The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 9: "The Wisdom of Mayhem"

[Moonlight Sonata music box version playing, chair swivels, hoots and hollers]

HECUBUS: Good Evening! And Welcome to the Darkness Pit. I am your host, Sir Hecubus!

[woos and hollers]

HECUBUS: Like the new music? I lightened it up some… I thought it was too gloomy. Oh! Tonight we're having an employee/employer exchange. So I will be your host as well. (shuffles around desk) as we look at the unconscious and the hidden truths that lie… hidden… in the Collinsport Soul.

MILLIGAN: C'mon! Move it along. It's all about pace! The people are getting bored!

HECUBUS: I don't think so. I think I'm doing fine. Don't you think?

[rapturous applause]

MILLIGAN: (disgruntled) Traitors.

HECUBUS: (quiet excitement) Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down lower. Okay, Okay. (regular volume)Now, I would like to introduce to you one who could be the spawn of Satan himself.

MILLIGAN: Hurry up! My knees are going!

HECUBUS: One who has walked upon the path of evil many times.

MILLIGAN: Hurry! My knees, my back! My a-r-c-h-e-s!

HECUBUS: One, who in fact, enjoys a brisk evening's walk across-

MILLIGAN: That's it! I'm coming up!

HECUBUS: Manservant… Master!

[woots and hollers]

MILLIGAN: Thank you… I suppose we all know why this exchanged has happened.

HECUBUS: Nooo, Manservant Master… perhaps you could explain.

MILLIGAN: Well… no matter. Why leak all the details? Like I said; it's all about pace.

HECUBUS: All right. I will now put you in a trance, Master.

MILLIGAN: Oh, very good. The Sleep of Ages. I wrote this one. Okay, Rookie, while attempting the sleep of ages you must separate your fingers like this, thus preventing injury.

HECUBUS: Oh, that's okay. I've got my own way.

MILLIGAN: Oh, really? This I've got to see.

HECUBUS: A mighty dose of barkeep Robert Punctilious Andrews' port from the Blue Whale. Here you are, all in one, Master.

MILLIGAN: Oh, HADES! Punchy's Port. I'm so hosed! *GULP* Ha, I don't feel a thing. Now that you're hosting you are ruining the show!

HECUBUS: Now, Master, tell me… do you like Angelique Bouchard?

MILLIGAN: No. (groggy) I do not LIKE Angelique Bouchard. That wouldn't work with the story.

HECUBUS: Then let me rephrase the question.

MILLIGAN: OH! You BASTARD!

HECUBUS: Do you lust after Angelique Bouchard?

MILLIGAN: (trying to hold it in and then letting go) OH YES! OH GOD, YES! Evil, evil!

HECUBUS: Now… Master, go into the darkest recesses of your soul, and reveal to us-

MILLIGAN: Oh, god, no!

HECUBUS: What is going on in Collinsport during this episode?

MILLIGAN: (deep relief) Phew! Oh, lor! Well… That's a good question! And so, we know that Nicholas and Angelique have taken a room at the Collinsport Inn, WE KNOW, that Maggie & Barnabas have nodded off at the Old House in a drunken stupor. WE KNOW that Willie Loomis is busy with the calligraphic arts, and our Bradford couple is staying in relative contentment with the Addams Family. We know that David is still working on a lesser known song to retrieve his old playmate Sarah. AND we know, that Elizabeth Stoddard has been driven out to meet the village gossip, among other attributes, in town.

[Dark Shadows Theme Music]

HECUBUS: And now we take you to Elizabeth Stoddard arriving at the home of… guess who-o-o?

[gentle knocking on door, door opens]

WOMAN'S VOICE: (gentle) Ohh, hello, Lizzie. I haven't seen you in some months. Decided to pay me a visit, finally?

ELIZABETH: Hello, Millie… or should I call you Mayhem these days?

MILDRED: (light chuckle) No… but I do deserve that nickname. I have the reputation for the best gossip, of course. And I don't charge five bucks for it like Mr. Wells at the Inn.

ELIZABETH: Could we go for a walk?

[light ocean noise]

ELIZABETH: I must say, you've done a pretty good job keeping all the locals occupied.

MILDRED: I suppose. I don't know how that comes about exactly, but we'll have to manufacture something for me to say since you know we'll be seen out here. I'll have a scattered collection of Collinsport spectators over soon for any excuse to know why you came by.

ELIZABETH: I know. That's why I don't make the trip so often, Millie. (sighs) Well, what shall we go through first? The gossip part or the real reason I came?

MILDRED: Gossip first, like I always say. Keeps people happy. You know where Carolyn was last night?

ELIZABETH: Presumably out with that lawyer, likely got home later and in her own bed this early.

MILDRED: (bemused) No, Lizzie, she's not.

ELIZABETH: (suspicious) Ohhh, whose bed is she in?

