I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.

It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV.

by solange channonix

The war finally ended, for good. I hope that for good. It was calm for the last few years, peace was never disturbed and I want things to stay that way. I'm partially through the theology at the university and I want to finish it. I don't want to fight anymore, not that I could if necessary after we destroyed the Gundams. Anyway... We all went on with our lives, I hear sometimes from the others, especially Quatre, but, strangely for me, from Wu and Trowa as well. Only Heero doesn't give the signs of being alive. And I'm not the only one who doesn't know where has he gone after out last fight. If he wouldn't contact with me I would understand, after what happened between us it's hard to except we'll be friends, but he just disappeared, and even Relena knows nothing about his whereabouts. It seemed he had a thing for her, for a long time, they had a chance to be together and instead of that, he disappeared and left her alone. If he's alive, and I bet he is, I can't understand him. Unless he felt nothing for her, which isn't that impossible... I know something of it... I know something about him no one else knows, and would ever know, as neither of us will ever tell anyone. It was a shameful experience for both of us... but I still think it was worse for me. I know something about Heero, about what love means for him, and having that knowledge, I think Relena should consider herself happy of the fact he just left her. I would want things to be like that for me as well. If I could change anything in my past, that would be what I'd have changed, I'd have made him never coming close to me, never destroying what I felt for him, and what was my first real love, something more than a mere crush, something that never happened to me again, something so wonderful, that though painful, I wanted to keep it deep in my heart forever, never fulfilled, made only of dreams. But he had to come and take it away from me, like everything else had been taken away from me before... On that night, I'm never going to forget...

That night, which was following the day very much alike any other day during the war: mission to complete, luckily completed, checking Gundams after the fight, lunch, a bit of spare time which, as far as I can remember, I spent playing basketball with some kids met by chance, and that's all. I came back for night around 9 pm, finding Heero in our room, sitting at the computer, getting details for the next mission. I went to take a shower, then dried and combed my hair, which took me another hour, then I came back to the room and read a book till the midnight passed. Heero was still typing, and it didn't seem like if he was going to stop anytime soon. He was getting a lot of details for that mission, it had to be something particularly complicated. I sighed, another hard task to perform. How many more days like that could I stand, for how long could I approach my limits before passing them and getting killed somewhere on Earth, so far away from my home ? It was tiring to be Shinigami. I wanted holidays from it, I wanted to rest, and I wanted to sleep right then, which Heero was efficiently making impossible with his tapping on the keyboard, strangely loud in the silence of the night, and the lamp on the table turned on and dazzling me. I yawned and changed position, lying on my stomach. That way I could at least see him and drooling in him was a good way to spend some time for me. I could do this for hours, watching him and daydreaming. Having that knowledge that he was so close while I was getting aroused by the visions of him and me... uhm... doing stuff... was making it even better. I took loose strands out of my eyes with my hand and traced his slight figure with my eyes, starting at the unruly hair, going through the fine profile, his chest, not exactly hidden under revealing top, to his spandex clad legs. At the moment, I didn't care if he felt my eyes on him or not. More, I wanted him to feel it and notice what he was doing to me, and love me back. But it was only another dream concerning him. He was straight, I was sure about it, and, he had a thing for that girl, Relena or something. Beside that, even if he would have been interested in guys, why would he have looked at me like that ? Me ? All too cheerful jester with weird hair and eyes ? Maybe I could have some giggling girls attracted to me, maybe, but not him. I was always only pissing him off, one single thing I was good at. He had to be at least annoyed with me, which he wasn't hiding, or maybe even he hated me. Definitely, he wasn't a good person for me to fall in love with, but, as everyone else, I had no control over it, and it was already too late, I couldn't help it. I loved him. Feelings for him were already there, and I wanted him, badly. One could reflect why. What so special I saw in him ? This was a question I was posing myself quite often lately. He wasn't that handsome to fall for him for his mere appearance, was he ? Sure, these Prussian blue eyes, cold, and strangely bottomless, making me want to drown in them forever, weren't something common, and one could call them beautiful, but what more was there ? Nothing special. There was plenty of guys that were way better looking than him. So, something else about him ? He was so distant that all that could be said was that he was an antisocial, cold, suicidal freak, maybe a good soldier, but totally fucked up as a man. Maybe I wasn't normal myself, feeling sometimes like if there were two of us, one cheerful and outgoing, and another me, cold and deadly, sometimes called Shinigami, or maybe rather, they were my two masks, and real me... isn't what I want to talk about right now. Maybe one day, maybe later... Maybe... So why did I love Heero ? Because I felt lost and disoriented in the world, having no one to lead me, ever, because I felt painfully alone, and somewhere in the dark recesses of my twisted mind I figured out that his constant presence beside me, cold, distant and silent, would help me. Because he maybe seemed a bit crazy, but at least sure of himself, always having a goal, and having will to live only as long as this goal was available to achieve for him. For him life was simple, life was completing the missions, and he was only what was needed to complete them. He understood it as well, understood all he was and yearned for, while I couldn't understand and accept myself, hiding the true me behind several masks. In a way, he was everything I wasn't, had every advantage and fault I hadn't, and maybe that's why I felt like if only being with him I would be whole. He was capable of living for a one single purpose, and I wanted to become that purpose. I shook my head. I was so stupid, he wasn't ever going to even notice me as someone more than an annoying jester. I sighed, loudly. Go look elsewhere for someone to take care of you and share his self-assurance with you, Duo, you aren't that bad looking after all, are you ? Surely some freaking old gay would gladly give you what you want, won't he ? Just close your eyes and pretend it's Heero. I shook my head in unspoken protest. No... I sighed once again, this time masking it a bit with a yawn, and lied on my back instead. Maybe enough watching Heero for one evening, don't you think ? Yeah... I yawned, this time from genuine sleepiness. I was so tired and it was so cold in the room that I dreamed about nothing but burying in the warm sheets and falling into peaceful slumber. But I knew well I wouldn't be able to fall asleep as long as Heero wouldn't turn the computer and the lights off. I could always ask him to do so, but I knew anyway he wouldn't even listen to me, yet alone accomplish. I yawned again and sat up, my hair falling onto my face in process. I hated it when it wasn't braided, it was still in my eyes then. I took the most away with my hand.

