A/N: Fair warning: this fic will deal with some heavier stuff, such as depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, along with happier stuff like smut and copious amounts of cursing. And of course, icest (this is Powers!Elsa, btw.)
"Tomorrow," Anna's voice sang from the passenger side, her body so perked up from excitement that her back didn't even touch the fabric seats of Elsa's car. Her braids swung from her head like vines as she swayed, brushing up against her nearly bare, pink-singed shoulders, where freckles crawled up like paint splatters.
Trust me, I know.
"You move in," Elsa corrected, her gaze glued on the endless pavement that sprawled out in front of the two as she drove across the suburban hellhole the sisters were raised in.
"I move in tomorrow, to my first dorm. I can't believe it, I mean, like, I'm really, truly, going to be living on my own," the younger girl enthused, her cheeks as bright as the low-hanging sun that blinded Elsa's vision.
"Just be quiet and choose a station," Elsa muttered, hands so drenched with sweat they could hardly grip the steering wheel.
"You're such a dick sometimes." Anna tinkered around with the various knobs and presets on the dashboard, a symphony of genres in discord following each other until she decided on a station. Not this pop shit again.
"Wow, it's the station that plays the same song again and again. What's this, song number twelve? Almost as good as song number eleven!"
"Shut up, it's better than the indie crap you listen to all day," Anna scoffed, turning the volume up until the bass of the song thumped against Elsa's temples.
I'll ignore that. "You know, you're really not going to be truly living on your own. Wait until you live in an apartment and have to pay rent and buy your own food." She grabbed the knob and decreased the volume the instant her sister let go. "You get your own fucking meal plan and dining hall. I get ramen and, if I'm lucky, a bottle of coke."
"But Aunt Gerda pays for your rent and your food, because you can't even hold down a job," Anna said, her tone biting.
"Are you forgetting who's the one driving here, princess?" Elsa warned, tapping on the brakes lightly. The car behind them beeped, startling Anna, which drew a laugh out of the elder sister.
"Gross, don't call me that."
Princess. It was a frequent term of endearment that Anna and Elsa's parents used on the youngest before they passed away in a car crash four years prior, on a night that Elsa would swear was too fuzzy for her to recall completely, despite explicit details of the event often replaying at random moments in her head. Although Anna would insist that she had recovered mostly from the trauma of losing her parents in an accident, she held quite a bit of hesitation with car rides, draping fingers around her seat belt as though it were a cross. Elsa hadn't suffered from any long-term fears caused by the accident, unlike her sister, but her personality had grown cruder, wasting away to a skeletal frame of the Elsa she once was, as if the happiness and liveliness she had once harbored had vanished with her parents' life.
"Just don't get too used to having things handed to you. I'm not going to be running to your dorm room when you can't handle being away from auntie and uncle to hold you during the stormy nights."
"What is wrong with you?" Anna chuckled, holding a hand up to her freckled face that shook with each laugh. As hard as Elsa tried to restrain herself from looking over to Anna, remembering how stern her driver's ed teacher was about keeping her eyes on the fucking road, in her peripheral vision she could see her gorgeous eyes light up, as though someone from above was shining a spotlight into Anna's face with the sole intention of making Elsa's life even more torturous.
What's wrong? What's wrong is I can't stand the thought of you being so close to me again. I went to college to get away from these stupid fucking feelings that tore my heart apart every night. Why did you even have to apply to the same Goddamn college as me? Elsa's head grew warm with apprehension, losing focus on the road for a brief moment.
"Red light!" Anna shouted, recoiling her small frame back into the passenger seat like a startled animal.
"Shit!" Elsa slammed her foot on the brakes, the cheap piece of crap she called her car barely halting before the white line.
The duo almost smashed into the dashboard, saved only by the strong integrity of their seat belts, flinging back into their seats once the car responded to her braking. Again, the car behind hers replied with an abrupt honk, which accomplished nothing but agitating Elsa even further. A small flurry of snow formed around her shaking fingertips, the eldest sister losing control of her formerly well-concealed powers in a flash of fear.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry, I didn't see that light there." Elsa's heart was making a bid for an escape from her chest, her posture switching from relaxed to almost exceedingly tense.
"How? We drive through this light almost every day. We're going to Target, not fucking Alaska."
With great hesitance, Elsa looked over to Anna in hopes she wasn't as mad as she sounded. An unrelenting glare and arms crossed tight against her chest-nope, she's pissed. Good job, you know her one fear and almost made it a reality because you can't control your stupid urges.
"I'm sorry. I'm distracted. I'm nervous about going back to school." Yeah, nice half-assed lie.
