Never Shoulda Taken that Right Toin at Albuquerque

by Ironbear

Story Blurb: Xander inadvertently creates a Cordelia monster and Faith gets just a wee bit carried away in some role playing of her own. And then things get bizarre. PWmP: Porn With Minimal Plot.

Title: "Never Shoulda Taken that Right Toin at Albuquerque"

Author: Ironbear

Rating: X. Maybe more than one X. (FR-21)

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel the Series and characters thereof belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Brothers, 20th Century Fox, and Kazui Entertainment. Everyone else belongs to their respective owners, except for my own original characters. And hey – I'm not greedy about them.

This is a work of derivative fiction. All persons, characters, names, places, locations, entities, personages, and/or deities contained within are purely fictional, or fictional representations thereof, and any resemblance to any real persons, characters, names, places, locations, entities, personages, and/or deities are purely coincidental, or they are used in a purely fictional manner.

Summary: Well, adventures in role playing turn into even more adventures while Faith takes things well in hand – and is off and running on an adventure of her own. And the fallout from last session's adventure is still hitting the whirling blades... with more yet to come.

Type: BtVS non-crossover, Romance, Fantasy, Comedy, PWP. And a romantic comedy of errors.

Chronology: Takes place just after "Beauty and the Beasts" in BtVS season 3. Takes place shortly after "The Nighthawk Comes at Midnight."

Pairings: Xander Harris and Cordelia Chase

Author's Note(s): Huh. Somehow, this seems to have developed into a very related series of stories called: "Tails of the Vampire (s)Layer", set in the "Take Me and Stake Me" 'verse. Since I've gotten inspired to do more of them and they've run away with my muse. PWP with at least a little bit of not completely irrelevant plot.

Het, naturally, given the players involved.

Warning! Ah... screw it. If you read "Take Me and Stake Me I & II", you pretty much know what's in here. Sex, and more sex, and then some more sex. And violence. Kinda. Along with some meaningless and gratuitous storyline for seasoning. And even some gratuitous fucking to go along with all of the sex.

Never Shoulda Taken that Right Toin at Albuquerque

by Ironbear

Part I: Foul Play and Foreplay and Foreplay is Foul Play...

"Sex either blows your fucking mind, or it's not good enough." ― Karen Marie Moning

Friday, October 23: Sunnydale High School – late late morning:

Xander Harris was disgruntled.

Okay, maybe disgruntled was a bit strong. Assuming that he was certain what it meant, that is. It definitely sounded like what he was feeling, though. He at the very least wasn't a happy student, or camper, for that matter. Not completely happy, anyway.

By all rights, he reflected, he really kinda should be.

Happy, that is.

For the one thing, the anticipated Willow freakage hadn't materialized. Apparently, Faith had kept her word, and Buffy hadn't made an inadvertent slip and blurted out, "Xander and Cordelia were having public sex in the cemetery!" in Will's hearing. Or else the little blonde had been way too preoccupied to think or blurt about them.

Which was majorly of the likely.

The day after she and Faith had happened upon Xander and Cordelia in mid... uh... okay, now, what was that high falutin' phrase for that sort of thing? Fragrant delicatessen? Naw, that wasn't it.

Oh, hell: locked in mid-ungh as Faith would put it.

The day after Buffy had found them locked in mid-ungh, that whole business with Pete the mystically chemically enhanced girl beater had started up. Started with a bang and a whimper, too, with suspicions that Wolfie Oz had gotten out of his kennel in the night while Faith was dozing on duty. And then had mauled someone...

Not a good state of affairs for Oz or Willow to be dwelling in.

Faith, of course, had caught Giles' displeasure over the whole mess, along with the more acerbic edge of Giles' tongue and wit. (Heh: acerbic. And they thought Xander never learned anything in school other than how to run from monsters!) Not even Cordelia's own perceptive and sarcastic observation that, "Gee, it sure is strange how a werewolf let himself out of the book cage and then back in and closed himself up again. What'd he do: pick the lock?" had helped.

Probably the sarcasm. Cordy had a definite talent for making a pithy observation and setting Giles' teeth on edge sometimes...

Neither had Xander's: "Wow. Funny how Oz didn't smash out the window going through it. Or shred Faith on the way out."

That got them both frosty glares and a very British sounding "Harrumph," and grumble.

