Bear In The Big Blue House:


Written by The Old Sock and Wisdom

Episode I

            It was a day like any other day.  Bear of Bear In the Big Blue House fame was going about his daily routines when inside his tiny little mind sprouted the concept of moon bathing.  He was just doing his mopping when he got the idea and he began to straddle the mop in anticipation of the erotic possibilities that the event could hold.

            'Unf,' said Bear.  Then he noticed that the children were present.  'Oh hello,' he said, smelling the camera playfully.  'Where have you been today?  Hmmmm? Sniff sniff sniff.  You smell bad.  Like an old shoe that has been soaking in vinegar out in the hot sun.  You kind of smell like that.  What do you think of that?  Huh?  I didn't think so.'  Bear resumed his wanton broom-molestations until finally again re-addressing the audience.

            'Hey, I had a good idea, mm hmm,' he said nodding his head with his eyes closed.  When his eyes popped back open in a frightful manner, he spoke again thus: 'I was just thinking of moon bathing.  What do you think of that?  Huh?  Do you know what moon bathing is, kids?  I didn't think so, because it's my idea.  Don't steal it or I'll come and stick lemons in your mouth.  Do you like lemons?  Huh?  No, I didn't think so.  Anyways, unless you little brats have something else to say, I think we should go visit my friend Tutter.  I heard he was doing something special today that you may want to hear about.'

            Bear led the audience down through the front of the house into the kitchen where Tutter the blue mouse was seated behind the counter snacking on some cheetos.  There were tracks of orange cheese all over the kitchen from Tutter's messy hands.  When Bear saw this he laughed and approached Tutter fondly.  'Wow, Tutter, you've made one hell of a mess.'

            'Thanks, Bay-er.  I sure do love cheetos and other cheesy products.  Would you like to try some Bay-er?  Would you like to?  Ooo, oo, oo, oo!  Bay-er, they are so cheesy.'

            Bear eyed Tutter through the corner of his eye.  He spoke through his teeth: 'No, thank you, but it was nice of you to offer me some of your cheesy, cheesy cheetos.'  Then Bear placed a hand around Tutter's head, seeming like a friendly gesture but quickly became harsh. 'Tutter. Don't you see that we have guests? Say, hello to them. Now.'

            Tutter's eyes began to bulge and a terrible trembling consumed his body. When he spoke it was with careful words. 'Hello… guests. Good to see you. I h-'

            Throwing Tutter back, Bear said imperiously, 'Enough.' His head swiveled and his hawk-like eyes looked into the next room. 'I see Ojo,' he said as if he had something evil and cruel planned for the red bear.

            He crouched hidden behind the counter, laying in wait for his prey. He smothered Tutter with his giant forearm so that he would be unable to alert Ojo of their presence. The unsuspecting bear waddled into the kitchen singing a melody. As she turned her back to take some honey from one of the cupboards a giant shadow loomed over her back. Wide-eyed and fearful she slowly turned around to see what hideous surprise approached her. Upon seeing Bear standing over her, switching his weight between his feet and causing his groin to swing, she shrieked.

            Ojo knew exactly what to do.  Bear leapt after her at the speed of light just as Tutter screamed to her to run and save herself.  Ojo jumped out of Bear's path just as he came crashing down onto the floor.  She ran out of the kitchen and frantically tried to decide upon a further course of action.  But she didn't have any time to think.  Bear had gotten up and was right behind her.  She flew up the stairs hoping to receive succor from Treelow or at the least lock herself within the bedroom.  Bear careened up the stairway after her, carelessly breaking everything in his path and heaving such dastardly threats as 'I'm going to smash you' and 'you're mine'.

            Ojo's stubby little legs pumped up and down violently as she raced without abandon to the upper quarters of the house.  Just as she reached the second floor, Bear fell forward and grabbed onto her ankle, refusing to allow her to run any further.

            'Oh God of mercy' screamed Ojo.  Her voice was a shrill scream as Bear's iron grip crushed several delicate bones within her leg.  Not going to give up, she propelled herself by grabbing onto the carpet and tried dragging herself away from Bear.  The tension in her leg was almost too much for her constitution and when it was suddenly torn off she almost passed out from the pain.  But just then she saw standing over her what appeared to be an angel.  It grabbed her by the hands and dragged her across the hallway away from the killer Bear that threatened her.  A door closed behind her.  She was within the bedroom.

            'Buro-row-roo!' said the Angel.  It was Treelow.  He had saved her.

