Chaotic Evil Part 4. Trouble Arrives By the Jester of Doom

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any Ranma or Hellsing characters. They were made by someone else. As such I deny any responsibility should they in any way injure you.

A.N. Japanese will be inside dashes -Like this- and telepathy will be #Like this# because ffnet is not letting me use any brackets or anything.

"What the hell!" Ranma yelled as he sidestepped a vertical attack with a bamboo umbrella that ripped up the sidewalk where he had been standing. He hadn't expected the small green-haired girl to be nearly that strong.

-I'LL KILL YOU!- Ryoga screamed and launched a series of five more vicious attacks at Ranma. His attacks were all easily dodged, rage made him easy to predict.

"What did I do!" Ranma leapt back from his enraged 'date'; he hoped it wasn't because he was THAT bad at kissing. Wait no, that couldn't be it. Probably something to do with Alucard. That tended to be a pretty safe bet, especially since he could hear the jerk laughing. He caught that he had been speaking English and repeated himself in Japanese.

-YOU MADE MY LIFE HELL!- Came his answer followed by the umbrella as it flew at him like a top. Ranma dodged it and it flew through the wall of the building across the street from Hellsing. This alerted several guards but Alucard 'encouraged' them to take a nap until the fight was over.

-YOU'RE THE REASON I'M CURSED!- This time his statement was accentuated by a dozen razor sharp bandanas. Ranma was forced to drop to the street and roll to avoid them all. As he started to stand back up he heard a fire hydrant burst and several light poles topple behind him.

-AND NOW YOU'VE STOLEN MY FIRST KISS!- The umbrella came back out another building's wall without seeming to have been impaired in its flight in the least. Ryoga started a charge and caught his weapon three strides from Ranma to launch a series of jabs that Ranma would have been hard pressed to dodge as a human. With his current speed however it was nothing too difficult.

-WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!- Ranma demanded as he bent around his enemy's attacks. Then, to give himself some space, he delivered a hard openhanded blow to his assailants' stomach to drive her back. It just gave Ryoga room to launch another dozen headbands which Ranma once again had to drop to avoid and then spring back up quickly as the ground where his head had been depressed several feet when an umbrella struck it.

-SHUT UP AND DIE!- Ryoga yelled as he continued his assault. Even as he settled into a defensive stance again he was forced to the side by another toss of the umbrella then back as a pair of headbands almost took off his head. By this point Ranma himself was getting a bit angry he was used to being attacked and he would be willing to let a lot in the way of trying to kill him slide since he obviously didn't have much to worry about from some strange girl but trying to cut his head of was going a little far.

What to do about the situation was something he still wasn't sure on however. Training was one thing but he didn't want to fight a girl, especially not with the trouble that had gotten him into last time he tried, stupid amazons. The only other option really was to run. He didn't want to do something that cowardly, he was supposed to do whatever it took to keep a low profile though. His thoughts were interrupted as he dodged the return of Ryoga's umbrella after it crashed back out of another building.

Deciding that waiting and thinking about it only would only mean more destruction Ranma jumped onto the two story building his opponents umbrella had just decimated, grabbed what power he had regained from his earlier meal, and sank through the roof. Ryoga only took a minute to chase onto the top of the building but had already lost his opponent. Choosing randomly he set off to the north after Ranma.

Ranma sighed with relief as he heard the girl run and jump off the roof going the wrong way. He hadn't expected that to work nearly so well, most people probably would have looked for him a bit more. Not questioning his luck though he phased through the floor again to the first floor of the store and took in the carnage his opponents attacks had caused. He wasn't sure how bad most people would consider the damage but he would probably have to avoid Integral for a day or two if he wanted to keep his skin. Really this had to be Alucard's fault somehow; it just felt like something he would try to pull.


"...seems mostly random. Unfortunately without witnesses, what could have destroyed the shops, part of the street, and left deep cuts through metal and stone is still unknown. Police say there is…" Genma paused in the process of stuffing the display portable TV into his shirt as he saw the news footage. It was obviously the signs of a fight. The buildings looked as though they had gotten in the way of a brawl between real martial artists and the street's potholes looked to be caused hard impacts. And unless someone very skilled was using a katana here in London those cuts almost had to have come from the neko-ken, not much else cuts that cleanly through metal.

Genma smiled as he turned off the TV and put it in his shirt. Now all he had to do is steal a newspaper to find out where exactly that fight had occurred and a ball of sting as a distraction. Soon he'd have his disobedient son back under his control.


