Audio version available on podomatic, iTunes/ApplePodcasts/Podbay/archivedotorg, etc.

Special Thanks to friends who voted for the Harry Potter joke.

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows, Episode 19: Happy Hour In Hell

Milligan and Hecubus opening: (My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult "Shock of Point 6")

MILLIGAN: Hello! You either know my name or have jumped into this series randomly for the sake you have no idea what it's about and want to find out and you don't know my name, so? I'm not going to tell you!

HECUBUS: His name is Sir Simon Milligan!

[cheering crowd]

MILLIGAN: Whether that cheer was for me or Manservant Hecubus or both, I'm not sure, but it is just as well our audience is aware of who is in charge!

HECUBUS: Yes, I am ready to serve you, Master, aaaaand slatterns!

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! Who, in our devious audience, isn't ready to serve slatterns?


MILLIGAN: Oh good, only the bugs.

HECUBUS: We hope you have some memory of Episode 18 in which Mister Wells was saved from impending doom, and we met with Chris and Amy Jennings, as well as Endora and Samantha making agreements to investigate our villainous Angelique, in order to lend a hand to the clan of Collinwood.

MILLIGAN: And if you don't remember? Fiddly do to you!

HECUBUS: Of course Carolyn Stoddard still requires some cohesion to her mother leaving to discover the whereabouts of the potential father to her potential half-sister, Victoria Winters, and will require some help in this regard.

MILLIGAN: That should wrap things up enough. And now? Enjoy the overplayed music!

[Usual wave-splashing Dark Shadows opening music]

[wacky flute-like DS opening tune preparing you for hilarious consequences, footsteps, fireplace]

ROGER: Ah, there you are, Kitten. Had you checked the mail?

CAROLYN: No, Uncle Roger.

ROGER: Well, I did. You just received this letter from Schooner Bay. A… Mrs. Carolyn Muir?

CAROLYN: Oh? ( tearing and rustling paper) Oh…

ROGER: Please tell me there is something fun involved.

CAROLYN: Oh… I'm not sure. She wants me to come and see her.

ROGER: Ah, and why not? Your mother abandoned the whole Estate to you, to me and to Cousin Barnabas. The further we deplete the household populous the quieter this place will become.

CAROLYN: Uncle Roger, I'm not sure but it appears that my mother contacted Mrs. Muir prior to her trip.


CAROLYN: Yes. It sounds as if there is more I needed to find out and Mrs. Muir knows about that. (folding paper) I should go and see her.

ROGER: Ah, and why not? What else is there to do around here? The cannery practically runs itself and all the hauntings finally seem to be content.

CAROLYN: Mmm, (sitting down) not what's haunting me, Uncle Roger. I… what if Victoria Winters is my half-sister?

ROGER: Mmmnn, then we can compare your mother's partners to mine. At least hers disappear mysteriously rather than turning out to be some queer, supernatural concoction no one can describe!

CAROLYN: (tut-tutting) Uncle Roger…

ROGER: Oh, I apologize, Carolyn. I'm getting too used to having nothing to do. Well… what if Victoria is your sister, eh? We could bring her back home! And then? We could all tease each other more mercilessly than we did before. Why, I think that would be splendid fun!

CAROLYN: (simpering) Uncle Roger! You… I think you hit the nail right on the head!

ROGER: Of course I did! Rather than have ourselves worry about scandalous notions we could go through The Family History and poke fun at each other with all the frivolity of including her in it!

CAROLYN: (laughing) That WOULD help. But, seriously. Was there ever a time you suspected all this to be true?

ROGER: Not after Victoria was here for a while. When she first arrived, I did. Sadly a lot of those memories are mixed up in the life I lived outside of Collinwood with your Cousin David and Aunt Laura.


ROGER: Yes. I was so wrapped up in my own unhappiness I didn't concern myself much with the whys and wheretofores. At that time I was simply wanting to come home and shelter in this mansion of madness again. Better the Devil you know, and all of that.

CAROLYN: And… when did you decide Victoria was, possibly, your niece, Uncle Roger?

ROGER: Oh,gracious! I'm not even sure who anyone is anymore, Kitten! If Victoria is my niece? Then so be it. In fact... I had this lengthy dream once… Or was it a dream? That we had a niece named Daphne... And I've never been sure whose niece she was either, mine or your mother's… It was so… absolutely surreal, as dreams are apt to be… Jason McGuire played the role of town sheriff… That just about wore out Doctor Hoffman trying to explain why he was the sheriff to your mother.

