So, I've been really into reading stuff in Edward's POV recently, and this idea sort of came out of nowhere. As such, it is clear to announce now that Eclipse is my favorite book in the Saga. That being said, I always HATED how Bella never realized how much pain she put Edward in while she was off doing whatever with Jacob. The Jacob/Bella thing never worked for me, and it seemed to just be a complication to add to the story, but not fix the story at all. So, I thought it would be nice to have a one shot where Edward just let it all out.
Also, I suppose this could be set somewhere in Eclipse, and, in my head, it is before the battle, possibly after Jacob's all "I'd rather see you dead" garbage. That being said, if you guys want another piece for a renewed version of the battle scene without all the Jacob/Bella kiss nonsense, just let me know. Anyway, I love Edward, and I just needed to put this out there. If you don't like it, that's cool, I just can't let this go.
Happy reading, and please review!
I contemplated, not for the first time, if immortality truly was a curse, just as in love. After all, all's fair in love and war, but I never would have thought that Bella would contribute to the black flak and bloodshed that seemed to flow around us all the time. Us being the sickening trio of Bella, Jacob, and myself. One of these things just doesn't belong here...
I hung my head, the dimming sunlight that streamed through the massive bedroom window I was standing in front of streaking across part of my face and over the carpet. I looked down at that light, watching as each minuscule fiber in the carpet glistened like velvet cream beneath the glaring stream of another dying day, a dying sun. I was invincible, dammit, but I had never had such difficulty controlling my emotions. I was thankful that Jasper and Alice were out for their round of hunting, Emmett and Rosalie watching over Bella, Carlisle at the hospital. Esme was in the garden reading, her thoughts all centered on the page she was on at the moment. My family was helping me, helping themselves, but I could not seem to find the strength that I needed to calm my fears, my pain, my jealousy.
I hated the word. I hated my turmoil. I hated my inner battle. I had never felt these things before Bella, and now I was trapped in the middle of it all because Bella could not see what I felt. I had hid it so well, but I had recently dropped the facade, averting my eyes when she called Jacob, scowling openly when she spoke of him, almost gasping with every pierce of that dreaded excitement that filled her eyes when she decided to go see him. I had even seen happiness in her eyes when I went hunting last week, and I prompted that it would be a good idea to go see him while I was away. Admittedly, I had brought that on myself, but that did not mean that she had to openly show her stunningly vibrant feelings for the mongrel. It hurt so much, and I wanted to tell her so badly, but I just did not have the heart to.
The light faded erratically in the moments that my thoughts ruled over. I lifted my head, looking out into the forest as a distant rumble echoed through the air. A storm was coming quickly, electricity sitting in the air. From below, I heard the back door click quietly as Esme entered, venturing into the living room to continue her reading with some light, though she did not need it. Just as I needed no light to see every single detail of each individual leaf and tracing tree bark before me, or the crystallized lines right before my eyes that trekked through the glass of the window. I could see it all. I could see my own pain reflected back at me. I could see Bella's raw emotions at every single moment, but, even when I did not hide it, she could not see mine. She was so observant, too much almost, but she was never as perceptive when she really needed to be.
I helped her as much as I could, but when I needed it? Where was she? Nowhere, and it was a massive inequality in our relationship. Deciding that I really did, finally, need help, I began to turn towards the door, the air moving from its settled state that had developed around my still form. The molecules bounced and weaved, Bella's scent intoxicating me. Breathing in deeply, I found such comfort and pain in the freesia and strawberry particles that filled my senses. I loved it, and I hated it. I wanted her, and I wanted her to see. Just as I began to make my way downstairs to speak to Esme, a new rumbling caught my attention. Old grinding gears, rusted spark plugs, a brief slosh of low running oil. Bella's truck. Sighing, I realized that I was too late. I was out of time for a mother's aid.
Growling lowly at myself, I brushed a hand through my hair, frustrated. I needed to say something, anything. This needed to be resolved. I glanced out the window just as the first raindrops hit my window, and Bella hopped out of her truck, returning after a day with Jacob. She threw her bag over her shoulder. According to Charlie, she was staying over with Alice, at least that's what Esme told him. He was none the wiser, but I was none the painless. Heaven forbid I come across Jacob and his vile thoughts again. Truce or not, Bella or not, I would not hesitate to kill him. I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose as some of his latest inner jabs came to my mind.
Bella sitting in her truck, arms wrapped around her midsection. She was paled and much too thin, very dark circles lining the skin beneath her eyes.