That also had distracted Willow from all other considerations aside from proving Oz's innocence. And it was hilarious – to Xander anyway – how Cordy's comments had suddenly made her a natural ally: Will had immediately turned the big green puppy dog eyes on her and enlisted her help as research assistant and girl detective in helping her and Oz clear his wolfy name. Snerk.

Then it had turned out that it wasn't Oz – duh! - it was Scott Hope's friend Pete instead. Hazards of playing Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on the Hellmouth.

Scott Hope being Buffy's current infatuation and possible new boyfriend type interest.

So, Buffy had been wrapped up with Scott, Pete, and Pete's girlfriend Debbie every spare moment and free period. Willow and Cordy had been wrapped up for a day or so in sleuthing. Xander had been, ah...

Well, not doing much at all, other than commiserating with Oz. Becuz the Buffster had made it clear that she was pointedly excluding Xander and Cordy from her little world right now. Especially him for some reason. And Will wasn't much for intentionally going against Buffy when she was in a snit...

Buffy was making it clear that she was obviously less than of the gruntled with them herself.

Mostly him.

It became real obvious right away when Buffy made a point of talking almost exclusively to Giles, Willow, and Oz, while pointedly ignoring Xander, Cordy, and Faith. (Xander wasn't sure how Faith got included in this. Maybe as a result of her being less than horrified by the Cordelia and Xander show?) Even more obvious when that first day when every time Buffy hit the lunchroom or student lounge and saw him and Cordy at the table with Willow, she immediately veered over and went to sit with Scott and his friends. And every day after that one, including today.

Okay, so Scott could probably use someone to commiserate with: he'd lost two friends in the course of a few short days – Debbie wasn't speaking to him right now.

And, oh, that was odd... Pete had turned up with a broken neck after Buffy went after him, with Buffy the only possible culprit. And hey, no major freakout like she'd had with Ted back before they knew he was Robot Wife Killer Ted. It was almost as if once it became clear that Pete used Weird Science to become a monster, he didn't count as a human being for that whole 'I don't kill humans' thing...

Which was disturbing on so very many levels.

Seriously: given how on the Hellmouth any of them could get hit with a demonic or magical effect and turned into a non-human monster – Xander had seen spells for that in Giles' books – it could easily put any of them in Buffy's "Slay now, not remorse over it later" category.

Which was more than just kinda scary...

Buffy was real efficient at killing monsters.

As long as she wasn't dating them...

So, a whole world of new worries to fret about in the late late hours of the morning when he couldn't sleep. Hell, on some days, Cordelia probably came close to qualifying in Buffy's eyes without a mystical transformation.

So, gruntled not. Buffy, being avoidy. Faith, being of the bitchy, because Buffy was avoiding her and Giles had groused at her. Xander: knowing that the temporary reprieve would end and Buffy would have a serious 'talk' with him or them sooner or later. Willow: an impending detonation waiting to happen.

Heh. Ah well. At least the dynamic duo and sleuthing team of Nancy Drew and V.I. Warshawski, girl detectives, had managed to set Buffy on track in time for her to rescue Debbie from the homicidal Pete and helped them figure things out. And cleared Oz of suspicions. Which was good for Oz and Willow's peace of mind, no doubt.

And at least there'd been frequent hot sex with Cordelia at every available free period and in every available broom closet, empty classroom, and storage room. At least when she wasn't helping Willow sleuth. Except for today, 'natch. Alternate Fridays being one of the odd days when he and Cordelia didn't have classes together until late afternoon, and their schedules didn't quite mesh.

And Cordelia had spent two out of three of the past three nights at Xander's house sleeping over since her parents came home, as well. Which made for some entertaining, interesting, and downright surreal early morning conversations with Xander's parents. Luckily, they both liked Cordelia. Also made for some frenzied rushing of the Cordy back to her house after breakfast to sneak in before the maid woke her up and her parents discovered she'd been out all night. Plus, for her to dress for school.

Good thing Xander's mom and pop got up really early – Tony for work, and his mom to get ready for a day of convention planning.

Well, not completely accurate... that thing about today being Cordy-sex-less... they'd decided to cut First Period Homeroom -slash- Study Hall together in favor of heading straight from their lockers to the unused and abandoned third floor Teacher's Lounge. And they were gonna have lunch together...