MILDRED: No bed, she's all right, fully clothed, on the couch, at the law office. They both are. Right up there in town.

ELIZABETH: (indignant) Oh, grand! I should go right over and-

MILDRED: (comforting) Lizzie, it's all right. They had some business to clear up with Sam. Then they were still excited and went to the Drive-In. They barely made it consciously back to his office and fell asleep pretty quick.

ELIZABETH: (incredulous) Are you telling me you know everything that went on?

MILDRED: Almost, Lizzie, almost. Drive-in's and couches are pretty much good for first base, and a bit of second base, but that's about it. I've seen them together. They aren't desperate enough for all that at this point. This relationship of theirs is more exploratory, if you know what I mean. There's some savoring at each step. I'd be secretively proud if I were you, Lizzie.

ELIZABETH: Oh? Because I couldn't wait, is that what you mean?

MILDRED: And now we get to the real reason… still. You were almost thirty when you had Carolyn. I wouldn't call that an early roll in the hay, Liz.

ELIZABETH: (darkly) I'm not talking about Carolyn, or Paul Stoddard.

MILDRED: (knowingly) Oh, the other one… Liz, I'd still give you way more credit. By that time you were about 24, but for heaven's sake, would you call that just jumping in?

ELIZABETH: (sighs) Oh, Millie, it's hard to know which way the world is turning. These days with all the new-cobbled liberations and such, I only want to know that Carolyn is safe. But I have my own past to look at in comparison.

MILDRED: Then listen to yourself, Lizzie. Quiet down the memories and just listen… Now… look back to town and tell me what your deductions are about that situation.

ELIZABETH: (takes a deep breath and a pause) I see… (happy hum) Very cozy, somehow lopped up together on that bit of furniture. Sleeping, and cozy and not having gotten all that far with one another, but… certainly feeling like it.

MILDRED: Precisely, there's the smile I was looking for. See, let all that scandalous ideology go and what do you have to worry about? The truth… I sometimes wish the others in this town could do that, but I guess if they did I wouldn't be so amused horsing around with them.

ELIZABETH: (giggling)Yes, and you did always keep my secrets.

MILDRED: I had to, Elizabeth. No one would believe half of the things that really go on up at that estate for more than four days! They like to believe in all of it, but they don't keep to believing it.

ELIZABETH: Well, that's a relief to know… I often wonder if everything will turn out for the better… and (snidely) if it did… what would this town have to talk about anyway?

MILDRED: (off handedly) Oh, let 'em all move to Waltons Mountain if they want a few thrills with gossip by that point. Where do you think Mr. Wells and I used to live?

ELIZABETH: (snickering) That would make sense… (attempts to recompose herself then speaks with hesitation) … Mildred, do you know if, well, where, who-

MILDRED: Easy for you to say.

ELIZABETH: (clears throat) Yes, it's, its Victoria Winters. She's been gone for some time now and I've been wondering where, and I've been wondering if she has always been who I suspected her to be.

MILDRED: (reassuring) I think she is. I think she's yours…

ELIZABETH: And you never spilled the beans to anyone?

MILDRED: No. When was there time? People were too caught up with all the stuff going on with Devlin and Malloy and Calder and McGuire and Loomis, and whoever else! Besides, some people never saw you and decided you were deceased, practically. I know you didn't relish your male companionship decisions, but you didn't have to lock yourself in so much.

ELIZABETH: Thanks, I suppose… But, Mildred, there was one I did admire. And I believe that if I can lay any claim to Victoria, I should find him. That's why I'm really here.

MILDRED: (surprise) Ohh, that's it. I see… Wow, you still surprise me. I had my suspicions about that trip you took up there, and still have my suspicions about Miss Winters and you, but I often reflected that must have been a one night stand.

ELIZABETH: No, Millie, no. He wanted to marry me, and at times I wish so much that it had worked out that way. But it's hard to wish that when one has another child to care for as well.

MILDRED: Well, thanks to that nasty McGuire character, you've got your divorce from Paul, so your way is clear. The fellow you're looking for may not be as clear, but you never know until you ask. I suppose you parted company before getting much farther and lost touch.

ELIZABETH: Almost. He helped me through a great deal. I was up there for a year. I was sure if I only put forward the courage to ask my father about it, the answer would come, but I never could.

MILDRED: I know. He died not long after you got home again. Rotten luck, if you ask me. But, Lizzie, what about the cousin that went up there with you? Why don't you ask her? I'd wager if the two of you wrack your brains you'll come up with something tangible.

ELIZABETH: (befuddled) Lily? It's been ages since I've seen her either. She even visited me after she had her own little bundle of joy and I was too caught up in my own affairs to give her much attention. I'm sure she's happy to have seen the last of me.

MILDRED: That's not the Lily I remember, Liz. You came to me for advice and I'm giving it to you. Get in touch with Lily. She's too happy herself most of the time not to want to share it. And she's zany enough to get you to laugh.

