Disclaimer: Not Mine
A/N: Thank you to JediSapphire for the quick beta
Summary: What happens after that last scene. Tag to 9.13 The Purge
Dean awoke surprised he'd even fallen asleep with Sam's words from last night echoing in his head. He guessed the amount of liquor he consumed afterwards had something to do with that. It certainly was responsible for waking him up as he stumbled into the bathroom to relieve his full bladder and then to shave and shower.
He was going out for the day but first he needed to talk to Sam.
Dean found his brother in the library reading and asked if he could have a few words with him, knowing the only words Dean planned on saying were his own and wanting to give Sam the day to think about them.
"What is it?" Sam marked his place in the book and gave Dean his full attention.
"I was thinking about what you said last night."
"Dean, please," Sam fought another confrontation, his tired looking features told Dean he had very little sleep too.
"Just hear me out. That's all I ask," Dean made his request short and to the point.
Sam nodded he would.
"At first I couldn't wrap my head around it." Dean began as he took a seat opposite Sam. "That you could actually think I saved your life for the purely selfish reason of not wanting to be alone. But then I realized deep down you know that it's not true. But its the only conclusion you could come to because you don't see yourself as worth saving and I'm in part responsible for that with how I've treated you in the past. The things I've said and didn't say."
"That you could even ask me Sammy what the up side is of you being alive. It just ripped me up inside how little you judge your self-worth."
"I heard what you said to death. That you didn't want anyone else to get hurt because of you and now you keep telling me how you were ready to die. Like its something you talked yourself into, convinced somehow, the world would be a safer place without you in it. When nothing could be further from the truth, when you do so much good and have helped far more people than you hurt. But here's something else for you to consider. What about all the people who'll get hurt or killed by some monster if you're not around to help them? That we as a hunting team are not around to do so?"
"And what about the Angels? They have been the main source of this world's misery and our suffering since they decided to bring on the Apocalypse by using me and you to do it. You got to let go of the guilt Sammy as there is plenty of blame to go around and most of it lies with the Angels. What would make this world a safer and much better place to live in is you and me figuring out a way to remove Metatron and sending all those Dicks back where they belong for good."
"I am sorry for the lying and tricking you into saying yes. I hated doing both, and I'm sorry for ditching you right after you kicked out Gadreel and for acting like an ass when we were helping Garth. But I'm not and never will I be sorry for saving you.
You are my brother and like you once said to me. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you."
Sam's original expression of being put off and defiant had yielded to sadness and puppy dog eyes. A sign that told Dean he had reached him.
"I said enough," Dean grabbed his jacket. "I'm going to pick up a few parts for baby that I ordered and run a few other errands. I had the night to think about what you said, you take the day to think about what I just did."
"No, don't say anything, just think about it and what you want. Me, I know. I want to fix this, fix us. You are my family and this is our home and I'm going to fight for that like I should have right away. So I'll be back about dinner time and I'll bring us a pizza."
Dean climbed the steps but stopped mid way and turned to look at Sam," I can't begin to understand how you see your life as having so little worth. When I see it as worth everything."
Dean got back at dinner time like he said and as promised bearing Pizza.
"Hey," Sam looked up from his laptop.
"Hey," Dean answered moving down the steps, and placing the box on the table along with a six-pack of beer he picked up.
When Sam closed his laptop Dean spotted two plates and napkins. His brother was prepared and waiting for him and for some reason that made Dean smile.
Dean grabbed a couple of beers and removed the caps while Sam grabbed the plates and placed a slice on each for him and Dean.
"Here you go," Sam placed the dish in front of his brother as Dean placed the beer in front of Sam.
"Hey we're a pretty good team even when it comes to dinner," Dean chuckled. When he looked up he saw in Sam's eyes what he'd been feeling, the sadness of wanting things to be right between them.
"Dean," Sam spoke softly. "I didn't mean it when I said the only reason you saved me was so you wouldn't be alone."
"I know, its okay."
"No it's not. I was angry and..."
"...there was a time my behavior gave you reason to believe that." Dean finished his brother's thought.
Sam didn't confirm it but the hurt in his eyes did. But he continued, wanting to finish his explanation. "I never felt that I had much control over my life and to not even have it in death." Dean looked away Sam's honesty stung and his eyes filled with tears.