Where Xander was headed right now, now that Fourth Period Geometry was ended. Late, since Mr. Fingleman had wanted to see him after class about his attendance... And so –

Xander paused a moment to double check. Yup, cupped hand check reveals breath that's not horrible. Looking down at himself, he took stock. He was wearing a comfortable and decent looking pair of khakis, with one of his less revolting looking striped shirts over a black t-shirt. Dark Timberline hikers, almost new looking but nicely broken in. And his hair was even combed, more or less.

– Ulp.

Xander figured later it was probably the stop for a wardrobe check that did him in...

"Hi there!" Buffy's chirpy voice said somewhat below Xander's left ear as a steely grip latched onto his elbow. "Let's go talk!"

"Let's not and say we did," Xander said, glancing down sourly at her.

Buffy smiled brightly up at him, and slipped her hand through the crook of his elbow and around his arm. Patting his arm with her other hand, she said, "Aww. Don't be like that. I promise this won't hurt. Much."

"It's the 'much' that has me a bit concerned, Buff," Xander said, keeping his tone light. He couldn't help the sourness in the half grin he favored her with, though.

"Here you go," Buffy said, steering them into an empty classroom. She glared up at him, releasing his arm, and pointed at the front desk. "Sit, Xander."

"Stay, Xander. Down, Xander. Good boy, Xander," Xander grumbled as he gave a resigned sigh and walked over, turned around, and plopped himself down on the edge of the teacher's desk with one leg swinging and his arms folded over his chest. "Wanna Scooby Snack, Xander?"

"Boy, are you in some kinda mood, huh?" Buffy said, blinking at him.

Rolling his eyes, Xander made an elaborate show of checking his wristwatch. Mickey's big hand was nearly on the... "Couldja move this along, Buff? I'm meeting Cordy in the cafeteria for my daily glop. You're cutting into our 'us' time."

Buffy huffed at him, folding her own arms over her chest. She lowered her eyebrows and glowered at him. "And that brings us to today's topic, Xan."

"Uh... " Xander grinned at her and raised his hand, waggling it. "Gee, Miss Summers! Could that be 'Public Sex in Cemeteries, don't do it!' for ten thousand?" He rolled his eyes again. "Got the memo, thanks. We done now?"

"No!" Buffy practically exploded at him, with her arms uncrossing and falling by her sides. Angry arms position number two, Xander observed. "We are not done now! Jeeze, Xander! What were you thinking?"

"I think that seeing Cordelia in that outfit, I was thinking with the head in my pants, not the one above my collar, Buff," Xander said, dead honest. Buffy gaped at him, even though by now she really should have been used to him saying inappropriate things... "And I think that after an hour of steamy makeout, Cordelia was too and was being encouraging."

"See!" Buffy closed her mouth and aimed a forefinger at him, looking triumphant. "You weren't thinking! I knew it!"

"Gee, Buff. It was stupid, we know it; we survived it, dusted the vamp, and we really, really aren't going to do it any more, promise cross my heart and hope no one dies," Xander said, more than just a little of his own exasperation bleeding through. "Uh, didn't we already do this?"

"No, we didn't," Buffy said, biting out every word.

"And why was that, I wonder?" Xander said, his eyes narrowing. "Oh! I know! Because the Buffy was in a massive snit and avoiding us for the past three days."

"Whoa," Buffy blinked at him, looking slightly taken aback. "Back up, Xander. Sounds like I'm not the one in a snit... "

"No. I'm as backed up as I'm getting," Xander said, glowering over at her.

"Hey! I was not being avoidy! There was Pete, and Oz! And major death and badness," Buffy said, glaring at him.

"Which explains why you veered to a different table or out of the room every time you saw me and Cordy, right," Xander said, nodding, "And did all of your talking to us through Will, even though Cordy was right next to her."

Buffy's mouth worked soundlessly for a moment, and then her eyes narrowed and she glared at him again. That was okay: Xander had long ago figured out that Buffy really hated being called out on some of her stuff.

"And you are so not changing the subject to me, Mister," Buffy said, finally, still glaring. "I'm not the one almost getting killed in graveyards."

Which wasn't exactly true, but...

Xander sighed, and ran his hand through his hair, suddenly feeling exhausted. And tired of the whole mess. "Look, Buffy. It was dumb. We get that. Yes, Cordelia and I are having sex. Lots of sex. We got carried away. We staked the vamp in spite of it. No one died. It won't happen again. End of story, end of discussion, okay?"

