Our hosts brief us with what is left out of this Re-write, as Victoria Winters returns from 1795 in the NECK of time. Much unfortunate delving into 18th century lack of restrooms, as well as a strange effect the Collinsport coffee seems to have on the Evans abode. Dr. Hoffman deals and receives many wise-cracks, as well as helping out Carolyn.

Meanwhile, even as Wadsworth encourages this risky relationship with the post-kidnapped Maggie, he also takes a moment to confront Barnabas as to his past transgressions over his victims, such as Willie Loomis, making significant comparisons to help him see even practical reasons not to take such abusive action towards people.

Still, Cassandra has a unique way of shooting her cupids arrow at Roger Collins, as he angrily answers the phone in the dead of night.

Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows: Episode Two "Chamber Pots & Coffee Cups"

[Pit Of Ultimate Darkness Theme]

MILLIGAN: Good evening and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan. Listen… listen… listen… to my voice, and know that to listen to my voice is to listen to the voice of evil…


MILLIGAN: AH! (gasps and regains composure) Manservant Hecubus, ladies and gentleman.

HECUBUS: I am ready to serve you master. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Satan!

MILLIGAN: (whispering) evil!

HECUBUS: (snickering)

MILLIGAN: It has come to my attention that we've presented only a smidgen of evil updates on this program. Too many lovely things have been happening.

HECUBUS: That is terrible, Master. What kinds of things?

MILLIGAN: Well, to bring out listeners up to snuff there was the demise of Jason Maguire, before our first episode. That was far too lovely to be believed. Then of course, our poor Miss Winters was sadly devastated over the passing of her odd engagement choice, Burke Devlin… and yes I know. What a beautifully evil last name he had.

HECUBUS: Ah, yes, Master. What a left bummer!

MILLIGAN: And then there was the experiment as Dr. Hoffman tried to turn Mr. Vampire Collins into a normal man. This went significantly foul as he ended up becoming the true age he might be if he was mortal.

HECUBUS: Aren't you skipping ahead, Master? Aren't you giving away spoilers to those just tuned in?

MILLIGAN: Yes! And that's a little evil.

HECUBUS: (sing-song) Yes, a little tiny pathetic little—

MILLIGAN: (sing-song) little bit of evil! SHHH! Now!

HECUBUS: (whispering) Yes, Master?

MILLIGAN: There are still updates to make in this episode. As an intensely crusty version of a once elegant vampire was getting over the distress, our Carolyn Stoddard wandered in to discover his coffin and was aggrieved to become his victim. However, this was lucky, as her scintillating hemoglobin seemed to give him a true cure for the false one he let himself in for. He was certainly pleased to halt the endurance of excessive medication he needed to keep going at all.

HECUBUS: My, that's a lot of skipping Master, are you sure we aren't ready for a peep yet?

MILLIGAN: Well considering the television show this story is based on is over twelve-hundred episodes in length, and well over six-hundred hours long, give or take commercials, we do have to work on some augmenting.

HECUBUS: But what about Barnabas Collins new butler? How does he fit into all this?

MILLIGAN: Well, I suppose he's mostly shaking his head and putting up with it, unfortunately. But he's a tough old chap. We can still expect better things to come. For some reason that we cannot recall, many residents of the estate began a séance for the sake of David Collins troubles. This somehow helped Victoria Winters fall into 1795 and much was learned about why Barnabas Collins became a vampire as well as a lot of other destructive problems throughout another effusive ninety-four episodes or about 39 hours of television watching if you want to get technical.

HECUBUS: And THEN we knew our sweetness…

MILLIGAN: Yes… the woman of total cruelty, the lady with all the tarot cards alight! Our most evil and beloved ANGELIQUE! At last! I've been waiting to drool over this mistress of the deepest dark! Although, it'll be another episode of OUR show until we get a good look at her. Still… I'm miffed… why didn't she pick ME? I wouldn't mind being a vampire for her. I've got what it takes. I'm both evil AND polite! What is it my old bridge partner has that I haven't got?

HECUBUS: Yes, p-l-e-a-s-e, our most evil temptress… just have dinner with him! He's desperate for a date and I'd like a night off once in a while!

MILLIGAN: But we must press on until that possibility occurs. We enter the house at Collinwood, a séance is in progress… or rather the tail end of one.

ELIZABETH: Victoria, are you all right?

