Author's Note: A request for DezoPenguin.
You'd think he would know me well enough to not give me a prompt like the one he did, but hey... he has nobody to blame but himself!
Think of the Children
"Hmmmmmmmmm," Nora said, leaning over the counter at the Sloth's Nest, an expression of thoughtfulness on her face.
Lie Ren, her sorta-partner in the coffee house and her definite partner in hunting monsters, did not think too deeply into it. Nora was a... unique girl, and when she got 'thoughtful,' asking what she was thinking about was almost always a bad idea. It tended to vary from moment to moment and almost never made sense to someone who relied on things like human logic, reason, and basic cause and effect.
Granted, Nora wasn't human, but you could only excuse so much by remembering she was a Valkyrie. And not just named Valkyrie; an actual chooser of the dead from Asgard who had come down to collect Ren's soul years ago, when he'd nearly been killed on a mission in Norway. Fortunately, Nora had shown up a little too early, and her intervention had stopped that destined death from ever happening. Unfortunately, apparently by Valkyrie rules she now had to follow him around until such time as he died a glorious death in battle like he was supposed to.
Though Ren secretly suspected, from time to time, that the rest of the Valkyries were just enjoying the chance to get Nora out of the house for awhile. He'd found five years with her to be alternately enjoyable and intensely frustrating. He could only imagine that if you were immortal and had to deal with Nora in the closest she could manage to a steady routine, the frustration would skyrocket exponentially.
And no, it had not lost him that her idea of a 'secret mortal identity' was to use her own real name with the last name 'Valkyrie'. He considered this proof that there really was no good to come of asking her what she thought of anything.
"Ren!" Nora said firmly, slamming down a paper travel cup filled with some kind of latte, so hard it exploded across the counter like a tiny coffee bomb. "I have had an epiphany!"
"Oh no," Ren said, wincing.
Ruby Rose, regular customer and monster-hunter extraordinaire from the Beacon Organization that Ren himself often too independent contracts for, whimpered as she looked at the rapidly spreading pool of liquid that had once been her order. "My... my triple choco-mocha-mint caramel machiatto..."
"Ruby!" Nora snapped. "This is more important than your coffee!"
"But... but I already paid you for it, is the thing..."
"And you will receive your reward, but it shall not be in coffee this day!" Nora screamed, a light of passion in her eyes that Ren knew could only end in disaster. Without a word, she flipped the sign on the front door of the small coffee shop to 'Closed' and grabbed Ruby's hand, dragging the younger girl into the kitchen behind the front counter as the confused patrons filed out of the cafe. Pouring his green tea into the garbage, he immediately left the Sloth's Nest and began walking down the street as quickly as his perfectly honed muscles could take him.
Nora was a solid partner and a deadly hand in a fight; matching or even exceeding Ren's own martial skills, skills born of years of elite training at the hands of the Lie clan's finest weapon masters and martial artists. That didn't mean he wanted to be anywhere nearby when she started getting excited.
Ruby Rose, agent of Beacon, squeaked in confusion as Nora pulled her along like a dog on a leash. She was normally not the sort to allow this kind of treatment, except from her sister, who had earned the right on account of being very tall and strong. She decided that Nora, as the proprietor of the only coffee shop within walking distance of Beacon, may have earned similar rights, but she would have to set more boundaries on it than Yang had.
"Hey! You shouldn't do this without giving me coffee!" Ruby said indignantly.
Nailed it, Rose, she thought, silently congratulating herself on how amazingly she had done at setting super awesome boundaries.
"This is more important," Nora said firmly, "than coffee."
"... we're making cookies?!" Ruby squealed.
"N—actually, that sounds pretty good," Nora said. "And you know, we do offer a wide series of delicious breakfast pastries."
"I know! Those little glazed things with the almonds are just delicious, I get one every weekend and split it with Blake while we read," Ruby agreed.
"Ooooh, thanks! That was my own idea, you know," Nora said proudly. "I said to myself, 'we have all these almonds, but you know what would be even better on them? Sugar'."
"And you were right, you pastry genius you!" Ruby said.
"You know, you are just the best customer we've got? You're always so nice and you come in every day, and sometimes you even bring the quiet cat person and... no. No!"
"I don't bring..."
"Not what I'm no-ing at!" Nora declared, walking over to a safe in the corner of the kitchen and opening it up to reveal a silvery, faintly glowing war hammer carved over with Old Norse runes that pulsed with light.
"... You keep your hammer in the kitchen?" Ruby asked.
"I sometimes use it to powder stubborn coffee beans," Nora said.