"Whatever. Just drive." Anna's tone dropped dramatically, stare fixed forward without even being so kind enough to return Elsa's gaze.
Elsa wished she could push the door open and abandon her car and her sister in sheer embarrassment. A feeling settled in her stomach as though a large boulder was dropped there, weighing her body down into a sulk. The image of a resentful Anna in the seat next to her haunted the outline of her eyesight, no matter how hard she tried to concentrate on the asphalt in front of her.
The sisters didn't speak for the rest of the trip—even if there was much to discuss.
"Elsa," a feminine voice called from the hallway, slithering through the open slivers bordering Elsa's doors.
Elsa's eyes shot open, met with the darkness in her room that wasn't there when she dozed off an uncertain amount of time ago. What? What time is it? She slammed her hand around the bed until her fingers grasped the edges of what she was looking for, her old, junky cell phone she hadn't quite had the funds yet to replace.
9:18. Crap. I missed dinner. Elsa rose from her bed, her sheets haphazardly strayed around the mattress, as disorganized and disheveled as the blond hair on her head that was, at one point in the day, braided carefully. The light from her laptop, perched on the desk near her window, illuminated the mess of stuff purchased with Anna earlier in the day, a shopping trip whose awkwardness and shame she could gladly forget. Even if she achieved obtaining items necessary to continue scraping by in apartment life, the damage she had done to her relationship with Anna was not worth the sideways glances and exaggerated sighs that populated the errand.
Screw it. I'll just pack in the morning.
"What!" Elsa responded, her gravely voice as boisterous as her grogginess would permit.
"Well—uh, first, can I—can I open the door?" Anna's voice was loud enough to tip Elsa off that she was inches away from the other side of her door.
Elsa took a moment to examine herself in what little light her cell phone provided, her white t-shirt stained with red spills from the spaghetti she ate for lunch like pathetic war splatters, her chest, bra-less and admittedly small, shamefully showing through the thin fabric that shrouded her body. So much for getting my act together this summer.
"No." Elsa plopped back onto her bed with a gurgled groan. She felt so much better when she was asleep, where, for a few hours, she could pretend she existed in a world where Anna didn't exist, a reality where she wasn't consumed by these sick, sick feelings that were getting more difficult to repress with each passing sunset.
"Too bad, I'm coming in." Anna's voice grew clarity as Elsa's door creaked open, an abundance of light spilling in and hitting her unprepared eyes.
"Fuck, Anna." Elsa pulled the sheets up to her neck, clutching onto them tightly. I should probably be more embarrassed of my 101 Dalmatians sheets than my sauce-stained, see-through shirt. She sat up, her eyes slowly focusing in on the invading redhead.
"Well, excuse me for wanting to talk to you like the good little sister I am," she teased as she walked into Elsa's room.
Don't say that. Don't ever say that again, lest you want me to jump you like the bad, older sister I am.
Anna's eyes locked onto Elsa, who pulled her sheets even closer to her body, sinking her head into her shoulders. "What?"
"I just need to talk you about something." Anna peeked at the floor behind her, then returned her concentration to her blushing sister. "Actually, two. Two things." She held out two fingers, knuckles curling in front of her grinning face.
"Just say it already, for Christ's sake."
"First, what's with the mess? I thought you were supposed to be the clean one, remember?" Anna sat down next to Elsa, who flinched as soon as she felt her bed shake from Anna's weight.
"I'm tired and, I don't know, who cares? I'm moving tomorrow, what's the fucking point?" Elsa scooted her exhausted self away from Anna. The last thing she needed was whatever godforsaken scent Anna was wearing today infiltrating her sense of smell, reminding her simultaneously how oblivious Anna was when it came to how much body spray was enough, and how hopelessly smitten Elsa was that even her unwanted scent put a stop to her pulse.
"Apparently you also swear a lot when you're tired, too," Anna pointed out, prodding Elsa's hunched shoulder with a bony finger.
"Oh, please, forgive me for not being the proper little angel mom and dad thought I was," Elsa grumbled, cringing away from Anna's poke. "What was the other stuff you were going to talk to me about, anyway?"
"Okay, the other thing was – wait, why are you holding your sheets up so close to you like that? Are you—are you naked?"
"No, I just look like shit," Elsa stated bluntly, shrugging, although a deeper blush surfaced on her pale cheeks. Is she picturing me naked? No, don't be ridiculous. She's not as disgusting and sick as I am.
"I'm your sister, you don't have to worry about looking bad in front of me."