ELIZABETH: (laughs) All right, I'll think it over. So what are you going to tell the rest of your spontaneous callers today as to why I showed up?

MILDRED: Exactly what we have been discussing, Liz; about how more delivery men have to come up to the estate because they're all too chicken to deliver to both of the houses. And I swear, what is the point of that? I'm almost ready to start my own delivery racket and put those guys outta business. I've got more than herbs to sell, I tell you.

ELIZABETH: You do a marvelous trade already. Can I get some of your chamomile soap while I'm here, Millie?

MILDRED: I thought you'd never ask.

MILLIGAN: Hmm! That Mayhem is a wise one, for she has managed to hit upon the location of our not-so- steamy romantic duo.

HECUBUS: Master, what do you mean? They were steamy enough to fog up a second reel had there been one for them!

MILLIGAN: (annoyed) They came up for air before "Paint It Black" and I subsequently lost the bet.

HECUBUS: Hee, hee, hee!

MILLIGAN: Enough of that! Not that it makes much difference. We all REALLY know who hosts this show…

[applause & hoots]

MILLIGAN: Oh, my, thank you! At last… We'll see where this awkward morning leads upon a law-office couch.

[shuffling noises, groggy waking mumbly-ness]

TONY: Well…

CAROLYN: Good morning…

TONY: I think you said that before we nodded off here.

CAROLYN: It's worth repeating.

[smooching sounds, etc]

TONY: Wow, usually a kiss puts one in a horizontal position, not a vertical one.

CAROLYN: There's a first time for everything. As for that… where's the candy dish?

TONY: Huh?

CAROLYN: It's an office, right? Didn't you have peppermints in a jar?

TONY: Oh (getting up) yeah, here. (glass tinkling)

CAROLYN: Thanks. (click of peppermint to teeth) I hope you weren't disappointed.

TONY: By what?

CAROLYN: (coy) Well, we only… you know.

TONY: Wow. I thought you were going to make some off-hand remark about make-up free mornings.

CAROLYN: (laughing) Ha. No, no, no. Though I'll have to wonder if I wiped all the mascara off before I passed out.

TONY: Only here (kiss like click sound)

CAROLYN: Wah! (laughs) Just lick my eye, why don't you.

TONY: (sportive) If that's what you want.

CAROLYN: Far out! I can see it'll be hard to disappoint you at all.

TONY: Just sitting here with you is happening enough for me.

CAROLYN: I feel the same way about you. I had half an inkling this was going to be awkward, but it isn't.

HECUBUS: Hee, hee, hee, hee… not awkward, Master.

MILLIGAN: Shut UP, Hecubus!

CAROLYN: I don't even feel like sneaking out of the building. I feel like getting right up (steps) opening this window (metal blinds flit & bend) and… Uh, daa-a-amn! (Ruffles back to couch and Tony)

TONY: Gah- what was that for?

CAROLYN: Mother's out there!

TONY: What? (steps, flit of blinds) Oh, she's not even close… if that's even… her. How can you tell?

CAROLYN: (smothered under coat) Her big chestnut bouffant!

TONY: I wouldn't call that a bouffant. Come on (steps and sits) you want I should hide you behind the file cabinet?

CAROLYN: (slowly begins to chuckle) Yeh, I suppose she's out for some other reason… I hope.

TONY: Looked like she was over at old Mayhem's house. Perhaps she was getting an update on all the gossip.

CAROLYN: Gossip? Probably wondering where I was.

TONY: Maybe she was just getting some tea.

CAROLYN: Not likely. Say, what time is it?

TONY: Almost 9. Can I buy you a shower?

CAROLYN: No. Even if there was a shower around here what would I do? Get all clean and put on the same used clothing?

TONY: I could take you home to freshen up.

CAROLYN: No way. I want to get a move on and get that painting back to Gull Cottage. Glistening passion and all.

TONY: Me too. Wish breakfast wasn't so hard to procure without an overwhelming surge of raised eye-brows. Not that there is much to raise them about, but still, people just assume.

CAROLYN: Ah, well, there's enough to raise my eyebrows about. I'm going to peek through that window again. (steps)

TONY: (jovially) Oh? Before you were going to open it up and profess something.

CAROLYN: (flitting through blinds) Ahh… looks like she's leaving… Hmm? Profess? (steps back) Oh, I was going to yell out the window that I slept with you and nothing else. (slumps to couch again)

TONY: (Smiling) Eh, it still wouldn't get taken that way.

CAROLYN: I know. Darn euphemisms.

HECUBUS: I dunno, Master. That seemed like a swift non-morning-after-morning.

MILLIGAN: Humph (groaning) someone's going to get awkward on this damn program.

HECUBUS: What about Maggie Evans and Barnabas Collins?