"Oh, that... makes..." Ruby paused. "Wait. Doesn't that confuse the other employees?"
"What other employees? I make all the food and coffee and run the register by myself," Nora said proudly.
"... ... ... ... How?!"
"Well, it isn't by using ancient Norse magic of some sort!" Nora said with a wink. Then, in a loud whisper, she said, "It is that! The God of Coffee totally owed me a favor."
"There's a Norse god of..."
"Ruby!" Nora snapped, slamming her hammer into the wall and nearly making Ruby jump out of her skin. "Stop distracting me I need to focus!"
"You're the one who dragged me back here!"
"Help! With! What?!" Ruby shrieked, finally reaching the point where even with the smell of baking desserts and coffee couldn't contain her frustrated confusion.
"With helping Ren," Nora said, her tone indicating this was the most important thing she had ever said, "find a girl."
"... ... ... ... What."
"We need to do it, Ruby. You and I, we're close like close, right? I'm like the sister you never had."
"I have a sister."
"Exactly! And we're best friends on top of it."
"Weiss is my best friend. You're actually like, sixth. Probably just behind Jaune and..."
"And as my best sister, you need to help me fulfill my duty!" Nora said, very much not listening anymore.
"I thought your duty was just to follow Ren until he dies."
"That's my technical duty, but there's all kinds of unwritten rules to this stuff. Junk that gets you brownie points with the bosses," Nora said cheerfully. "I could get a bigger hammer! Oooh, or a helm cover-ed all in jewels!"
"For... for finding Ren a girl?"
"For extending his warrior line," Nora corrected. "You see, taking mighty warrior spirits to Valhalla is all well and good... which, speaking of, if you're ever in the mood to visit Norway..."
"I am not dying in Norway for you, Nora."
"Just a suggestion! Anyway, in addition to taking mighty warrior spirits up to Valhalla, we also try to make sure that they leave like, a legacy behind. You know, to kinda make sure there's gonna be a fresh crop when they're gone? Little warriorlings that wanna grow up to inherit daddy's legendary sword and go out to drink wine from the skulls of their enemies, that sorta thing."
"You... farm warriors?" Ruby asked incredulously.
"Of course not! I mean, just because I described them as a crop doesn't mean it's farming."
"... Yes it does."
"Shut up, Ruby-sister-friend, I'm thinking of how we might get Ren to lay with a mortal woman and implant her with his mighty seed."
"The first thing is to find ourselves a mortal woman!" Nora declared. Then, with a wide smile, she said, "Hey, Ruby..."
"You are not pimping me out to your warrior-farm, Nora."
"You are just being the most uncooperative best friend/sister I've ever had."
"I'm not either of those things!"
"Fine, fine! Be troublesome," Nora said, looking down at Ruby as though she had turned into mold spontaneously. "I hate you now, just so you know. I'm full of rage and I can't help but notice that you're awfully short."
"Weiss is shorter! And I'm your best customer."
"The coffee shop is a front, Ruby! It hides my mystical nature."
"You call yourself 'Valkyrie' and have no employees! Your kitchen is blessed by the God of Coffee! Which doesn't sound real!"
"How dare you talk that way about Caffeinor, Lord of all Coffee?!" Nora shrieked, hefting her mighty warhammer aloft.
"Bring it! I haven't had my morning cappucino and giant gooey sticky bun pastry, so I'm a roiling ball of barely contained rage and I think I'm pretty much only half-awake!" Ruby snapped, drawing her guns. "This might all be a dream I'm having!"
The two women stared each other down, their weapons at the ready, and for a few tense moments the only sound was some kind of coffee dripping into something (Nora's kitchen was not necessarily normal). Finally, Nora lowered her hammer, and said, very softly, "Ruby... do you actually want to fight to the death in the kitchen of a coffee house?"
"... No. Do you?"
"Not so much. I like the kitchen, y'know? It's a nice place and getting blood all over it would ruin the linoleum."
"And then I'll never get my morning coffee. I'd have to walk to Starbucks, and that's like... five miles away."
"Don't you have a car?"
"Weiss doesn't let me drive. She says I can't be trusted with heavy machinery that isn't a gun," Ruby admitted.
"... Oooooh, Weiss! Is she..."
"She's gay, Nora."
"Huh. Are you sure?"
"Dating my sister."
"Ugh, that's two down! Okay, um, how about that cat person you're always hanging around w-"
Ruby very calmly clicked back the firing pins on Crescent and Rose.