"No!" Buffy exploded again. "It is not the end of the story! It is not okay! You were having public sex in a graveyard, Xander! You got attacked! You could have died! Cordy could have died!"

"Yup. Yup. Yup. Got that," Xander said, nodding. "So we'll be having all of our public sex in the daytime from now on. At the mall."

"But I shop at that mall... " Buffy gaped at him, and then visibly decided to ignore the last half of that statement. "And you don't even seem concerned by that!"

"What?" Xander blinked at her, dumbfounded. "Of course I'm concerned. I was terrified, trying to brainstorm a way out of it. Hence the whole 'it won't happen again ever' thing. Good enough."

"No, it's not good enough," Buffy said, going back to glowering with her arms folded. "You and Cordy aren't patrolling any more. I'm taking you off of the slay pals roster."

Xander blinked at her again, his mouth falling open. After a long moment, he closed it and nodded. "All right. We can always patrol on our own. Maybe Faith can use a partner."


Obviously not the response that Buffy had been expecting, for she blinked back at him with her own mouth falling open and then closing slowly.

"We did it all summer while you were gone," Xander said, shrugging. "Me, Willow, Cordy, and Oz. We don't need your permission to do it now."

"You do too!" Buffy snapped out, her eyes narrowing. "I'm the Slayer here, Xander."

"Big whoop."

"What?" it came out as kind of a strangled squawk. "What did you say?" Buffy's arms went down and her hands went on her hips as she drew up in 'indignant posture number one'.

"Big. Whoop," Xander said, shrugging. "Faith's a Slayer. Kendra was a Slayer." And yes, he knew bringing Kendra up was a mistake the moment he did it. Didn't care, he decided after a moment.

Buffy's eyes narrowed. "And Kendra died, Xander."

"Do you really, really wanna go there, Buffy?" Xander asked, very quietly.

"What do you mean?" Buffy blinked, frowning at him. Obviously not even registering the ice cracking under her feet...

"Kendra died. Yeah. Because someone's boyfriend lured 'The Slayer' off and set her up for it," Xander said, his voice still quiet and going quieter. And darker.

All of the blood drained from Buffy's face and her expression went suddenly slack from shock. After a moment she said weakly, "That's not fair... "

"Gee. Take a memo, Buff. Life's not fair," Xander said, his eyes narrowed at the little blonde, his supposed best friend. "Ask Kendra."

"Xander! You're way, way out of line here," Buffy said, her own voice going low and dangerous on him.

"So are you," Xander replied. He straightened up off of the edge of the desk, standing easily. "And I'm tired of this conversation."

"Don't even think about walking away from me, Xander," Buffy said, an edge to her voice and the color coming back to her face. "We're not done here." Xander raised his eyebrows, and she continued, her head going back so she could meet his eyes. "Look, I don't mind that you and Cordy are taking your relationship to a new level, in spite of the whole 'you're dating Cordelia' thing – "


It came out in such a low even tone of absolute menace that it chopped Buffy off in mid word and she blinked at him, her mouth still half open.

"Don't. You don't get to go there."

"Y'know, Xander? I really, really think that I do," Buffy said, slowly, eying him like she'd never seen him before. "Your relationship with Cordelia is putting you and her at risk. Of dying, risk."

"I'm telling you: stop now, Buffy," Xander said, his voice still low and soft. It was like the universe suddenly contracted in around them, with nothing else in it. The classroom around them even faded from his awareness... there was nothing else but Buffy's eyes focused on his.

"No. I won't. You – "

Xander cut across whatever she was about to say as smoothly as a knife blade, his voice deadly sounding in his own ears. A little voice in the back of his mind observed that this was about to be the end of a beautiful friendship, and he ignored it.

"You don't get to go there, Buffy. You don't get to discuss mine and Cordelia's relationship and what we do or don't do. You made it real damned clear all last year that I didn't get to discuss or criticize your relationship with Angel," Xander said, softly. "And you put everyone's life at risk. You gave up the right to have a say."

"I– " Buffy swallowed hard, and her eyes narrowed. She almost visibly rallied and decided to do what she always did when a discussion with him didn't go as she'd planned: go on the attack. Folding her arms again, she glared hotly at him and opened her mouth.

Not this time. Not gonna work.

