Disclaimer: I'm not really Luna, and I don't own Slayers. Vultures -- excuse me, lawyers -- leave me alone.

Fair Warning: If you are particularly rabid about coupledom in any way, shape, or form, I suggest that you stop reading right here. By continuing past the nice bold text, you are implicitly acknowledging that you accept the risk that you might be offended by the humor contained herein. (Translation: I make fun and you might not like it.) In all fairness, I like ALL of the Slayers characters, yes, even the much-maligned Amelia and Sylphiel, so all is meant in good fun -- mostly Lina's fun. Don't make me point out the obvious fact that the out-of-character part is out-of-character for a reason!

Review if you want, but if you flame me, I'm going to point at the nice bold warning and laugh. Really hard. For a week.

Farewell, My Animated Statue
Lina writes a parting letter to her most beloved... and if you believe that line, you'll believe anything.
By Luna, Waitress of Doom

Dearest Zelgadis,

I am in tears as I write you this letter. I will miss you so, dearest, but you must understand that we must part. As you relentlessly seek your cure, I must find my fortune so that I may eat another day. I will think of you constantly while we are apart, the way the moonlight plays on your stainless steel hair, how your rock skin looks so wet after you have been thrown into a lake, how you so cutely blush at the slightest off-color comment... I care for you so much, and I know you feel the same by the way that you get annoyed when I instigate battles at the dinner table, and your utter disregard for all the times that I've risked life and limb for something completely senseless, and need I mention how much you show you care about me when you run off at every opportunity to search for your cure? I know you care for me infinitely more than you do your favorite white coffee mug or even your dream to be human again! I want you to know that I will dream of you with your new soft pink skin with its conspicuous lack of rocks every night until we meet again...

By the way, Zel, anything you want Gourry and me to pick up from Filia's store? We plan on stopping by there on our post-impromptu marriage world tour. Anything at all? Tea? Pottery? Heavy artillery?

Oh, did I mention that those were tears of laughter as I imagine the look on your face when you read this? Somebody's gonna have to invent a new shade of red for that one! How about 'chimera crimson'? Hahahaha!

See ya,

Dear Miss Lina,

How dare you! That wasn't very nice! You should know better than to play such cruel-hearted jokes on your friends! Have you been hanging around Mr. Xellos too much? Huh? You should be ashamed! Mr. Zelgadis would be telling you himself how ashamed you should be of yourself except that he looked way too angry to write back before he passed out in shock, so I'm doing it for him!

With much dismay,

P.S. Mr. Zelgadis just woke up and said... a whole bunch of things that I am not going to repeat. I think he's going to be mad for a while. Say hi to Filia for me!

Somewhere between the ground and the Astral Plane, Xellos laughed himself right out of his tree.