"No, then?" Nora sighed. "We need a girl, Ruby! A fine girl, with the blood of a warrior, the spirit of a goddess, and child-bearing hips of a cow."
"That... that was possibly the worst way you could have put that, Nora," Ruby said.
"I know, I know. It's hard to think of a mighty warrior taking time off to consign herself to motherhood, isn't it? But I need to be very certain that Ren's mighty seed..."
"... mixes with only the finest of amazing super-fighters."
"Noooooot exactly my point," Ruby said. "But still, I understand your point. I mean, not about the cow thing, but it should be someone tough, if you want Ren to have like, little super-babies. But don't worry, Beacon is full of strong women."
"Really? Like who?"
"Um... um... well. Like... like the... four women we've already said can't do it," Ruby said hesitantly.
"... ... ..."
"Don't you '...' me, I'm thinking!" Ruby snapped. "Um, there's Pyrrha. She's tough. And really pretty, and... and... taken. Darn. I don't think Jaune would be really tolerant of you letting Ren nail her, even if they do get along well."
"Ruby. Best buddy, sister-friend, blood-bonded child of my soul..."
"I'm not any of those things."
"... I need you to stop being useless here. Because uselessness is the exact opposite of why I asked you to come back with me into the Room of Planning."
"It's a kitchen."
"Ruby! Stop using logic and use your mind-brain to tell me word thoughts," Nora demanded. "I want you to pick the most dangerous and powerful eligible woman in all of Beacon and I want you to tell me her name right now. Because we are going to hunt her down, and she is going to bear Ren's warrior heir so he can finally die proudly! And we! Will! Succeed!"
Ruby pondered this for a few moments.
Twenty minutes later...
"Absolutely not. Now go away before I turn you both into frogs," Glynda Goodwitch said, slamming her office door in their faces.
"... Well," Ruby said, after a few seconds of silence. "I'm not sure that counts as success, but..."
"Oh, no. Oooooh, no," Nora said, eyes narrowing. "She does not turn down Ren like that! He is a glorious golden god who will rock her world with his incredible lovemaking and any woman, any woman, even me, would be crazy to turn him down!"
"... Wait, what?"
"Nothing," Nora said, hefting her hammer. "Now stand back, this will only take a second."
"Nora, you absolutely cannot break down Ms. Goodwitch's door. She'll take it really badly, and she's horrifying. Like, you know, Mr. Ozpin is scary in kind of a 'nice guy' way, like he acts all nice but you know he's planning something sinister? But Ms. Goodwitch is just scary. And it's scary in a way where I think she might kill us."
"It's okay, Ruby," Nora said reassuringly. "I'm totally not going to break her door down."
"Oh, good, because..."
"Hey!" Nora said, pointing behind Ruby. "Is that Blake, wearing nothing but her ribbon and carrying a giant cookie?!"
"What?! Where?!" Ruby turned, drooling for a few reasons. And, of course, seeing nothing but empty hallway, and hearing nothing but Nora's hammer slamming into the door so hard the shockwave knocked pictures off the wall on the other side of the building.
Ruby winced. "You said you wouldn't do that."
"You can't prove I did! You weren't looking!" Nora said gleefully, skipping through what was left of Ms. Goodwitch's wall, and ducking her head as a spear of ice the size of a tree trunk attempted to take it off.
"What the Hell?!" Glynda screamed, an expression suggesting she was having a mild heart attack on her face and gleaming mystical power in her hands. "What the actual Hell?! I thought we were under attack, why would you even-"
"You seem high-strung!" Nora said. "Might I suggest a few weeks of unprotected sexual intercourse with a charming half-dragon?"
"Get out of my office you lunatic!"
"He would rock your world! Just picture his well-oiled muscles gleaming in the sun as he impregnates you with his warrior seed."
"Ew!" Ruby said.
"I am not! Whoring myself out! To be a baby factory for a boy half my age!" Glynda snarled.
"Are we under attack?!" Weiss screamed, poking her head down the hall.
"Just Nora," Ruby said.
"... Ruby, I know you like coffee, but there have to be limits," Weiss snarled, walking away to go try and make her heart stop pounding out of her chest.
"Look, Ms. Goodwitch," Ruby said, tugging Nora out of the room. "I'm really sorry, she's just overly enthusiastic, and we are gonna leave right now, so..."
"No! Look at her, she's perfect. Young enough to be fertile, yet old enough to fear dying alone! Strong and proud! Fantastical child-bearing hips like a proud ox!" Nora declared.
Ruby noted a significant drop in the temperature of the office and managed, just barely, to get out "Ohshit," before impact.