"People died because you put everyone's life at risk with your Angel obsession, Buffy," Xander said, his eyes still narrow. "So you don't get to go there. I don't care to hear it."

"Well, you're gonna hear it, Xander," Buffy said, practically growling it. "Because I – "

"Cordelia almost died from it, Buffy," Xander said, interrupting her again. "Willow almost died. Willow. You really don't want me remembering what I told you once before."

Ice, cracked. Ground? Shifting under her feet. Buffy changed tacks abruptly, obviously deciding to throw some bad money – or feelings – after worse ones. "And what about, Willow, Xander? What do you think Willow is going to feel about – "

"You don't get to bring Willow into this, either," Xander said. He straightened, unfolding his arms. "This conversation is over, now."

"No it is not!" Buffy stamped, actually stamped, her foot, uncrossing her own arms and glaring up at him. "We aren't done here, dammit!"

"I say we are," Xander said, shrugging. "No problem. Cordy and I won't patrol with you. We'll patrol with Faith. We won't have sex in public any more. The end."

"Don't you even 'the end' me, Buster," Buffy began...

"Did you have a talk like this with Cordy?" Xander said, interrupting.

"Huh? No!" Buffy shook her head.

"Didn't think so," he said, nodding slowly. "You know why you're not having this discussion with Cordelia, Buffy?" Xander asked.

"Oh? Enlighten me. Please," Buffy said, snorting at him. "Why?"

"Because you know damned well that Cordelia wouldn't put up with it," Xander said, quietly, studying her. "She'd get her back up and tell you off. You decided to brace me because you figured I'd just roll over and wag my tail. You were wrong."

Buffy's mouth opened, but he wasn't hearing whatever it was that was coming out...

Xander Harris turned on his heel, went to the door, opened it, and walked out.

Shutting it behind him with Buffy in full on Buffy diatribe, cutting her off.

Fuming inside, with his head down and his eyes on the hallway flooring, Xander ambled away from the vacant classroom replaying the whole conversation in his head.

Nope. Couldn't see anything he could or would say differently. Sucked.

And it still felt like crap.


He stopped abruptly as a large, beefy hand halted him with its palm flat against the middle of his chest.

Xander looked down at the hand, curiously. Then his gaze followed it up an equally beefy arm, past a shoulder, and higher until he had his head back slightly looking up into the blue eyes and scowling mug of Percy West.

A slow smile spread across Xander's lips, showing all of the teeth and lots of points to them.

"Hi there, Percy," Xander said, nodding cordially up at the jock. "Mind moving that hand before I remove it at the elbow and shove it down your throat?"

The hand vaporized off his chest so fast that Xander was amazed it didn't leave a cartoon smoke trail. Percy stepped back hastily, holding both hands in front of him, palms out. Xander looked up at him quizzically.

"Whoa, whoa, Harris, easy," Percy said, backing up another step.

"Thank you," Xander said, politely.

"Uh... what got into you? Jeezus Christ, man?"

"Man," Xander sighed, running a hand over his hair, and half smiling. "Bad morning. Or maybe a bad week of bad mornings. Or a bad morning of weeks or something." He shrugged, and added, "Anyway, I am so much not in the mood that you wouldn't believe it. So if you're gonna slam me into a locker or something, just go ahead and get it out of the way now so I can get to the cafeteria, huh?"

"Whoa, hey!" Percy's eyes widened, and he took another step back. "No no, naw, Harris. Nothing like that, man."

"Groovy," Xander said, nodding. "So... bye."

"Wait!" Percy said, stepping in front of him again. Xander sighed heavily. "Man – the only reason I stopped you like that was 'cause I tried to get your attention. I called your name three times, dude. Even yelled it twice."

"Really?" Xander blinked at him.

"Really. You were, like, off in never land or somewhere, guy," Percy said, nodding vigorously.

"Wow. Never realized," Xander said, nodding again. "Bye."

"Whoa – wait!" Percy said, making little stop stop motions with his upraised palms.


"Dude," Percy said. He looked around, almost furtively, and dropped his voice down to a whisper. "Harris, dude. I just wanted to ask you something. Uh, are you and Cordy, uh... "

Sigh. Damned good thing he whispered. Probably couldn't have been heard any farther away than, oh, second floor Biology and the gym. At least he didn't end it with, 'Nudge nudge wink wink.'

