It was all a lie
"If you really existed, you would have helped me…It's a lie." Derek Morgan enters a church and confronts his feelings about religion, remembering how he felt betrayed by God and finally accept to talk about it to someone close.
WARNING: There is mention of a paedophile priest, to those who could see this one-shot as an offense: I perfectly know priests are not all paedophiles, I know some are nice people who want to help others around them. So don't flames me and insult me.
Derek Morgan was standing there, looking at the cross.
It represented Jesus dying, crucified. The benches were empty, some candles were glowing in addition to the lighting of electric lamps, and if to some, the atmosphere would have appeared soothing and maybe warm, it was oppressing to Morgan.
He was looking at this, and couldn't help but tighten his fists in anger. He had to interrogate a priest for the case they had been working on earlier. Four kids had been raped and murdered; four kids who would never make it to ten. At first, he was supposed to consider the reverend as a potential witness only, but as soon as he saw him, Morgan felt it. He felt that he was the guilty one.
When he had told the team, they were quite reluctant to believe him, knowing he had something against religion. Only Reid and Garcia listened to him and thanks to the tech analysis, they discovered that the guy, Reverend Leaks, had already been arrested once for inappropriate behaviour toward kids.
They finally cracked the case and discovered that Leaks had a partner. Both men had been arrested and had finally confessed. Reid had handled the interrogation with the Reverend, feeling Morgan wouldn't like to do it and even if he would never voice it out, Derek was thankful he had done it.
He couldn't describe the loath he felt for the man. What he had done was completely despicable, he was talking about goodness and was blaming people for their sins, and with that he was abusing kids who were innocents. Just like Buford did…
He sighed and closed his eyes. He didn't even really know what he was doing here, he had come to confront his repulsion of churches, but now that he was here, he just didn't know what to do.
He stayed on his feet, looking at the crucified Jesus. When he was a kid, he always felt uneasy before the sight of the crucified messiah, he wondered why a God supposed to be the one who would bring salvation was represented dying and miserable. His mother explained it was because people had to remember he sacrificed his life for humanity. Even with this explanation, young Derek still considered this as morbid and wrong, only he never voiced it out. You don't have the right to judge God and the way he wants to be represented.
However, after it happened, he began to judge God and religion. Why wasn't God helping him? Why did God allow such a thing? First his father's death, and when he thought he had found another fatherly figure, he got completely and utterly betrayed. He hadn't deserved this; Derek was sure of that in spite of everything Buford told him:
You're the one who made me go crazy, Derek
It's for your own good; you'll thank me one day
You are so beautiful…
Remembering those words made him want to puke. Each time he would go to church after some 'special time' with Buford, he would feel dirtier than ever, it was as if Jesus's eyes were boring through him, seeing and revealing his shame to everyone else. Each time they would go to church, he wanted to leave badly but couldn't. He couldn't because his mother and sisters would have gotten suspicious and ask him questions and then…He didn't want them to know, so he would stay, he was forced to, and it made him feel like the air was dense, too dense, he felt almost dizzy and unable to breath.
To try to feel better, he spent all the time in church convincing himself mentally that Jesus didn't exist, that he wasn't looking through him, that a church was just an empty place, shallow of a meaning. It was just a whole lie. The feeling of suffocation didn't disappear, maybe because he was still obliged to stay in the middle of those peoples who were praying to someone who didn't exist.
He would often see Carl Buford and this was disgusting him, the man looked pious and yet he was doing those horrid things. Derek hated him and realised that religion was also very hypocrite. So Carl could actually go to Heaven if he prayed for forgiveness? This could make his blood boil. That's how he realised that God, the Bible and religion was all a lie.
Some tears formed in his eyes when he thought about it, he contained its but his heart felt heavier. It was all a lie, if there had been a man named Jesus, he was no son of God and he died for humanity's sins, he died for nothing. Well nothing except to fool everyone.
"If you really existed, you would have helped me…It's a lie," murmured he.
The voice behind him made him jump in surprise; he turned round to see Reid standing behind him. He felt ashamed at the idea that Reid might have heard him.
"Reid…What are you doing here?"
"I was looking for you, what are you doing here?"