Ten minutes later...
Director Ozpin sighed and rubbed his temples as the chief medic attended to Ruby and Nora's wounds. "Rose, I just want you to know I'm not precisely angry so much as deeply confused as to why you and Ms. Valkyrie chose to just kind of walk into the building and randomly sexually harass Ms. Goodwitch."
"We weren't doing that, I swear!"
"You, according to her admittedly rather furiously terse report," Ozpin said, "suggested she had hips like an ox and continually implied she should allow herself to be impregnated before she got too old to have children."
"... and putting it that way makes it sound way worse than it was..."
"So she is exaggerating?"
"... Technically, no."
"I... well," Ozpin said. "This is your first offense, and lord knows we've stretched the limits of sexual harrassment laws for your sister in the past. So I guess we can go through this with nothing but a warning and your own considerable injuries as punishment. But in the future, if you wish to romance Ms. Goodwitch, might I suggest you use a bit more tact?"
"I... that... I do not..." Ruby sputtered.
"She's a lovely woman, certainly. I'm sure nobody would blame you. But no woman likes to be compared to a beast of burden, or be reminded her biological clock is ticking. I know that children these days have their own odd customs, but perhaps you should try to get her some flowers or somesuch? I'm told candlelight dinners are still in vogue."
"I am not trying to seduce Ms. Goodwitch!" Ruby shrieked.
"Right! She's Ren's!" Nora declared indignantly.
"Ruby! Is it true that you had office-smashing sex with Glynda?!" Yang said, poking her head into the infirmary with a huge smile on her face. "Because if so, way to go lil' sis! That woman is like, the Everest of one-night stands! I never even got close."
"That wasn't how the office got smashed! She tried to kill us!" Ruby squeaked in absolute horrified dismay.
"Huh," Yang said, blinking. "Guess I shouldn't have told everyone that it was you guys having a wild threesome and Glynda's raw pleasure at your prowess was so intense that her final toe-curling release destroyed an entire wing."
"I wanted you to be like, happy," Yang said helpfully. "I figured this was like, a big event for you. Losing your virginity, and scaling Mt. Beacon's deliciously curved slopes in one magical afternoon? And Nora too!"
"I am sexy," Nora agreed.
"See? I figured that like, spreading it around would help your rep! Y'know, make you a legend in your own time!" Yang said, smiling hopefully.
"I don't wanna be a legend! I wanna be a normal girl with normal... times!" Ruby protested. Then, her face going pale, she whispered in utter horror, "Does... does Blake know, or..."
"Oh, everyone knows! I put it on the PA system!" Yang said cheerfully. "And in the weekly newsletter."
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Ruby shrieked, running out of the infirmary as fast as her mildly frostbitten legs could carry her to find Blake and run damage control.
"You're welcome!" Yang said.
"So, Ruby 2.0," Nora began, as she and Yang walked out of the building after being 'politely asked' to leave by Director Ozpin.
"Why do you keep calling me that?" Yang murmured. She wasn't 100% sure why she was following Nora, but in her defense nobody was 100% sure of much of anything when Nora was around. Nora just had that effect on people.
"Now that you cost me my first sidekick, I appreciate you stepping into the role. I'm sure you'll do an amazing job."
"Well, I am pretty amazing," Yang agreed. "But I'm not sure what I'm doing a job of."
"Well, I was telling Ruby 1.0..."
"... that I need to ensure Ren's warrior bloodline continues for after he's dead and rotting in his grave, y'know? Future generations."
"Ooooh, warrior farming!"
"No! No, why does everyone call it that?! It's not a farm. It's... it's..."
"... I don't like you," Nora said softly.
"I'll grow on ya," Yang said cheerfully, idly running a hand up and down Nora's arm.
"Why are you...?"
"Y'know, I do love a girl with a hammer," Yang purred, running a finger under Nora's chin. "For some reason, it just always makes me think of things getting nailed."
"... I thought you were taken," Nora said, taking several steps backwards.
"Weissy and I have an understanding," Yang said proudly. "I give her sweet, sweet lovin' whenever she wants, and in return I don't tell her when I find other interesting people that look yummy. It's worked gloriously so far."
"Something about that seems off, but I don't know enough about relationships to say what," Nora said wisely. "But keep your hands to yourself, bescaled harlot! As a Valkyrie, I am sworn eternally unto purity! I seek only to find mad passion for the noble warrior Ren, none for unto myself! Forsooth!"