If only you knew. "Just tell me what you came in here to say, because I'm hungry and if you don't leave soon, it won't be pretty," Elsa warned, the vibrations in her stomach increasing in magnitude, loud enough to be heard by anyone else in her proximity.
"Don't eat me," Anna laughed, cowering away from Elsa. Oh, God, Anna. Elsa hated herself for the indecent place her mind crept into after Anna spoke. "Anyways, so yeah, earlier today—I mean, I was kind of a colossal asshole to you, what with not talking to you, and whatever, even though you took me out to buy shit for school and...uh, yeah..."
"No, you weren't a colossal asshole. More like a mega asshole."
Anna nodded subtly. "Okay, mega asshole. But, you know, it's still really tough for me." Anna paused for an intense moment and continued, sighing. Whether or not her pause added any substance to the conversation, it certainly enhanced the uneasiness that plagued Elsa. "But maybe I shouldn't have decided to punish you by ignoring you."
"Well, I guess I was kind of a jerkass to you, too. Tapping the brakes was an insensitive thing to do on my part. And I should probably pay more attention to the road next time." Elsa bit her lip, riddled with guilt as she avoided any eye contact with Anna.
"We're both stupid and mean, how's that?" Anna elbowed Elsa's ribs. Stop touching me. Please.
"I am, but you're not. You're not an asshole."
"But you said I was."
"I was being an asshole, because that's what I am, don't you listen?" Elsa jested with a smirk. An actual smile. I'm actually smiling. Holy crap.
"Let's just agree that we're both sorry?" Anna requested, her pitch rising with hope.
"Sure." Stop smiling. Stop fucking smiling, you look like an idiot. The best Elsa could do was grip her bottom lip between her front teeth in a struggle to conceal her grin, but she was about as inconspicuous as a carrot in a torrent of white snow.
"Awesome. Also, I couldn't help but notice—I mean, your hands, I saw ice—again, and I—"
"It happens. You know I can't control it sometimes, how many times do I have to talk to you about this?" Elsa's smile was wiped as easily it formed, raising her voice at Anna, though immediately regretting her tone once the anger-laced sentence fell out of her mouth. She's just worried about you, you ass. It's probably hard as all hell for her to even bring it up with you.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm just concerned, because it's been happening more, or I think so, at least," Anna noted, her eyes craning up towards the ceiling as though she were struggling to think. God, she's so adorable.
"I know. I'll get it under control. I just really don't want to talk about it." Elsa calmed her voice into an inflection less threatening, sighing down at the carpet as she reigned her hands even closer to her body.
"All right. So, uh, hug?" Anna held her arms out towards Elsa, whose eyes immediately darted to her sister's upper body, presented in its fully clothed glory, forbidden treasure encased in an off-limits valley of green.
No, no, don't, you have no idea what you're doing to me. "I'm not letting go of these sheets," she excused, straining her eyes away from Anna.
"That's all right." Anna wrapped warm arms around Elsa's neck, pulling her overwhelmed sister so close to her body she almost couldn't breathe, lungs struggling to expand in her constricted torso. Coconut. She's wearing coconut scent today. Elsa inhaled the strawberry blonde's scent forcefully, her nose growing sore as the smell plundered her senses, not even trying to mask the fact that she was purposely inhaling her sisters aura. It nearly distracted her from the uncomfortable fact that Anna's breasts were pressing up against Elsa's hands that clasped onto her bed sheets tightly, too restrained against Anna to move more than a few desperate centimeters.
As soon as Anna ceased the embrace, abandoning Elsa in a shivering mess, Anna hopped up from Elsa's bed, starting towards the hallway where the lights were flooding in from. She stopped in the doorframe and twirled towards Elsa, who was struggling to calm herself, Anna's face as cheerful and lit as always. "Your hair looks pretty cool like that. Keep it like that."
If you're being serious, then I'll never touch it again.
After Anna carefully shut the door, darkness once again consuming Elsa's room as a sort of terrible reminder of her own life, Elsa groaned and threw herself down onto her bed, the furniture bouncing underneath her as the creaking of her cheap mattress bounded around the room.
No sane person gets turned on by their own younger sister hugging her like that. Just let it pass. And if you ever touched yourself over something like that, I swear to fucking God you're sicker than you even think.
She reached over to her nightstand to turn her lamp on, the lights flickering until creating a stationary illumination. She stared at the pile of items she needed to pack into her car the next morning, to drive across the state for five hours with her sister seated next to her the entire time, completely oblivious to everything, every fucking feeling, every night she spent grasping at her hair in pure madness, every day she wished Anna never applied to the same university as she did.
Every day her heart broke at how stupid she was to fall in love with her own little sister.