Bella smiling and laughing with Jacob's arm around her. That expression was all for him, always for him. I had never seen such a carefree look on Bella's face in my presence. Whatever the situation, or lack thereof, there was never such life in her eyes, not that I got to see for myself. That was reserved for Jacob, her Jacob.
She tells me she loves me all the time, you know. You're not the only one that hears it.
She actually wants to see me all the time, bloodsucker. What about you? She smiles when we hug when you're away, she sneaked away to see me. Where is that devotion to you?
My scent is covering her, and not because I pushed it on her. Ha! Oh, no, she actually kept hugging me of her own accord. Breathe that in, you monster, soak it up.
Her lips will taste like me, will smell like me. She kissed me on the cheek today and never thought to wash it away. Man, did that feel good. She was so close to my lips, too. One good turn, and she would've been mine for good.
I was there for her. You weren't. I took care of her. You didn't. I protected her. You didn't. I saved her. You killed her.
They went on and on, and they pierced me with every word, every sentence. I felt my face twist in pain, my body crumbling beneath the weight of world on my shoulders. Bella's love was weakening, I could feel it. I was losing her, and I was losing her again. God forbid. I had walked away once, but I vowed never to do that again. Bella never made that promise, but she made me make it. Why does she get the benefit of a changing heart while I stay here, frozen and locked within my own heartbreak? Her humanity holds so few faults, that I always get shocked when I find one. She is perfect to me in every single way. She always has been...until now. Now I could not help but to question her heart. I hated myself for it, but I had hit my limit. Bella told me time and time again that she loved me, that she cared, but it does not show as much now as it had before I left.
I leaned back against the wooden post settled between two windows heavily as I sunk down to my knees with my fingers weaved into my hair. I pulled roughly and growled quietly as I heard Esme greet Bella at the door.
"Good evening, dear," Esme greeted, a smile in her voice, but I could hear the tense atmosphere surrounding her tone. She was worried about me, I just knew it, but she would leave me alone. Or, she simply assumed that Bella would help me. Could Bella help me?
My answer for that question was interrupted as Bella's angelic voice filled the air. "Hey, Esme." Her tone was pleasant and presentable. It always was after she got back from being with that mongrel. I growled again, slightly louder this time. Damn him. "Is Edward upstairs? I'm surprised he didn't greet me, though meeting you at the door is just as much of a treat." She chuckled beautifully, the sound chilling me despite my already cold nature.
Esme repeated the action, but she revealed no words. I simply assumed that she had nodded because I soon heard the soft footfalls as Bella very carefully maneuvered herself up the three flights of stairs that led to the floor that held my room. With every step Bella took, my breath shortened and deepened. By the time she stood outside the door, I was gasping with shallow breaths, my chest heaving with an invisible constriction. My throat felt as though it was closing up, tightening. Bella hesitantly wrapped her hand around the door knob, and I watched it turn, the silver of the ball sparkling against the door.
In those seconds, my system shut down completely. All senses died off except for the pain churning in my gut. Bella stood in the doorway, her eyes locking with mine as soon as the light from the hall cascaded onto my huddled form, my black eyes peering out from the area that shown between my bent forearm and bicep. Bella's eyes widened as she gasped, her bag hitting the floor as she rushed towards me.
"Edward!" she gasped as she fell to her knees before me, her hands reaching forward to gently pull my hands from my head. With no will to fight her gentle touch, I let my arms drop, my hands resting where they landed: my arms stretched forward slightly with my limp hands resting on her hips. Bella curled her palms around my cheeks, and I practically melted in her hands. She fire and I was ice. She was my krypton, a delectable poison. "What's wrong?" she asked, her voice strained and pitiful, filled with worry.
My eyes stared into hers blankly for a moment. I held my breath continuously, and as Bella dropped her hand to my chest, she seemed to finally notice my lack of air. Her hair rested over my heart, and, in that moment, my entire body shook with terrific tremors. My eyes stung with tears as I looked at the woman I love, the one that held my heart. I had fallen in love with God's greatest creation, and I had such a magnificent fear that I would soon be losing her to another. I was pitiful and helpless in her hands. I needed her comfort, and I wondered briefly if she would even give me such a thing. Was I worth the comfort anymore? Damn my lack of trust, damn my inability to see her love.
Her eyes flashed to her hand and then back to my eyes. In that short second, I saw everything that I had been yearning to see for weeks. Love. Pure undiluted love. It was finally there, shining back at me through her hypnotic cinnamon colored irises. Shaking and reeling in a gasp, I flew forward, falling right into Bella with probably a little too much force. Her body rocked backwards slightly, but she somehow managed to stop her tumbling. I gasped and shook as raucous tremors waved through me with every harsh sob that tumbled from my lips. I pressed my cheek against Bella's chest, listening to the fluttering of her heart. Bella's arms wrapped around me with all the strength her petite body possessed, and I finally felt what I've been needing to feel, all that I have wanted.