MILLIGAN: (brightening) Oh, hey, yeah! Let's take a peep at the Old House and see how that drunken stumbling turned out!

[light snoring]

MAGGIE: (gulping) Where the heck? (resignedly) Oh, good gracious-

BARNABAS: Oh, Miss Evans, I, what, happened?

MAGGIE: (sighs) Well, looks like we both passed out while the blaze turned into… embers.

BARNABAS: And then… ashes.

MAGGIE: Mmm-hmm… observant. Looks like someone threw us a blanket at least.

BARNABAS: Hullo… what's this? (paper rustling lightly, reading) "Sir, Stood at attention for half an hour and then adjourned to slumber. Left choice of Bloody Mary carafe, or Aftereffects Preventative on ice under the cover of the bucket with two glasses upside-down to stay chilled. No funny business. Your affectionate steward, Wadsworth."

MAGGIE: No funny business? Well… does that mean he didn't see any or was he warning us… not to?

BARNABAS: A bit of both I imagine.

MAGGIE: Hmm… this is… awkward…

MILLIGAN: Ha-ha! At last!

HECUBUS: Master, shh!

MILLIGAN: Sorry.

MAGGIE: Barnabas, why do you have a stuffed bird on your curtain rod?

BARNABAS: Bird? I have no bird on the curtain rod… oh… except that one.

MAGGIE: I didn't think you were much for taxidermy.

BARNABAS: I wasn't. Not that I can recall.

[clicking noise]

MAGGIE: eep! All right, that isn't stuffed.

[blanket drops as the two rise]

MAGGIE: (shudders)

BARNABAS: Oh, here (rises and shuffles) take my Inverness.

MAGGIE: Thanks, but I thought it was an Ulster coat.

BARNABAS: Oh, well, whichever. As long as it helps.

MAGGIE: What's it doing here?

BARNABAS: I hardly know. I'm not sure when I've seen a bird like that before.

MAGGIE: Oh, it's got to be common enough. I'll admit it's terribly large. Likely part of the corvidae family.

BARNABAS: How do you know that?

MAGGIE: Oh, my family and I went bird watching plenty of times. Plus there's always been decent camping in the area. Anyway, we could check the encyclopedia.

BARNABAS: The what?

MAGGIE: The encyclopedia, Barnabas. Don't you have a set?

BARNABAS: Well, I must, but I admit it hasn't come up since we started renovating the house. I haven't reached all the items in every single room.

MAGGIE: But I know there IS one here. I'm certain.

BARNABAS: Maggie? How do you know?

MAGGIE: Well, I just know.

BARNABAS: I- I'd like to believe you but you must confess just knowing isn't exactly convincing.

[flapping noises]

BARNABAS: Where is it going?

MAGGIE: (excited) Up the stairs.

BARNABAS: Where are you going?

MAGGIE: I'm going up. I know it's up there.

BARNABAS: The bird?

[shuffling up the steps]

MAGGIE: Well, yes, but the books are up there.

BARNABAS: Not so fast. I am only as young as I used to be.

HECUBUS: (confused) Master… he's only as young as he used to be?

MILLIGAN: Well, he has been a vampire for some time, of course! He should be as young as he used to be… even now in his semi-altered state.

BARNABAS: (covering alarm) Wait, don't go in there.

MAGGIE: Why not?

BARNABAS: That's… That's Josette's room.

MAGGIE: I know it.

BARNABAS: And… it doesn't… frighten you?

MAGGIE: No, why should it? Really, Mr. Collins, you and David have far more in common than I thought.

BARNABAS: We are related.

MAGGIE: A strong resemblance. (opens door) Uh…

BARNABAS: Maggie, are you all right?

MAGGIE: (spacey)This room hasn't changed… but… it has.

[bird flaps in]

BARNABAS: (mild growl) If he makes a mess in this room I'm getting my cane.

MAGGIE: I'd predict the drapes downstairs might already have a mess… its' in here.

BARNABAS: I'll draw the curtains. [draws curtains] What are you doing down there?

MAGGIE: It's here! Under the bed- wait, what, ah!

BARNABAS: (alarmed) Maggie, what is it?

MAGGIE: The chamber pot, I had to move it. There's a dead rat in there.

BARNABAS: Ooo, yes… rather fresh, put that aside.

MAGGIE: This, this crate. This is it.

WADSWORTH: Sir?

BARNABAS & MAGGIE: (startled) Ah!

WADSWORTH: Oh, do forgive me. Hello, Miss Evans, good to see you feeling better. Is there any assistance I might give?

MAGGIE: Oh, I'm sorry if we woke you. We're trying to get this crate out and-

WADSWORTH: Ah, allow me (grunts) Erm… if sir will assist?

BARNABAS: Of course.

[heavy sliding noise]

WADSWORTH: Well, I presume I should get some tools to help open this. Excuse me. (steps)

BARNABAS: Maggie, why were you so eager to find this?