The next night found Ranma, back in his usual clothing, sitting and watching as Celas failed horribly at meditation. What he needed was to find the nearest cold waterfall. He really didn't get why Celas wasn't getting the hang of this like she did all her other exercises. Every few minutes though he would catch her glancing at him. He'd have given up on it by now but most of their other exercises would take them off the roof and that was the only place he was sure he wouldn't accidentally run into Integral. He had after all caused a bit more media attention than she approved of.

The intruder alarms that had gone off a minute ago also seemed to be causing Celas to loose her focus. "Um... Shouldn't we go help master?" Ranma looked up from his thoughts and saw she had finally given up on trying to pretend the alarms weren't there.

"Nah, I can tell it ain't a vampire. Probably just some idiot who thought he could rob the place. Probably didn't expect to find a hundred guys with guns. I almost feel sorry for the guy." As if on cue a fat bald man in a white gi frantically scrambled over the edge of the building and onto the roof. "On second thought I take that last part back."

Genma looked up at the voice of his son. -Where have you been! I've searched the whole city for you! My own son, my own flesh and blood abandons me. How did I ever have such an ungrateful child? You'll have double training for a year to make up for this!- A shout from below reminded Genma of why he had been so desperate to hide on the roof. --Now let's go. Move!-

Ranma just shook his head. -No way pop I've gotta stay here.-

Celas looked back and forth between Ranma and the newcomer; she had never heard her master speak Japanese before.

-There's no time for this boy! Now come with me!- Genma demanded as he grabbed Ranma's arm and tried to pull him away.

-No can do pop.- He allowed his arm to pass trough his fathers grip. -I'm stuck here now.- His father didn't want to waste time arguing and settled for knocking him out…or trying to anyway. Ranma simply allowed the swing to pass through his head before grabbing the arm and flipping his father onto the ground.

As Genma fell towards the ground the door to the roof opened and a dozen men in body armor and with weapons drawn burst out and took aim at the downed Saotome. Leaving him with no chance of running he was resigned to simply lie there and sweat while another person strode up onto the roof. Integral quickly surveyed the situation "I see you had no trouble detaining the trespasser. We'll take care of him from here." Walter moved forward to deal with the trespasser personally but stopped short.

"Um, about that," Ranma began. He scratched his head a little trying to figure out how to explain. "This is my pop…"

"Pop…" Celas said softly to herself in surprise.

"Ah Mr. Saotome, I've been informed of your rather extensive record. It seems you're not quite the master thief you have been made out to be."

Genma sweated a little, his reputation preceding him had never been a good thing. Well he could probably try to shy away from that little nuisance. "Thief? I simply came looking for my poor lost son, I'd feared he was dead!"

"Well founded fears…" Integral directed her gaze towards Ranma. "Ranma if you'll let him go I would like to talk to him in private before he tries to leave with you."

"Huh?" Ranma responded in surprise "How'd you know he'd want me to go?"

"Alucard has kept me well informed. You just stay here and continue what you were doing. I'll talk to you later. Mr. Saotome, please come with me." There was no window for discussion left as the guards with her quickly lifted Genma to his feet and led down the stairs. Integral quickly followed them.

"That was weird." Ranma said to himself. "Well let's get back to meditation I guess." Celas sighed knowing she'd never clear her mind now.


Genma was sure of one thing…Integral Wingates Hellsing was a dangerous person. Somehow she had gotten hold of all his police records and also knew all the possible charges of child abuses he could be hit with from Ranma's childhood. Damn the boy for not knowing when to hold his tongue. Her demand seemed innocent enough though, let the boy live there indefinitely, and he of course would be put up as well; being made to live in a mansion was something he could definitely live with for a few months at least. Her story though was purely preposterous, something about the boy being a vampire; it was ludicrous. He played along to amuse her though, she was a dangerous person.

From what he could tell the boy was being trained to fight by an older "vampire", probably some clever martial artist who was just looking to get free room and board for life from some crazy rich chick who thought she was a knight. Learning a new style though was worth the wait, if Ranma still hadn't beaten this Alucard person yet his style must be good. He'd have to put a stop to Ranma learning to use guns though, real fighters didn't need weapons. Then there was the matter of taking on that girl he'd seen on the roof as a student….he'd need to put a stop to that. Add to that the fact the boy apparently slept all day now. How could so much have happened in so little of a time separated from the boy? He'd have to fix that all soon….well after living in luxury for a while anyway. For now though there was apparently a free cafeteria and there were bound to be good things to steal here.


Alucard sighed and idly swirled his glass of blood. The memories he'd been skimming off the newest arrival were…well, interesting. But it was best to keep his mind off them; he wasn't supposed to kill humans anymore. Not until he got Integral's go ahead anyway; he undoubtedly could get it with his new knowledge. That would remove so many chances for mischief later though. Best to think of how to amuse himself for now.