CAROLYN: Yikes. What else happened in the dream, Uncle Roger?

ROGER: Oh… (wistfully) We all became vampires and killed each other... I was almost disappointed to wake up.

CAROLYN: So it would seem.

ROGER: Well?

CAROLYN: Well, what?

ROGER: Do you need a car to go out to Schooner Bay, Kitten?

CAROLYN: (snickering) Yes, Uncle Roger. I most decidedly do.

HECUBUS: Where do we go from here, Master?

MILLIGAN: We go to The Evans Cottage and eavesdrop on how our reincarnated duPres' come to terms with the knowledge of Chris Jennings returning to Collinsport for the sake of his twin-brother, Tom, falling prey to a vampire, unbeknownst to him, or his sister, Amy. Sam and Maggie are having a discussion about that and how our beloved Witches understand their place in The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows.

MAGGIE: So, Pop? Did he turn out all right?

SAM: Yes! Mr. Wells is fine. He'll keep managing the Collinsport Inn as he always does.

MAGGIE: Very good. I hated to ask you to head over there after all that you had to do with Captain Gregg but—

SAM: (scoffing) Oh, no matter! What else do I have occupying me, anyway? It's you who keep earning the dividends, Maggie.

MAGGIE: All right, now. Everyone is important, Papa. Everyone changes the world. That's what makes it a world.

SAM: (chuckling resignedly) I know, I know. Money isn't everything. Don't mind me, Josette. Old capitalist habits die hard.

MAGGIE: Of course. How was my premonition?

SAM: Your feelings about something awry at the Inn? Definitely. There was some growling up the stairs like a wolf. I kept Mr. Wells from going up to investigate.

MAGGIE: Was it Chris making the noise?

SAM: It could have been. I couldn't get a whole lot out of Mr. Wells on that account, but then again we had more fun reminiscing old times and town gossip.

MAGGIE: Heh! I'm sure he needed it. I'm sure you both did. I just have a feeling Chris is in trouble. It's bad enough with him and Amy losing their brother, Tom.

SAM: Yes, indeed. And when one comes to Collinsport there is so much going on we can't keep the hang in most of it.

MAGGIE: Agreed! Between you and Captain Gregg and then Chris coming to town, I barely have time to square things away between myself and Barnabas.

SAM: And? How is Barnabas?

MAGGIE: He's finally enjoying more time to catch up on his reading!

SAM: Finally. That's the very word for it when it comes to Barnabas. What about Willie?

MAGGIE: After that glare down with Angelique? He's happy to be at some boring Old House upkeep and a bit of penmanship, I'm sure.

SAM: Then there is Wadsworth looking after the both of them.

MAGGIE: Yes. And Wadsworth is looking after them very well. Now, tell me more about the Captain making up with the big Witch.

SAM: (laughing sigh) I rather wish you had been there, Maggie. After enough nudging he was ready to assume some responsibility and face her. And then? The Captain offered to make up for the dance that he refused her one hundred years ago.

MAGGIE: (gratified) Well done, Captain Gregg!

SAM: (equally gratified) And well done it was. Orchestral music just flowed from the air and they danced on up into the clouds until the end. That gave Mrs. Stephens and I time to marvel together and begin a rapport. Rather remarkable, Samantha Stephens is.

MAGGIE: Is she? How so?

SAM: I think… well… you know Angelique, but Mrs Stephens had a completely different set of circumstances she was living in. She had this repose of knowing exactly who she was and what she was about, even if she had to a dance around about it, skirting over the issues of her upbringing to get-along in our realm, you know?

MAGGIE: She chooses for herself, you mean?

SAM: (snaps fingers) That was it! I wasn't sure before, but that is it. Mrs Stephens made a choice to be different, and it grounds her in what she wants. Perhaps that's why her own mother was against the idea of her domestic living conditions. Between the two, they make the choices that manage so well for them.

MAGGIE: I'll bet. Will they help?

SAM: Oh… I'm sure they are working on it as we speak.

HECUBUS: No chemise, Sherlock, as one might say!

MILLIGAN: Hecubus! The saying is… well, the saying is one that isn't usually granted to a T-rating! Where are we going next?

HECUBUS: We are venturing back to The Stephens home in which our two Witches must re-acquaint themselves with the dastardly spell-work of Angelique Bouchard.

MILLIGAN: Hmm! Might be fun!

HECUBUS: No, actually, master, it might be dreadful.