I felt her love, her devotion, but I still felt such an insecurity within myself that I broke down, words tumbling from my lips before I could stop them.
"I can't lose you," I breathed airily, gasping. "Never. You're the love of my life, my existence, the rest of my eternity. My forever. You are everything, and I will never be able to function again if you walk out on me. I need you, I want you. I've almost lost you before, but I could never take it if I truly had to let you go, watch you leave. You're the sun, the light, the stars, the shooting star that I wish on. You are every dream come true for me, and I can't let him take you. I can't lose you. I don't want to let you go, even if I have to. I love holding you and protecting you and keeping you close. You give me warmth, so much magnificent heat. How can I let you walk away? How can I let you go? H-How...how..." I was in hysterics, completely broken down and vulnerable before the woman that clutched my heart in her fragile porcelain hands. The house was silent besides my gasping breaths and Bella's heartbeats. The others were frozen, startled into submission and silence below. Their presence was known, but my head was blissfully silent in my turmoil.
I had never felt so alone.
"Shh...shh..." Bella shushed quietly, maternally. She began to rock me back and forth slightly, her lithe fingers curling into my hair and scratching across my scalp in the most comforting motion. "Breathe, my love, just breathe. I will never leave you, I swear that to you. You have my heart and my soul in your hand. I can never leave without those, and I never want to because I've already given them to the most amazing man in the world. My protector, my lover, my boyfriend, my fiance, my future husband, my vampire, my everything. I love you, Edward, and nothing and no one is ever going to change that. With all of my heart in your hands, I will never leave you. I will never move on, and I will never go away. This is our forever, Edward, no on else's."
Listening to her words but ignoring her gentle shushing, I transpired, "B-but what a-about J-J-Jacob?"
Bella tensed in my hands, and that brought on a whole new round of hysterics. I was gonna lose her. Dear God, please bless my venom with stillness at her goodbye. Let me get killed by some rogue, murderous vampire. Anything is better than this pain.
"I will never speak to Jacob Black again," Bella whispered quietly, fiercely, and with such hatred that I could not help but move away from her slightly so I could look in her eyes. She stared forward a second, her eyes blazing with hatred, but that disappeared completely as she looked down on me. Her eyes met mine with gentility and love, gazing into my eyes with a stunning ray of light. In her gaze, I felt fire burn in my veins.
"W-why?" I asked gently, my breathing finally beginning to calm.
Bella shook her head. "Unimportant. His words were not the best, and I would rather not repeat them," she replied carefully, cryptically. Whatever the reason, though, I saw that she truly was never going to involve herself with him again. I saw that, and I could not stop myself from absolutely reveling in her new emotion for the mutt. I truly felt saddened by her loss of friendship, but my nerves were calmed. I had been on the brink of destruction, and she was pulling me back to earth. I had orbited without gravity, and she was my gravity and here she was. She was giving my leverage, a direction, a meaning. She was holding me here, and I loved it.
"And I am never leaving you, Edward. I will never run screaming from you," she stated strongly, her eyes meeting mine with blazing power. My breathing calmed with striking speed, my body finally calming to light shivers. From my lasting raw emotions or Bella's heated touch on my skin, I did not know, but I shook deliciously, my body against hers. "Besides," Bella's lips quirked with a gentle, adorable smirk, "you're gonna be absolutely stuck with me soon so you have no reason to worry. I want you forever, Edward Cullen, and I intend to make that a reality."
"Forever," I whispered as if testing the word. Delicious. "Forever," I stated, stronger in tone.
Bella nodded, her eyes brightening as she saw my mood shifting. "God, I love you," I breathed. "I'm so sorry I ever doubted your love. Please, say you'll forgive me."
"There's nothing to forgive. And I love you, too." Her eyes locked with mine. "Forever."
She tightened her arms on me, bringing my head to her chest. She rested her chin on my head, sometimes placing a sweet kiss to my hair as she rocked me. I held onto her as tightly as I dared.
My heart, my love, my life, my death, my passion, my kryptonite, my everything.
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human
~Christina Perri, "Human"
If you want a oneshot of my take on the tent scene and impending battle, let me know, or any Eclipse moment for that matter, but my spin on it :) Let me know in a review!
Hope you liked it!
~Much Love, Zoe
-Until next time...