VICTORIA: (distressed) No! Would you be if you were being hanged on the gallows in accusation of being a witch in the 1795? Oh, those ropes! I'll never wear a turtleneck again!

ROGER: Dreadful idea, this entire séance! Dreadful idea!

BARNABAS: Yes, horrible idea. Whose was it? Why are you all staring at me like that?

ELIZABETH: Makes no sense to me, as it was my idea.

VICTORIA: BURKE? Where's Burke?

CAROLYN: Oh, dear. Must we explain to her all over again that he died in a plane crash?

VICTORIA: Peter! Where's Peter?

CAROLYN: Now, who is she talking about?

ELIZABETH: Could be someone from the foundling home for all I know.

VICTORIA: And the scarecrow! Where is he?

CAROLYN: Now I'm really lost!

ELIZABETH: That one has just got to be from a book she read.

ROGER: Hardly the girl to comfort you when the shutters creak. I told you.

ELIZABETH: Roger! We don't need your acerbic remarks we need a doctor.

JULIA HOFFMAN: I'm a doctor.

ROGER: Mnn, will wonders never cease?

BARNABAS: Not bloody likely.

ROGER: Hmm, that's the most English thing I've heard you say since you arrived from England.

HOFFMAN: Can we all please calm down?

ELIZABETH: Yes, let's all calm down and let what's-her-name use her doctorate.

[feet shuffling noises, doors opening, gentle sighs]

ROGER: Brandy, anyone?

ELIZABETH: By all means.

BARNABAS: No, thank you.

[liquid pouring]

ROGER: (sarcastically) Well, that was an excellent idea. A true unveiling of my son's problems.

ELIZABETH: I didn't want it to sit, Roger, I'm sorry. It seemed a better idea than simply sending him away to a boarding school or hospital.

ROGER: You know, I thought our problems were fairly standard before Miss Winters came to stay here. Since she arrived it is as though we create twice as many problems when we attempt to solve one.

ELIZABETH: Well, I'm grateful that another green blob isn't at the root of it all. That's solved enough for me.

BARNABAS: Cousin Elizabeth, we did establish it was merely an asylum patient in a green coat.

ELIZABETH: Ah, I know I wasn't here for it but I shan't believe that.

ROGER: I saw the beastly creature and I'm satisfied it was a patient.

CAROLYN: I saw it too, Uncle Roger, and I hardly believe the idea that a floating green monster that wreaks havoc on the kitchen, eats flowers, and attacks David was a patient from Wyndcliff.

ROGER: I don't care what it was, I'm just grateful that it's gone, has been for a month now, and I don't need a séance to put my mind to rest about that. (bonking noise) OUCH!

MILLIGAN: (whispering) Hecubus, get the microphone higher…

HECUBUS: (whispering) Sorry, Master.

HOFFMAN: I've given Miss Winters a sedative.

ROGER: Don't suppose you've got any more in that bag of yours?

HOFFMAN: I think what you've got in that glass is sedative enough for you.

ROGER: (gulps) Indeed. I think I'll pour another.

ELIZABETH: I'll help Miss Winters up to her room.

CAROLYN: I'll come too, Mother.

BARNABAS: I'll help, as well.

ROGER: (sarcastically) Oh, why don't WE ALL go up?

ELIZABETH: Goodness, what is this, a slumber party? Please, Barnabas, show Dr. Hoffman to the library. Mrs. Johnson laid out the coffee and it must be nearly cooled off by now.

MILLIGAN: And so the three ladies go up the stairs to Victoria Winters bedroom whilst Barnabas and Dr. Hoffman adjourn to this library we've never heard of.

[coffee pouring]

BARNABAS: So, shall I start in on the dreaded Dr. Woodard topic and how responsible you were for it?

HOFFMAN: (sarcastically) Oh, you r-e-a-l-l-y know how to show a girl a good time, Barnabas. Have a biscuit. (crunching) So, from what I gather in the family diaries there was all sorts of visitors during the time Vicky claims to have gone back in time.

BARNABAS: Yes, indeed. Poor Ben never got a wink of sleep, nor did I.

HOFFMAN: Yes, digging all those graves, poor fellow.

BARNABAS: Oh, yes, well, and digging other... things...


BARNABAS: Yes... all those chamber pots, night in night out.

HOFFMAN: (sputter) Chamber pots?

