AU. The title says it all. I've seen quite a few of these and I thought I'd mess around with the concept. None of these characters belong to me.

"Come on, babe. No one can refuse the QB!"

The short figure slammed her locker short before fixing the goofy quarterback with a pointed glare.

"Kevin, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not interested."

He leaned in close, ensuring her personal space was nonexistent, "Aw, babe. All the chicks love the QB..."

"KEVY!" a high-pitched squeal rang through the halls.

Kevin gulped before backing away. Before he could even make it a few feet, his path was blocked by a perky blonde cheerleader. She stared him down, freezing him in his spot, before fixing her eyes on the other girl. She was small and thin with very discernible 'assets'. Brittany was sure she had her beat in that department, however, the girl was naturally beautiful. She was most envious of the girl's long auburn hair. It was never styled yet it held more shine and body than her own. She wasn't a fan of this girl and she did NOT want her around Kevin.

"Kevy...Daria..."

Daria barely glanced in her direction, "Brittany. Please try to keep your dog on a leash. Or invest in a shock collar."

Brittany's face twisted into a scowl, "My Kevy is no dog you...you...slut!"

Daria rolled her eyes before executing an exaggerated yawn, "Listen, I have better things to do than your boyfriend."

She smirked as Brittany's face turned an even darker shade of red. She turned around and started to walk away before the cheerleader could offer a rebuttal. Just another normal day at Lawndale High.


Daria watched as her friend moved her paintbrush across the blank canvas, creating a series of thin red spirals.

"No casualties today?"

Daria leaned back against Jane's pillow as she went through the TV channels, "Almost. But I don't think my boots could leave a dent in Kevin's thick skull."

Jane laughed, "You have to give the guy credit. At least he's persistent."

"Persistent irritation. Just what I need to get through the day."

"You can't blame him. What with your stretchy t-shirts and all" Jane pointed her paintbrush at her friend's green shirt.

Daria instinctively crossed her arms over her chest and tried to hide her face with her hair, "There's nothing wrong with it. It's just a t-shirt!"

"I'm only saying, amiga. You can't pretend you don't know."

"I'm not pretending. I just don't like to draw any MORE attention. I guess that approach isn't working either..."

Jane grinned, "If I were you, I'd use that to my advantage. Think about it, you could overtake Quinn."

Daria shuddered, "No thanks. She hates me enough as it is. If I started encroaching on her territory, she'd probably try to have me excommunicated."

"Yikes. I take it she isn't too fond of your...uh..." Jane struggled to find appropriate words.

"She hates that she'll always be "cute" and never "hot". It also doesn't help that my grades are consistently better than hers. She can't even hold that over my head."

Jane feigned sadness, "All the beauty and the brains? How selfish of you."

"Nobody ever said she wasn't pretty" she shrugged, "She just always has to one-up me. She wants to be the prettiest and the smartest and the most popular. I had to let her have something."

"Ah ha. So that's why you're friends with me."

Daria rolled her eyes, "Shut up and paint."

Jane moved to return to her canvas when there was a small knock on the door. She laid down her paintbrush and pulled it open to reveal her brother. Trent was only dressed in a pair of black boxer shorts decorated with red flames. He held an empty milk jug in his hand.

"Janey, we're out of milk."

Jane tried to contain her laughter once she saw how flushed Daria was.

"Trent, there are these things called clothes..."

He scratched his bare chest, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Finally, he noticed Daria was in the room.

"Oh, sorry. Hey, Daria."

She mumbled a barely audible, "hey" and tried not to stare.

Jane watched the exchange with mild amusement. Out of all the guys in Lawndale, Daria was attracted to her older brother. It provided Jane with the perfect leverage in any argument and it always rendered Daria speechless. It was her ace and she exploited it whenever she could.

"Uh...the milk."

Jane took the empty container from his hand and set the jug on her nightstand, "You'll just have to cease your dairy intake until we get some more."

"Right. Thanks. See ya, Daria." He exited the room and made his way down the hall to his own bedroom.

Daria's cheeks were bright pink, "...yeah...see ya..."

Jane closed the door behind him and fixed Daria with a devilish grin, "So, when are you finally going to abandon your morals and seduce him?"

Daria placed her head in her hands, "I hate you."


"Could you at least try to cover up?"

Daria lifted her eyes from the page she was reading and stared at her red-haired younger sister.

"What?"

Quinn nibbled on a celery stick and rolled her eyes, "I mean really."

