Ladies and gentlemen, the time has finally come. This collaboration has been in the works for several months, but now it is finally done. We have a wonderful lineup of writers who assisted in the writing of this fic including, thewhitepatch, Civilized Lee, WhimsicalMayhem, and your humble narrator, Foryewhoartliterate.

What you are about to read is a fic set within an alternate universe where the Vault Hunters actually did all of Claptrap's ridiculous quest objectives in order to gain access to his Super Secret Stash (a quick thank you to lovelivelife for the fic idea).

So, now I give you, Claptrap's Secret Stash.

We collectively don't own Borderlands.


Claptrap's Secret Stash

The Vault Hunters stood, assembled together in Claptrap's place. They were waiting impatiently for the robot to arrive. He said that he had a quest to give them and that the reward would top all of the quests that they had ever done before.

Claptrap rolled into the area and up to the front of the Vault Hunters.

"Minions!" He announced. "I have a quest for you! One that involves danger, loot, badasses, and rocks!"

"Rocks?" Gaige questioned.

"Let's hear it." Axton said.

"I have a Super Secret Stash, hidden very, very far away from here. I want you guys to have it. But, before I give it to you, I'm going to need you to complete a few tasks for me."

"Such as?" Maya asked.

"Well, first you're going to need to collect a few brown rocks for me. 139,377 of them to be exact! Then you'll need to defeat a badass skag. More specifically, this really big one that's named Ug-Thak Lord of Skags. Then you'll need to pilfer the Lost Staff of Mount Schuller. Then, bring me the head of the Destroyer of Worlds! Then you must dance for my enjoyment! Mwhahahaha!"

The Vault Hunters stared at him for a moment.

"Is that it?" Axton asked.


"Is the stash actually worth it?" Maya asked.

"Most definitely!"

Claptrap rolled away from the Vault Hunters and back into the street.

"Have fun completing the quests my loyal minions!" He yelled as he rolled away.

"Alright, I think the best way to do this is to split up." Axton said. "Maya and I will collect the rocks, Sal and Krieg can kill Ug-Thak Lord of Skags, and Gaige and Zer0 can get the lost staff."

"Hold it." Gaige said. "Why do you get the easy job and the pretty girl?"

"Um... Thanks?" Maya said.

"Because I'm the leader."

"Who put you in charge?"

"She's got a point there." Sal said.

"Fine. We'll change it. Zer0 and Maya can go get the staff, Sal and you can go collect rocks and Krieg and I will kill Ug-Thak."

"HAPPY DAY!" Krieg yelled.

"I don't want to get the staff." Maya said. "I want to kill something."

"Fine you kill Ug-Thak with Krieg."


Maya cringed.

"Can I maybe do that with Zer0 instead?"

Axton sighed.

"Fine. You and Zer0 kill Ug-Thak, Sal and I will collect rocks, and Gaige and Krieg will get the staff. Any objections? No? Good."

"What about the Destroyer of Worlds?" Gaige asked.

"We'll kill him as a group. Cause, you know, kill Destroyer of Worlds and take his head doesn't exactly sound like a two man job."

"Good enough. But what about dancing?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anymore questions?"

There was a chorus of "no's" from the Vault Hunters.

"Great. Let's split up and go get us a Secret Stash."

Foryewhoartliterate: I have the odd feeling that this won't be worth it…