" Uhm, Heero, couldn't you end this tomorrow ? I'm rather sleepy, ya know. And despite what you may be thinking, the Perfect Soldier needs sometimes to sleep as well."

" Hn." Was all his reaction. It meant he registered what I had said, and wasn't giving a fuck.

I yawned once again and took the sheets closer to myself. It was unbearably cold in the room, at least for me, Heero didn't seem affected as he was sitting at the desk for hours. I shivered under the sheets. I could swear it wasn't that apparent for him to notice it all of a sudden, but somehow...

" You're cold, Duo ?" He asked turning to me. I could make out on the screen behind him that the computer's system was finally shutting down. Finally, I was getting close to get some sleep.

" No." I answered shaking my head. Damn, I completely forgot that my hair wasn't braided, with the move of my head several loose strands slipped onto my face. I reached my hand to take them away.

" You're sure ?"

I looked up at him suspiciously. Since when did he care so much about me ? Me being cold should be the last of his concerns. But, well, maybe he's trying to be nice to me, finally.

" Thanks for the concern. Just a bit. Don't worry, I won't die of it." I said smiling brightly, my jester's mask right on its place.

He smiled back to me, or maybe smiled to show that he thought that what I had said about dying was really funny. Wow, he was really trying to be nice. Maybe an apology for waiting so long for him to turn off the computer ? I smiled wider to show him how much I appreciated his efforts to act like a normal human being and not a trained wild beast.

" So, what's the next mission about ?" I asked. I was genuinely curious what kind of mission comes with so many details, even if I had no real desire to accomplish it.

" What a mission ?"

I blinked few times. What a mission ? His new way of telling me that's something he had to do by himself, alone, and it shouldn't interest me unless I wanted to get a few bullets into my heart ? Hadn't it been `none of your business` before ? Anyway, I wasn't going to ask anymore. Another few strands slipped onto my face as I lowered my head a bit. I reached my hand up again to take them away.

And then the weirdest thing happened. My hand was blocked on its way up by a firm hold on my wrist. Heero's hand's hold. He was suddenly very close, kneeling next to the bed, our faces nose to nose, so close I could feel the warmth of his breath on my cheeks in the coldness of the room. I blushed, immediately turning intense red, while he remained calm and self assured. He was smirking, and there was something in his dark blue eyes, something that definitely wasn't there every time he looked at me, something so different from the bored annoyance he usually expressed towards me, something close rather to the strong appreciation, or maybe more...