BARNABAS: Well you didn't think we had those pretty little lavatories you so elegantly flush on a whim, did you? Oh, no! Plenty of digging OUTSIDE the cemetery went on back then with all those guests. The whole place simply reeked; I can't tell you the softness of general odour that exists in this day and age. You ought to be grateful.

HOFFMAN: I AM! Thank you for mentioning it!

BARNABAS: No charge. I was wondering...


BARNABAS: If you would like to go to the pictures tomorrow night?

HOFFMAN: What? Oh, please, if you want to see "Mad Monster Party" you can go by yourself. With all the supernatural ruckus around here I don't see why you need to watch a movie about it! Don't you care at all about what has happened with Vicky or Phyllis Wick?

BARNABAS: Well... I suppose... but frankly all the excitement has worn me out, entirely. I think I'll have another cup.

HOFFMAN: Why bother? It's only Postum.

BARNABUS: *splutter*

HOFFMAN: (smilingly) Fooled ya.


MILLIGAN: As the night wore on, Carolyn and Mrs. Stoddard prepare the grieving Miss Winters to her chamber.

VICTORIA: (groggy) Oh, Peter, where is he?

CAROLYN: Mother, I'm a little worried.

ELIZABETH: So am I. Let's tuck her in.

CAROLYN: I don't think, well, what I mean is, if she really believes she was living in 1795, well...


CAROLYN: (whispering) Maybe we should leave a chamber pot under her bed?

ELIZABETH: Don't be ridiculous.

CAROLYN: It's not ridiculous. It's practical.

ELIZABETH: I know, because there already is a chamber pot under the bed.

CAROLYN: Mother? There is?

ELIZABETH: Yes, would you like to check?

CAROLYN: *shuddering* No!

ELIZABETH: Neither do I. That's why it's there. Roger showed it to me when we were children to scare me and frankly it still does.

CAROLYN: (pondering) I wonder if there's one under my bed... or David's?

ELIZABETH: I used to wonder the same thing when I was your age. And you know what? I still do. I don't look under there for any reason. When old map makers found unknown territories of land they didn't know what to do with they wrote "Here be dragons". As far as I'm concerned, under the bed, there be worse things.

VICTORIA: (moans)

CAROLYN: Vicky, would you like some water?

VICTORIA: Oh... is it clean?

CAROLYN: Clean? Why would...? Oh, yes, it's clean. (pours water from pitcher into glass)

VICTORIA: When I came back, I saw something...

["All The Time In The World" by Russel Garcia's "The Time Machine" Soundtrack plays in the background]

ELIZABETH: Now, don't you worry about that, my dear.

VICTORIA: It didn't make any sense. There was a man... and he was sitting in a machine with a jewelled lever in front of him and a great spinning disk at the back.

CAROLYN: That is strange. Did he do anything?

VICTORIA: (drinks water and pauses) He looked more surprised to see me than I was to see him.

ELIZABETH: Here, I'll put that glass down and you go right to sleep, Victoria. You look exhausted.


HECUBUS: Meanwhile, Barnabas and Dr. Hoffman have returned to the foyer to say goodnight to Roger.

ROGER: Hmm? Going off so soon, you two?

BARNABAS: It's nearly one in the morning, Roger.

ROGER: I know. You usually don't retire until dawn.

BARNABAS: (slight snicker) Well, I suppose you could call me a Night Owl, Roger, except...

HOFFMAN: Except since most owls are up at night anyway saying Night Owl is completely redundant?

ROGER: Exactly. I suppose you're both off again to the Old House.

HOFFMAN: Well, I don't know, I suppose I ought to.

ROGER: But for that little something you're not telling us, eh, Doctor?

[Roger exits.]

BARNABAS: (sneering) I thought, so, Dr. Hoffman. You don't like my valet.

HOFFMAN: Oh, Wadsworth? He's all right, I guess... but...

BARNABAS: Ye-e-esss?

HOFFMAN: He's continually fiddling with my laboratory and bringing down odd ingredients that I don't need.

BARNABAS: Well, I must admit, I thought the extra order of CO2 was a tad on the excessive side.

HOFFMAN: Oh, no, I ordered that... what? Don't look at me like that. I like dry ice, it helps me to concentrate. We should be on our way.

[Shuffling of coats, door creaks open, footsteps, door shuts.]

MILLIGAN: Wadsworth, currently in the laboratory at the Old House, is drafting a potion... wait... that, that looks like MY potion! What's he doing with MY potion? How did he get the formula?