Daria looked down at what she was wearing: a plain black tank top and a pair of blue jeans. Nothing spectacular and certainly not something worthy of changing (at least she believed so).

"Quinn, I'm reading."

Quinn huffed, "Daria, you are NOT going to the boardwalk in that shirt."

"Would you rather me wear a bikini?" she sniffed.

Quinn's eyes widened, "NO. N-O. It's bad enough all the guys at school are always asking me about you. I don't need you ruining my chances with cute surfers."

Daria laid down her book and twirled a strand of hair around her pinky, "Like maybe they'll show me some of those cool tricks and take me for a ride in their Jeep. Gee, you're predictable."

"Shut up! At least guys actually want to talk to me unlike you."

Daria scoffed, "Excuse me? We both know who's most likely found in the backseat of cars and it's NOT me."

Quinn scowled before angrily swirling a carrot stick in hummus, "For your information, I don't even slow dance until after the fifth date."

"The same rules apply to me. Don't make generalized assumptions based on something you don't even know."

Quinn stifled a laugh, "The whole school knows."

"The whole school knows what?"

"...About what happened under the bleachers..."

Daria could feel her irritation slowly starting to increase, "Spit it out, Quinn."

She sighed, "Let's just say you've spent some time on your knees with a certain quarterback and you weren't practicing drills."

Daria nearly choked, "You're kidding?"
Quinn shook her head, "Nope. At least that's what he told the whole football team. And of course I heard from Sandi who heard it from Brandy who..."

"Spare me the details of the rumor mill. Why the hell haven't I heard anything about this?"

"Probably because it's Saturday and the news just got out yesterday. You'll be the talk of the school come Monday."

"That didn't happen" she shook her head, "That would never happen."

Quinn stood up to place her plate in the sink, "Maybe so but its Kevin's word against yours."

"You're not telling me YOU believe this?"
Quinn turned towards Daria, "I don't believe anything. That doesn't mean the rest of them won't."

Daria stared down at her hands as she mulled over this new information. She was going to murder Kevin.


Jane held a hand over her mouth in an attempt to muffle her laughter. Her friend's over exaggerated sultry tone was too much for her to handle. Daria pressed a hand over the telephone receiver and held back laughter of her own.

"Shh! You're going to break my concentration."

Jane mimed zipping her lips shut and Daria returned to her phone call.

"Yes? Kevin? It's Daria. I heard all those things you were saying about me. I was just wondering if you wanted them to be true."

Jane's eyes were watering but she didn't let a laugh escape her lips. Daria smiled as she watched her friend.

"Of course, Kevin. We can do whatever you want. You are the QB."

Daria almost gagged at her last line. Think of the end result, Morgendorffer. He'll be crying for weeks.

"Great. Let's meet behind the bleachers after school. I'll be waiting."

She quickly hung up the phone and both her and Jane doubled over.

"Oh my god, that was amazing. Have you done this before?"

Daria shook her head, "No. But guys are predictable. It's not difficult to figure out what they want to hear."

"You still haven't let me in on this master plan of yours."

Daria smirked, "Oh, you'll see soon enough."


Kevin Thompson was standing in the spot he was supposed to...at least he thought so. He wasn't entirely sure, the minor details were fuzzy. What he did know was that his charm finally worked. He knew it was only a matter of time, none of the girls could resist him. He was practically the king of Lawndale High. Nobody could do better than the QB. He brushed off the front of his yellow jersey and looked through the gaps in the bleachers. He could see the field and part of the goal posts but nothing else. He had no idea how long he had been waiting but it was slowly getting darker. He scratched his head thoughtfully. She did say the bleachers...or maybe it was the tennis court?

"Hi Kevin."

He turned around, expecting to see one girl but coming face to face with another. It was Theresa, a member of the varsity cheerleaders. Now, he was definitely confused. He could've sworn it was Daria that called. It HAD to be her because she knew about all that stuff he told the other guys on the team. Theresa wasn't even part of the story. He was puzzled but not upset. Theresa wasn't a bad substitute, even though he'd tested those waters a long time ago.

"Are you just going to stand there? This was your idea!"

He ran a hand over the back of his head, "Huh? No, it was YOUR idea. I mean...it was someone's idea. I mean..."

She rolled her eyes, "Don't think too hard. Your hair might catch on fire."

"Don't be silly. There's no fire around here." He chuckled.