MAGGIE: Because I knew it was here. I know the books are in here.

BARNABAS: Do you know whose crate this was?

MAGGIE: No, but I'm guessing you're going to tell me.

BARNABAS: This is one of a few crates that… the inhabitant of this room… didn't open. She'd planned to upon her marriage. She never did.

MAGGIE: You've never opened it?

BARNABAS: No, I considered it too sacred. Besides, how could you possibly know what's in here?

MAGGIE: I don't know everything that's in here, but I'm sure the encyclopedia are.

[sounds of clanking metal]

WADSWORTH: Pardon me, sir. Shouldn't be too long. I would expect that the nails have long rusted. (creak of nailed box opening) One may wish to avert one's eyes. There may be a host of insects herein.

BARNABAS: Admittedly, from the chew marks on the edges, I see that the possums have laid their claim.

[creaks and scuffing pops]

MAGGIE: At last! Now, lets, ooof! Now I know why the Hoover vacuum is so popular. (sneezes)

WADSWORTH: Just as long as it's not J. Edgar…

MAGGIE: Hmm?

WADSWORTH: No matter, madam.

MAGGIE: Look at this. (cloth ruffling) There's all kinds of items. We'll have to transfer it all to a trunk.

BARNABAS: With a sturdy key. Oh, is this…?

MAGGIE: YES! Three volumes. Encyclopedia Britannica.

BARNABAS: (slowly) Surprising that it isn't the French Encyclopédie.

MAGGIE: (slightly affronted) Of course not. The Denis Diderot editions were at least 17 volumes. I wasn't going to have that set lugged through the Dominica Channel and up The Gulf Stream.

BARNABAS: What… do… you mean, you weren't?

MAGGIE: Did I say that? I meant her, I mean… well…

BARNABAS: (curious suspicion) This box hasn't been opened since it was sealed over an hundred years ago. And you knew at least some of what was in it.

MAGGIE: I think… I think it's time for one of those hang-over cures… now.

WADSWORTH: Very good, Miss Evans.

HECUBUS: Meanwhile at a Collinsport Inn suite, or the equivalent of what they have in that hotel.

[Other-worldly noises in the background that may be expected when a demonic witch and warlock are staying in a Hotel. This signifies that the darker regions of the Underworld aren't exactly pleased with either of them, but are keeping them company anyway.]

BLAIR: So, Angel-cake… feeling any better?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (wiped out) No… I've already been over-aged to the point of absurdity. And your dodging out of the way last night didn't help.

BLAIR: (giggling) Well, I wasn't going to have this moustache clipped for anything.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (aggravated) I told you playing Bloody Mary was going to piss her off. Doesn't help she managed to hit me up and now I'm even more of a mess.

BLAIR: (annoyingly chipper) I could order a round of Bloody Mary drinks. A little hair of the ghost, eh?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (snorts) I'll likely regret it, but you might as well.

BLAIR: I'll go down and get it. Don't want some green bell-boy type to come up and take a glimpse of you as you are.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Thanks a-lot…

[door closes, brooding noises fade to more singular moans, odd banshee hums]

MALE VOICE: Mmm- hmm… hello Angelique…

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (groaning) Oh, now what, come to finish the job, Mary?

MALE VOICE: Do I sound like a queen to you?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: I hardly know anymore. Who are you?

MALE VOICE: A list of your victims longer than Jack The Ripper's and you have to… well, with a list that long, I guess you'd need to ask. If you needed to become a Collins so bad, you might have inculcated me… but no. You lazily induced me with the grief of betraying my own nephew and his betrothed. Sloppy work, madam.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Oh, no…

MALE VOICE: Oh yes.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Jeremiah? Jeremiah Collins? Haven't you haunted me enough?

JEREMIAH: I could ask the same of you. Such a string of bewitching and deaths and evil spells… all over one man? You have more than a lot of nerve; you've got enough brass to supply the entire Renaissance. Here you are still haunting and grieving my family. If it wasn't for you I might have had a happy life with…

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Oh, yes, that one. Joshua Collins would have loved that.

JEREMIAH: I've seen the possibility of that plight, Angelique. Phyllis and I could have been happy. Such things were possible in a newly developing nation. May have worked out even better than my first wife.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (irritated) So what do you want me to do about it?

JEREMIAH: Ask yourself this. What if another man had wanted you? Really wanted you? Servant and all?

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: (incredulous) Servant and all? That would have been some odd paperwork.

JEREMIAH: Women were still practically chattel back then, the disturbance was minimal. Besides, you got away with something similar… didn't you? Now, what if?

[funeral bells begin to toll in the distance]

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Well, I'd have to think about that.

JEREMIAH: (kindly) Come with me, Angelique. You are tired as it is. Come and think about it.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: I'll be back, won't I?

JEREMIAH: I'm afraid so. Nicholas Blair isn't done with you yet.

