A Cure For a Summer Cold

"Daaarrreeeaaaa!" Quinn whined with all the force of an annoying eight year old.

"What?" Daria growled, not bothering to look up from her copy of Magic Kitten By Sue Bentley.

"Do you know a way to get rid of this horrible summer cold?"

"No."

"Daaaarrrreeeeaaaa!"

Daria sighed and was tempted to use bad language.

Then her eyes gleamed as a wonderfuly evil idea came to mind.

"On second thought, yet. I do know a way."

Quinn began to smile, then her dreaded summer cold made her sneeze violently, getting snot on Daria's bookcover.

Daria hid her surge of rage and said sweetly, "Have you ever heard of bloodletting?"

"Nope!"

Daria made a Mona Lisa smile and began to explain...


Several Years Later...

"And by the time the ambulance arrived, Quinn had lost nearly half the blood in her body." Daria said with relish, "She almost died."

"Now there's a pity." Jane replied with a shrug, "If she had the insurance money would have paid for a lot."

Daria nodded, "Like a new house, and we could have been friends for a lot longer."

Jane sighed, "Why didn't she die like she should have?"

Daria shrugged, "Because good things happen to cute people for no other reason than their cuteness."

"And they can be as dumb as they wish." Jane added morosely, "God this world sucks."

There was a moment of silence.

And then...

"Fuck it." Daria said suddenly, "Lets just find my sister, kill her, and make it look like a suicide."

Jane chuckled darkly, "I'm so in!"

And that's why a day later Helen found a pool of blood in Quinn's room with a note reading, "I realized last night that I suck and stuff, so that's why I slit my wrists, let myself bleed out and junk, and then threw myself in the bushes outside to rot so the birds can eat me and junk. Love, Quinn."

Helen just shook her head, "Nice try Daria, but Quinn's too stupid to write a letter OR kill herself successfully."

She stared at the note for a minute before grabbing a pad of paper and began to write a new version with fewer words and cute hearts and smiley faces.

"There!" Helen chirped with a triumphant grin, "This is more believable."

As she planted the new note and began to work herself up into a good wail, she felt really good since it meant that the worst failure in her life would be gone forever and ever.

"Now I can work on making my smarter daughter a bit more social. Full time." Helen thought happily.

Until her phone rang and she forgot all about it.

FIN and fade to the lalalaLAlala...