So Much Explained

Disclaimer, everything you recognize belongs to S.E. Hinton.
A/N....this was not written this way to please the flamers, it was all part of my plan.

* Soda's POV*

Hey Pepsi-Cola, you awake?
I could hear Darry's voice sounding much softer than it usually does.
I nodded slowly.
Getting there, did I fall asleep?
I heard a sigh
No, the doctors had to sedate you with a shot
Darry didn't let them?
I know how much you hate that kind of thing, but you were getting hysterical
Yeah, but just because of.....
My throat caught
Oh god.....Ponyboy
The tears spilled out of my eyes like hot rain.
No, it'll be like last time, they'll say he's dead, then he'll be fine
No....Soda....Pony's gone
His words sounded strange, cut up almost.
But why....he wasn't sick,
Yeah he was....and the doctors.....oh god
Darry broke down sobbing
I opened my eyes and stared at Darry in shock. Where was my rock, my pillar? there something else? I asked
He removed his hands from his face
The doctor told me that the drug they were using on Pony was still in its experimental caused the lab mice's hearts to eventually stop in the tests they ran, they didn't think it'd have the same effect on humans
The last part was said bitterly

I was right....they did kill him
I've been mad before, angry even. But this was something different all together. This was pure rage and fury, blinding me. My vision was blurred and I didn't give a damn.
I know, but theres nothing we can do about it, they're probably going to get rid of the drug and not say a word to anyone
Its not right, I know Pony had a chance of coming back home
Even after that whole Hannah incident Darry agreed.
Yeah, do you really think he loved her more than us? I asked
Darry pulled me into a hug. It felt awkward at first and then it became more relaxed.
I don't know what to think any more little buddy he said softly
They barely knew eachother, I thought we were important to him
All of a sudden I hated the dead girl named Hannah.
I don't think it was love...maybe not even friendship, they both just needed someone to talk to, but then what do I know?
You know a lot Darry, I assured him
Thanks, I wish I knew more about this, it doesn't seem like reality anymore...more like a bad soap opera
I tiredly wiped my eyes.
I wish they'd canceled the soap opera a few weeks ago, I said

Darry rubbed my arm
I know...its hard letting go,
If he need someone to talk to, I was there I said and stared at my hands.
The lines seemed to further every time I looked.
I know, and Pony did too....but were you going through what he was going through? Darry asked gently, I said sadly
Thats why he went to Hannah, they needed eachother
I was so sick of all this Hannah bullshit. As far as I'm concerned, both she and the doctors took my little brother from me.
I needed him too! I yellled
Soda.... Darry began
No, Darry! Pony left us, I don't care if that drug stopped his heart, he would've found a way to die anyway! I want to hate him Darry, I want to so bad it hurts, but I can't!! I yelled

Then I saw the look Darry was giving me. His eyes were full pity, love, sadness, anger, disgust, etc. A mixture of emotions all reserved for me. I took a deep breath.
Darry, quit looking at me like that I said
He was starting to make me nervous.
Like what? he asked curiously
Finally he averted his eyes.
I can't explain it, but I almost can, its the look you gave Pony when we took him to the hospital that first time, but its different.
Darry didn't say anything.
Where are we anyway? I asked him, quickly changing the subject.
The doctors loungue, they come here to try to sleep whenever they have free time
What else could I say?
So....where's the gang?
Don't know really, they said we should have some time alone and they went somewhere
That's tuff
Darry, what if one day I forget what Pony looks like, I blurted out
Where did that come from?
I was just thinking, I told him
Pony was a part of the family, how could you forget what he looks like, he was our brother, we loved him, he loved us and......
Darry was babbling now
This time I was the one who touched his arm in reassurance that it would all be all right.
I didn't want to tell you this, but sometimes I can't remember what Mom and Dad looked like without looking at their picture first Darry admited.
I was curious now.
Why not Darry....its happened to me a few times, maybe it even happened to Pony....we just......
No! I just. I'm your guardian Sodapop, I shouldn't let emotions get in the way of taking good care of you he interrupted
You must've been very emotional with Pony I retorted
He looked at me with pain in his eyes. It wasn't directed towards me or anyone else. It was something entirely his own and he was letting me see it. I now understood that phrase Pony once said about the eyes being the window to the soul.
Darry, I didn't mean.....
You didn't mean to, right? he asked
All of a sudden there was a bad taste in my mouth.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I forgot....
Darry's voice from the past echoed around me like a ghost.
I closed my eyes and saw the whole god forsaken scene over again.
Pony coming home late, Darry yelling at him, my defense of Pony, Pony's defense of me, Darry slapping Pony and then the door slamming shut.
That slap and that door were two of the worst sounds I'd ever heard. At the time they didn't seem that bad, only the situation. Now however, I remember the sounds in my mind. They play like a broken record, just to torment me. The sharp clapping sound of the slap, and the way the door swung on its hinges for a second then slammed into the wall.
I'm thirsty, I need a drink I said and walked out of the room, my eyes spilling hot rain once again.

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