Disclaimer: Loogie-Oh is brought to you by the Mucus Council. When you blow your nose, we think, "you better snot!"

It was a dark and possibly-stormy night, unlike all those other not-dark nights where the sun's still shining at twelve in the fucking morning. Yami Yugi and Seto Kaiba stood several miles away from each other, between them was a massive dueling holographic simulation field that Kaiba made just to enrich the experience of a card game because that's just the kind of shit that happens when you give a tremendous nerd an infinite supply of yen.

"Yugi, prepare to experience dueling like you've never before-"

"WHAT?!"

Kaiba could barely see Yami, but it looked like he was putting a hand behind his ear and crooking it in Kaiba's direction. "I said, prepare to experience-"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Oh, for fuck- turn your intercom on!" Kaiba noticed that the light on his console indicating whether communication had been established with his opponent was red. It should have been green. If it's yellow, it means your opponent's fucking with you, just in case you were curious.

"TURN MY WHAT?!"

"TURN YOUR INTERCOM ON!"

"MY WHAT?!"

"INTER! COM!"

"Oh," said the pharaoh in a whisper. He looked around for a button that would allow him to do that.

"It's the button to the right of where you put your dueling deck!"

Yami appeared deeply confused. "WHAT ABOUT MY DICK?!"

Kaiba slammed the palm of his hand into his forehead, frustrated beyond belief. "NEXT TO YOUR DUELING DECK!"

"Oh, I see it now." Yami clicked the intercom button, and was greeted immediately by Kaiba's voice coming out of a speaker at the top left of the console. "There, now can we fucking duel?!" said Kaiba.

"Look, don't get mad!" Yami retorted. "You're the one that made us stand thousands of miles away from each other!"

"Uh…?"

"Meters! I meant meters!"

"Can we duel or are you just going to fuck up basic geometry?"

"Yes," said Yami ambiguously. And with that, they both drew their cards.

Kaiba: 2000
Yugi: 2000

"I'm going first," Kaiba said. "I summon-"

"No fair!"

Kaiba sighed, putting his intended card back in his hand. "It's my dueling platform, I'm going first."

"That's gay!"

Kaiba did a double take. "Y-you homophobe! Where did you even learn that phrase?!"

"Shh," said Yami. "You're not supposed to know I'm the pharaoh."

Kaiba sighed. "Look, I just kidnapped your grandfather and nearly card-gamed him to death. If I didn't hesitate to do that, what the hell makes you think I won't take the first turn just because I can?"

"Human decency?"

Yami had to turn his intercom off for about three minutes until Kaiba stopped gut-laughing. Not just because it sounded bad, either; even a guy so out of the loop as the trapped spirit of a five thousand-year-old pharaoh knew that the sound of Kaiba laughing was enough to drive anyone mad after prolonged exposure.

"Okay," said Yami at last, "I get the point. Just make your move. Jesus. We've been doing nothing but talking instead of playing the card game."

"Yeah, about that," Kaiba replied. "If you think this is bad, wait until later on in this damn series. It's going to take you five straight episodes to beat Pegasus with all the blabbering you'll both be doing. And don't fucking even get me started on Battle City."

"…What?"

Kaiba completely ignored the pharaoh. "I summon Hitotsu-Me Giant in attack mode!" The large green Cyclops made an appearance on the battlefield.

Hitotsu-Me Giant
ATK: 1200
DEF: Look, the goddamn thing's in attack mode, don't worry about it. Uh, I mean, 1000, I think.

"Oh, good," Yami sighed. "Now your one-eyed monster's all up in my face."

Kaiba did another evil gut laugh. "I told you I'd show you a dueling experience you never thought possible, Yugi."

"No, you didn't."

"Well, I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't turn on your fucking intercom. Your turn."

Yami shook his head as he drew. "Touchy bastard," he thought to himself. He looked at his hand and back up at Kaiba. His face slowly brightened up with a fascinating mixture of joy and disbelief. This was over.

"I summon my Dark Magician in attack mode!"

Dark Magician
ATK: 2500
DEF: No, he can hear fine. Erm, oh yeah, 2100.

"Next, I equip my magic card, Horn of the Unicorn!"

ATK: 3200
DEF: A HARD DICK. Get it, because it's "Horn" of the Unicorn and fucking I don't have to impress you

"No…" Kaiba whispered softly. "No, no…"

"Dark Magician! DARK MAGIC ATTACK!"

"No, no NO NOO NOOOO FUCK FUCK!"

But Kaiba's swears were too little, too late. Hitotsu Me Giant was destroyed, and with 2,000 attack points between the monsters, Kaiba was finished.

Kaiba: chump ass nigga
Yugi: 2000

"Ha ha!" Yami boasted. "I have defeated you, Kaiba!"

"BULLSHIT!" Kaiba screamed, bashing his fists against his console hard enough to make Yami flinch away from his intercom. "I call hacks! I want a mulligan! That wasn't a duel, that was a six-second suck fight!"

"Look, Kaiba-"

"Look nothing, you horrible bitch-man! I am the world champion of Duel Monsters, motherfucker, my coffee mug will concur with that! I am not going to accept a one-turn loss!"

"Any card you wanted," responded an exasperated Yami. "You could have put down anything in your hand that you wanted, no sacrifices, none of the stuff that's in the real game, and you chose a monster with 1,200 attack points."

"SO?!"

"I just think you're pissed at the wrong person."

"You goddamn prole! Are you saying I took away 2,000 of my life points in one turn?!"

Yami massaged his temples, tiring of Kaiba's raspy whine and hot, sexy bod- no, fuck you, this isn't that kind of fanfic. "You put a really weak monster in attack mode…"

Kaiba nearly yanked his hair out. "THAT'S WHAT THE PROS DO! I was toying with you! Don't you know a thing about Duel Monsters, you little simp?!"

"…You have no life points?"

"Fuck you, we're doing this again! Shuffle your deck!"

Yami's face went ultra-serious. "No chance, Kaiba! MIND CRUSH!"

And with that, Kaiba's evil was- well, diminished slightly. And turned into a clown. Don't ask me why. Anyway, the poor bastard never quite recovered his manhood. Too bad for him.

THE END