"And that will be a rough one," Yang admitted. "Ren has the willpower of an enduring stone mountain, and a libido roughly as cold and lifeless as the same. I am sad to confess that even I, with all my skills and expertise, failed to seduce him. Me! That's never easy for a girl like me to admit, y'know? I mean, I introduced Jaune and Pyrrha by having a threesome with them when we were all teenagers, and they're still a couple. That takes some real skills, to sex someone so amazingly that they fall in love with the other leg of the menage et trois. I felt like I was losing my touch."
"I understand your pain. Like, once, I hammered something and it didn't die. It was like my identity had been taken away from me," Nora said, patting Yang's back in sympathy. "Then I hammered it again, and it died. Which made my identity happy!"
"I believe it, given those amazing pectorals you ha-"
"Whaaaat? I was just complimenting your amazingly developed chest muscles," Yang said innocently. "And testing them for firmness."
"You... you are dangerous," Nora said, eyes narrowed. "Luckily for you, danger is what we need. Ruby 2.0, I need you to turn your devious harlot's mind to thoughts of only one thing. Filling a great warrior maiden with Ren's mighty seed."
"Ew!" Ruby could be heard squealing from somewhere inside the building.
"... her hearing is amazing," Nora said enviously.
"So the way I see it," Yang said, raising her voice to be heard over the pumping bass that filled the nightclub, "is that you were taking this all backwards. Don't get me wrong, Glynda's a babe, I dig the hot librarian thing, but she's not exactly what you'd call a seductress. You cannot melt a stone heart with ice, my friend!"
"Stone doesn't really melt. I mean, unless its lava..."
"Metaphors, Nora. Metaphors. Learn them, it's been years," Yang said flatly. "But in a way, you're not wrong. We need to melt Ren's heart? We need a volcano.
"Or, as the case may be, two."
Yang led Nora to the bar, and there, surrounding a young man who had an expression suggesting some combination of 'deliriously happy' and 'hunted rabbit,' were two angels.
The two girls were obviously twins; physically identical (which was to say 'almost impossibly gorgeous, as if every milky white curve had been sculpted for perfection') in every way save for their haircuts and clothing choices. The left girl wore a red dress and the right a white one, similar in style (which was to say 'cut low to show off ample cleavage and high to show off long, strong legs') and gave off the aura that they knew they were prettier than you, but it didn't matter to them because they mostly saw you as a vibrator with legs anyway. Nora felt the inexplicable urge to fix her hair.
"Mel! Mil!" Yang called, waving them down.
The two girls turned to her, identical smirks tilting their lips, and immediately abandoned their current target, leaving him looking a combination of confused and relieved. "Yang, darling, it's been just ages since you've dropped by," the twin in red said.
"You never call," her sister purred.
"You never write."
"You never ravish us in the back room. Which, might I add, is free this evening?"
"We were about to bring a snack back with us, but then a buffet showed up," the white twin said, her eyes roaming up and down Yang's body in undisguised glee.
"And you brought dessert!" the red twin added, giving Nora the same frank assessment. "She looks uncomfortable. Good. The hesitation makes it sweeter when they surrender."
Yang giggled. "Sorry, ladies, business instead of pleasure brings me here tonight."
"Yangie, do tell us you're not here to talk to Junior," the red twin said. "He's so tedious and boring and he snores."
"We would never hang out in his dive were it not for his absolute mountains of cash and the fact he lets us eat troublemakers," the white one said with a pout.
"Yang... getting the impression they aren't 'normal'." Nora said, trying really hard to hide her blush. If she turned too red, someone might think she was Ruby, and then the real Ruby would have to change her name.
"Better than normal, paranormal," Yang said with a grin. "Nora, meet my favorite informants, Melanie and Miltia. Mel's the white, Mil's the red. They work with the information broker who runs this club as his cover business... and oh yes. That feeling like you wanna be pinned down and ravaged by them is normal. See, the girls are succubi."
"Half-succubi, Yang darling," Melanie chided. "Unlike dear old mum, a night with us is not a death sentence, Nora dear."
"It is the experience of a lifetime, of course," Miltia added, "Just not the last experience."
"And you think this will work?" Nora asked doubtfully, fighting off a subconscious impulse suggesting that she would be more comfortable if she took off her pants and sat in Melanie's lap while Miltia fed her peeled grapes. "I mean, they're certainly stupendously irresistible, but Ren is... well, you've met Ren."
"Trust me on this, Nora," Yang said, an expression of absolute glee on her face. "This is the nuclear strike of seduction. They literally exude an aura of giving into desires that you know deep down in your heart are a bad idea. They're like... like goddesses of one-night stands!"