WITHERED ANGELIQUE: Damn.

[wispy fog noises, funeral bells tolling fade out, door opens and footsteps enter, annoying hellacious groans and such fade back in with Nicholas Blair's presence]

BLAIR: Well, my dear. They didn't scrimp on the celery, just as you like it…. Angelique? Angelique? (slapping cheek in rapid succession and sighing) Aw… Ukobach, and Belzebuth… she's dead. Again… How… inconvenient

HECUBUS: Sometime later in the drawing room of Collinwood, young David is having his try at the piano.

[dabbling of song Hot Cross Buns]

DAVID: Hmm… this song is almost as bad as London Bridges. It's only a notch above Ring-Around-The-Roses… but that's because I haven't heard it as much as the other two.

ELIZABETH: Well, it has only a few notes in its entirety. Here, let me give it a try. Just the right hand, very simply. (plays hot cross buns)

DAVID: You make it look so easy.

ELIZABETH: Well, I've been playing a while, young man. Tell me, why are you trying this one?

DAVID: I'm just trying to learn how to sing it. Pretty sure I know how to now. Besides, I'm hungry.

ELIZABETH: Well, I heard you testing this out yesterday, so I asked Mrs. Johnson to bake some. How about you see if the biscuits are better than the song?

DAVID: Really?

ELIZABETH: Sure, go on, now… I've got to use the telephone.

DAVID: (runs out)

[telephone gets picked up]

ELIZABETH: Yes, operator? I need to get into touch with someone long distance. Yes, I'll hold… All right, lets see. Pretty sure this is a town in California… I'm sorry, it's been a long time. Mockingbird Heights. I believe the family name is Muenster… yes, like the cheese.

HECUBUS: Ah, and now we lead you to said household, where a good stew pot is bubbling happily.

[phone rings, trotting to telephone]

LILY: Hello?

ELIZABETH: Hello! Is that you, Lily?

LILY: (excited) Oh… oh… oh. I know who this is, don't tell me!

ELIZABETH: (softly) Really, still sweet as ever…amazing…

LILY: I know! It's… it's Lizzie?

ELIZABETH: You really remember me?

LILY: Oh, of course I remember you! So winsome, sensuous and warm-hearted. And I've been waiting for you to call.

ELIZABETH: You sound as though you were expecting it, Lily.

LILY: I certainly have been! You know I told you we'd be seeing each other again. I wished it was sooner but those days do go by so fast sometimes.

ELIZABETH: I know. I need… your help.

LILY: I thought so. There's someone you're looking for isn't there?

ELIZABETH: That's true. All the details have gotten so hazy and I think I need someone to consult them with. I'd like to ask if you'd be our guest here at Collinwood.

LILY: (delighted) You're inviting me? Oh! Well, I'd love to come! I'll have to make some arrangements, of course, but I think it's high time you and I had a good outing again. If my calculations are accurate we'll be doing more than just chatting. I'd say this should lead to an extensive journey, and even further abroad than the last one.

ELIZABETH: (concerned) Are you sure about that, Lily?

LILY: Yes, indeed. I think I've had my passport updated. How about you?

ELIZABETH: Passport? I doubt the one I have is current.

LILY: Then you ought to get to work on it while I'm on my way. And I'm going to get ready immediately, so try not to take your time about it.

ELIZABETH: (taken aback but steady) Oh, well, this is all so sudden… but… if you think it's best…I can manage… And Lily? I hope you can forgive me for not getting in touch sooner. It's been rather hard here for some time.

LILY: Oh, no-no! I realize Collinwood is such a serious place and that would last a while, but it's starting to brighten up a bit, isn't it?

ELIZABETH: A bit, and that's something we knock-on-wood to around here.

LILY: Then, take care, my dear and don't forget about the passport. I'll ring off now.

ELIZABETH: See you soon.

[Receivers click down and door of coffin creaks shut]

LILY: Grandpa? Grandpa? (slightly irriated) Hmm, oh, Dad, where are you?

GRANDPA: (creaking trap-door) Keep yer shroud on! Calling me, Lily? (stepping up)

LILY: Only for the umpteenth time. I just got off the phone with… guess who?

GRANDPA: Oh… Mina Harker?

LILY: No, no. It is a relative, though.

GRANDPA: Garret & Myna in Death Valley?

LILY: No, and not Boris either.

GRANDPA: Uncle George? Really, Lily, you might as well just tell me. With all my wives we could be here 'til Eddie graduates high school.

LILY: (Happily) Lizzie.

GRANDPA: Borden?

LILY: Nooooo, we're not related to her… are we?

GRANDPA: Like I said…

LILY: Yes, so you did. Anyway, that was Elizabeth Collins… well Stoddard, but you know who I mean.

GRANDPA: My, my… that does take me back. That elegant Maine estate. Did she, uh, say how Brutus or Constance were doin'?

