"So tell me again, Hermione. What did he say to you?"
Hermione continued scribbling on the roll of parchment beneath her nose, refusing to dignify her co-worker and close friend's question until her sentence was finished.
"I've already told you three times," she grumbled, almost stabbing a hole into the letter with her quill as she hastily dotted a full stop on the end. "How many more times do I need to repeat myself? And don't you have your own work to finish?"
"You know I never finish my work on a Friday," Mina murmured as if this was something normal. She leaned her hip into the corner of Hermione's desk while holding up her freshly blue varnished nails to blow on them. "Now stop pissing about and tell me!"
"You'd better not let Kingsley hear you say that," Hermione warned. "And will you get away from my desk? That stuff is giving me a headache."
"I'll move only if you tell me."
Hermione narrowed her eyes, and then paused to look around the office.
"Don't even try it, Hermione. You know full well that you and I are the only two idiots still here, mostly because everyone's gone off to start their weekend!" Mina whined. "Now quit your stalling and spill!"
"I hate you, do you know that?"
"Just so you know, words like that sting less and less if you repeat them all the time," Mina chortled, but she did move back to her desk, hopping up to sit on its edge. "I'm waiting."
"Fine, you annoying little...that idiot told me, and I quote 'Fuck me, you've got a gorgeous mouth. Can you suck me off like you love me and let me come in your mouth'. And he spelled come c-u-m, and used the letter 'u' for you. If you're going to talk dirty and insult me at the same time, at least have the courtesy to spell properly."
By that time, Mina had begun laughing hysterically, becoming so excited that she fell off her desk and had to flail to catch herself.
"Shit!" she swore when her wet nails accidentally touched her face, leaving behind a large bright blue smudge. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry to laugh at you, but that is too funny!"
"I wish that nail varnish were permanent," Hermione groused, watching as Mina furiously wiped at her cheek with two fingers. "Well I'm glad to have amused you, even though the entire thing was and remains your fault."
"Hermione—" Mina began, pausing to use the heel of her palm to carefully move various things strewn about her desk. Finally finding her wand, she aimed it at her face and then nails before she continued speaking. "I told you—don't post a picture of yourself. It only makes the creeps, pervs, and paedophiles come out to play. But did you listen to me? Noo."
"But you've had one up of yourself!" Hermione spluttered. "And besides, it's not like you could see my entire face; most of it was hidden!"
"Yeah, hidden and leaving those gorgeous cock sucking lips exposed for all the dirty world to see. Anyway, I know how to handle the perverts. You give them the old 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' bit and then send them a picture of some random bloke's stiff prick. Believe me, you'll nearly be able to hear them through the computer screen, screaming and running away in abject terror."
There was another long pause before Hermione asked, "You keep pictures of random penises on your computer?"
"Yess," Mina drew out, as if there was nothing strange about it. "But if you don't want to use a stranger's, well, you've got that old ginger boyfriend, haven't you? Tell him to drop trou and whip out your camera!"
"I have no intentions of ever seeing Ron's dangly bits again. And I know there's being straightforward but, my god, that idiot was as subtle as a bludger to the head. Never mind that we had never spoken so much as two words to one another before. Don't people usually begin conversations with 'hello' before talking about their genitals becoming intimately acquainted with your mouth?"
"Some of them do. But then again, the one I'm talking to now... his first message to me was 'how big are your nipples?' And we've been seeing each other for six months. Speaking of which, I wish you'd hurry the hell up so we can get out of here. David and I made dinner plans and I'd like to get one in before our date."