            Outside, Bear, realizing his defeat.  Conceded the chase, satisfied in having torn his victim's leg off.  Placing the tasty appendage within his gaping maw, he again addressed the neglected audience.  'Oh hello,' he said.  'Anyways, we were talking about moon bathing!  Moon bathing is this neat thing where at night, one strips down to their bear—hawhawhaw—essentials.  I think I'll try it tonight!  But hey, let's see how Tutter is doing.  We never got to really talk to the little runt.'

            Bear heaved his weight in the direction of the kitchen.  Rejoining Tutter, he found the little mouse had been so excited that he had vomited all over the kitchen and was now desperately, in his sickness, trying to clean up the contents of his stomach.

            'Oh, I'm so sowwy Bay-er,' said Tutter the blue mouse afraid that Bear might again take the offense.  'Oh God,' he wept into his hands.  'What is that you have in your mouth?' he asked suddenly realizing the horrible wrong that had been committed.  'Oh sweet Jesus.  What did you do to Ojo you—you-!'

            'You what?' asked Bear showcasing his size to the little blue mouse.  Tutter backed down as he realized he was no match for the gigantic mammal.  'Anyways,' said Bear, 'I was just telling the audience—say hello Tutter—about my plans for moon bathing.  I thought you might have some ideas on the subject.'

            Tutter was still uncontrollably weeping into his palms when Bear addressed the question to him.  He looked up slowly to the audience who patiently and sympathetically awaited the mouse's words of wisdom.  Tutter gripped a cheeto affectionately and, breaking into song, he spoke to the audience thus:

If it's too hot outside in the day,

But you want to get out anyway,

Just ask the moon about something to do

They'll tell you moon bathing is for you!

Just slip off your clothes

Take a seat in the yard

That's how it goes

Now that isn't hard!

Is it?  Haw haw haw!

            Bear slapped Tutter across the face.  The poor mouse flew across the room and landed head first into the garbage disposal.  As Tutter screamed amendments and apologies along with several questions concerning his future and whereabouts Bear crept nonchalantly over to the sink serenading the trek with an innocent whistle.  As Bear came closer to the mouse, Tutter sensed his nearness and his apologies became more frequent and more intense.  Soon he was saying his final prayers and abandoned all hope of peaceful reconciliation.

            But just then, contrary to Tutter's beliefs that he was going to die, Bear was suddenly stopped with an extended hand towards the disposal button by two very friendly purple otters.  It was Pip and Pop.

            'Hey Bear, what are you up to?' snickered Pip.

            'It looks like he's killing Tut-ter!' said Pop.

            'Whoa man,' said Pip sliding across the floor in a cool pose.  'That ain't cool of you Bear.  You can't just off people like that.  Man, Tut-ter's your friend!'

            'Nee hee hee hee!' said Pop.  'Yeah, Bear, give the guy a break!'

            To which Bear replied: 'oh yeah?  What are you punks going to do about it?'

            Pip and Pop eyed each other hesitantly through the corners of their eyes.  Nodding resolutely, they jumped frantically into the air and began hopping about screaming the words: 'Bear, we gotta pee!'  The walls were painted yellow as the two otters relieved themselves willingly in a blaze of urinary glory.  Bear was forced to evacuate the room in fear of that he might catch something.

            'Oh yuck, yuck yuck!' he said as he ran back into the main hall of the house.

            With Bear gone, the two otters could free the near-dead mouse from the garbage disposal. Before finally passing out, Tutter whispered his thanks and then was whisked away by the heroic otters to the bedroom, where there was talk of vengeance.

            'Anyways,' said Bear. He once again faced the patient audience. 'I was telling you about my great idea of moon bathing. I know what I should do. Forget what you think about it, I'll ask that special friend of mine. If we call her and look for her she might appear. Come on.'

            He began to walk away, but turned back and saw the audience hadn't moved. He eyed them with an unspoken threat.

            Bear began to sing in his lilting voice, 'Where, oh where is Shadow?' He looked side to side but saw nothing and moved on. 'Where, oh where is Shadow?' Again, he looked side to side and there on the wall he saw his 'special friend'.

            The feminine shape did a little jig, laughing for no apparent reason. 'Hi there, Bear,' Shadow cried gleefully.

            'Hello, Shadow. Say, do you have a story for us today?' asked Bear.

            'Oh, I don't know about that…' Shadow said, looking around as if she were waiting for something or someone. 'Got a lot-' She stopped upon seeing the growing expression of anger on Bear's impatient face. 'Oh, crap. Well… okay, watch this! Hee hee!'