HECUBUS: *hic*

MILLIGAN: (exasperated) Hecubus! You didn't! You couldn't! You destroyed my potion in the last installment!

HECUBUS: No, master. Of course it's not your potion... I wouldn't have... made a switch or anything like that.

MILLIGAN: (whispering) EVIL!

WADSWORTH: (GULP) Hmmm, hmmm (hums musically, then sings) I'm forever blowing bubbles! Pretty bubbles in the air! They fly so high, nearly reach the sky, then like my dreams, they fade and die. Fortune's always hiding. I've looked everywhere, I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air.


HOFFMAN: (mocking) Oh, do go on, you singing fool! How wonderful. Why don't you join a barbershop quartet and leave this ghastly house?

WADSWORTH: (indignant) Madam... I can think of only one ghastly thing currently in this house.

HOFFMAN: Oh? Do tell me, Wadsworth, maybe I can get it to vacate the premises?

WADSWORTH: Ah, no, madam. Allow me.

HOFFMAN: AHH! What are you doing? Put me down!

WADSWORTH: (climbing steps) Madam, I am merely keeping the house tidy. Now, if you would please stop struggling. Up we go to the front hall.

BARNABAS: Oh, Wadsworth, I see you have things taken care of, as usual. Having fun, Doctor?

HOFFMAN: Barnabas, tell him to put me down!

BARNABAS: My dear, you can see he's only doing his job.

HOFFMAN: Barnabas, if you don't have him put me down right now, you can forget about my finishing the experiment!

BARNABAS: Oh, but I already have.


BARNABAS: You see, Julia, after seeing that you have so little regard for the help I hire and keeping this place ship shape, your various threats over the weeks and your little visits to the Gumshoe Peterson in his law office, I've decided it may be simpler to hire another doctor... and dispose of you.

[sound of needle skidding off record]

MILLIGAN: What? He can't do that! That's not in the script!

HECUBUS: (snickers)

HOFFMAN: I can't believe it!

BARNABAS: (smilingly) Fooled you, didn't I? Wadsworth, put her down.


HOFFMAN: (huffy) Well!

BARNABAS: You hardly thought I'd let you get away with that Postum joke, did you?

WADSWORTH: I wouldn't have.

HOFFMAN: All this fuss over a coffee substitute? For pete's sake!

BRADFORD: Yes? Someone called me?

MILLIGAN: No! Too soon! You go away! Forget that you're Peter Bradford!

BRADFORD: Will do!

HECUBUS: Master! You are evil! I always wondered how he lost his memory.

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! Shh!

HOFFMAN: I've had it with you all! I'm off to bed. (slam)

BARNABAS: That was quite an interesting feat. I have a hard time believing you really had much concern over my choking her so much.

WADSWORTH: (discerning) Sir… that choking business is very serious. My picking her up and getting her up the stairs? That was just plain funny.

BARNABAS: (laughing) All right, yes… it was.

WADSWORTH: (relieved) Sir? I've made an effort to clean your staring window if you'd like to make use of it.


BARNABAS: (floaty then perturbed) A-h-h, yes… erm… what?

WADSWORTH: The one you used to use to bring your young lady to remember you?

BARNABAS: What are you talking about?

WADSWORTH: (laughing) Don't try to fool me, sir. I told you I know enough.

BARNABAS: (irritable) Then explain it.

WADSWORTH: Well, here for the beauty of a darkened-teal sky and wispy curtains. The lattice frame is solid and what do you usually think of when you look out of it?

BARNABAS: (floaty again) Oh, yes... M-A-G-G-I-E


MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, at the Evans abode.

MAGGIE: Mmm? Hmm? Oh! Why can't I sleep? That dream, it's troubling me again. But is it a dream? I was somewhere so close but so far away, like another place, but it looked like here, like... a different... time...

SAM: Maggie? Are you all right?

MAGGIE: Pop? Yes, Pop. I'm all right.

SAM: Coffee's on the perk if you want some.

MAGGIE: Well, why not? I might as well. I can't sleep anyway. I do wonder why.

[shuffles around, sounds of padding footsteps and couch creaks]

SAM: I've had trouble with that as well. Keep tossing and turning, my nerves are jangled.

(clinking of porcelain)

MAGGIE: Me, too. I keep drinking cup after cup of coffee all day and I just can't seem to relax.