"Which would make you our high priestess?" Melanie purred.
"You should be on your knees worshipping us a bit more often then, dearest," Miltia said, her voice smoother than silk and cheaper than cotton.
Yang flushed, shivered, and fought down a peculiar light that had entered her eyes before saying, "You see what I mean? I am so tempted right now."
"Yeah, but you're kinda always tempted," Nora said.
"Nora. Sweetie. Trust me. One of them would be overkill. Both of them? Ren will break like cheap glass," Yang said. "And then the four of us can all go out and get drunk and do something that you regret for the rest of your life!"
Nora smiled. "Yeah. Yeah! You're totally... wait, what was that last bit?"
"Nothing at all!" Yang declared proudly.
"Golden Bombshell to Double Trouble," Yang murmured into her comm the next day as they commenced operation 'Glorious Dispersal of Manly Seed' (operation name chosen by Nora). "Jade Dragon has left the roost."
"Do dragons roost?" Nora asked. "I thought you lived in caves."
"My parents live in a condo," Yang admitted. "Not a cave, but also not a roost... okay, Jade Dragon has left the condo!"
"It's really more of an apartment," Nora said.
"You can both shut up any time now," Melanie murmured on the other end of the line. "I believe lunch is served."
"Could you not refer to him as lunch?" Nora murmured.
"Not when he looks good. Enough. To eat," Melanie purred. "Mil, you're up. And save some for me!"
Miltia, standing next to a conspicuously smoking car with the hood up, and her shirt hanging off it like a flag (which, it must be noted meant she was wearing only a lacy black bra and a skirt so short it technically qualified as a large belt) strode up to Ren as he went past on his morning jog, her aura managing to combine the best elements of 'damsel in distress' and 'hunting panther.' Nora moved a few inches left to avoid getting Yang's drool on her as they watched over the scene.
"Excuuuuuse me, sir?" the barely dressed woman said, a smile on her face that suggested Ren was the only man alive in the entire world. "I'm afraid I've just had a horrible car problem. The engine simply will not respond no matter how much I... rev it up. I was wondering if you could come take a look under my top and help a poor, lonely girl out a bit? I'd be very grateful. Very."
Ren pondered this for a few seconds. "Well, to me, it looks like someone put some kind of crude smoke grenade in your car."
"... what?" Miltia asked, her eyes widening both at the fact Ren had seen that, and the fact that Ren was able to look anywhere other than her.
"I'm not entirely sure why, of course, but it does look a little suspicious. I'm pretty sure it shouldn't stop your car from working," Ren said. "I'm just gonna keep going. I think you'll be fine."
"But... I'm not wearing a shirt," Miltia said.
"Yeah... you should be careful about that. It's supposed to be warm today, you could get a sunburn," Ren agreed.
He then kept right on jogging.
"What... what the Hell was..." Yang said, openly gaping.
"What is going on?!" Melanie's voice came over the intercom. "I... that... she... she was in a bra, Yang!"
"I know!" Yang shrieked. "How did he... how did he...?! I know several heterosexual nuns that would have dragged Miltia into the backseat of that car if they'd come by while she looked like that!"
"I was going to 'conveniently' drive by after she'd snared him, but she... she didn't snare him! This has never happened before!" Melanie snapped, sounding like she had just seen a ghost... or rather, something that wasn't actually real. Like leprechauns. "I... I... my God. I'm not sure how to react to this. He didn't even ogle."
"Okay, we just need to consider a different appr-" Nora began.
"NO! We have not been turned down since high school, people! We used to sleep with the captain of the football team and the head cheerleader. And they were a couple. And they knew we were doing it." Melanie snapped. "We do not let a perfect record die here. We are gonna bang that dragonling like a damn bongo drum, and we will do it by the end of the week. Miltia! Break into the special reserves. We'll need popsicles, cheerleader uniforms, put all our old piercings back in, that sexy nun outfit you used in Singapore, and a tuba."
Nora blinked. "Yang? I think we might have like... unleashed something awful."
"... I confess, I'm mostly just curious to see what the tuba is for," Yang admitted.
"You couldn't imagine what the tuba is for, Yang," Miltia chimed in, her voice one of cold and iron. "For all your skills, you are but a gifted amateur. We are professionals. Nay... artists. And we. Shall. Not. Be. Denied!"
Four days later...
"I can't believe he's denied us!" Miltia sobbed.
"We tried everything! Does he have the libido of roadkill or what?!" Melanie said between wails and increasingly large and depressed shots of vodka.