" Don't, Duo. You look beautiful as you are." He said softly, very, very softly.

It took a moment for me to realize he was talking about me trying to take loose strands of hair out of my face. It was hard to think with him so close, and touching me. Holding my wrist, more precisely, but... He was doing it in a weird manner, very gently, like if it was made of glass and he had to be aware not to shatter it, his thumb caressing in slow strokes the flesh on the inside. He had just told me I was beautiful. Him, Heero, had told this to me. And that I looked better with my hair loose. I hated having it like that, but if he liked it so much, I wasn't going to braid it ever again. He had commented on my appearance, and I had always thought that as for him I could be looking like a zombie and he wouldn't give a fuck.

" Thanks." Was all I managed to answer through my suddenly dry and clenched throat. This time it took a while for my jester's mask to come in place, short moment when I was vulnerable, my real self revealed. I think he saw it then, and his smirk widened slightly. " Thanks for the complement, buddy. But you could let my hand go now." I said smirking myself. His hold on my wrist tightened lightly before he let it go.

He didn't go away as I thought he would, but stayed where he was, our faces still way too close for comfort. I was blushing like a fucking school girl, and I couldn't stop. And I couldn't go away myself, finding myself drown to this dark blue gaze. Some more of my hair slipped through my shoulder on my chest and face, but I knew better than to try to take it away.

Heero smiled and moved towards me. I smiled as well, though a bit unsure, and moved away, making him a bit of room on the bed next to me. He sat there and I moved as much away as possible, to the edge of the bed, but sitting like that on the single bed still involved more contact than I wished. Then he reached his hand to the hair lying on my shoulder, and took a strand between his fingers, wrapping it around it, and then letting it slide back down, whole the time looking at it thoughtfully. He acted weird, weird in general, and even weirder considering it was Heero, the last person I could suspect about wanting to have anything to do with me. He looked up from my hair to my face, locking gazes with me. That something, which I described as strong appreciation not having better word for it, was still there, clear and obvious. What was going on ? I opened my mouth to talk, because the silence between us was filled with unusual tension I couldn't stand anymore, though I have no clue what to say. I was just going to chatter about everything and anything, as always, and maybe then I'd annoy Heero and he would come back to his usual self I had had time to get used to. I shivered, partially from cold and sleepiness, partially from the nervousness, and just when I was going to say something, he spoke first.

" Still cold ?" He asked, lying his hand on my shoulder. I shivered again, this time from the sensation his warm and a bit rough hand caused.

" N... No." Damn, I couldn't handle it anymore, my voice trembled.

" Maybe we could do something about it." He continued ignoring my answer.

" Yeah, let's go to sleep." I said. This time it was ok, I was slowly getting some control back.

He frowned.

" Don't act like if everything you think of when you don't fight is eating, sleeping and basketball."

" When it is. Mostly..." I said smiling. I moved away so that his hand slipped away of my shoulder.

" And don't you sometimes think of me ?" He asked, his voice and facial expression not changing a bit, like if he was asking about the time. But he wasn't, and my heart stopped beating for a moment, before resuming in the fastest pace. He knew. He had noticed. He knew I had fallen for him. And he was going to... do what ? And what was I supposed to do and say ?

His hand, that I had just took away of my shoulder, reached to my face and touched my cheek.

" You don't need to fear. I love you, too." He said softly again.

At the moment my eyes had to go twice their normal size, and my stupid grin fade away from my face like blown away. His hand caressed my cheek before the thumb stroke my lips. He had said he loved me. How ? He had been always so mean to me. Had he been just hiding his true feelings for me ? His hand moved from my cheek to behind my head and slipped into my hair. It forced me to move my face towards his until our lips touched for the briefest moment. Then I took my face away. I wanted explanation.

" How ?" I asked softly pushing on his chest to get him to let me go. His second arm wrapped around my waist, holding me still.

He didn't answer me then, pushing me down onto the mattress, placing himself above me and ravaging my lips until I parted them giving him access to my mouth. His tongue played with mine for a long time, until we parted for air. He was a good kisser, better than I thought such an antisocial freak could be, somehow he had had to have many girls, or maybe even guys, before to be that good. Or maybe it was another activity he was trained in to the perfection. I smiled mentally at the thought.

