I own nothing *sighs* Seriously ...you know I would have made some changes*snickers*. So I will simply play with them for a bit and return them.
Many thanks to my most spectacular and awesome and 'better than sliced bread' Beta Amy! She keeps it pretty and me on track and I love her for that!
Written for the Trope Bingo prompt epistolary. Which is : "Fanfic in the form of collated documents. Most usually these are letters, often written between the characters in a romantic pairing... Email [or chatroom messages, tweets] may take the place of traditional letters when appropriate to the story's setting. Other types of documents—such as diary entries and newspaper clippings (or a mix of forms)—may be used as well, or as an alternative."
May 21, 2006
Don't know quite what to say. I feel so lost since you left. Not quite myself. It's the simple things that I miss…coffee in the mornings, watching you work on the boat, talking the day out. No one would believe how you talked, you had everybody fooled.
But now…the house is too quiet. Too dark somehow. Can't seem to get it right. I tried talking to Ducky but it wasn't the same. He suggested that I write you, sort of have conversations with you. I know…I looked at him like he was losing his mind too. But he said I should put the words to paper as I would have talked to you.
So…here I sit giving it a try.
What would I say if you were in front of me? I would give you a damn headslap Jethro. I get that you lost your memory…but you ran. You left a group of people behind that would have helped. Semper Fi my ass.
I'm sorry but right now this is what you get.
Damn it if I don't still love your sorry ass,
May 23, 2006
Maybe Ducky is on to something here. No, I can't honestly say I feel better, but more like I am still able to do what we do. I talk and you listen. I miss the sanding of the boat though. Funny…sawdust doesn't smell the same without you. I sanded for a while…got a splinter…didn't help.
Would it sound odd if I said that I tried to duplicate that on your pillow? Can't help it Jet…I miss you. We've been together a long time and now all I feel is lost. Ducky is trying, but he's pissed that you left too.
Wish I knew how you were doing.
Scott is coming to visit. He called and said he didn't like how I sounded. Not sure how to respond to that, but right now I'll take it. It might be nice to have someone else in the house. He says "Hi" by the way. Right now I wish more people had known about us.
I'm done for now.
June 16, 2006
Hi. I wish I could tell you that writing these letters was helping…but each time I sit down to put the words on paper I miss you more and the pain starts all over again. But I can't stop the need to share with you. Guess that is what happens when you've been together for years. God I miss you so much.
Abby came by again, brought her 'famous gumbo' and watched as I had a bowl. I know she means well, but sometimes I just don't feel like eating. But she bats those puppy eyes and I choke down the food while smiling.
Director asks if I am coming back. Don't have an answer for that, wish I did, but every time I think about it I freeze up. Maybe the next time. She tried to get me to do an undercover op…said no. My gut was screaming.
I Love You.
June 17, 2006
Today I am afraid I am pissed at you. I want to tell you to fuck off and leave, but you've already fucking done that. You left.
Sure…I understand why, really I do. To have your memories taken back to one of the worst moments of your life sucks. If you remembered me….I would have sat with you, helped you through them like I always have.
But apparently, I am not worth remembering.
June 21, 2006
Don't have anything to say.
June 25, 2006
I'm gonna break one of your rules…I'm sorry. I know that you didn't forget me intentionally…I know that your leaving wasn't personal. But just because I know that it doesn't make this any easier. I'm pissed over something that you have no control over and I can't fucking help it.
All I can do is look at the walls of our house…OUR house that I am alone in and hope that sometime soon you remember me. Funny thing is all I can do is sit and remember everything. Every moment…every touch and every word.
I hate this. I am supposed to have your six, we're partners Jethro, in every way imaginable. How am I supposed to move forward every day when I am stuck here waiting? I have no idea what I am supposed to fucking do.
Maybe I shouldn't write these…maybe I should start to deal with the possibility that you may never remember me.
July 2, 2006
Tried not to write. Tried to take a step forward…couldn't. Didn't realize how big a part of me you really were until you weren't here anymore.
