The ground is cold and hard as I lay on it, looking up at the sky. All I see is grey clouds, dark and evil as they quickly move past. They seem to oppress me, making me feel smaller, smaller than I already feel. Pain is all I feel, and a little bit of despair. She is dead. She is gone. And I have no one else.
I miss her. Every day is a struggle. I feel as though there is a large cement block resting on my lungs, holding me down. I cannot breathe, even now as I lay on the ground, fully spread out on my back, I cannot breathe. I cannot live. I am so distracted by the loss of her that I do not even realise that she is gone some times. I keep wanting to walk to her room, but then when I get there and open the door she is not there. It does not hit me that she is really gone until I sit on her bed to wait for her and she doesn't come.
Shortly after I lost her I lost Uriah. It was not as bad for me as her loss, but I believe it was because I could not feel anymore. After everything that has happened, I just cannot imagine having the deep emotions that I had before. All I feel is a constant agony and need to pull her towards me, for one last kiss that will never happen. For one last embrace that will never come.
I sit up to stare into space. I see train tracks that lead to nowhere, the fog is dense in that direction and after a few yards they just disappear. I wonder what it would be like to just disappear.
I still am confused by the situation, with how she died. I have seen the footage and heard the story plenty of times, but I am still so confused. I would not have done what she did if I was in her place. I would not have told Caleb to stay and run into the room myself. I am not that selfless. But she was.
Because deep down she was Abnegation.
She must have believed that if she could beat the other serums she could beat the death serum. She was probably weighing the possibilities in her mind, what would happen if she did beat the serum. I watched her from the cameras and she did seem to overcome it, at least partially. She didn't die right away after contact with it. I wish I could know what she was thinking. She was very smart, and knew exactly what to do.
Because deep down she was Erudite.
The same question always pops into my mind and has been in and out of my focus since her death. What was her last thought? What was on her mind as she was dying? Did she want to die? I shake my head, no she did not want to die. She told her brother that. But then, if she didn't want to die, why would she walk directly into a place that she knew would most likely kill her?
Because deep down she was Dauntless.
She was so many things that she could not be defined. She was uncontrollable and no matter what she did what she wanted to do, not what anyone else wanted her to do. She did what she believed in which made her dangerous. I thought I knew why Jeanine wanted to kill her, because she was risky and could not be controlled, even with the interference of the serums. But it was not necessarily the control Jeanine wanted, it's was Tris herself. Because she was not just one thing; she was many things.
Because Tris was Divergent.
I sigh and look back at the tracks and notice the fog receding. I hear a train horn, and notice the light piercing through the fog and making its way forward. I take one last look around, to the place where I thought I belonged, and think about how bitter sweet my life is. I realise that it is time to release the burden on my chest, because Tris would not want it there; she is selfless and would care only about my happiness. I think about the possibilities I have before me: I could leave Chicago, I could stay and live in the world the way it is now, or I could stay and make a difference. As the train approaches I make my decision.
I jump and I feel my body slam onto the floor of the train compartment. It hurts, but the pain quickly subsides. I stick my body out the opening, holding on with only a hand and a foot, and let the wind flow around me. It feels like it is taking a piece of me with it, and leaving a new Tobias. A Tobias with a new perspective, who no longer has a cement block resting on his chest. As the train slows to the Abnegation sector I jump off and land on my feet.
It is time to make a difference, to finally do what is right. It is time to make her proud. Because she is not the only Divergent. I am Divergent as well, and I cannot be controlled.
AN: Thank you so much for reading this story. Please review and tell me if there is anything I can improve on, or if you believe I portrayed this character accurately. This is my first fanfiction in Tobias' perspective, so I was kind of worried about it. Please tell me if there is anything I can do better next time, or just say hi! Thank you so much!