MILLIGAN: For them it is dreadful, Hecubus. Not for us!

[Endora entrance sound effect]

SAMANTHA: Hello, Mother! Excellent timing.

ENDORA: (nonchalant) Surprisingly so…

SAMANTHA: Did you come in to deal with the, erm… tom-witchery?

ENDORA: More or less. I- tell you… Captain Gregg knows the cut of his jib in making amends. A good dance is nothing to be shirked at. He's very correct, too. Angelique needs very clear-cut attention. And after all, *I* need a project.

SAMANTHA: And I don't need one but it gives me plenty to think about while I do the more at-home things here.

ENDORA: Naturally! I had time to ask Bathia about Angelique and all she could propose was, "Get rid of her!"

SAMANTHA: Which isn't an option, Mother.

ENDORA: I know it isn't, but I don't blame Bathia for saying it. We all need to vent our frustration, especially toward those who did us harm. Now! Getting to the heart of the matter with Angelique; we ignored her.

SAMANTHA: True. And that worked for some witches, but not Angelique. So we have to study the problems she caused. Perhaps a classic method could be easier for us in uncovering what happened in between times.

ENDORA: All right. Let's put our heads together and find out what she did… From what I recall… she was more obsessed with a mortal man than you could ever be.

SAMANTHA: (smilingly) A-h! That might work out, wouldn't it?


SAMANTHA: You can take all the irritation you place on my marriage out on Angelique.

ENDORA: (scoffing noise) You make it sound like I have a reserve.

SAMANTHA: (sighs) I won't argue with you, Mother. After so many centuries we can't afford to miss anything. An ultimatum was given to Angelique a l-o-n-g time ago, and, as we found out, it didn't work. Better to get the whole report on her now. Let's take a look-see…

ENDORA: (resigned groan) All right. We'll conjure up a vision of what happened.

SAMANTHA: In all clarity?

ENDORA: Oh, you think purity would pick up that gel's doings? No. I'll put together something smokier. (sighing cough) I think this is going to be the grimmest motion picture I've ever witnessed.

SAMANTHA: I'll be right back … with my needlepoint. I suspect all the time we devote to this will at least help me master that homespun art.

ENDORA: Needlepoint? Hmm! And I'd suggest your inscribed message to be, "Bless our Broken Circle".

[Steps, fumbling of fabric and so forth]

SAMANTHA: All ready, let it loose, Mother.

ENDORA: Very well…

[Noise indicating magical view.]

MILLIGAN: And now, our two Witches take their time in ascertaining my beloved's heartfelt destruction of The Collins Family in the 1790's and beyond. As you can imagine every single moment is a cringe! I am sure they will require some fine tea and a good hookah to calm down from it.

(Robert Colbert's Major Woodwind Worries…)

BOTH WITCHES: (flinching) Oh! Aww! OUCH! Ooooo!

SAMANTHA: This is awful!

ENDORA: I know… Angelique has seriously gotten out of hand! Not that we didn't know…

SAMANTHA: (groaning aghast) Aww… so vicious! This is… like… watching a soap opera! I have got to write this down, it's that much.

ENDORA: Samantha?

SAMANTHA: Mother? Pause the history!

ENDORA: All right, all right.

[shim-shooming noises]

SAMANTHA: Seduction? I'll write that in parenthesis. Now, framing the governess for her own wrongs, then using a voodoo doll on Barnabas Collins.

ENDORA: How antiquated!

SAMANTHA: Yes, but this was years ago, Mother. Then the manipulative spell on the little sister.

ENDORA: Now *that* I simply won't have!

SAMANTHA: Yes, are we thinking of your granddaughter much these days, Mother?

ENDORA: Absolutely.

SAMANTHA: Bribe to cure Sarah if this man marries Angelique.

ENDORA: A love-spell would have been so much easier!

SAMANTHA: Angelique doesn't do easy, Mother.

ENDORA: She certainly doesn't!

SAMANTHA: Now, not the nastiest but the most disgusting: the love-spell she manages to cast on Josette and Barnabas' uncle.

ENDORA: I know how it feels to wake up from one of those before it goes as far as THAT one did! Rollo and his horrible concoctions could take a lesson from Angelique's gross perversions. At least Jeremiah's ghost went and haunted Angelique after he perished.

SAMANTHA: And all the while, she's manipulating this servant, Benjamin Stokes, to do her bidding and get all of these nasty things accomplished.

ENDORA: Poor man, just trying to make a better way for himself in the world. Was there *anything* that Angelique did that was simply mischievous, Samantha?

