AN: Hi. I'm having Disney World inspired flashbacks. It's A Small World is haunting my dreams.
I was being silly. My irrational sadness over not getting into a doctorate program was silly. Actually, it was a relief in a way. Instead of drinking happily in Forks, I could be typing about the subculture of people who need validation in the form of degrees from academia. My friends here, both old and new, were pretty incredible and odd. Their oddness made them endearing. I should toast them! I dribbled vodka down my chin. What a waste!
There was something else good here.
Edward! I loved that guy and I sometimes loved that stringy addition on the back of his head.
The real problem was apparent now. I hated to fail. Failing was the one thing I didn't do and here I was doing it again. First with James and now with not getting the word 'doctor' stuck in front of my name. Doctor Bella. Doctor Swan. Doctor Cullen. Hmm—
I wonder if Edward would like to play doctor?
What was I thinking? Right! If the cosmos had any justice, I would have ended my marriage with James first and he wouldn't have gotten in to six different doctorate programs. Ivy League doctorate programs to be exact.
That mother fucker.
I need to point out that I don't often curse. At this moment, it feels right. It is also an accurate representation of my opinion of James. The vodka tonics are making my head say vulgar things, but they are yummy.
"Mother fucker!" I sang into my book light.
I want some more cursing juice, but I can't get off the floor. Maybe I should be sitting on a couch?
Couches need wheels. I could just push a bottom and I would zoom to the liquor cabinet. I should invent one. Screw analyzing my fellow man and writing about all their faults. Instead I will invent things to make getting wasted easier and safer. Wheel Couch will be heralded as an award winning product that will help society from tripping and breaking bones when drinking extra-dry Martinis. I think that's right. Dry martinis. Aren't they a liquid? I don't drink those things. I feel dizzy.
It doesn't matter. I'm a fuc . . . Freaking genius! I'm censoring myself again. I need more happy juice.
"I told you this would happen, Edward!" Angela walked into my closet sanctuary followed by lover boy.
Did I forget to add that I was hiding in a dark closet, reading with a book light, and drinking my tonic out if a large, pink plastic cup? It was comfy place. My Bella cave was a dark catacomb of perfect ideas.
"Baby, what are you doing in here?" Edward knelt next to me and stroked my hair. It felt lovely. I want to nap.
"Drinkin' and readin', my main man! Want some?" I held up my cup and realized it was light as a feather. "It's empty! Damn it!"
Edward was like a shadow. I couldn't see his mullet. I tried to feel it in my fingers. "Drunk Bella needs to come home with me so I can take care of her."
"The drinking isn't the problem!" Angela explained. "It's the books she's reading!"
"I like to read. Its fundamental, waitress," I held up my cup. "Excuse me, Miss, may I have some more."
"You're reading, Flowers in the Attic!" Angela was clutching her hands in frustration. It made me giggle.
I ignored her and grabbed Edward's face. "Beloved Edward, the mean grandmother locked those poor children in an attic. Why would anyone ever do that?"
"Bella, the brother and sister have sex!" Angela exclaimed.
It would have be kinder if Angela had told me she was planning to spoil the book. That would be proper reading etiquette when discussing literature. However, what she spoiled was gross. I dropped the book on the ground like it had just burnt me. "That's gross! That was a waste of a dollar at the library book sale. I bought the sequels too! I would have been better off with some steamy romances. Edward, you want to act some out?"
He ignored my eyebrow wiggle and the seductive stare I attempted. My eyelids were twitching. Instead, he place his hands on my waist. "Let's get you to bed and hydrate you."
"No bed!" I bit his ear. "Goody! Closet sex! Ang, close your eyes and turn around. Don't be scared by the noises. We're like rutting piggies!"
Once again, I couldn't stop laughing. I snorted like one of those piggies.
"This is what happens when Bella thinks she's a loser! We lost a university academic trivia contest and she got drunk like this! That is understandable, but she started reading Nicholas Sparks."
My eyes started watering thinking about his stories. "You shut your mouth, Weber! That man gives me all the feels!"
My head went into Edward's lap. Comfy cozy.
"Bella—" he began.
"Why aren't you happy to see me?" I mumbled into his jeans.
He didn't say anything at first. "I'm always happy to see you. Why are you talking like this?"
"You aren't poking me in the nose." I pressed my nose on his nonexistent erection.
"Up you go, girl." Edward lifted me up in his arms. "Tomorrow is Operation Happy Bella. Tonight is Sober Bella Up Fast."
I started stroking his mullet. "This thing gags me. Is it trying to murder me, because you love me more than your excess hair? I love your face, Edward Cullen. More importantly, I love you too."
"I love you, Bella. I'll do anything for you, baby. Right now, I want to help you avoid a hangover."
He carried me into his bedroom and put me on the navy comforter. It was a boy color. I smiled at the pictures of us he framed and put on the dresser. I moved my hand over the fabric. It felt like a cloud. "Soft. . . Edward, I hate 50 Shades of Gray."
"Umm . . . Okay." He pulled off my shirt.
"I'll grab water and Tylenol," Angela said. What a good friend! Top notch! I should bake her chocolate chip cookies. I would burn them, but maybe she could scrap off the burnt parts with a knife.
It hit me as he pulled one of his old Metallica tee-shirts over my head.
"Don't paint the room red or get black satin sheets!" I cried. "I don't think floggers are okay!"
"Neither do I! Why would you think—"
I put a pillow over my head and mumbled.
Edward pulled my soft shield away from my face. "What?"
"That fuckwit beat the idiot with things. Why didn't she run?" I threw an arm over my face. "I wasted a quarter on it."
Edward started curled up around me. "I love you, crazy."
"Good. Can I throw up now?"
My stomach was flipping and flopping. I heard the doorbell ring.
Angela called to us, "I'll get it!"
There was quiet, then angry mumblings. I wanted pizza. "Is Ang yelling at a delivery guy? Did he forget my pepperoni?"
I pushed up using Edward's chest and stumbled off the bed. I was walking on the ocean. Where were the singing mermaids and talking lobsters? I would eat that lobster.
Edward quickly followed and held me upright. "Did you order a pizza, baby?"
"Nope! I wished for it! I bet it comes true, because I wished for you and you are here!" I continued forward to the sound of the voices. "I wished on my book light. It looked like a star."
Glancing over to Edward, I saw him beaming. Even with my queasy and still hungry stomach, I had to smile too.
That was until I saw who Angela was fighting with.
It was not a pizza delivery guy.
Blond hair cut short, glasses perched on his nose, and wearing an ugly cardigan stood a man. A nerdy man that I had boring sex with. It was James.
One look at him and I was pissed. It was a righteous fire, because damn it, James was interrupting the good sex I could have with Edward.
"You mother fucker! Go away! I'm going to have sex now!" I rushed over and screamed like a rabid animal. "You are going to be the worse doctor ever!"
Then I laughed. That cardigan was stupid and hideous. I laughed harder.
My stomach was twisting harder and then it happened.
I threw up on that ugly sweater.
Wiping my face with the bottom of Edward's shirt, I giggled again at James's disgusted face.
"Edward, that's my ex-husband. Ex-husband, that is Edward. He's the man I'm in love with. You two chat or Edward has my permission to glare at you. Maybe he can punch you in the face, James. His choice, because Edward is the best. I need to wash my mouth out with pomegranate seltzer."
It felt awesome to throw up. It felt glorious that it was on James. Oh happy day!
Until I threw up on my toes. Yuck.