SAM: Exactly, I keep on brewing the stuff and it doesn't make any difference. I keep getting more and more fidgety. Then I tried some of the coffee at the Blue Whale. And that didn't help either. (jovially) Should put some whiskey in it, maybe.

MAGGIE: Time enough for that... Pop?

SAM: What?

MAGGIE: Did you ever finish that portrait Mr. Collins wanted?

SAM: Oh, ages ago. I was considering going 'round to see him, though I'm not sure why. It's awfully late.

MAGGIE: I'll go with you.

SAM: What, just like that?

MAGGIE: Well, not until I've finished this cup, anyway.


MILLIGAN: Back at the Old House.

WADSWORTH: Well, now that you've managed to summon her again, perhaps you could do a little explaining while we wait.


WADSWORTH: A few things, sir. I suppose it is just as well that I give her these earrings.

BARNABAS: You already said you were going to.

WADSWORTH: But do you understand why, sir?

BARNABAS: Of course. They were Josette's and likely belong to someone who resembles her anyway. It's not a worry to me if you insist.

WADSWORTH: No… it is because you never forced her to see them or wear them.

BARNABAS: And what does that mean?

WADSWORTH: It means all that is in her may form an associative memory with something that has no other troubling memory clouded over it, sir.

BARNABAS: I see. (intense curiousity) Why do you want this?

WADSWORTH: Well you are my employer, sir. And I do wish that, as such, he has what he desires… but peaceably and not forcibly, if you catch my meaning.

BARNABAS: If you could do that…

WADSWORTH: It would be good, sir?

BARNABAS: No… it would be.. spectacular. Any other unbelievable questions before she arrives?

WADSWORTH: Well, as I've spent some time polishing silver, there is one bit I was interested in.

BARNABAS: Oh… my cane? How is that compelling to question me about?

WADSWORTH: I think there is a little evidence of Mr. Loomis… on it. Care to make a comment, sir?

BARNABAS: (annoyed) You don't know enough. You know too much.

WADWORTH: Well you might calm yourself when you realize I have your better interests in mind. I understand that he may not have been the most superior underling in the course of matters, but have you considered that he was already rather abused to begin with?

BARNABAS: … a… a bit.

WADSWORTH: See anything similar in yourself there, sir?

BARNABAS: (regretfully) Oh… yes. I'm afraid I do.

WADSWORTH: Yes. So rather than concern yourself with him writing memoirs to betray you, don't you think you might have put some credit in his way?

BARNABAS: All right… how?

WADSWORTH: Well, you will have to come to terms with the fact that, though he was accused of kidnapping Maggie Evans, it wasn't really him… alone… was it?

BARNABAS: (growly) Are you trying to catch me out somehow or are you just queer all around?

WADSWORTH: Thank you for saying it the old fashioned way, sir. It's been a while since I've heard it. But no, I wouldn't keep your mind on the same lady if I felt she was in any real harm… again.

BARNABAS: And what type of harm do you expect from me?

WADSWORTH: Well, the cane, sir. Got a little carried away with something that is meant to help carry you, yes?

BARNABAS: All right. What difference does that make?

WADSWORTH: Well, beating servants is rather an old concept, you see. You want to make sure you don't give yourself away with how much age you really have acquired, do you?

BARNABAS: Oh? You mean I shouldn't just withhold my anger for the sake of others?

WADSWORTH: That would be a better reason… but what with your history, I wasn't sure you would find it as practical. The practical reasons appeal to people more.

BARNABAS: (usual superior assumption of absurd suggestion) Astounding… you do have a way of expressing things, Wadsworth. Suppose, now that I've given Miss Winters the music box, that I should take it away and try giving it to Miss Evans again?

WADSWORTH: No. But I believe you ought not to pursue Miss Winters again.

BARNABAS: (haughty) Oh? And why is that?

WADSWORTH: Well, although many generations connection may dispel any real worry over relationships, I still think she is a little too close for comfort in your regard.

BARNABAS: What do you mean? Do you know something about Miss Winters that would make her… family?

WADSWORTH: I only know it's a stronger possibility than anyone realizes. I have been to the main house and seen enough from Mrs. Stoddard to know that she suspects a connection; a very strong connection, sir.