SAMANTHA: Oh… yes! Turning Barnabas' father, Joshua Collins, into a cat.

ENDORA: FINALLY! If she didn't have a touch of humour I'd call her completely hopeless! What about the man's mother? Naomi Collins?

SAMANTHA: She killed herself after all of this.

ENDORA: List that in the tragedies. And the death of his sister.

SAMANTHA: (pen scribbling) Listed.

ENDORA: Well I feel like a better person through all of this. I can easily say I've scourged one or two romantic flings in my time… but I never turned any into… a vampire! Then gone around endlessly cursing the entire family!

SAMANTHA: And entire is right. She just keeps coming back generation after generation! Oh, and that poor little girl!

ENDORA: Think of it! Here we are in agony just having watched it. They had to go through all of this! I can't say I'd want to stray my attention too much. But this is what I was talking about when I was so worried about your marriage decision. As you can see the bound-to-the-ground types get so caught up in what ought to be total trifles.

SAMANTHA: Oh, Mother, I haven't kept to the ground all the time. But I can see what you mean. What are we going to do?

ENDORA: Do? What can we do, my dearest? Go out there and meet the family she keeps trying to dispose of. (scoffing) Angelique… she does all this for the sake of getting a man who doesn't care for her, which means we have to find a tidy rein on her to seize. Then we can pull her out of the strain she keeps badly stew-boiling. In fact… I'm glad Captain Gregg brought her to our attention. I was getting a little bored.

SAMANTHA: Mmm, and you know what, Mother? That curse is as flimsy as it can get. Anyone who loves Barnabas Collins will automatically die? If that included her too, she couldn't have carried on so far. There are too many contradictions with a curse like that.

ENDORA: Yes, it was too broad. Most mortals die, naturally, so it loses its threat in the mere pronouncement. Whatever she intended wouldn't have worked so, as it turns out, he becomes a vampire, which would be as close as it gets to making sense.

SAMANTHA: She keeps trying with her attempts during modern times. The intention is still there.

ENDORA: Yes, the dream curse, marrying Roger Collins just to get into the house again. That's where we see it start to fall apart on her.

SAMANTHA: True. The Collins started getting better help from outsiders. They were wise to embrace that.

ENDORA: Quite so! The Collins look to be very akin to people we already socialize with, minus the excessive dramatics. It makes sense we were approached, Daughter.

SAMANTHA: Agreed. Now the question is… where is Angelique now?

ENDORA: Oh, I took a look into that fiasco. After their bio-exorcist obliterated her she was flung into the ethers. As of now, I believe she is conjuring a way to get out of it.

SAMANTHA: Oh, good! Let's take a look at that!

ENDORA: Very well!

[more magical noises]

ENDORA: Oh, dear. It doesn't look pretty. That's a great deal of hellacious fire and brimstone…

SAMANTHA: Isn't it?

["The Portal Opens Now" and "Hellbent 69" by Planchet Points To K]

V'ANGELIQUE: Prince of Fire… I call upon the flame to summon you… I call out all the dark creatures of nature to summon me to you… Prince of Fire… Hear me as I call to you… I summon you in the name of the seven plagues… In the name of the charred and blackened stars that reigned at my beginnings… To rise out of the darkness of the Earth… I call you forth! From the mouth of the dragon and of the beast and of the false prophet! I call you forth from the subterranean rivers of blood! From the SMOKE of TORMENT which rises forever and ever! In the name of every evil spirit... EVIL... and obedient only to you... I evoke you. Appear to me now! NOW… No! No, don't destroy me! I must reach you! I evoke you. Appear to me now, now! No, no, don't destroy me! I must reach you! You can't destroy me! … No! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[cliffhanger music, then tingling foom-poof noise, and karaoke version of "Let's Dance" by Bowie]

DIABLOS: Girlfriend?


DIABLOS: You have summoned yourself to me?


DIABLOS: Oh, my dear!? It's HAPPY HOUR!

V'ANGELIQUE: (uncertainly) Is it? I didn't realize! It… enlivens the place, that's for certain.

DIABLOS: Ah-h-! Who brought you to this saddened state of near obliteration, Angelique?

V'ANGELIQUE: He Who Must Not Be Named.

DIABLOS: Who? Voldemort?

V'ANGELIQUE: No! Truly, you can't say his name. If you say it he pops in out of nowhere. (Whispering) Alpha Orionis!

