Hi friends, I'm back at it. For those of you who know me, I'm sorry I've been gone so long. No good excuses, other than life is crazy. These drabbles will all be written from Beckett's POV, reliving moments that passed her by.
Enjoy, and please review!
Now that Castle is a regular part of my life, I'm starting to warm up to him. I'm growing used to his antics, wild theories, and the ever presence of a fresh coffee in my hand. I've actually started to enjoy our banter, and Castle's endless come-ons. I've come to enjoy our time together and our growing friendship is quickly becoming vital to my being.
Lanie teases me all the time about my relationship with Castle. She is relentless in trying to get me to admit to something. She always says "how can you not see what's going on? He's right in front of you!"
I always bat her away, feign indignation or indifference. I always wave her off, telling her that our relationship is nothing but an entertaining and platonic, witty rapport. Sometimes she buys it, or at least pretends to buy it for my sake.
But I'm for sure not fooling myself. The more time I spend with Castle, the more I'm drawn to him. So much so, that I think I'm starting to have feelings for him.
Today, he asked me to join him in the Hamptons, and I nearly had a stroke. I wanted to jump into his arms and tell him yes, of course I want to spend time with you in the Hamptons. But then I remembered that I'm still dating Demming. And my bubble of joy burst.
I agonized all day over what to do, and when Demming came to talk to me, I knew exactly what to say. I didn't want to hurt him, because he truly is a great guy, he's just not the guy for me. As I was breaking things off, I heard Castle's voice and knew that I needed to speak to him immediately.
I said goodbye to Demming and grabbed a beer as I joined the group in the break room. I asked Castle if I could have a word with him and he obliged. My heart hammered wildly in my chest as he followed me into the bullpen. I thought I was going to pass out, but managed to stay focused.
"Look, I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know. And I don't always let on what's on my mind. But this past year working with you…I've had a really good time."
My heart soars as Castle smiles and reciprocates the sentiment. My courage is bolstered, and I force myself to keep talking, knowing that I'm about to change the dynamic of our relationship forever.
"So, I'm just gonna say this-" and just as I'm about to tell Castle how I feel, Gina walks in and I feel myself deflate.
I manage to keep a straight face as I exchange pleasantries with Gina. I bite my cheek as she gives me a snarky smile, her eyes challenging me, and undressing Castle. Then she drops the bomb on me that she will be staying with Castle in the Hamptons all summer. I feel my stomach churn and I try desperately to clarify, or bargain, or anything to get him out of her sneaky hands.
I can't breathe. I think I'm having a panic attack. Yes, I'm definitely having a panic attack.
I shake my head, trying to dislodge the image of Gina straddling Castle.
"I'm sorry. I didn't think the two of you got along."
"We didn't. But then last night on the phone we started talking," Castle smiles as he looks at Gina and she finishes his sentence.
"And ended up talking for hours, just like old times." Gina loops her arm through Castle's as he beams down at her.
"Yeah." Comes Castle's dreamy reply. Gina gives me a smug smile.
"So I'm sorry, you were telling me something." I clear my throat as Castle's voice breaks through the ringing in my ears.
"Yeah, I wanted to say-" I pause, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.
"Have a great summer." I try for a smile, but a grimace takes root on my face instead.
Castle keeps talking to me, and I'm nodding my head, agreeing with him. But my head is spinning, and I'm trying to keep back my tears. Then he reaches out to shake my hand and I all but die of humiliation. Gina continues to throw self-satisfied smiles in my direction and I swear I'm going to pass out.
Castle starts to walk away and I call out to him, grasping for the strings of our relationship. He assures me he'll be back in the fall. And even though his assurance is something, it's not enough to keep the tears from clogging my throat.
I excuse myself from the party that they boys threw for Castle and make a hasty exit. I drive home, my thoughts cloudy and chaotic. The minute I'm in my apartment, my knees give and crash to the ground. The tears haven't stopped falling since I stepped outside of the precinct, and I let them continue into the early hours of the morning.
At some point, I got up and showered, then slipped into my bed without bothering to put on clothes. I slept wrapped in my damp towel and woke with a chill I couldn't escape.
The absence of Castle haunts me.
I feel so absolutely silly, because Castle isn't gone forever. And he has every right to be in the Hamptons with Gina. But it kills me that he doesn't know how I feel. It kills me that he's there with her. It kills me that I was too stupid to tell him when I knew. I overthought and waited too long.
I waited for his call all summer. It never came.