AN: I'm working on chapter 14 of Ranger's Rangers, but I had PMS and I needed to write…this. It's tragic and sad, but I didn't want any of my hormonal misery to spill over onto my two favorite love birds. So this is what came out when I sat down to write. Also, this is the prologue for a future story…it's not as bad as it seems. If you're anything like me you might need a tissue…I needed a few when I wrote it.
Did I ever tell you how much it hurts when I think about you? I know I should be proud of who you were, of your bravery, of your sacrifice for your country. But sitting here looking at the folded flag on the mantle, I feel it all over again. We'd only been married a month when you were deployed. I didn't even know yet that we'd managed to get pregnant. It must have happened right after our little wedding. They never told me much about the incident, all I know is that you and your team were rescuing hostages in some tiny village in the mountains of Afghanistan. When that fire broke out you made sure that everyone was out of the building before it collapsed. You saved 57 people that day. But I'm so fucking angry with you for not keeping your promise to me. You didn't come home. YOU DIDNT COME HOME!
Your son looks so like you. It kills me to look at him sometimes. He has your exact smile, dimples and all. He's one today and I'm supposed to be getting ready for his birthday party. But all I can do is sit here writing this letter to you. You're never going to see it though are you?
Sometimes at night, I lay in our bed in that space between waking and sleeping, I swear I can feel you or hear your voice. But when I open my eyes you're not there. I usually wear one of your old shirts, but they don't smell like you anymore.
I miss you so fucking much.
I wrote down every tiny little thing about carrying and giving birth to our little boy. You're mom took pictures the entire time in the delivery room and in every one of me and later of me and him there's this little ball of light next to us. Where you there? Did you see it all? You hadn't been allowed contact with anyone during your mission, you didn't even know about him before it happened.
He's the only thing that keeps me going. He's perfect, all chubby cheeks and legs and so big for his age. He hardly ever cries, he smiles all the time. He's started walking already, and he's got so many words. Our moms fuss over him like you wouldn't believe. He's already got enough clothes and toys to last until he's at least five. I've got them all boxed up and ready to pull out for when he's big enough. I framed your Medal of Honor and hung it on the wall behind the rocker in the nursery. He looks at it over my shoulder when I'm nursing him. I can't look at it though, it just reminds me of what's been taken away from us. I'm so fucking bitter. I know I shouldn't have been so blindsided by this, we knew that it was always a possibility, but I was.
Did you know they sent two of your squad mates to tell me? I knew why they were there as soon as I opened the door. It was so fucking bad. They were wearing their dress blues and I flashed back to our wedding. Walking down the aisle towards you in that same beautiful uniform. I remembered how giddy I was and how you looked happier than I'd ever seen you, the way you kissed me after the priest said we were married.
When they said those awful words I remember rubbing my little baby bump and thinking that it all had to be a mistake, that there was no way we could go from the euphoria of a few months ago, to this…utter desolation just like that. The two marines looked at my hand on my stomach and must have known. I got so angry with them for knowing about our baby before you that I screamed at them to leave. I slammed the door in their faces as they tried to tell me about bereavement services. I didn't care. All I knew was that you were gone, that the promise you made the night before you left was broken. We'd been so desperate for each other that night, like we couldn't get close enough. Maybe you knew, maybe that promise was to yourself as much as it was to me.
They told your mom as well that day, she hasn't recovered either, the baby helps her too though. She's brought me so many pictures of you when you were a little. She can't get over the resemblance either.
My mom and dad showed up for dinner on that awful day, to find me still sitting at the bottom of the stairs. I felt like I couldn't breathe, couldn't cry, couldn't speak. The next few weeks were really, really bad. I'd wake up in the morning and think 'he'll be home soon' and then I'd remember, and I would cry. Our families and friends were always with me, but I'd never felt so alone before.
I don't know why today, a day of celebration of the life we created, has me so sad. I should be happy that I have this amazing little boy in my life, not wallowing in this overwhelming grief. When will it end? When will I get to a place when I don't think about you all the time? When will this hole in my chest heal up?
I miss you,
I love you,
AN 2:umm…so yeah, it's not as bad as it seems okay? Keep that in mind.