LILY: No, that was so long ago, even before my time. I'm sure they aren't there anymore.

GRANDPA: Ah… what about Quentin?

LILY: Oh, Grandpa, I asked about him the last time I was there. He's long gone, too.

GRANDPA: Well, that is a pity. He so often reminded me of your brother Lester, at least in looks. Quite a marked resemblance as I recall. Snarky little beast, that one.

LILY: You remember, Dad. It was before Eddie was born. I chaperoned her tour through The Maritimes.

GRANDPA: Oooh, yes, I do remember. I'm not sure chaperone is the best description for that trip. Wasn't little Carolyn, um… cobbled together around that time?

LILY: Noooo, no, she was not. I can promise you that.

GRANDPA: I was sure that some bitty dame was constructed around that time. Dear, it's already happening. I'm getting old and forgetting people.

LILY: Oh, don't say that. Your not even 400 yet. Still in your prime.

GRANDPA: Thanks, Daughter. Now what did this Cousin Elizabeth want?

LILY: That's the thing. I've got to go and see her. There's some unfinished business. Ooo (excited) I've been looking forward to this for years. I knew our paths would cross again. I saw it in her palm.

GRANDPA: A voyage; all the way out there? Lily, no one knows how to run this household as well as you do.

LILY: Well, that's just it. I've been thinking. What better opportunity for Marilyn than to leave her in charge?

GRANDPA: Marilyn? In charge? Here?

LILY: Of course. She's more than up to it now, I think.

GRANDPA: (some despair) Oh, mighty Brides. I leave thus all in your capable hands.

LILY: Dad, It's going to be fine! Now! I have to pack.

HECUBUS: And now we return you the Evans Cottage, preparing for the retrieval of the painting.

SAM: Well, old man, I suppose the kids will be here soon to transport the painting.

GREGG: Ah, it will be good to have it back safe and sound.

SAM: Daniel, will this be goodbye?

GREGG: Of course not, Andre. Like you said, I'm stuck. But I am not stuck to the painting. However, I'm sure there will be plenty to keep me busy. The man who owns Mrs. Muir's house is an awful handful. I daresay I will have to tighten the bottlescrews at home.

SAM: Aye, I'm just a little worried to carry on. It's pretty amazing to know that much French so suddenly. I don't want to start believing this was all a dream.

GREGG: Ah, then here is a little reminder to make sure you don't lose your way.

[heavy object on table top]

SAM: Ha! Look at that… A compass, eh? Very handy and much appreciated… I guess you're finally teleporting things, Daniel? I knew you'd manage it someday.

GREGG: I thank you. You are a winsome soul, as Andre DuPres or Sam Evans.

SAM: We-l-l, I have my doubts. I must recall being rather blustery on one angle or drunk and disorderly on the other.

GREGG: They've said the same of me, my friend. I was never tied to an apron string. Nor put by the fireplace like a pet poodle. Still, of course, many tried.

SAM: Well then, I guess we're square… (concerned) wait a minute… this compass is broken. (facetiously indignant) You're giving me a broken compass?

GREGG: Oh, not at all. Walk around the room and try it out.

SAM: (stepping about)… ah, I see, it only points to you.

GREGG: Yes. I am its due North. More to the point, you can summon me through it. Mrs. Muir tends to call out to the air which can be very embarrassing with people giving her queer looks all the time. Just tap it and think of me. Mind you, though. I mayn't always be available, and besides I'll be around anyway. Didn't that Proust of yours have five volumes?

SAM: Seven, Capitaine.

GREGG: Ah, ha, ha! Well, tell the nippers I'll meet them at my house. Meanwhile, I think I'll be off to find you some help.

SAM: After all this, do you think we'll be needing more help?

GREGG: I hope not, but I fear that fragmented creature may still feel she has a bone to pick around here… Ah, dear. I guess I will have to make a lengthy trip… not that it overburdens me.

SAM: (with trepidation) Daniel, you don't mean more… craftiness?

GREGG: (enthusiastically) Of course, Andre. We must thrust blaze against blaze. (laughing) Looks like I'll be going from one Sam to another today.

SAM: Sam? I thought you said it was a she.

GREGG: Of course, Sam is often short for something. It may take some convincing… but then I hear she was made a monarch recently of her domain… or… was going to be.

SAM: Hooo… sounds complicated. I thought you said she was a housewife.

GREGG: Oh, (chuckles) she sure tries to be. Renouncing ones powers is quite unmanageable, like trying to get toothpaste back into a collapsible tube… by hand. As it is, I find her much more approachable than most. Well, I'll be off.

SAM: Sail ho, Captain.

[harp ripple of Captain Gregg disappearing, car motor revs and halts, door opens]

SAM: (welcoming resignation) Come on in, you two… oh, hmm, I see… weren't you wearing that last…? Nevermind…

[steps in, door closes]

TONY: Ahem, good morning.