Theresa opened her mouth but another voice permeated the air. Kevin instinctively gulped and gazed around. It was a voice he knew well, one he'd come to both love and fear. She was standing between him and Theresa before he even got a chance to reorient himself. Her icy blue eyes were narrowed into thin slits and her hands were resting on her hips. Theresa looked as baffled as Kevin did.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, HM?!"

"I...but...she...the phone...I..." he stammered.

She grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him towards her, "I have had it up to here with you, Kevy! I'm lucky someone was kind enough to tell me all about your little plan!"

"But babe-"

"Don't you 'babe' me! I'm no idiot!"

He was too nervous to think of anything else to say. He had no idea what was going on anymore. Theresa quickly made her escape while Brittany was focused on her first target. She mouthed 'call me' before rushing off. Kevin started to smile but a swift kick to the groin remedied that expression. He doubled over in pain while Brittany leered over him.

"DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE, MISTER?! I've had it! We're finished!"

He slowly scrambled to stand, "Aw, babe!"
She turned her nose in the air and stomped off. He limped after her as fast as his condition would allow.

"BABE! Wait up!"

Two unseen figures stood a few feet away from the scene, each wearing matching bemused expressions.

"Please tell me you got that." Daria turned to Jane who was holding up a video camera.

"Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss that for the world."

Daria watched as Kevin and Brittany disappeared across the field with a renewed sense of assurance. For the time being, she managed to get Kevin AND Brittany off her back. The revenge part was just a bonus. It had been easy enough to trick Theresa, she was almost as dumb as Kevin was. The hard part had been sending Brittany the anonymous tip. Luckily, Quinn wasn't too particular about where she kept her address book. Daria found her phone number within minutes and Jane handled the rest. Brittany didn't take much convincing. Kevin's infidelity was common news to the majority of Lawndale High and Brittany herself was included in that faction. Kevin's humiliation was recorded on tape for her to watch at her leisure. Satisfaction was very sweet indeed.


"So, what's your name?"

Daria glared at the tattooed stranger that decided to stand next to her.

"Not interested."

He leaned in closer so she got a nice whiff of cigarette breath, "Come on, don't be like that."

"I'll give you five seconds to get the hell away from me."

"What's going on here?" Jane returned from her trip to the restroom.

"This guy apparently never learned that 'no means no'."

Jane draped an arm around Daria's shoulder before addressing the stranger, "Hey, she's seventeen."

All the color drained from his face, "Uh...it's cool. I..uh..."

He let his sentence trail off before he made a beeline towards the bar. Daria gave Jane her typical half-smile.

"It was almost DEFCON one."

"Really? I should've waited, I don't think you've ever gotten past level four."

Daria returned her attention to the stage but Mystik Spiral was already replaced by another band. She gazed around the crowded club but she still couldn't find anyone familiar.

"Where did they go?"

"Looking for someone in particular?" Jane smirked.

Daria tried to look indignant but the redness of her cheeks made her look like a wounded puppy, "NO."

"Are you sure? Because he's walking this way."

Sure enough, Trent was weeding his way through the crowd and heading straight in their direction. Daria could feel goosebumps on the back of her neck. He's just another stupid guy. That's all. The way her heart was threatening to burst out of her chest told a different story. Trent approached them, his dark eyes glancing at Jane and then at Daria.

"Hey Janey, Daria."

Daria could only utter a whispered, "Hi."

Jane elbowed her which only caused her face to redden more. Trent seemed oblivious to the exchange.

"How'd you like the set?"

It took Daria a moment to realize he was asking her specifically. It took everything she had not to bolt for the exit. Would you like me to tell you before or after my ears have stopped bleeding? "...It was good."

Jane shot her an incredulous look which she tried to ignore. She knew that Jane was wondering the same thing that she was: why didn't you say what you really meant? Daria was actually nervous about upsetting Trent, a feeling that she never had before. She was afraid that he wouldn't appreciate her sarcastic commentary as much as Jane. It pained her to admit it but she wanted him to like her. After all the times she spent trying to get guys to leave her alone. Now, she actually wanted one around.

Trent ran a hand over his chin, "Yeah. We played everything in a new key. Ya know, for a change."

So that's why I kept thinking about a dying cat, "...Cool."

A smile was playing on the corner of Jane's mouth but whatever she was thinking, she kept it to herself.

"Me and the guys are heading to Cluster Burger, if you two want to come."
Daria started to protest but Jane talked over her, "Of course. Daria was just talking about how hungry she was."

Jane smiled as Daria gave her a glare that could kill.

"Cool. They're outside loading The Tank."