DIABLOS: Oh, say no more! I comprende. Now… you know you are one of my favourite servants.

V'ANGELIQUE: Thank you, Dark Lord.

DIABLOS: Think nothing of it. Who has made such a mockery of you?

V'ANGELIQUE: Nicholas.

DIABLOS: Nicholas?

V'ANGELIQUE: Yes… he has fallen prey to stupefaction.

DIABLOS: (shocked) No!

V'ANGELIQUE: (obliging) Yes!

DIABLOS: Don't contradict me.

V'ANGELIQUE: Then how can I tell you what happened?

DIABLOS: I was being dramatic. You know the rules.

V'ANGELIQUE: To be sure, I do.

[drinks pouring, glasses shifting]

DIABLOS: I've got your favourite for you and mine for me.

V'ANGELIQUE: I thank you.

[glasses clinking in a toast]

DIABLOS: And now! What have you to tell me on Nicholas? What has become of him in his dealings with Collinsport? What brought him down?

V'ANGELIQUE: (sipping) Incompetence.


V'ANGELIQUE: It is true!

DIABLOS: Mmm! I was concerned who was the inferior between you and he anyway. I suppose I'll have to draw him down here… but why now when we were just having our drinks?

V'ANGELIQUE: Well, if you wish to wait, Master.

DIABLOS: No, no! I know well enough the weight of needless ceremony might be excessive that it will take forever anyway.

[snaps fingers, sound echoes]

DIABLOS: That should do it for half an hour, or however long it will take to get Nicky-Boy and his luggage sent down here as we enjoy our drinks... Now, will you tell me the story again?

V'ANGELIQUE: Which one?

DIABLOS: The one I especially like… about… Natalie duPres' lovers.


DIABLOS: Now, don't be shy… I'm not.

HECUBUS: The Underworld and its weight do make for good beverages and eternal volcanic eruptions that we need to cut short. So! We fast-forward to our sticky Nicholas Blair arriving in HELL!

MILLIGAN: And I can't WAIT to see that lizard get his comeuppance!

HECUBUS: (giggling)

["Let's Dance" fades out.]

["The Lozenge" by Planchet Points To K]

NICHOLAS: What's propelling me downward?

DIABLOS: I AM! You… nitwit!

NICHOLAS: Dark Lord!

DIABLOS: That's my title, don't wear it out.

NICHOLAS: Why have you…?

DIABLOS: Hailed you?


DIABLOS: It is due to your utter incompetence at getting anywhere close to grievous toward the human populous of Collinsport.

NICHOLAS: But you don't comprehend the change that's taken over that place.

DIABLOS: Yes, I do! They have wheedled themselves into a sense of… enlightenment.


DIABLOS: Language, Blair, language!

NICHOLAS: Forgive me.

DIABLOS: I do. Now, how do we digest the travesty of you, yourself? What menial tasks might you suggest for yourself?

NICHOLAS: That IS perplexing. Orchestrating a brass band, perhaps?

DIABLOS: Please. Spare me *your* plights of the ridiculous and leave that to my own effusions.

NICHOLAS: Of course.

DIABLOS: And now… what to do with your incompetence.

NICHOLAS: I am keen to guess.

DIABLOS: Try me. Your parlour tricks didn't work up there and I doubt they will work so well down here. You require discipline of a practice that will keep you in-check for our future needs.

NICHOLAS: I could make a good disc jockey.

DIABLOS: Hardly.

NICHOLAS: Steam operator from behind the iron wrought fence?

DIABLOS: Unlikely.

NICHOLAS: I make a mean salad, My Lord.

DIABLOS: And you show your total lack of ability in even being a category selector to your own plight.

NICHOLAS: Then what… will you do with me?

DIABLOS: For allowing Angelique to be disabled to the whims of a bio-exorcist in the mortal realm?


DIABLOS: You will spend a fiery term…


DIABLOS: As a BUS BOY, Nicholas…

NICHOLAS: (horrified beyond belief) Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[crescendo of downfall music, with Milligan and Hecubus cheering…]

MILLIGAN: And so we bring you back to how our beloved Witches are handling this turn of events from a realm they barely believe even exists…

ENDORA: (almost sighing) Mmm…

SAMANTHA: (incredulous with a dash of salt) Mmm-hmm!

ENDORA: I always said those who dabbled in the ideology of absolute evil were surreal.

SAMANTHA: And caked with delusions of grandeur.

ENDORA: More than any of us.

SAMANTHA: Eep. This Blair really believes in all that stuff.