CAROLYN: Good morning, Mr. Evans. Isn't Maggie in?

SAM: Funny you should mention that. She never made an appearance last night. Though the Captain let me know she was fine and I'll take his word for it at this point. Not like I could do much if he wasn't telling the truth. I expect she had an inkling a lot was going on and decided to stay out of the way. I take it neither of you have eaten, so I put together some English muffins, and such. Coffee freshly perked.

TONY: Oh, normally I wouldn't dare impose but, thank you!

CAROLYN: Yes! We're famished. (jovially) I promise we won't run away from the coffee this time.

SAM: Ah-ha! Yes, well, I had a feeling. I was young once, myself. Sorry, but Captain Gregg skipped out a minute ago. Said he'd meet you at his house, whatever that means.

TONY: That's all right. I think we know.

SAM: So, what did you two get up to… in so many words? I was betting on the Blue Whale but Gregg said differently.

CAROLYN: Um… we went to… the pictures.

SAM: Ah, and how did that go?

TONY: No one took our admission, practically free.

CAROLYN: And then the view was a little distracting. The full moon was lovely setting behind the screen.

TONY: Then the fire engine that seemed to be occupied for well over half an hour off to the left. No fire, thankfully, but it was just parked, pretty easy to see its lights spinning behind all the trees out there.

CAROLYN: And then the occasional car door opening to put out a disembodied, empty beer bottle. Oh, and the girl who got out with one sneaker and a heeled dress shoe on.

SAM: I take it this wasn't the indoor cinema in town?

CAROLYN: Nope, it was the drive-in. (jovially) I remember that girl calling out, "See! I told you I had the wrong shoes on!" Not sure who she was talking to. Oh, and the train going by, too… Almost forgot about that.

SAM: (chuckling) Nice! Sounds like Drive-In-The-Woods is a happening spot! Well, whenever you're ready. The painting is all packed up and ready for its home.

TONY: Yes, I suppose we'd better head out. I'll have my enjoyment out of this to see Mrs. Muir's relief that we know what she knows.

CAROLYN: Me too. Thank you so much, Mr. Evans for the muffins and coffee, and for your understanding. I hope it all works out.

SAM: I guess we'll see. The Captain may be out fetching reinforcements in case there's more trouble.

TONY: Oh, goodness. He won't be bringing a legion of ghost pals, will he?

SAM: Not that I'm aware of. More like, well, a Ladies Auxiliary, so to speak.

TONY: Very good (ruffle of paper and cloth) I suppose we'll be on our way.

SAM: Thank you, for everything.

CAROLYN: You, too, Mr. Evans.

HECUBUS: And so our romantic duo pack up the painting and head back to Schooner Bay. Our last stop of the program brings us some time later at the Collinwood main house.

ROGER: Afternoon, Liz. Why, that's quite a warm smile you're greeting the fire with. Might I join you?

ELIZABETH: It's your home, too, Roger. I wouldn't mind the company.

ROGER: Thank you. (sits) Well, I hired a young man to fix up the Seaview property. Hopefully Kooky Caleb's ghost won't interfere with his ministrations, if there be a ghost.

ELIZABETH: Ah, who did you find?

ROGER: Tom Jennings, you know. He's been by the cannery a few times. I think his skills at refurbishing are much preferable. Anyway, is there a nice excuse for your contentment today?

ELIZABETH: Just reestablishing some fond memories between lots of odd baggage. It is a blessing to finally have enough peace and quiet around here that I can hear myself think again.

ROGER: (laid back) And a crackling fire. Soothing to me, even now, after all my odd baggage when it comes to that.

ELIZABETH: (laughing hum) Roger, I've invited someone to come and stay a while. Possibly for company while I take a long trip.

ROGER: Oh? All this serenity and you want to leave? And with whom might I ask?

ELIZABETH: Do you remember Lily, Cousin Lily?

ROGER: Lily? Barely. She took care of you on that extended vacation, didn't she? Well, I can hardly lay much claim to that recollection. A sultry creature, if I have any memory of her at all.

ELIZABETH: We're trying to retrace our steps. I'm not exactly sure where it'll lead us, but I do need someone to help recall all the events.

ROGER: Ah! So that's the smile. Must have been a wonderful journey after all. I must say, you seemed so sad that it had ended.

ELIZABETH: I was sad when I came home. It was rather life altering. (sighs) Anyway, if I know Lily, she'll be here faster than either of us can guess.

ROGER: Oh? How can you be so sure?

ELIZABETH: (happy hum) I think… it's well written here… along my life line.

[Munsters Theme by The Comateens, or your favourite version of it]

All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

And of course, Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

The Pit Of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor Production.


I know it's taking a long time. Please review if you're enjoying this. It'll help me work harder and go faster. It really will. Thanks everyone. :) Peace.