Daria hid her discomfort. She hated that van. There were no seats and she always ended up crammed between an amp with Jane's elbow digging into her ribs. Not to mention the fact that there was almost always moldy food or crushed soda cans. Trent led the way towards the front of The Zon and Daria reluctantly followed. Jane wasn't far behind and she made sure she always had a clear view of her best friend. These were the only times she could tease her; it was hilarious to see her so flustered.

The Tank was already waiting with the backdoor wide open. Jesse was fast asleep in the back with his head resting against the opposite door. Daria failed to understand how he could wear a leather vest with no shirt in the middle of November. If he was going for a rock star look, she couldn't see it. Jane climbed in first and scoped out the area before motioning for Daria to enter. She clambered into the back and slammed the door shut. She checked the ground before she sat down. She would never forget the time she sat on a moldy sandwich and ruined her only decent pair of jeans. With the cost clear, she sat down, leaning her back against an oversized amp. Trent slid into the driver's seat and started the car. The sound of a poorly recorded metal CD blared through the speakers.

"He's got the right idea." Jane pointed towards Jesse.

"There's no way I could sleep in here."

"Even if Trent was there?"

Daria frowned, "Have I told you how much I hate you?"

Jane shifted away from a guitar case, "A few times."

"Yeah, well, the statement still rings true."


Cluster Burger was especially crowded this late in the evening. Daria would rather be home reheating a piece of lasagna. She'd filled her quota on human interaction for the evening. Unfortunately, it was too late to leave and she couldn't stay in the van. Unless she wanted to listen to Jesse's unbearable snoring. Instead, she was sitting in a booth with Jane, trying to ignore the stares of a group of guys sitting in front of them. Trent, Nick, and Max were ordering so she had a clear view of them. She was used to it happening whenever she was out in public but it didn't make it any less irritating.

"This jumbo burger better be as delicious as you claim."

Jane continued to arrange toothpicks into a large square, "I promise, this will all be worth it. Plus, Trent will be a witness. You should be excited."

Daria sighed, "You know, this wouldn't be so funny if I actually did half the things you suggested."
Jane raised an eyebrow, "Please, you can't even joke around with Trent. Face it, amiga. You don't have the guts."
"Oh? You don't think I have the guts?"

Jane laughed, "No offense but you're all bark and no bite. Like a Chihuahua."

"You're calling me a Chihuahua?" she scoffed.

The musicians returned to the table, each carrying a tray loaded with fries, burgers, and drinks. Daria sat up straighter and turned towards Trent.

"Would you mind sitting next to me?"

Jane regarded her friend quizzically but she moved to the other side of the booth next to Max. Trent took Jane's old seat without question, handing Daria her portion of the food. Jane was watching her friend closely. She had no idea what she had up her sleeve.

The next few minutes passed by in silence as everyone dug into their meals. Jane suspected that Daria's little plan would never be put into action. I should've made a bet on this.

There was a sudden splash and half the table was covered in crushed ice and coke. The majority of the beverage ended up in Trent's lap. Daria clamped her hands over her mouth and her eyes widened.

"I'm so sorry!"

Trent barely seemed fazed, "It's cool. I needed to wash these jeans anyway."

Daria quickly grabbed a handful of napkins, "No, I've got it!"

It was then that Jane realized she certainly would've lost this bet.

Daria was leaning forward, ensuring that Trent had a clear view of her chest. She used the napkins to soak up most of the mess but she let her hand linger near his thigh. Jane watched the exchange with her mouth dropped open. For the first time, Trent was the one that was flushed. He opened and closed his mouth several times but he never uttered a word.

"God, I'm so clumsy. I hope I can make this up to you."

Trent cleared his throat, "...I have to use the bathroom."

He rushed off towards the men's room leaving the others at the table. Daria smirked at Jane before standing up herself.

"I'll be outside."

Daria exited the fast food restaurant and it didn't take long for Jane to catch up to her.

"How?!"

"What?"
"How did you do that?! One minute you're tongue-tied and the next you're practically sitting in his lap?!" Jane was almost screaming.
Daria shrugged, "I've said it before: guys are predictable. I just happen to be a decent actress."

Jane leaned back against the side of the building, "My poor, innocent brother."

"Innocent my ass. I just thoroughly embarrassed myself to prove a point. I think I'm the poor soul."

Jane laughed, "Hey, at least now you know he's interested."

"Still think I'm all bark and no bite?" Daria glanced over at her.

"You're definitely a bit of both."