BARNABAS: (somewhat sadly) Cousin Elizabeth… that is an awkward thing to carry…

WADSWORTH: Yes… and it might be nice for you to take off that hypnotizing spell over your Cousin Carolyn, sir. I'm sure the kind of awkwardness of being so close to a relative isn't all that light on her shoulders either.


MILLIGAN: Ah… sometimes the butler really does do it! And now that Doctor Huff-man… ooops, Doctor Hoffman, has had her huff and come back to the main house for a snooze, she won't really get one. As Carolyn needs to interrogate her via Barnabas's request… but then she magically and thankfully loses interest in doing so.

[door opening]

CAROLYN: Dr. Hoffman?

HOFFMAN: (sighs) Oh… you… hmm… trying to win a battle for your cousin again? Maybe you should stop sneaking around Peterson's office for my notebook and just let it be for once?

CAROLYN: (softly) You know, I think I can now… though I'm not sure why.

HOFFMAN: (annoyed) Oh? That sounds like a trick.

CAROLYN: No, really, can we just talk?

HOFFMAN: (incredulous) In the middle of the night? Why not? Don't suppose you brought any cookies to this pajama party. (sighs) Very well… it is your house after all.

CAROLYN: I just thought you might give me some solution to feeling rather unwell. You are a doctor after all.

HOFFMAN: I'm actually a histor- … oh nevermind… what's the ailment?

CAROLYN: Well, I'd definitely quit bothering you if I wasn't so submerged in Barnabas' own hypnosis, of course. But more to the point, I feel pretty sea-sick having gotten such a piercing hickey from a relative. Even if he is six generations removed.

HOFFMAN: Ah! Well, I don't have a drug for that, but I think we can work something out. However, you really do like that Mr. Peterson, correct?

CAROLYN: Ohh… I suppose so… well… no, I've always been curious about him, really.

HOFFMAN: That's a good start. Could get un-spooked about that other problem by diving into a better relationship. And… if Barnabas ever gets any better, maybe he'll finally feel some remorse over the whole thing… heaven knows there's a lot of things he should already be sorry for.

CAROLYN: (lengthily) Noooo kidding…

HOFFMAN: Still, I'm not too pleased that my experiment turned him into an over-aged walking corpse.

CAROLYN: Yep… that was rather unpleasant to get close to.

HOFFMAN: Still, in all of this, Carolyn, I must admit, you did come in at the wrong place at the wrong time.

CAROLYN: Curing him from that experiment? I think I may have come in at the right place at the right time. I guess blood donation is a thing families do… though goodness! I thought I didn't like needles!

HOFFMAN: Well, that's still a worry. I hope the association with him drawing your blood to regain his old… well young self, won't come up if you ever do need to have blood drawn the usual way, or get an injection.

CAROLYN: That's good to know. But I believe I've felt better thinking about being at the right place and right time now. It changes the perspective of the whole thing. By the way, some of that stuff Barnabas told you about his past…


CAROLYN: If Victoria did just come out of the past… I'm guessing his story wasn't all that accurate, huh?

HOFFMAN: Why do you say that?

CAROLYN: I was in her room and not only did she explain a lot of it half asleep, she explained even more IN her sleep. You think he's just gone mad from his own time travel problems?

HOFFMAN: That and being a vampire. There's a duality of major issues. Plus the length of it. It's not like he was in bed for a year or something. I've seen people gone mad from shorter comas.

CAROLYN: Welllll…. I guess it's all well and good that he's not a mummy or something. That would be even more shocking.

HOFFMAN: Yes… and I have to wonder… why don't you ever have one of those around here too?


MILLIGAN: The doctor has a point! We've been wondering that as well.

HECUBUS: Well, there IS one in a Dark Shadows paperback… but then we do mostly keep to the TV show here, other than out inventive alterations. And we now return to The Old House for a random hang out session between the Evans and their slowly re-grown friendship with The Old House for whatever reason.

[knock, knock... footsteps... door opening]

WADSWORTH: Good evening, Mr. Evans, Miss Evans.

SAM: Hello… (intrigued) well… Regal staff. Shiver my top-tails! That's a surprise… (confused) Although I'm not sure why I made such a nautical outburst about it.

WADSWORTH: I should say not, indeed, sir. Please come in.

MAGGIE: Pop, I told you Barnabas got new help recently. You've been working too long with those Steinbeck projects. How are you ever going to know what the West Coast seaside looks like? Our sunsets are entirely different from their sunsets.

SAM: Why is that?