ENDORA: So does Diablos… And, as far as *I* can determine, he's a barrister who somehow became a mere barista, for goodness sake…

SAMANTHA: (sighing with remorse) Can we ever get Angelique out of that?

ENDORA: Oh, we can… but slowly, my dear. She's almost as far gone as those two.

SAMANTHA: Now, we have to determine… Where will she pop up next?

ENDORA: Hmmmmmmm… You know, Samantha… there is something about these Collinsport creatures I'm coming to realize. They tend to do a little dancing through time.

SAMANTHA: Oh! Well that can jumble up all sorts of things. No wonder they manage to have more problems than we do. But seeing into the future is tricky.

ENDORA: Ahh! You've caught on, darling. That's my point. Angelique returns to The Great House again. For her it will be the future, but it will also be in Collinsport's past, which is what we ought to investigate next.

SAMANTHA: By Jingo, Mother, you've got it!

HECUBUS: That is about as nutshell as we can bring our audience to the diabolical trepidation of polite Witches versus impolite ones.

MILLIGAN: Yes! We must attend to them later. Angelique has been so delightfully villainous that it leaves even ME speechless.

HECUBUS: Or heart-throbbed.

MILLIGAN: Zip it, to-maw-to juice! We now find our Carolyn Stoddard driving out to meet with Carolyn Muir in the fascinating perplexity of discovering what odd family secrets Elizabeth Stoddard may have provided Mrs. Muir with in Schooner Bay!

[car noises]

CAROLYN: Oh, what is that turning? Bay Road? … A-ha! A right turn here, that's Gregg Road… I've got it.

GREGG: (echoing) Do you, Miss Stoddard?

CAROLYN: Helping me is one thing, Captain Gregg, but teasing me is another.

GREGG: I promise that I am doing the former, Miss Stoddard.

CAROLYN: Thank you, Captain. I think I know my way. We're all ship shape and Bristol fashion here.

GREGG: Groovy.

[parking car, engine turning off, shutting door, steps, knocking]

MARTHA: Oh! Miss Stoddard, how lovely to see YOU!

CAROLYN: Goodness, Martha! Sounds like I'm a happier outcome than what you were expecting.

MARTHA: Well, you were. I was glad you weren't the landlord. That Claymore might as well be on a network game show for all we care! Please come in.

CAROLYN: Thank you, Martha. Looks like I'm well and welcome at Gull Cottage.

MARTHA: All's well that chastens us to better considerations, Miss Stoddard. I was just about to pick the children up from school. Sometimes they lose their way.

CAROLYN: I did that, myself.

MARTHA: Mrs. Muir is coming down and… I'm off.

[door closing, steps down stairs]

MRS. MUIR: Oh, Carolyn! You're here!

CAROLYN: Yes, I got your letter.

MRS. MUIR: I'm so relieved. Your mother was here to see me.

CAROLYN: Elizabeth Collins Stoddard was here?

MRS. MUIR: Yes, with that cousin… Lily? Was that her name?

CAROLYN: Yes! Yes… that's her.

MRS. MUIR: Yes, she amused Martha in the kitchen, kept her occupied with her own kitchen ideas. Martha was befuddled at first and then extremely amused by her.

CAROLYN: Heh! I can imagine.

MRS. MUIR: Anyway, well, let's get comfortable in the parlour.


CAROLYN: And there is The Captain staring at us.

MRS. MUIR: As he always insists on doing, but not so well if your Sam Evans hadn't cleaned his portrait.

CAROLYN: Obviously. Mrs. Muir, what… how did all this come to be, my stopping by as you asked me?

MRS. MUIR: Well… yes… it's complicated to say the least. It's unusual for me to be involved with such noble born types or those of exemplary class.

CAROLYN: (laughing) The Collins? We're hardly that!

MRS. MUIR: You may not believe so, Carolyn, but, to use a turn of phrase in the lower echelons, it's a matter of money.

[Robert Farnon's "To A Young Lady" bleeds in…]

CAROLYN: (sighs) I suppose it is…

MRS. MUIR: Still… that doesn't change the fact that one mother would confide in another.


MRS. MUIR: Yes, Carolyn. Your mother did approach me about this matter of… I'm not sure what to call it.

CAROLYN: Familial obligation?

MRS. MUIR: I suppose it is. She wanted, most of all, to have you understand her, and for you to know, that she loves you.

CAROLYN: I know. I shouldn't need to be told, but… it's good to be told, I think.