Ryoga had temporarily disappeared. He would have to let the boy stew in his anger before he was brought back. His other plans were totally shot. He definitely didn't want to start getting a good reputation for setting up Celas with Ranma; it just wouldn't do. He had a little less than a week to find some way to split them up. Walter had figured out where his dreams were coming from. He certainly wouldn't tell Integral directly but she would undoubtedly gain the knowledge somehow. The fat man at least would be good for some old fashioned torment of mortals though. He really wished there was something around to kill. Ranma and Celas had been having all the fun in that department lately.

Yes, Ranma and Celas, how to deal with those two. Ranma did have several dozen fiancées; that could be useful if he found any. Celas had nothing to her history he could use. We'll nothing to help split them up anyway. He wished his 'master' weren't such a baby with his power usage or he could split them up in a heartbeat. Alucard sighed again; there wouldn't be any sport to it though if it didn't have rules. He really needed something to get him back in the game, anything to help keep those two too busy to get together.

A dozen more minutes elapsed in thought before a smirk crept across his face.


A sleek black shape emerged from the castle like walls of Hellsing manor, four-legged and almost completely translucent. It was not one of Alucard's stronger forms; it was however the best he could produce without worrying about Integral knowing he had meddled with his seal. Now all he had to do was find someone, anyone, who bore Ranma or Genma malice. He sniffed the air for a moment and expanded his senses to detect surface thoughts around him. Giving a howl he set off in search of prey.


Cologne's eyes shot open from her sleep. The chilling call she heard still echoed to the east. This was not good… night walkers would reek havoc in a city like London. She hoped they were not to blame for the disappearance of her new son-in-law. The lesser creatures of the night preyed on the weak, but the strong sought out powerful prey. However strong it was she would have to look into dealing with it soon, if not for the citizens here then at least for her granddaughter. She couldn't watch her all the time, and if her granddaughter were a widow she would not be able to return home without proof.


"Walter?" Celas asked in surprise as the door to her room opened. Integral had called Ranma down to talk to him. As a result she had the rest of the night free and didn't have anything to do.

"Excuse me Celas…. I had assumed you would be training still." Walter had come to check that her room was still in order, and that her bed was still intact. "Well good night Celas." He turned to leave.

"Wait!" Walter stopped and looked back at the young vampire. "Do you….Do you know anything about Master's father?"

Walter cocked an eyebrow at that. "I've just met him today. Why do you ask?"

Celas shifted nervously. "Well it's just, he's not a vampire is he?" Ranma Had definitely called the intruder his "pop" but as far as she knew all vampires had certain traits, like their red eyes. The newcomer just looked like a normal person.

"No…no he's not," Was the simple reply.

"And his mother…?"

"Not that I've heard."

"So that means…"

"He was bitten?" Walter finished for her, seeing her hesitation. He would have expected this to have been told to her already. People were still talking about Ranma's appearance. Then again she didn't exactly have many people willing to talk to her. "Yes, that's the only way for a human to become a vampire."

The simple statement stirred up chaos in Celas' mind. Ranma had been a human, just like her. Before tonight she had thought she was alone in her predicament…. Not quite human but not quite vampire. This was great! She was next to the ex-angel of death in an instant and crushing him in a very happy, and extremely painful, hug. "Thank you Walter!" Tears were beginning to appear in her eyes; she wasn't as alone as she thought.

Walter just patted her on the shoulder. He didn't have anything he could say…. He didn't have any air left in his lungs.


"Master!" Celas yelled as she finally got to the roof… finding the way up had been hard without just flying through the walls with Ranma's help.

Ranma turned his head in surprise and received a kick, courtesy of his father, to the face. -Concentrate boy! You're too lax in your studies!- Ranma managed to flip backwards with the blow and land back on his feet.

Ranma let himself loose substance so that he could talk to Celas without provoking attacks. "Huh? What's wrong Celas?" He asked dumbly while his father tried kicking him in the back of the head. She looked a little like she had been crying; he hoped he was wrong though.

Celas watched the odd sight of the old fat man's kick passing cleanly through her teachers head without impacting on anything. It was so weird to her that this person could have been normal like she had been. A little worry that Walter was wrong made her stumble slightly over her very hopeful question, "You…you were a human weren't you?"

Ranma jerked slightly at the unexpected question. A kick passed through his legs. This was something Alucard had specifically warned him about. "Well um I…" A flurry of punches through his face cut him off. "Damn it pop not right now!" Ranma let himself become solid again, grabbed his very surprised father, and threw him off the roof. As soon as his father was off the roof he figured out how Celas had guessed his heritage. He needed to learn to watch what he said. Sighing he decided to just fess up since the umm… animal was already out of the bag. "Yeah."

