Disclaimer: Not Mine
A/N: Thank you to JediSapphire for the quick beta
Summary: The faked voicemail used to push Sam into killing Lilith. Those cruel and hurtful words Sam never forgot are relevant to the boys differences now.
Charlie temporarily back from Oz had joined the brothers at the bunker for a weekend of intense research. The three of them settling in the Library planned to use all the resources the Men of Letters offered to find a place to start solving their Angel problem.
"Not feeling well?" Charlie asked a pale and congested Sam.
"It's just a cold, I'm fine." He down played it, no surprise to her.
"Can I get you something, maybe some tea?"
"Actually that sounds good Charlie, thank you," Sam smiled at her.
"No problem," She turned to Dean. "How about you?"
"No I'm good," Dean answered his seemingly lack of concern about his brother being sick not missed by Charlie. But after being filled in by Dean on their situation she brushed it off as being par for the course.
They spent the entire day looking into anything Angel related and came up empty. Sam just got worse.
"It's nothing a good night's sleep won't help," He assured a worried Charlie. But he wasn't able to hide the hurt in his eyes at Dean not even bothering to ask how he was or look up from what he was doing.
After Sam had gone to his room Charlie leaned over and punched Dean in the arm.
"Ouch," Dean grunted looking up. "What the hell was that?"
"That's my question for you!" Charlie deflected. "You know your brother is sick right?"
"I'm just doing what Sam asked."
"What acting like you don't care?"
"His terms were to keep it business like, it's what he insisted on."
"Well don't get lost in the part mister. You never know what you might miss."
"What are you talking about?"
"I know how much you care and that you're dying inside with this arrangement," The truth had Dean quickly close to tears.
"But you're not the only one hurting, Dean," Charlie said taking his hand.
"Your brother's face when you didn't seem to care he was sick. It looked as heartbroken as yours does now."
"Maybe we've been in these business only roles for so long we don't know how to get out."
"How long has it been?"
The following morning the three of them were back at the research again with Sam now running a low fever. But he still insisted on being the one this time to make the tea, but while getting up to do so he lost his balance, grabbing the nearest chair to steady himself. Charlie and Dean both at his side quickly grabbed hold of him.
"Didn't think you cared," Sam pulled away from Dean to sit back in the chair.
"I always have Sam, you're the one who decided I didn't," Dean sat down opposite him.
"When exactly did I do that?"
"You're kidding me right?" Dean shook his head in disbelief. "Your whole thinking that I saved you just for myself, so I wasn't alone. Did you forget that as I sure haven't!"
"What else was I supposed to think, Dean, after what you said?"
"After what I said? Do you mean when I said you are my brother and I saved you because you are the most important person in my life. Or was it when I said I wouldn't let you die because it's not in me to do that? Which was it as I don't think either pointed me out as being a selfish dick."
"No, it was when you said I'm done saving you."
"I never said that and you know it Sam," Dean wanted to think this was Sam's fever talking but it wasn't that high. What he would soon figure out was it was just high enough combined with all the emotional and physical turmoil Sam had been through this past year to get him to open up on something so painful and long-buried.
"You said it in the voice mail you left me Dean."
"No. It never happened and what voice mail are you talking about?"
"The one I heard when I was with Ruby."
"The one from what like 5 years ago Sam?"
"Yes the voice mail I listened to when I was having doubts about killing Lilith. I haven't forgotten a word of what you said Dean. That I was a monster, a vampire, not me anymore . And there's no going back. That I'm a blood-sucking freak and you're done trying to save me."
Dean stood there stunned into silence. He couldn't utter a word watching his brother teary eyed leave the room. Not a flinch when Sam's bedroom door slammed shut. Dean knew he had said things he regretted,things that had set his brother back on his heels, but this. No. He could never say, let alone think these things and he remembered well the message he left Sam that they were brothers about all else.
That bastard Zechariah had changed it, altered it. That was the nudge he spoke of and all the consequences that came about from that one changed voice mail in their lives and in the worlds. Yet all Dean could think about was Sam and how the most important person in his world was suffering, and that he'd suffered immensely because of this and believed all these years that those cruel words he heard that night were his.
Dean sent Charlie on her way thanking her and promising to call but that it might be a while because he was going to lock himself in the room with his little brother and after telling Sam what his true voice mail was, they were going to stay there until they worked this out between them. The Angels could wait.