Went back to work…Sheppard is still pissed that I said no. Tried to threaten me, but I channeled you and took out the big guns. Set her back a bit and it may well come back to bite me in the ass but I can't do this op.
She basically wants me to romance this Dr. whose father is a weapons dealer. But I did some research and the young lady has nothing to do with her dad. I have a feeling he has kept her completely out of it. And yea…her dad is an arms dealer, but I get the feeling this is far more personal than she is letting on. I'm trying to piece it together before something happens.
Ducky said you wanted to sell the house….if you were here you would hear me sigh. Not selling it Jethro, or rather you just sold it to me. You may have left and deserted me, but right now I am not giving up on you. Tried…didn't work. Loved you for too long and even if the mere act of breathing hurts right now, I will continue to breathe and hope that you'll come home. What is that saying?…Hope springs eternal.
I love you.
July 4, 2006
Sorry no dear today, after all it is Independence Day and I am asserting my independence forced as it may be. Yea...not the best attitude but so what? Where the fuck are you? Finished that bottle of Bourbon I got you…may have polished off a few more. Don't care.
Abby tried to drag me off to the Sisters, I may have told her to fuck off…not sure. I'm just tired. Tired of waiting…tired of hoping…tired of the Director playing games…tired of McGee and Ziva…I have had enough.
Seems that your ringing endorsement of you'll do wasn't enough for your team. You can have them. Maybe I played the part of Frat boy to well. Too many secrets Jet, and right now I am stuck in them with nowhere to go.
Your desire to 'protect' my career and shit isn't helping me here. Gonna go…don't feel much like talking to you right now.
July 5, 2006
I love you. After the rant I just wanted you to know that. Not sure that is enough right now though.
July 9, 2006
Hard day. Want to get lost in you and I can't. The house doesn't smell like you anymore, no matter how much coffee I brew. Seems to smell different when you brew it. Ducky has been watching me closely…guess he sees through me.
Been thinking a lot. Remembering why I love you and trying to hang on to that. Guess I figure since you don't remember someone needs to …otherwise it feels like it never happened. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and you told me once that I was the one who brought you back to life.
God I wish there were a way to bring back your memories. Because there is a part of me that knows you're gonna beat yourself up over the fact that you forgot me…us and there is a part of me that wants that. But the part that remembers your touch…that look in your eyes you get when you're holding me…the laughs and the smiles that are only for me…that part of me wants you to know that this wasn't your fault.
You would never have hurt me like this intentionally. I know this but that doesn't stop the hurt or lesson the emptiness that is now a part of me. I'm stuck in limbo not sure whether to move forward or wait. There is nothing I want more than for you to remember me and what we have (had?) together and then still want that.
Will that happen? I wish I had the answer to that…I need the answer to that question. Guess it's not going to be answered by sitting here basically talking to myself.
I still love you…right now though I am not sure that's enough.
July 20, 2006
Been awhile. Couldn't look at the paper and not feel hopeless. I mean what does it say about me that I am writing words on paper to a ghost. No, I know you're not dead but honestly you might as well be. Not that I want that…it just feels that way to me. I am for all intents and purposes in mourning.
I just can't seem to let go and I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. The few friends that knew about us are trying to help, keep my spirits up and make sure I eat. I know, you can't believe that, but I haven't felt much like eating.
Ducky has me on leave and trying to help. Be honest I needed to get away from NCIS. Tired of hearing how I am not you…and the looks of disappointment. They are right, I'm not you and they don't get that. It's why we work(ed) so well together.
We complement one another. Guessing that is why we fit. Do you remember that moment in Baltimore? No…I guess you don't sorry. But the moment I talked you our eyes met and I felt like I had always known you. Sure as hell wasn't love at first sight.
Neither of us knew quite what to make of it. Butted heads for a while before we got a clue. One hell of a surprise and regardless of everything I am going through I wouldn't have changed it for the world. That first kiss as awkward as it was …was perfect.
From then on out we figured it out together and I have never looked back. We made promises to one another Jethro…between you and me. You have never lied to me before…and I beg you please don't now. Never have I ever asked anything of you…but I need you.
