby. But, I was wrong.
"Mr. Gandalf!" Someone popped up from nowhere and landed right beside me. 'I didn't know that there would be a pretty maiden joining us in our merry little party!" I looked at the being (finally someone my height), and was an apparently old guy (not as old as Ganny bro), with some FANTASTECHICS braids in his silvery hair and beard. Beside him was another guy, a bit younger, with brown hair and three braids in his beard. He totally looked like a star.
"What a finding, eh, Gandalf?" The star-man said while he took a good look at me. Ha, ha, ha, I'm not that pretty, I must say, but if you want to know exactly how I'm like, just watch the movie The Village and look carefully at the blind red-haired girl. Yeah, I'm almost an exact copy of her, the only difference is that I have a blue lock.
"Hey, let's make something clear here: I just agreed to come with this dude here because I'm lost and it's getting late, I don't know him, I don't know you (not that I want to), and that is a very impolite thing to say to a girl." I snapped. I hate the days that nothing goes right, and this just happens to be the worst by far.
"She's right, Nori. Behave yourself!" The silvery guy slapped the back of the star-man, whose name I'm guessing that is Nori.
We're probably in some foreign country in East Europe, cuz seriously, who the hell would name a child 'Nori'?
"Excuse me, Miss, but why is your hair blue? It's odd!" A different voice asked me. I looked at the direction of the voice and discovered that it was another guy, a lot younger than star-dude and Mr. Silver-Fabulous, he had a weird hair cut and some braids along his beard.
"Look who's asking. I dyed a lock of my hair blue, so what?" I replied bitterly.
"Sorry about that, Ori, she is having a tough day." Gandalf explained.
"I'll show you who's gonna have a tough day!" I muttered under my breath.
"But your talking is odd for a hobbit!" The young guy insisted.
The hobbit talk again. Why is everyone saying that I'm a freaking hobbit? Does it have something to do with my huge feet? The folk here are hobbits? Those guys don't have the weird big hairy feet.
"Why are you hitting yourself? I'm sorry if I have offended you, Miss!"
"Forgive them, m'lady. Nori and Ori are my younger brothers, I'm sorry if they have caused you embarrassment." The Silver-fabulous man apologized. Now that I'm taking a look at the three siblings, they look alike. Not too much, though, I would say the same amount of alikeness that I share with Luigi. "Should we start again? My name is Dori."
Dori is the little blue fish's name in Finding Nemo. No I won't dare to say that.
"Erm, my name is Victoria. Bianca. Evans." I paused between the names. "But you can call me Tori if you want, I prefer Tori anyway."
"At your service, Miss Tori." The three said in unison and bowed.
"Just call me Tori. No 'Miss Tori' thing okay? Shall we enter the merry little party? I'm very hungry."
"That will be good." Gandalf finally said something. If I'm entering the 'merry little party' with people like those guys, I'm gonna go nuts.
And you did go nuts.
"Look who's here! If it isn't the Gandalf the Grey!" An unknown voice called out. It had a very strange accent, Irish maybe.
Oooh, now I understand the name of the guy. He's name is Gandalf and he is wearing grey clothes! I'm feeling super smart now.
"Oh, goodnight, Bofur, I see that you have brought your brother and cousin." Gandalf said turning to the direction of the voice. I followed his gaze to meet three figures that will always have a place in my Weirdo's Photo Book.
The owner of the Irish accent had a mustache and a flappy hat with pigtail braids in his dark hair.
Beside him there was a dude that was so fat that if he jumped up and down, an earthquake would be formed. Oh, and he had ginger hair just like me, but his beard was braided from one side to the other, which reminded me of a doughnut.
The last one was a guy with a Cruella De Vil's style beard and he-WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? Is that a piece of metal sticking out of his forehead? This isn't normal.
"Da fuck?" I breathed out.
" #$%$ ¨&** # $&* **%#¨%& #$%!" The Cruella dude said. Of course, I didn't understand a word (haha). Maybe it's a new form of Russian mixed with Arabic and Japanese.
"You are quite right, Bifur." Gandalf said. The other guys nodded and chucked.
"Okay, what's the joke?" I laughed sarcastically.
"He says that he had never seen someone with blue hair." The flappy hat dude translated. "Neither had I."
"Ha. Fine, but in what on the bloody universe is that language that he speaks?" I asked.
"It's Khuzdul." Dori explained. "The language of the dwarves."
"What?" I asked. "D-dwarves? Are you dwarves?"
"Yes." They replied.
Okay. So basically my mental image of a dwarf was a very short guy that dug out diamonds and helped random princesses in forests.
"Alright then... Shall we play introductions?" I suggested.
"Bofur" flappy hat dude said.
"Bombur" ginger doughnut said.
"$%* #$ % Bifur %$ $" Yeah, the only word that I understood was 'Bifur'. That was Cruella De Vil dude's name, apparently.
"I'm Victoria Evans, preferably called Tori, if you don't mind."
Before they could comment, two more 'dwarves' popped up.
"Good evening!" A dude with bright auburn hair and bushy beard said. Beside him, there was another guy, but he had grey hair and beard and a very stylish mustache. Oh, and he had a thingy that appeared to be an ear horn. I was beginning to think that the dwarves were endless.
"Hello, Oin and Gloin!" Gandalf greeted the pair of dwarves. Yay, the names all rhymed. Isn't it delightful?
"I'm gonna enter the house, or I'm dying of hunger!" I said, opening the wooden gate of the house and climbing the steps to the round green door.
"Who is that?" The bushy auburn guy asked. By that time, I was already at the door and simply knocked on it.
"That one is Tori." Flappy hair dude said in his strange accent.
"Why is a part of her hair blue?" The ear horn guy asked.
Why is everyone asking that?
I could hear someone angry screaming inside the Teletubie house. I think someone there is PMS-ing.
For some unknown reason, all of the dwarves started to push each other in order to get to the door first. I decided to step aside in the right moment when all of them got to door and it opened.
I wanted to laugh so badly at those poor souls that fell on the floor. But what really surprised me was the guy that opened the door.
He was my height, apparently not much older than me and had perfect sandy brown curls framing his face. Basically, he was really cute. He was barefoot and he had the same awkward feet that I had.
"Gandalf" The cute guy breathed out. Then he finally noticed me.
"Miss. Evans, this is Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo Baggins, this is Miss. Victoria Evans." Gandalf introduced.
"Nice to meet you, however this is not a quite good time to get acquainted." Bilbo said, looking at the pile of dwarves.
Finally someone that isn't nuts.
I was so distracted by Bilbo that I completely forgot about how awkward the situation was getting.
So I turned Tori into a hobbit. She has those hairy big feet and stuff, oh, and she shrunk. Her hair was already curly, so there was no need of changing that. I hope you liked it!
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