Yang patted each of them on the back with one hand. "There, there. I still think you girls are insanely sexy. Why, I'd be willing to take you both back to my place right now and let you do whatever you wanted to me!"
"Would Weiss like that?" Nora asked. "Because I remember her coming in for coffee once, and she spent like, thirty minutes yelling at me because her whipped cream was low-fat instead of non-fat. And when she saw the sprinkles, she threatened to have my home bulldozed. So I think she'd probably take this badly."
"Nora, no offense, but you clearly don't understand the subtleties of draconic romance," Yang said.
Nora sighed. "Apparently not. I thought that Ren would easily be seduced by incredibly hot bimbos, but he seems immune."
"Oh God he is!" Melanie wailed.
"W-we're not hot bimbos at all! We're... we're just regular bimbos!" Miltia sobbed.
Nora patted them on the back. "There, there. I'm not even human and I think you're absurd. I've been having fantasies about you two in a big bowl of chocolate since we met."
"Y-you're just saying that..." Melanie pouted.
"No, really!" Yang said. "It's basically inhuman! You two are simultaneously alluring and horrifying in many ways."
Miltia gave a sad smile. "Awwww. You girls are great, y'know that? Really nice. It just... fills me with feelings of warmth and friendship. Wanna go have an orgy with strangers?"
"Miltia, it's not Tuesday," Melanie chided her.
"Well, I'm game no matter what day it is!" Yang offered.
Nora sighed. "Sorry, girls. My hormones are telling me I would really like to do something I'd clearly regret for the rest of my life, but I'm just too depressed. I really feel like I failed miserably here, y'know? And now Ren may never have amazing warrior children."
Melanie and Miltia paled, identical expressions of disgust twisting their faces.
"Children?" Miltia gasped.
"Those nasty little unhygenic things?"
"Tiny and smelly."
"Dirty and rude."
"Tiny little grasping hands like an opossum!"
Melanie shuddered. "Nora, dearest, your amazing legs do not earn you that much leeway. Consider us out of this plan. We despise children."
"Go quite out of our way to avoid them. The thought of...uuugh, having one..."
"Hold me, Melanie, I feel faint at the mere thought."
"Come, Miltia. Let my warmth comfort you."
"Mmmm...so soft...so warm..." Miltia murmured. Then, a second later, she purred, "Ooooh, and such wandering hands. Naughty girl."
"You love it."
"Mmmm, I do you absolute villain. It has been awhile, what say we just go home? I want to...show my appreciation."
"I was just thinking the same thing, dearest. Every so often you really do deserve my full attention..."
Nora blinked. "Aren't you sisters?"
In unison, the twins blinked. "So?"
Leaving Melanie and Miltia to their depravity (Though Yang did whimper a little at being dragged off) the defeated members of Team Get Ren Laid (Pronounced 'ruby') sat in the Sloth's Nest, nibbling on cookies.
Ruby said, "Sorry, Nora. I know you tried your best. But in the end, all we succeeded in doing was forcing me to explain to Blake that I'm not a big slut like my sister."
Blake shrugged. "To be fair, I have kind of learned that Yang lies a lot. Especially about topics like that."
"It isn't my fault humans are all squeamish about that stuff!" Yang said. "Why can't you just be more draconic? Mom and dad have had more extramarital lovers than some brothels, and they're still happy together. Hell, they share the cutest ones!"
"Because most of us view sex as something with emotions attached, not a game?" Blake murmured coldly. She was not technically a team member, but this was her usual booth and she liked cookies.
"If it isn't a game, then why is it so fun?" Yang said proudly, her air one of a person who is convinced their logic is unassailable.
"Sometimes I wonder why Weiss tolerates you."
"Because she accepts my incredible passions as a wonderful quality of mine, and knows I will always come back to my lovely lil' frost dragon," Yang said cheerfully. "Also we don't really talk about it. She asks fewer questions than you'd think!"
Nora sighed. "Why couldn't Ren have your healthy attitude?"
Ruby coughed. "It really stops being healthy once they stop hanging out with other dragons, Nora."
"Does nooooot!" Yang pouted.
"Fine. A viewpoint that makes my life easier, then," Nora said. "How the heck am I ever gonna farm Ren now? ... Crap, now even I'm calling it that!"
Blake shrugged. "If you haven't had luck with finding a mother, why not just explain what you want and ask him to donate to a sperm bank? He's healthy and draconic DNA doesn't show up in most exams. Nobody would turn him away."
For a long time, the table went silent.
"Ruby 3.0, you are a genius!" Nora crowed, dragging Blake out the door as she sprinted away.