I licked my lips, getting the last of his sweetness from them and looked up at him. He was tasting good. Better than most the girls I had kissed before. He looked strangely emotionless and concentrated. It puzzled me. You shouldn't look emotionless and almost absent kissing a person you love, should you ? And for what did he need concentration ?
Idiot, like if you hadn't had enough time with him to get to know that he was always emotionless and concentrated, always, so why would he have changed after confessing his love for you ? This was the way he was, this was Heero, and this was what you had wanted - his cold, distant presence beside you. You had gotten no less.

He leaned down to kiss me again and I gave him free access to my mouth immediately this time. The kiss started slow and tender, and I reached my hands to put them in his unruly hair. Surely, I liked his hair as much as he seemed to like mine, and my hands had been burning to touch it since very, very long time. Finally, I had my chance. His tongue ravaged my mouth while I was massaging his scalp. Just once, I tried to return the favor and slip my tongue into his mouth, but he didn't let me, forcing it away with his. He wanted to be the dominant, strictly dominant. I could understand he wanted to be on top, and excepted him to be. It was always like that, for reasons I couldn't quite understand, other males considered me a bit girly, someone to be fucked, not to fuck. I could understand Heero felt the same, but why wasn't he even allowing me to kiss him back ? I tried again, and it turned worse this time. He gripped my chin holding it at an angle letting him reach the deepest and plunged his tongue down my throat, choking me down with it, and kept it there immobile. Not a pleasant sensation at all, especially if you hadn't much air even at the beginning and it was slowly turning worse. My heart began beating like crazy, my vision wavering a bit as I was suffocating. My hands moved to push onto his chest, but I was too weak, or rather, he was in a better position, having me pinned under his whole body weight, and I couldn't get myself to harm him in order to get free. As my vision was spinning from side to side, worse with every passing second and I felt myself slipping slowly into unconsciousness, I reached for the gun in the pocket of my pants and pulled it out, slowly positioning it at Heero's heart. I unblocked it, and only at the sound Heero seemed to notice it and withdrew, letting me breathe. I breathed, heavily, slowly and deeply. My vision and consciousness slowly coming back to me, along with the realization that a moment ago I had been ready to fire a gun right into Heero's heart. But I had had a reason, good enough for my mind trained to preserve me from getting killed or harmed by killing and harming. I was Shinigami, after all. And I wanted an explanation, good explanation.

" You need to learn where you belong." Said Heero in a voice sounding so sure of himself, like if he was in perfect control of the situation, maybe I needed to remind him where he did belong while I had a gun pressed to his chest. I pushed it harder, letting him feel it, cold, hard and obvious against his flesh.

" Take it easy, Duo. Take it away." He said in the same tone. Then, it suddenly changed and he continued in a softer voice. " I love you, Duo, but I'm not ready yet to give you the control. I got used to... more passive partners."

It didn't take my defenses all down, but I smiled.

" Girls ?"

He nodded and reached his hand to take the gun away from me.

" Virgins ?"

" Sometimes."

He took the gun from me and blocked it, before putting it away on the floor, next to the bed, on the left side, in the middle of the length of the bed. How I knew ? I heard silent tap. Why was I giving a fuck ? Once again, training. I felt uneasy enough having that knowledge that it would take me over two seconds to get to the gun if needed, I would have never let myself into the situation when I had no clue where it was. Heero smiled down at me.

" I'm sorry, Duo."

I nodded, accepting his apology. This was no explanation, he had been trying to strangle me, and he didn't really seem sorry, but I had to accept what he was giving me. What else could I do ? Tell him I wasn't believing nor trusting him and that I don't want him and his love ? Throw it away in his face ? While I wanted it more than anything ? He just was like that, his training had made him react like that, most likely, that's why he had gotten so aggressive and so fucked suicidal, yeah, that's it ! And I had no choice but to deal with it and be careful not to provoke such reactions again.