It took months before I was able to let you in fully…you proved that you were in it for the long haul and that I was worth it. So where the hell are you?
I am so worth it that you can't even remember me…I mean so much to you that you ran…
Ok…I have to stop…I didn't want to go down that path again. I'm trying here Jet…but my reserves are running out and frankly, I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on.
August 2, 2006
Just so tired.
August 12, 2006
You son of a bitch! What the fuck am I supposed to think when you come back to help Fornell and say nothing. Barely acknowledged I existed. Am I to believe that this is the new you? The scruffy beard and longer than Marine issue hair guy who breezes in and out like he was never there.
Well that sucks big time. You barely said Hi to me or anyone else. All this time waiting to see you…hoping…praying and wanting it more than I have ever wanted anything and this is what I get.
Wait…I didn't get jack shit. You fucking disappeared again. Hell for all I know maybe you and Franks have something going on. I can't do this anymore Jethro. This was a knife to the heart whether you meant it or not it happened.
It is clear…Fornell…Franks…those people you will talk to. Don't get me wrong I am glad that Emily is ok and safe. But that doesn't make the rejection hurt less. Doesn't make me feel better and doesn't change the fact that you left …again. No goodbye…again.
And I am done.
August 17, 2006
I am afraid that there is no time for pleasantries in this missive, nor do I feel inclined to give them. I am afraid that I feel just as alienated from you as young Anthony and he is in fact why I take my pen in hand.
I have endeavored to keep Anthony in good health and sprits as he struggled with what your amnesia has forced upon him. However I can no longer lay silent or adhere to the Dr.'s advice to let your memory come on line at its own time. I don't have that luxury.
Right now Anthony is standing on the precipice of a decision and my efforts to coax him to hang on just a bit longer were thwarted by your appearance. You have no idea what pain you caused that young man by your indifference.
And regardless of your intent or lack of or even your memory and the lack of that, what you have done to that young man is devastating. He is in the process of leaving and I assure you he will disappear with far more invisibility than you can imagine.
I can not let that happen if it is in my power to prevent it because this is his home, frankly it is the only home he has ever known. And despite the abhorrent treatment of his teammates, which I shall address later trust me, this is his home and family.
I have enclosed letters which Anthony has written in your absence. He did not write them for you to see and I loathe to betray a confidence, but if this helps you see what you are missing than I shall indeed take the heat as they say. I suggested he write the letters as a way of release. You and he talked a great deal more than people would have believed. But that is neither here nor there.
Because you, Jethro, are also my friend and if you lose Anthony I believe that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. You have already lost more than any one man should have and having to relive that moment and be lost there is heart wrenching. I assure you I do sympathize with what you're experiencing.
Unfortunately time is of the essence and I have no time to sugar coat it or offer platitudes. So I shall strive to cut to the chase. Before you read the letters, understand that you both were the happiest I had ever seen either of you.
You found what you needed in one another. Only a few of us knew and that was something that you and I did not see eye to eye on. But that is something to be brought up another time. Since the explosion, Anthony has been lost and a drift waiting, hoping and praying that you will remember him.
You are not alone in experiencing pain my friend, you are causing Anthony immeasurable pain. Read his letters…feel his words by letting them wash over you. I can only hope that this triggers your memory before it is too late.
Sitting on the beach watching the waves, he allowed the emotions to roll off of him as he held the letters in his hands. He hadn't planned on reading them…Duck was wrong, he wouldn't have forgotten something like that. But the small voice in the back of his head felt otherwise and prevailed.
The pain he had caused and was still causing Tony was unfathomable. As he read the words pictures fluttered in his head. Ghostly images that haunted him from the beginning but he had no idea of what they were. They felt as though they belonged to someone else.
As he allowed them to the forefront he could feel how real they were and that it was a piece he was missing. The letters didn't magically bring them all back and he desperately wished they had. What he was able to remember was amazing. He had found peace and love with Tony.