MRS. MUIR: As do I. I haven't the foggiest notion of whom this… Victoria is but what I do know is that, the name comes up a lot in war stories. The name represents Victory and many children in times of war are named after the stance of Victory.

CAROLYN: Are they?

MRS MUIR: Yes. The pattern repeats quite often. And from what I was told, Victoria was a natural name for the young lady who might be your half-sister, as she was conceived during the Second World War.

CAROLYN: (very relieved) Undoubtedly, Mrs Muir. All of this is making so much more sense than I'm used to hearing. What else did my mother discuss with you?

MRS MUIR: Carolyn Stoddard, your mother's demeanor truly stunned me. She holds so much over her worries and her love for Collinwood and for you. It was like having a piece of magic before me, though a little different from The Captain's magic, you understand.

CAROLYN: Really? What else did she say?

MRS MUIR: Oh, I wish I could replay that bold way she has of speaking. She told me, "Mrs. Muir, my daughter has found a certain friendship with you and I hope you won't think it too forward of me to explain my considerations to her. A man attracted me once in my youth and I was simply swept away, not realizing the consequences it would hold for me now."

CAROLYN: (warmly smiling) That sounds like mother.

MRS MUIR: Good. It made me feel that confidences in households which hold less monetary wealth are spared the worry of disclosing pre-martial affairs, even if a particular pre-marital affair means great joy for the two involved.

CAROLYN: So mother did have one? A pre-martial affair?

MRS MUIR: Well! I suppose she did… after so much talk and planning have been made out of it now!

[both laugh with relief]

CAROLYN: That is true, Mrs Muir. But why did she want to tell you about it? Was it simply because you and I are friends now?

MRS MUIR: (smilingly) I suppose she wanted you to be told about it by someone who is a mother… and a mother of two children instead of one.

CAROLYN: (choking up) Mrs. Muir… now that you've told me this? What on Earth do I have to offer you?

MRS. MUIR: (laughingly) Hmm! Miss Stoddard? I think… after all of this… you probably ought to call me Carolyn.

CAROLYN: Very well, Carolyn. (fumbling) I'm not sure I can get used to that.

MRS MUIR: Then use it on occasion, like when you need more emphasis in our talks.

CAROLYN: Now that I can handle.

MRS MUIR: Mmm, that makes sense, what with your mother leaving you the reins on The Great House of Collinwood…


MRS MUIR: Didn't she tell you that? It's what she told me. She had suspicions over your Uncle being in charge so she left specific instructions that you would be allowed the final say on things if she couldn't be reached.

CAROLYN: Mother left me with that?

MRS MUIR: (alarmed) Gracious! If she didn't tell you? I would question it too! I suppose you could confer with your Uncle when you get back home. She left me with enough information but I doubt a lone widow writer in a township would be allowed to convey the passing of the scepter, in so many words, of such a grand estate as Collinwood.

CAROLYN: (giggling jovially) Oh, I don't know!

MILLIGAN: The world of awesome blondes never seems to end!

HECUBUS: Some of us already knew that, Master.

MILLIGAN: As the ocean is ever pervasive and we re-meet with Lily and Elizabeth on their overseas journey, Elizabeth is gearing herself up for another reunion with the ghost of Bill Malloy.

[massive boat and mild ocean noises]

LILY: Oh, I'm getting an indication.


LILY: I believe that ghost you introduced me to last night wants to meet with you again on deck.

ELIZABETH: Bill? I suppose I'd better look for him, then. If only ghosts could make appointments.

LILY: Lizzie, that's what my indication is, of course.

ELIZABETH: (sigh) Then I better pack up my troubles and set forth.

LILY: Not troubles, Lizzie. Hopes. We've come this far.

ELIZABETH: Ah, yes. That's what we all do best in our family: Endure.

LILY: Uh-huh! Endure, AND have fun with it!

ELIZABETH: (giggling) Very good.

[steps, door opening and shutting, ocean waves, walking around…]

BILL: There you are Liz.

ELIZABETH: Yes, Bill. I'm coming to terms… with speaking to those of our … friends… in the afterlife.

BILL: I'm honoured that you can, but with you? I always was honoured when I could spend time with you.

ELIZABETH: (sheepish) Bill, you were fond of me, weren't you?

BILL: Likely so fond you never would credit it to be true.

ELIZABETH: I would now. You were the best man to ever work and care for Collins Enterprises, not to mention our family, too.

BILL: Mmm… happy to find out you knew about me caring. In a way, maybe you always did, but to hear you say it out loud means more.