He lowered his head to kiss me again, licking and sucking on my lips, slowly and gently, and I slipped my hands back into his hair, resuming what I had been doing before, like if nothing had happened. His hands began working on the buttons of my pajama's shirt. Surely, we were moving fast. I couldn't decide if I liked it or not, if I enjoyed the fact that I was going to have my ass pounded by Heero's cock within minutes, if we would keep the pace. But I already understood it wasn't me who was deciding here, and that I had only one choice - accept him, his love and his demands or lose it all. I thought I already grasped his idea of a relationship - you're either with him, read under him and after him, or without him. Plus, he will try to... uhm... motivate you to choose the first option. Having that choice, I liked more the first, so I surrendered, ceasing all motion that wasn't absolutely necessary, and letting him have his way with me. I just hoped his previous experiences would be enough for him to know how to please me. I wouldn't stand all the pain of being the one taken without something nice in return. So my hands slipped out of his hair, despite how much I wanted to touch it, touch him, and fell down at my sides. He took his lips away from mine so he could look at me, and smirked down at me, all the reward I got for the offering made of my dignity and great part of my lust, never to be fulfilled. From the look he gave me, slightly warmer than usual and even a bit reassuring, I got to know he had understood what had just happened, so I dared to speak.

" Better you have something good in return..." I whispered huskily. He kissed me again, preventing me from saying more, his hands finishing with the buttons and getting the shirt off me to throw it carelessly to the ground, his lips wandering from my mouth to my neck, kissing it passionately for a moment, his hands slipping into my hair again.

All was fine, but not stunning, his touch was gentle, his tongue skillful enough, his firm frame pressed to mine felt quite pleasant, but... it was far away from the perfection I had been dreaming of encountering with him, but yes, I know, one can never have everything he wants, and nothing is perfect, not even Heero Yuy, but... There was something more, aside from that, obvious for me... lack of feelings, especially as strong as love in the way he kissed and caressed me. And it wasn't something I could just forgive him.

He kissed his way down my collarbone to my chest and moved back to my lips, while his hands slipped out of my hair and moved to pinch my nipples until they were hard. He took his head up then, breaking the kiss. I used the opportunity to look at him. His face wore the look of emotional absence, like if his mind and heart were elsewhere, while only his body lied there with me, his brows drown together and lips firmly clenched in the look of concentration, his Prussian blue eyes cold. However, whole his body was beginning to cover under the fine layer of glistening sweat, his eyes shaded with pleasure already and as I looked down I noticed the unusual tightness of his pants. At least I had some effect on him, at least he did really want me. He sat up, straddling me, and took his own shirt off, followed by his pants. He had no underwear under that spandex. Had he planned our... encounter... or did he enjoy being covered just and only with something that felt like if you had nothing on ? I couldn't quite decide. He looked good. It wasn't like if I saw him naked for the first time then, there had been few occasions to catch a glimpse before, but surely it was different. He was sweating quite badly, his unruly hair getting damp, and as my eyes wandered lower I noticed he was already so hard that he would need some kind of release in the next minute or so. Some kind of release... I knew all too well where he was going to look for it...

He reached down to the pocket of his pants lying on the floor next to the bed to check if the gun was there. It took him slightly more than a second to get there and back, while my time was two seconds, damn.

Then he took my pajama's pants off me and throw it away on the pile of my shirt. It left me naked, only with the small crucifix hanging from my neck. I took my head slightly up and took it off and put it away on the night table. Somehow, it seemed inappropriate for me to have it on doing such things. Heero smiled at that and kissed me again, while one of his hands moved to my crotch and grasped my erection which definitely wasn't as hard as his, but I was guessing this was going to change soon. He grasped it only few times, stroked it for a while, before moving to massage my balls, kissing me slowly on the lips whole the time. I thrust my hips against his hand instinctively but he didn't let me have much fun, his hand going lower, his fingers obviously looking for my entrance. He broke the kiss, but his face stayed very close, almost pressed to mine. His second hand spread my legs wide apart and motioned for me to take them close to my chest. Fuck, not so soon ! And not dry !

" I love you, Duo." He whispered in my ear, moving then to suck on my earlobe as he inserted one dry finger inside me. Why hadn't he even tried to find a lubricant ? Maybe he enjoyed using blood as such, but I did definitely not.

" I love you." He whispered again in an almost soothing manner, pushing his finger deeper.

