Copyright: I don't own Naruto. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. Moving on.
"You've been quiet Hokage-sama."
"That's because I'm thinking about things..." Minato stated, Rock Lee's file sitting open on the desk, "Like how exactly to respond to you."
"How the hell you ever got out of the academy."
"Exactly...you graduated and became genin despite being physically unable to use jutsu."
"I can use jutsu-"
"I'm sorry, jutsu that doesn't tear apart your muscles and turn you into a liability." Minato clarified, "In essence, all you can do is punch and kick people. That is all that you can do."
"I can punch them really hard!" Lee boasted, "Guy Sensei also taught me how to run really fast!"
"Impressive in themselves, but Lee...that's all you can do." Minato blunted, "Do you know how many shinobi there are in this village who are really fast, punch things hard and can do something else amazingly incredible?"
"Sakura can punch things and use ninjutsu...including healing people. Think about that..."
"I feel like you just insulted me somehow..."
"Your teammate Neji! He doesn't need to punch things hard and he can kill people by tapping their chest. I mean...he can also see over a hundred kilometers away in addition to x-ray vision and closing an opponent's chakra points. He is also really fast! Do you see how insignificant you appear compared to him?"
"Neji is a protegee..."
"Then there's Choji...whose also really strong and can make himself into a giant...A GIANT..."
"I strive to be a good shinobi without ninjutsu or genjutsu!"
"Ah...no...you're missing something Lee. What makes a shinobi a shinobi?"
"No philosophy shit! What makes a shinobi be identified as a shinobi? What can a shinobi do that normal people can't?"
"They are trained to kill people and infiltrate and...spy and...other things."
"And how do most shinobi do these things?"
"Where do you think the nin in ninjutsu comes from? It comes ninja! Which is what we are!"
"And I am a ninja without ninjutsu!"
"No...you can't be a shinobi without ninjutsu...it's kind of the point." Minato stated, "For instance, your record states that you went on one S-ranked mission."
"We were sent to rescue the Kazekage from Akatsuki."
"And you fought a fish-man named Kisame...what did you contribute to that fight?"
"Guy-sensei defeated him-"
"And what did you do?"
"Get caught in water and almost drown..."
"So...let's say that you had to fight Deidara, a man who can fly on a clay bird and use clay to throw explosives at you...how would you fight him?"
"By jumping up to him and kicking him!"
"And how would you get past the explosives and the fact that HE CAN FLY?"
"Now lets say Naruto went up against Deidara in a fight. What do you think he would do?"
"No shit! He'd use shadow clones to throw off his enemy and sneak attack him before he got too high. Or better yet, throw a rasenshuriken at the clay bird and let gravity do the rest."
"That would be Naruto for you..."
"But are you seeing the problem with associating a man who only punches and kicks people with shinobi?" Minato asked the unphased Rock Lee, "You're not a shinobi at all. You're really just a bouncer."
"Yes! As in a bodyguard! Because you're completely useless above that capacity."
"I am a splendid shinobi!"
"You are not a shinobi! You're a bodyguard! A bodyguard who uses high-speed martial arts!"
"I am very effective in combat!"
"Against thugs and other non-shinobi. But any genin-level ninja would just use basic ninjutsu to avoid you and head off to their target."
"Not if I catch them first!"
"So you're faster than a substitution jutsu? Or a shunshin jutsu? What about my space-time ninjutsu that allowed me to slit the throats of a whole army in less than a minute? You're faster than the Yellow Flash?"
"Can you see chakra?"
"Can you heal people?"
"So you're completely worthless to me Lee! Sakura is more useful than you are!"
"I am not useless!"
"You're at least more useful than Tenten...I can call you if I ever need a martial arts demonstration. Or maybe I'm throwing a party and I need a bodyguard!"
"I'm a good-"
"Fighter...you are a fighter! If you want to be a shinobi then find Tsunade and have her fix your chakra coils! Or better yet, talk to the Raikage about how to use ninjutsu without handsigns! But just taijutsu? How did you even pass your Chunin exam?"
"By defeating my opponent..."
"So a fluke...just like with the guy that Obito beat..."
"Who was Obito?"
"My student...a good kid who was crushed and killed under a giant rock. But you know what? Do you know what he could do?"
"What could he do-"
"He could breath fire! He was also decent with punching people and that was before he got his sharingan! He was 13 when he died and I'd trained him since he was 9. In all of those years, he was never as useless as you are."
"I break rocks."
"Good! If we ever need to make a new tunnel through the mountain, you'll be the first person that I call!"
"I can use weapons too!"
"Can you embue them with electricity like Sasuke can? Or wind energy like Naruto and Asuma?"
"Then those weapons are as useless as you are." Minato decided to conclude business, "So with this in mind, I am suspending your rank in the shinobi forces until you find something else that you can do."
"You're suspending me?"
"And if you don't learn how to do something other than punch people then you're fired."
"But...this is my life! You can't suspend me from my life!"
"Then you should look into other fields such as opening a dojo or becoming a bouncer-for-hire. Or I could make you a bodyguard for the front gates."
"No..." Minato chuckled, "No! Haven't you been paying attention to my words?"
"Where did you get that awesome coat-"
Ah oh! Lee has been canned!
Who else will risk being flash-burned?
Note: Minato is a bit of a jerk, so if he seems overly harsh on Lee or any other further interviewees, then it's because he's a jerk. Anyone whose seen Naruto would know that Rock Lee can beat the shit out of anyone with a sharingan (which grants you high reflexes and copycat abilities) because of his speed. Lee may only be a "fighter", but he's a fighter who scissor-kicked zombie Madara.
This is a crack fic for a reason.