WADSWORTH: Because, Sir, the ocean opposes the land on different sides. We wake to look at the sun rising over the ocean. They finish their days with the sun setting over the ocean.

SAM: Hmm? Well it really makes no difference in Monterey, the shore's just a big basin. The sun doesn't set over the ocean there.

WADSWORTH: Oh, yes, you are correct sir.

SAM: I like this new butler!

WADSWORTH: Valet, sir, well, I suppose it makes little difference.

SAM: Yes, butler, valet, housekeeper, the works, eh? Mr. Collins needs all the help he can get in one neat package.

BARNABAS: This is true, Mr. Evans. Oh, it is delightful to see you both.

SAM: Ah, Mr. Collins. I suppose you can't sleep either. I swear there is something in the coffee 'round here that is keeping us all awake!

BARNABAS: (covers a burp) As long as it truly is coffee... Please, come in, sit down. Wadsworth, do you suppose you could attend to our wakefulness?


BARNABAS: Well, you do seem to work miracles. I'm wondering if you, perhaps, had a suggestion to make?

WADWORTH: (smiling) Well, I do have an old family blend I can work with now that the kitchen is in order. (steps out)

MAGGIE: (surprised) There's a KITCHEN?

BARNABAS: Well, it was a bit antiquated. Willie did some of the wall and window maintenance, as well as some of the plumbing... when there was a moment handy... rare as that's been... Then Wadsworth took on the various details of replacing the equipment and having it installed properly.

SAM: What, him? Really? He seems like he wouldn't want to get his hands dirty much less his shirt.

BARNABAS: Oh, no, no, he didn't do everything; there was a lot of direction and people hired here and there.

MAGGIE: As I look around this place, it all just seems to blossom as it used to.

SAM: Eh?

BARNABAS: (eager) USED to?

Maggie: Why yes! You know, during the summer time and it warming up, I can recall all the flowers... wait, what was I saying?

[wheels squeaking]

WADSWORTH: Here you are, sir. All poured and prepared, a full pot, cream and sugar.

SAM: Well, my goodness, a tea trolley... even if it is serving coffee.

MAGGIE: And the old porcelain service, too!

BARNABAS: You, erm, recognise the dishes?

MAGGIE: Of course, they—oh, you must have had me over at some point in the last few months. That must be it!

WADSWORTH: Miss Evans, may I ask your assistance with the crumpets?

MAGGIE: Oh? You need help with something? That's a surprise. I suppose I'll see about it just to find out what I could do to improve any tasks you have.

[steps, door flapping]

WADSWORTH: It's a matter of lemon curd or jam, madam. Any preference?

MAGGIE: You could have just asked me that.

WADSWORTH: Well, I suppose you have some inkling that I wanted a private moment.

MAGGIE: You? You haven't got that much of an interest in me, surely!

WADSWORTH: Not in that way, madam. However, there is a little something an… old friend, wished to bestow upon you. Unfortunately it has to remain a secret from whom it came, but I can assure you, that secret isn't me.

MAGGIE: Oh? Anything else I should know about it?

WADSWORTH: It may conclude some of the odd recollections you've been having trouble with, or at least spark them. However, I ask you not open this case until you arrive in your own room at home in these late hours.

MAGGIE: (jokingly) Don't tell me… I'll open it and it'll spring out like a joke can of peanut brittle.

WADSWORTH: (chuckling) Perhaps…

MAGGIE: All right, (softly) thank you… anyway, how about what we discussed we keep honest?


MAGGIE: Yes… Jam, please.

WADSWORTH: (knowingly) Very good, madam…


WADSWORTH: … moiselle.


MILLIGAN: Now that you're enthralled with chamber pots and coffee cups I invite you BACK to... the NEWER HOUSE!

[phone rings, someone answers]

ROGER: (peeved) Good heavens, do you know what time it is?

MISS CLEO: (boisterous Jamaican accent) Don't go blindly through life. Let me use the power of the Tarot to show the way!


MISS CLEO: Talk to me NOW! For your free readin'!

["You Are The Cream In My Coffee" by Annette Henshaw as ending credits theme]

All due respect to:

Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

George Pal's "The Time Machine"

John Kellette & Jaan Kenbrovi

Miss Cleo

The sadly defunct makers of Postum

And, of course

Dark Shadows (1960s tv show)

Any laughter? Please let me know. Any little thing! Thanks! J