            Thus began a shadow play.

            A farmer was farming in his field when all of the sudden he was hid on the head with a considerably large piece of cheese.

            'Hey,' he said, 'My head was just hit by a considerably large piece of cheese.'

            He broke off a chunk and ate it without caution.

            'It's cheddar,' he said.

            Then a sweaty pig wobbled up next to the farmer and eyed the cheese.

            'What kind of cheese is that?' asked the pig.

            'It's Swiss,' the farmer said.

            'Great! Swiss cheese is my favorite,' said the sweaty pig.

            The farmer handed the pig some of the cheese and the pig ate it. And so ended the story.

            Back in the big blue house, after watching the story, Bear turned to Shadow and saw that she was in the middle of a cocaine transaction. Realizing that the story was over Shadow hustled the junkie out of the house, pocketing the cash in her undergarments.

            'What was that?' shouted Bear. 'You're using my house to trade coke in?'

            Shadow laughed and playfully said, 'Catch me if you can!'

            Just as she disappeared Bear lunged forward and met only the wall, slamming into it with enough force to shake the entire house. Upstairs within the bedroom, the two otters, the bear, lemur and little blue mouse all wondered who it was that had angered Bear and pitied the poor soul.

            Picking himself up from the ground and shaking his head, Bear groaned and rubbed the lump. Ignoring his audience he meandered toward the staircase. He gave a disgruntled wave of dismissal and lumbered up the steps and into the attic.  Attached to this room was an open balcony. It was there that he planned to carry out his scheme. Dragging a lawn chair out, Bear then lay across it with a loud sigh.

            'Haw haw haw,' he laughed boorishly, 'This sure is a great idea, this moon bathing. I'm so damn smart.'  Bear reclined into a burlesque pose, buttocks upwards.  Slowly the moon began to rotate around the earth within view of the big blue house.  Bear felt the light rays upon his exposed body and moaned happily.  Just then he heard a strange voice.

            'Holy God,' said a woman's voice.

            Bear turned around, frightened, 'what is that?' he asked.  Looking up into the sky he saw that it was the moon that had spoken!  'You can speak?' said Bear, taking a place back onto the lounge chair.

            'Yes, I can,' said the moon in a gentle voice.  'And it's such a pleasure to shine brightly upon you in the night!  Tell me, what is your name?'

            'I'm Bear,' said Bear.

            'I am Luna.'

            'I think I am in love,' said Bear, gripping the abundance of flesh residing within his monstrous backside.  The moon shone down proudly upon those two mounds of jolliness.  For the first time both Bear and the Moon had found love—though it was a forbidden one as they could never be together.

            'But we are worlds apart,' said Luna.  But she knew that she felt a mutual affection towards Bear.

            'I know,' said Bear, 'we can never be together, but still I must love thee.'

            'Oh Bear,' said Luna.

            'Say, Luna,' said Bear, 'let us meet here every night and we will form a ritual of singing a song I like to call The Goodbye Song.'

            'Oh-ho-ho Bear.  I would love to,' chuckled Luna.

Seems Our Fun Had Just Begun,

When Suddenly We're Through.

Good-bye, Good-bye, Good friends Good-bye!

Now It's Time to Go.

But Hey, I Say, Well That's Okay

Because We'll See you Very Soon I Know.

Very Soon I Know!

Good-bye, Good-bye, Good friends Good-bye,

            Then off Luna went, closing her eyes in ecstasy, as she continued her rotation around the world.  Bear sighed a heavy sigh of relief.  He thought it was all over, but just then Treelow, Pip & Pop, Tutter, and Ojo all jumped onto the balcony to exact their revenge upon the dallying Bear.

            Ojo punched Bear in the face and continued to inflict other injuries upon Bear as the others restrained the monster.  Pip & Pop, having drunken several quarts of apple juice in preparation for this moment, let themselves loose upon Bear as if their bladders contained an endless supply of urine.  Treelow assisted Ojo by supporting her while she used her one leg to kick Bear in the face and Tutter slashed Bear up with a knife.

            Laughing maniacally and feeling satisfied with the damage they had done, they all retreated back into the house, leaving the injured Bear on the balcony.  Picking himself back up slowly and again wandering away from the audience, Bear went back into the attic and reached to turn off the light.  Following him, the audience watched as the room grew dim.

            'Oh,' said Bear, reaching again for the light and illuminating the room.  'One more thing: don't ever come back.'  Bear turned the light back off and with slow resolution clamored back down the stairs.

The End