Ranma found himself the sudden recipient of a bear hug that would kill most mortals. "This is great!" Celas declared happily as hugged him.

"Re…really?" Came the surprised response as soon as he could draw breath.

"Of course!" She released him and looked at him in surprise. "Why didn't you tell me before!"

"Well Alucard kinda said it was a bad idea to let you know and all…"

Celas frowned at the comment. Alucard again. Why did he seem to try to make her life difficult? She'd have to talk to Ranma about this further.


The next day Ranma was found again on the roof training with Celas. Dusk had just settled and it still was not late into the night. #Ranma, you'll want to come down here. We have a visitor at the gate. I'm sure you and Celas will want to meet her.# Ranma could literally feel Alucard's amusement through the telepathic summons as he was called from training with Celas. He signaled for Celas to stop her latest exercise.

"What's wrong?" Celas asked as she saw her teacher take on a much grimmer than usual appearance and signal for her to stop her latest kata.

"Alucard wants us both at the gate. He sounds way too happy tho." Ranma had been alright with a lot of the jokes played on him, though he was a little bit angry about a few of them. The soldiers Hellsing employed could basically take care of themselves. Integral and Walter were in no way people he needed to protect from Alucard. Picking on a girl like Celas though was not ok. She had made it abundantly clear she thought Alucard had it out for her. Sure she was stuttering and blushing too much to give most of the details but she was convinced he was trying to cause her trouble.

"Should we go?"

Ranma frowned; he would have to watch out for anything funny. "Yeah, guess we'd better get this over with." He reached out for Celas' hand so he could bring them down to the front of the building through the walls. After she took it he sank into the wall at the edge of the building and dragged her along with him. He turned on his higher senses so he could navigate and decided to take a peek at the entrance to the compound as well.

Besides the guards at the main gate of Hellsing the only people near the entrance were standing further into the compound. Well two of them were standing, Alucard and some woman, and there was a fat man lying on the ground, Ranma guessed it was his father since the Hellsing troops were all in shape. It looked like his father was getting the stuffing beaten out of him by the newcomer and not even trying to fight back.

As he and Celas emerged from the wall at the ground floor of the building he saw the situation better. The girl was Japanese, her black hair was tied behind her, and she wore a black Japanese cook's outfit. The fact she was beating Genma into the ground with a giant spatula earned a raised eyebrow and slight stumble from Celas but it wasn't too weird in Ranma's opinion. Ranma released Celas' hand and raised both his hands to his mouth to amplify his voice. "Hey pops if you wanted ta have someone smack you around ya coulda just asked me!"

"Shut up boy! If you know what's good for you you'll come and take what you deserve!" Genma answered from the ground, relived that his son was now there to be an outlet for righteous fury in his place.

The girl with the oversized cookware had her attention drawn from the old man before her and looked at the newcomers. "Ranma." She growled angrily.

Alucard, with a smile that would send anyone who knew him well running, took this as his cue. "I see you recognize him." He said to the girl with him before turning back to the now approaching forms of the younger vampires of Hellsing. "Ranma, this," he gestured grandly to the girl next to himself, "is your Fiancée, Ukyo Kuonji."

Ranma and Celas stumbled simultaneously in their advance as Alucard announced the new arrival. "WHAT?" Both yelled in shock.

The new revelation quickly sparked something in the teenage martial artist's memory however. In china, after Genma had dragged him away from that crazy Amazon village Ranma had been told he had been engaged to the daughter of one of Genma's old friends. He'd already told his father what he thought of that stupid idea however and the topic had not come up again since Ranma had beaten his old man into submission. Now that it was popping up to bite him in the ass his anger at his father quickly returned. -Damn it pops I already told you I'm not going to marry some stupid girl just cuz you tell me to!-

-Did you just call me stupid?- Ukyo asked raising her spatula angrily. Genma saw the rise in her temper and took to cowering some more.

-That's not the point!- Ranma responded -No way am I going to marry someone I've never even met!-

Ukyo gripped tighter onto her spatula, the jerk seemed to be trying to make her angry. -Just what the hell do you mean someone you've never met?-

-Jeez how can you not understand that? Are you actually stupid or something?-

As blows started heading for Ranma, Celas managed to overcome her shock at the announcement of Ranma's fiancée. She had been particularly slow on the uptake thanks to the announcement ruining her growing hope to be with Ranma. Celas however was nothing if not resilient, and slightly in shock. Hopefully the fact they were actually fighting meant this fiancée thing was a some kind of misunderstanding. When her mind managed to realize the fact in her last line of thought she'd rather have someone attack Ranma than be engaged to him she really began to wish none of this was happening. "What's going on?" she asked Alucard, her mind was acting a bit too chaotic to put things together correctly right then.