It gave me unpleasant, dull feeling of fullness, no pain yet, but as he slipped second finger and pushed deeper again, it began getting worse. I whimpered softly when he inserted third. Now, it really did hurt, and it was just the beginning. He didn't stretch me much, and not once brushed my prostate. All I got was pain, and I really wasn't regretting as he took those offending fingers away. I mentally begged him to ask me if I wanted this to happen right then or if I wasn't feeling ready. I begged, but the question on his part never came. Instead he took hold of my legs, wrapping them firmly around his waist, kissed me once more on the lips before beginning to nuzzle my neck as he entered me, filling me in one swift, smooth stroke. The pain was unbearable, and my inner walls were torn apart by the sudden intrusion. I really wasn't stretched enough, and I was dry. And it hurt like hell. Worse... It was the worst kind of pain I ever faced, it was so... It blinded me, making countless blades slip into my flesh all the way up my spine, from my ass to my brain, where it exploded in white, blinding light. My heart tightened painfully at the knowledge that the only person I ever truly loved with that kind of love in whole my life, was the one doing that to me. Then he moved, and it got worse, though I never thought it possible, and it passed the limits of what I was capable of standing, and I began to scream, I screamed from pain under him till my throat got raw and useless and tightened from the mental pain, as the stifled sobs rocked my body, along with Heero's rhythm of thrusts. Tears were falling from my eyes, widened in terrible realization that he had to be not giving a fuck about me if he was capable of hurting me so much for his own sick pleasure, and the blood flowed freely from my inner walls, tore in shreds by his thrusts, too vicious for me, without lubricant nor preparation. I was trying to stop him then, as the blood that filled me and spilled on the sheets let him fasten the pace, I was trying to make him stop, but I was somehow too shaken, and too weakened and blinded by the pain to success. I was trying to push him away, to get on top, to get to the gun, I was even close to reach it, but he grasped my wrists and held them together, pinned to the mattress above my head, continuing to move, making the pain still worse, and still not even once hitting my prostate. As he pinned my hands down I tried to thrash a bit, but it was useless and made the pain worse, so I gave up at the end, letting him pound into me and waiting only at the moment when he would finally cum and let go of me. It hurt so much... He had hurt me so badly... Him, the one I loved, the one that had told me that he loved me too. I cried, from the pain and awful feeling of being betrayed and used, and I whimpered like a sobbing child, sobbing after they beat it. I could still feel him hard inside me, wasn't he ever going to cum ? I counted the seconds, the breaths and the thrusts, slowly taking me at the edge of unconsciousness. And finally, after agonizingly long time, he spilled his seed inside me, with kind of a silent growl, and it flowed down my thighs onto the sheets. My semen never came, I wasn't hard anymore anyway, my erection long time forgotten, any kind of pleasure and anticipation replaced by pain, pain... He stayed inside me for a while longer, tormenting me some more with his immobile presence, until finally he pulled away, leaving me there like I was, used, broken and hurt, lying sprawled on the blood-stained sheets, and went to the computer, wrapping a sheet around himself and using it to wipe the blood off his shaft and thighs.

I curled on the bed, turning my back to him, wrapping the remaining sheets tightly around me, covering myself the best I could, and cried, cried and cried, while he was typing again, typing and typing... And this seemed to have no end, until finally I slipped into unconsciousness, feeling still like the blood flowed down my thighs from my opening, taking my strength away with it. I hoped I would never wake up again. I prayed, silently, for a chance to leave this world and never have to look into beautiful cold Prussian blue eyes ever again... Ever again... No more pain...

I really hoped to never wake up again. You may ask me why... and if what Heero had done to me had been really that bad. Yes, it had been, it had been the kind of pain I know no words to describe, physical and mental pain mixed together, reaching high beyond the limits of my endurance. And these weren't placed low, I am a soldier, after all. But it had been something... kind of pain that had reached new levels, and I bet that no one who hadn't lived through something similar himself can't truly understand me. But it is bad, to be raped like that by someone you love, because it had been rape, I hadn't wanted this to happen, and then I had begged him to stop and he hadn't given a fuck, about my prayers, about my pain, about my blood. He had enjoyed it somehow and it had been all that had counted for him, I had been just a nice little toy breaking which had pleasured him, nothing more. It was all I was for a person I loved, and couldn't stop loving just because of what had happened. My feelings for him stayed there, buried in my heart, and wouldn't just go away. Despite that he had betrayed me and hurt me worse than anyone had before, I loved him. And I feared that if I wouldn't die what had happened that night could repeat, several times over, because I loved him, and some part of me was beyond thinking of myself when it came to his well-being and his pleasure, however it sickened me as a whole. But real love isn't something you can just throw out of your heart when it isn't right anymore, it's just not like that. I think that's why I still love Heero Yuy, despite even what happened next...

It was supposed to be a one-shot, but it turned too long for my liking to stay as such, so except another part coming, soon.