"Bring her back when you're done, Nora!" Ruby said, waving goodbye.
Ren sighed in contentment and sipped his tea.
He liked Nora, he really did, but a break from her was welcome. He did not get many, and he tried to enjoy them when they happened, knowing full well the quiet would not last. And even better, he seemed to have finally shaken those bizarre twins. They had not seemed mean, exactly, but their oddly constant need for mechanics, plumbers, or pizza delivery men every time he ran into them had been rather off-putting.
And that thing with the tuba had been just bizarre.
So it was that he sat in his actual favorite cafe, the White Lotus. He did not dislike the tea at the Sloth's Nest, and it was far closer to his apartment, but the Lotus had a much greater variety of authentic Chinese blends, and...well, he did not tell Nora this, but he much preferred the atmosphere. Quiet, serene, lit by gentle lanterns and with soft music the only background noise. It was as much a place of meditation as a tea house, calming and peaceful. He sipped his first cup of Jasmine tea in months and enjoyed the quiet.
And then the door exploded off its hinges.
"Behold, Ren! I, Nora, have come for your sperm!" Nora screamed, a Tupperware container in one hand and Blake Belladonna dragged along by the other.
The clientelle of the teahouse (which, Ren noted with true horror, consisted mostly of people his grandmother's age) turned to stare at him. "Ah. Nora. Hi. Please leave."
"Not," she proclaimed, "without the preservation of your manly seed!" She held out the plastic bin and said, "Here ya go! I can wait."
"I'm really sorry," Blake muttered, blushing furiously. "I told her this was a terrible way to do this, but she doesn't listen and is...stronger than she looks."
Ren sighed. "That could be the title of my memoirs. 'I told her it was a bad idea, but she doesn't listen'."
"Catchy!" Nora said cheerfully, apparently unaware they were talking about her. Pretty standard Nora, in Ren's experience.
"Nora," Ren said, rather more gently than he should have given the situation, but he had learned long ago that getting angry at Nora was ineffective. It was a Viking thing; she reacted to anger by hammering. If you wanted to reason with her...well, you couldn't, but calmness was slightly more likely to achieve results. "I am absolutely not going to...how to put this."
"Jizz in the Tupperware?" Blake asked. She then winced. "Sorry. Too much time around Yang."
Nora's face fell. "But why noooooot?! It's a perfect plan! You don't have to be seduced or anything, and then you can have loads of amazing lil' Renlings! This is way better than witches or succubus orgies!"
"... Ignoring the majority of that statement for my own sanity," Ren said firmly. "I feel that creating a new life is a momentous event, and one that requires a great deal of forethought and a true need to pass on a legacy. It should not be done so lightly. ... Also, I have no idea why you care, but I know asking won't really help."
"But you overthink everything! If I leave it up to you, your family line of noble warriors will die out and then there won't be any more Lies for me to collect after they die in Norwaaaaaay!" Nora whined.
"... ... Nora, are you..."
"Yes, dammit! Yes, I am trying to farm you! I admit it! Are you happy, you bastard?!" Nora shrieked.
"... I was gonna ask 'are you serious', but sure." Ren shrugged. "Nora, I have four brothers, two sisters, and fifteen cousins. My family line is not in danger."
"But...but...no! They have to be your descendants! This is important."
"Nora. I want you to think back to the morning you determined this plan," Ren said gently. "Is this really important? Or did you eat thirty cupcakes and tell yourself it was important in mid-sugar rush?"
Nora pondered this, before turning her eyes on the ground and muttering something.
Nora sighed. "Not cupcakes. Double-chocolate mint cookies."
Ren sighed. "Thought so. Look, Nora. I may have children one day. I may not. It really isn't important. So stop worrying? I need my partner sharp."
Nora smiled slightly. "Well...okay. I guess so. It still feels like you should, though. You'd be a good dad."
Ren chuckled, and patted her on the shoulder. "Well, maybe someday. With a special girl, who know?"
Silence fell. Nora's eyes widened so much they looked like they would fall out of her head, and her face blushed so furiously she looked as though she would burst into flame. Then, with no warning at all, she let out an earsplitting shriek and ran out the door.
Ren blinked in confusion. "... ... What."
Blake smiled very slightly and patted him on the back. "I think," she said, "that someday very soon you will deeply regret the words you just spoke to Nora. Sorry."
Ren sighed, and rubbed his temples. "Another potential title for my memoirs..."
Blake patted him on the back again as they left the tea house, a dozen little old people still gaping at them.
"Well. Maybe your kids will enjoy reading them someday."