"Nothing," he replied abruptly.
Reid just nodded and looked past Morgan to the cross.
"You know, when I was a kid I wasn't really at ease with religion. My mother and my father taught me about it, taught me about the Bible, we would go to the mass, but I wasn't sure."
Morgan listened to what Reid was saying without a word, quite curious.
"I still am, you know me I am a scientist and religion isn't something I can explain…But when I was a kid, there was also the fact that I couldn't understand why God wasn't helping me and more especially my mother. People were often laughing at her behind her back you know, and when I saw them at church, I wondered how they couldn't realise it was a sin to mock someone sick. I also wondered why their kids didn't realise that hurting me was wrong. Church was supposed to teach you morals but it wasn't efficient apparently. Maybe that's why I rely so much on science, science gives results."
Morgan was feeling tired, however Reid's presence smoothened the anger. He was sad for the genius too, because religion had deceived him too.
"I won't disagree on that."
Reid looked at him expectantly.
"You were thinking about him, weren't you?"
In normal time, Morgan would have rejected any discussion about this, he would have been aggressive and angry, but here, he felt different. It was maybe because Reid told him about his feelings, made him understand he wasn't the only one who was deceived with religion. Maybe it was also because he needed it, maybe because Reid was like the brother he never had.
"I would see him often at church, praying like a good man and everyone thought he was one, everyone but me. I just wanted to yell out at everyone that he was faking it. I wondered why God wasn't helping me."
Reid was quite amazed to obtain so much from Morgan, his friend was usually too proud to talk about his feelings, and with Buford, it was simply confidential.
"So like me, you began to think God didn't exist."
"You don't seem really convinced of it anymore," stated Derek.
"Well…You remember when I was taken by Tobias Hankle?"
"Reid, I'll remember that until my last day, believe me."
It was true, he had rarely been that afraid than during this bloody case.
"Well, when I got this fit, I almost died and Tobias gave me CPR. For some times I think I was…Maybe clinically dead or at the verge of it, and I saw things."
"Things?" Repeated Derek who got completely struck at those words
"It's strange but I saw lights and it was…Warm. I saw shadowy figures and I even heard voices…"
A short silence settled between them.
"You never told me about this."
"I am not the only one who keeps some things silent. Plus I am a scientist as I told you, I can't explain it. I am not telling you that I believe God exist because of it. Yet I wonder about some things now, I guess nothing can be granted for sure."
Derek nodded again and gulped. The uncomfortable feeling hadn't died down, yet it had lessened, talking with Reid had soothed him a little. He looked around to be sure no one was here and spoke again with some difficulty:
"I had the impression that God was looking right through me and you can't imagine the shame I was feeling. It was a little better when I realised that there was no one, yet my mother, my sisters all believed in him and…"
He sighed and looked down, not daring to cross Reid's eyes.
"I felt a wall between me and them after Buford. I had a big secret and I couldn't tell them how I felt. I couldn't tell anyone. When I lost faith, I felt even more distanced from them because they still believed and I was faking it. There was a whole part of me they didn't know. I felt like they were getting fooled by all this."
"Why did you come here?"
Reid's question was a tough one. Derek was still unsure, he looked at the Cross again and after a silence he finally found something to say:
"I think I wanted to face those feelings. Now I am just feeling tired."
"You know you're not alone."
For the first time since the case began, Derek genuinely smiled. That, at least, was true. It was funny, if someone had told him years ago that he would confess that kind of things to Reid, he would have laughed. Yet it made sense now, both Reid and Derek had went through abuse as kids and both had been forced to keep it silent from their family.
"Come on, let's get out."
Reid agreed silently and they went outside. Once out, the feeling of suffocation disappeared and Derek felt better. He and Reid didn't talk much on the way to join the rest of the team; they just enjoyed a comfortable silence. It was the first time Morgan felt comfortable after talking about what happened to him, yet he was. All in all, that trip to the church did him good.
Hope you enjoyed! Review please!
This fic was inspired by the song 'Lies' by Evanescence, and by my own problem with churches. For a long time, each time I entered one I would feel some kind of faintness. There is only in big churches like cathedral that I was okay, now it lessened. Am I the only one?