Alucard smirked at the trouble he was causing. He had no idea at all what was being said, it was not like he could speak Japanese. He'd have to ask Ranma to teach the new arrival English. The emotions gave enough clues to generalize; this is however no reason not to pretend to understand completely. "Shh, I want to listen to this; it's interesting." It had the result he desired as the police woman muttered something sounding like "I hate you" before turning her attention back to the fight.

Said fight had by this point just slightly moved past the insult phase and Ukyo still had yet to hit her quickly dodging opponent. Ukyo briefly paused in trying to attack her foe. -How the hell can you not remember your own fiancée?-

-I'm telling you I've never met you. I'd remember a crazy chick like you.-

Ukyo attacked once again in anger. -Damn it Ranchan I'm serious!-

Ranma caught the attack as the old nickname triggered Ranma's memories of the one person who called him Ranchan. -Ucchan?-

-Damn right it's me!- She yanked her spatula back out of Ranma's grip. -It's about damn time you recognized me!-

-Ucchan…- Ranma began dropping out of his ready stance and becoming completely serious, -you're a girl?-

Ukyo quickly slammed him into the dirt with her spatula. -What the hell did you think I was?-

Ranma pulled himself back to standing -How the heck was I supposed to know!- Ukyo took another angry swing at her target but the attack was dodged. -The fact we were ENGAGED should have been a clue!-

-Nobody told me we were engaged!-

Ukyo stopped, taken aback, in the middle of another attack. -You never knew?- She asked slightly in shock. Actual ignorance of the matter had never occurred to her before.

Ranma just shook his head.

-You really never knew?- A repeat of Ranma's answer followed. She had always thought he'd known. Granted she had imagined many scenarios, everything from Ranma evilly planning the whole thing to Ranma fighting his father to go back to her once he realized they had left her behind but she'd always thought he'd known they were engaged. If nothing else the fact they'd taken her dowry seemed like a confirmation of that. -Why did you think my father gave you our yatai?-

Ranma thought for a moment and remembered the cart. Come to think of it he had never thought of that. He slightly remembered eating all the food it contained and feeling sad when it was finally empty. This was during his early childhood however, a time when Genma had a habit of acquiring items without any clear means; mysteriously gaining a friend's source of food had seemed perfectly natural at the time. Ranma scratched the back of his head stupidly. -Come ta think of it why did we have that thing?-

Genma looked up from his place on the ground, best to pin the blame on Ranma for the theft before he himself was implicated. -Well you see…- he was however quickly silenced by a boot in his face. Alucard may not want to kill Genma quite yet but abuse was very fitting and interruptions to the soap opera he was watching weren't welcome. Alucard noticed the two young martial artists looking at him and the fat man holding his hands to his nose on the ground; not wanting to distract them any more he waved his hands to signal them to continue.

Ukyo looked back at Ranma, Genma getting kicked like that was weird but welcome, she had more important things to deal with right now than the old man. -That was my dowry you idiot! You really didn't know?-

-How the hell would I?- He responded slightly angry at having been called an idiot.

Ukyo almost started to insult him again for taking that tone with her but another line of thought made her loose steam. Ranma really hadn't abandoned her, so there still was a chance with him. She never really would have wanted to admit it, even to herself, but she always had cared for the jerk, even while tracking him down to get revenge. She had always hoped he'd show up one day after escaping from his father to say he'd come back for her. This wasn't the best of circumstances but it seemed like she at least had a shot at happiness if Ranma was telling the truth. -Alright,- Ukyo decided, -Ranchan we were friends so you get one more chance.- she surprised Ranma as her expression changed from anger to a small smile and stepped up to hug him. -Don't screw it up!-


A.N. ok well I don't know if I handled the Ukyo stuff perfectly but I don't have my manga on me for the summer so if I fix it I will probably do so after the summer is over but for now I feel like writing so I don't want this to stop me. Also I do think she must have already wanted to stay with him a lot in the manga even before calling her cute or else she wouldn't suddenly go from wanting vengeance to blushing like a school girl. I figure with a combination of Ranma not seeming to have any fiancée besides her and stopping Genma from mentioning Ranma ditched her for food she may have enough to change her mind with just claims of innocence instead of calling her cute. Worst come to worst she could always hunt him down later.

Also surprise to everyone who thought I totally stopped writing. I'm working on the next one already by the way so it should not be an extremely long time before its out, dunno though.