"I didn't mean to hurt you Dean, "Sam instinctively reached out to touch Dean's arm.
"Its okay," Dean patted his brother's hand. "I want you to be honest with me."
"You said a lot of things Dean, some that rang true, that made me think."
Dean didn't say anything he just let his brother talk.
"I know you had to make some tough calls in the hospital that day,and make them quick and you chose to save my life the only way possible and I can't be mad at you for that. You are my big brother protecting me it's what you do."
Dean warmed by his brothers words closed his eyes in relief. They were making progress.
"But I'm still pissed off about the lying and the way you tricked me into saying yes," San said not hiding his anger.
"I deserve it."
"And ditching me, ditching us and after everything you said in the church!" Sam was angry but it was the hurt that came through the loudest."I trusted you! I chose you instead of closing the hellgates and you just walked away. How can I trust you to not walk away again?"
"It was a dick move. A major one," Dean conceded. "I don't know what I was thinking Sammy walking away. You are the most important person in my life,my only family. I just though you'd be better off and safer without me. I just wasn't thinking. As for the trust I'll earn it back, as long as it takes."
Dean knew there was more Sam wanted to say and by how upset he looked, maybe something he's needed to get out for a long time.
Dean moved into the chair next to his brother, "What is it Sam?"
"You were right about the guilt Dean. I feel like it's pulling me under like I'm in quick sand. The harder I try to make things right and fail the deeper I sink."
"Talk to me," Dean gently urged him in words only, not sure of his physical boundaries with Sam now. Then he waited while Sam struggled with a place to start.
"I set Lucifer free," Sam blurted out.
"Yes unknowingly and with a lot of help and you paid for it with almost two centuries of torture in hell."
"And then I came back soulless."
"And we know what Angel was responsible for that."
"It's not about the blame Dean. I hurt people and did bad things, some I don't even know about when I was soulless and I tried to make things right, we tried and I couldn't."
"Yes because you got a face full of hell and almost died trying."
"The grace Castiel found inside me left by Gadreel we could've used it to find him, to fix this. I could have begun to repay the debt for Kevin's death and for not closing the hell gates when I had the chance. I just wanted to do this one thing right Dean and I asked Castiel to help me. But I couldn't even do my part. I couldn't hold out long enough for him to retrieve enough grace.
"You mean Castiel stopped and healed you fully before the extraction killed you. I did talk to him." Dean shock his head in disbelief but he couldn't be angry not even after listening to Sam's distorted version of the history of Sam. His brother was hurting and needed to vent.
"I just want to make things right Dean," Sam said lowering his head looking completely defeated.
"Sammy look at me," Dean gently but sternly asked and waited until he saw his brothers eyes. "Kevin's death is not your fault, and as for the hell gates I talked you out of closing them. I still feel you and me together are the best weapon against evil and now our biggest threat isn't whats behind the hellgates but rather who should be behind the pearly gates.
"As for making things right Sammy there is no such thing. You can't fix what can't be undone. I know. I had to learn to live with what I did in Hell and it's not as often but I still see the faces of the souls I tortured and hear their screams and I remember how much I began to enjoy doing horrific things to them. But I had to accept these were things I could never change or even the scales on, no matter how many monsters I killed or people I saved. Because there was no way for me to repay that debt or make things right Sammy.
But there is accepting that you can't and moving forward and doing the best you can now and you do so much good Sammy. Like I said you are capable of anything."
Sam unexpectedly found some peace in the harsh yet hope filled words his brother said to him and with this connection they shared.
Sam offered a thanks with a shy half-smile.
"Anytime." Dean answered wondering if the kid had any idea how much he loved him.
"Dean, you can't blame yourself for Kevin's death. You made a decision in the worst of circumstances to save my life and unless you have the ability to see into the future there was no way of you knowing the Angel wasn't who he said he was. As for the hell gates I chose not to close them. I chose us Dean. I want to fix us too."
"Then we'll work on it until we do. Okay?" Dean smiled at Sam, gently pushing the hair out of his face. Then with seeing how his brother didn't pull away but fell into his touch Dean pulled Sam into his arms and held him tight.
"Okay," Sam answered softly wrapping his arms tightly around Dean.