ELIZABETH: I thought it might.

BILL: Ayuh. (sighing) Now, this fellow you loved in New Brunswick.


BILL: That is why we are all here, Liz.

ELIZABETH: And don't I know it? I was… well… I…

BILL: You were young, Liz. I often suspected something happened but it was only once I reached this… Other Side… that the answers came to me.


BILL: Yes. You met him on that Maritimes Vacation with your cousin, Lily. Somehow the war overseas didn't worry anyone. As we, in the United States, liked to express, "We're staying out of it."

ELIZABETH: Yes, we were, when we hardly could.

BILL: And it was no mystery to me why her name was Victoria.

ELIZABETH: Leslie and I had no qualms about what to name her.

BILL: Ayuh, as her note said, "Her name is Victoria. I cannot take care of her."

ELIZABETH: And I couldn't, Bill.

BILL: I know you couldn't. Still, I saw what you were up against and I want to help you find the answers. We're going to England, aren't we?

ELIZABETH: *We* are.

BILL: It's got a lot of ghosts, that place.

ELIZABETH: More than most, perhaps.

BILL: You'll want a helper, won't you?

ELIZABETH: And a friend? Yes.

BILL: (smilingly) I am both, aren't I, Liz?

ELIZABETH: (sighing) Bill Malloy? What can I tell you? If it wasn't for all of these guidance's and misguidance's, then… my falling for Paul once upon a time? You know who I would have wanted, don't you?

BILL: I'd like to know, Liz. Would you tell me?

ELIZABETH: (softly) You, Bill. I would have chosen you.

BILL: (pausing, sighing, stepping) Liz? Ghosts like me don't sleep so well, usually. But... I think tonight? I will sleep more soundly than I ever have since I died.

ELIZABETH: Good. And Bill? Tomorrow night?

BILL: What?

ELIZABETH: You're going to tell me all about what happened and how you died.

BILL: Oh! Liz! I could tell you that now, I—

ELIZABETH: No, Bill. Tomorrow. There is too much to digest from tonight.

BILL: (exhale) All right, Liz. I'll be here tomorrow night… with the gulls.

MILLIGAN: Ah, as we can see, even when we are away from Collinwood, the supernatural fun and romance continues onward.

HECUBUS: Next we allow our audience some time with Carolyn Stoddard coming home from Schooner Bay for a new encounter with the latest supernatural mysteries of Collinwood.

MILLIGAN: The Great House of Collinwood stands in majestic isolation under the brightness of a full moon, but none who live at Collinwood know that on this night the full moon will mean something it has never meant before, it is the sign of a new and terrifying e-v-i-l that prowls the woods of the Collins Estate in search of a victim.

HECUBUS: And that victim is?

MILLIGAN: (flailingly) Oh? WHO CARES?

HECUBUS: Something distracts our Miss Stoddard further into the woods, in which she discovers more to be concerned about!

[rustling nature sounds]

CAROLYN: Hello? IS someone there? Is someone following me? Who is it?


CAROLYN: No! Don't come near me! No! No! Ahhhhh!

AMY: Peek-a-boo! I see you!

CAROLYN: What on Earth was that?

AMY: An animal, a big animal. Then it left when it saw me.

CAROLYN: (catching her breath) That stands to reason. Your "boo" is pretty effective.

AMY: True… You don't have to be afraid anymore. It's gone now.

CAROLYN: Well it ran away when it saw you. Who are you?

AMY: My name is Amy Jennings.

MILLIGAN: (sighs) Score another "My Name Is", Hecubus.

HECUBUS: [scribbling] Got it, Master!

AMY: Do you live around here?

CAROLYN: Yes, at Collinwood.

AMY: The big house by the water? Oh, it's very pretty. I wish I lived there.

CAROLYN: Do you? Why, you're Chris' sister aren't you?

AMY: Yes.

CAROYN: All right then! We should go back, Amy… and, who knows? Your wish might come true. Take my hand and we'll go back together.

AMY: (happily) Okay!

[tramping, growling. Door noises, DS cliff hanger music, "Electric Moon" by Claudine]

All Due Respect To:

The Kids In The Hall

Bewitched (1960's TV Show)

Harry Potter series (for the Voldemort reference)

The Munsters (1960's TV show)

The Ghost And Mrs. Muir (1960's TV show)

"House of Dark Shadows" (1970's movie)

And, of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV show)

A/N: Let me know what you liked! Thanks.