Tony had accepted him with all his faults with open arms. Encouraged him to hold onto and treasure Shannon and Kelly and had welcomed them into their life. And how did he repay that? He forgot everything and walked away.
Right now it didn't matter that he had no control over that…it didn't matter that Tony knew him well enough to know that he would feel this way…what mattered is that he did it. How in the hell was Tony supposed to forgive him?
Was he even worthy of being loved by Tony? He sure as hell didn't feel like it. The letters were full of pain…longing and sometimes hope. But the devastation…that was palpable. He needed to figure out how to fix this…if that was even possible.
Tony looked around the room taking in the boxes and sighing. Torn up about leaving…torn about staying he decided that he needed to leave. NCIS was hell and he was tired of the insubordination, the games that Sheppard was trying to play and the silence of the house.
This wasn't home right now…and he needed to get away.
Hearing the door he turned expecting to see Scott with the movers…however that was not who was standing in his living room.
"Didn't hear you knock."
"Didn't….used my key."
"Should have knocked. Not your house anymore." Tony turned away his heart pounding. Not sure what the man was doing here, he debated whether he wanted to kill, punch or kiss him. The last option was pissing him off. He was ready to move forward and try to find some peace and now he decided to walk in.
"Are you going to look at me Tony? Talk to me?" Jethro was at a loss of how to proceed. What he wanted was to pull the younger man close, kiss him senseless and never let go. But his gut was telling him to hang on and tread lightly. "Please."
Tony took a deep breath desperate to gain control over his warring emotions. "Why?" He turned to look at the man who had been haunting his dreams and a few nightmares. He could see the confusion on the older man's face. "Why are you here?"
"I love you Tony. I won't lie and say that I have all my memories…I don't. Still have a lot of holes. I don't know where to start…how do you apologize for something like this? How can I make it up to you? Will you let me?"
"I wish to God that I hadn't forgotten something so precious and I sure as hell wish that I hadn't caused you pain. But I did." Jethro lowered his head staring at his shoes as he tried to put it all into words. "I can tell you that I felt like something was missing…like it was right there out of reach. But I had no idea…"
"Is it possible for us to move past this and go forward? Make new memories…together? I would have never knowingly left you Tony…and I know that this has been unimaginably hard-"
"Do you? Do you know how hard it is…was? Not many people to talk to about it…that was hard as hell. People playing games...being alone and finally that one moment seeing you. Hoping that you would see me too. You barely talked to me."
"Do I want to put the behind me? Yes…but I don't know if I can honestly. I have been barely functioning…hanging on by a thread… I struggled to remember that this wasn't your fault. I get that. But that doesn't change what happened and how it felt."
Tony looked devastated as he spoke the words. "I don't know if I can do it again."
Mirroring the devastation Jethro whispered. "Do you want me to go?"
Tony began to pace wringing his hands together. "Yes…no…maybe…" Tony stopped and looked at Jethro chewing his lip nervously. "Mostly no….I just don't know how to get past it all."
"Maybe we don't. Maybe instead we start from here…a new beginning."
"Can we do that? Is it possible?"
"It's whatever we want Tony. We can do whatever we need. We made it back to each other and that has to count for something."
Tony's eyes met Gibbs' knowing that really there was only option. They had to try…he already knew what it felt like without the older man…they had to do this. "We can do that."
September 15, 2007
It's our anniversary and I thought that I would write down words for old times' sake. Can't thank Ducky enough for giving the letters to you and bringing you home.
We have come a long way from there and I am go grateful that we took another chance. The new memories are better than the old. Never thought I would say that. But I guess that brought out changes in both of us.
I love the life we have made together. Sure I could tell you this but you and I both know that when we start talking about our feelings words turn into hands…mouths…lips…I love that by the way. But I really wanted you to know all of this.
Thank you Jet, for reading the letters and coming home…for through your vague memories knowing this …I, was worth fighting for. And for supporting my need for a new start in everything. I could go on but instead I am gonna sneak back up to bed and wake you up properly. This you can read later…much later.
I love you…more than words will ever be able to say.