Xander looked around, noticing that they were suddenly the center of rapt attention in nearby quarters. He sighed heavily again.

"Me and Cordy? Are we uh what?" Xander raised his voice, pitching it so it could be heard all over the immediate area. "You mean: are we having SEX?"

Percy jumped about a foot and a half, glaring around in all directions. "Shhhh! Not so loud! And, uh, yeah."

"Ah." Xander nodded. "That's what I thought you meant. None of your business."

Taking a long step to his left, he stepped around Percy and started to continue on, only to be stopped by an outraged and nearly whining sounding, "Wait! Man, don't be like that!"

Shaking his head, Xander stopped, letting it drop forward until it was hanging onto his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, and counted to ten. Then raised it and turned slowly.

"I want half," he said, flatly, looking up into Percy's eyes.

Percy blinked at him. "Huh?"

"Half. This is about the betting pool, right?"

"Uh... wait, you know about that?" Percy blinked again, looking poleaxed.

"The Xander," Xander said, spreading his hands out palms up. "He knows all, he sees all, he hears all. I want half."

"Dude... "

"How big is the pool?" Xander asked, curiously.

Percy stared at him, and then named a figure. Xander blinked up at him, impressed. Percy apparently registered Xander's surprise, for he shrugged and said, "Major odds against my picks."

Xander nodded. "Half, or I walk and you can go ask Cordelia."

Someone snickered loudly, and Percy gulped, swallowed, and turned kind of pale. "Oh, man... no. No way." He swallowed hard again and said, "That's cold, Harris. And cruel."

Xander shrugged, waiting silently.


"Half, of your winnings," Xander said, nodding. "In fifteen seconds, it goes up to three quarters."

Percy sighed, sounding kinda like a venting steam pipe. "Fine. Dammit."

"Shake on it," Xander said, putting out his hand. Practically growling, Percy grabbed it and pumped it a couple of times.

"Fine, happy now?"

"Ecstatic." Xander nodded again and said, "Yup. Since last Thursday night. And every night and almost every day since. Sometimes several times a day. Pay up."

Percy stared at him, and then began silently counting on his fingers slowly. Apparently he reached a conclusion he liked, for he brightened suddenly, pumped his fist in the air, and said, "Yes!"

Xander arched an eyebrow at him. Percy grinned, and added, "I knew you two wouldn't hold out until after Homecoming! I knew it! Yes!"

"I'm so glad we're predictable," Xander said, sighing. "Pay up."

"Uh... I gotta collect, first, man!"

"Cool," Xander said, nodding yet again. "I'll be in the cafeteria with Cordy."

Percy blinked at him again, and then his eyes widened. "You want me to pay you in front of her? Dude, you're braver than we thought. Wait – how did you know which way I bet, anyway?"

Shrugging, Xander smiled slowly and said, "The Xander – "

"Yeah yeah. He knows all, he sees all, he hears all," Percy said. Running a hand over his head, he added, "Bite my shorts, Xan."

"Eeew. No."

"Not literally, dude," Percy said, rolling his eyes.

"So, we done?" Xander asked, sticking his hands in his pockets.

"Sure," Percy nodded enthusiastically. Stepping forward, he half turned and draped an arm across Xander's shoulders, lowering his voice. "Thanks! Uh, hey... y'know, about Cordelia... "

"If you're gonna ask me how she was," Xander said, his voice going soft and dark again, "I'll paste you one full on in the mouth. Even considering that you'll rip my arm off and beat me to death with it immediately afterward." The grin turned toothy and full of points again.

"Whoa, whoa, no, hey!" Percy backed up hastily, his arm leaving Xander's shoulders in a blur. "Naw." Giving Xander an almost wounded look, he said, "Jock. Not a complete douchebag, jeeze, Harris."

"Given ten years of history with jocks," Xander said, shrugging, "The difference escapes me some days."

"Aw, man, that's not fair," Percy said. "And besides. Beating you up? Both Cordy and that little blonde you hang out with would kill me."

Sighing, Xander rolled his eyes, the reminder completely vaporizing any semblance of a rising good mood. "Cordy? Maybe. I think you're safe from Buffy though. She'd probably cheer."

"Naw. No way."

Raising his eyebrows, Xander asked, "So, you were asking?"

Percy suddenly squirmed, looking uncomfortable. "Uhh... I forget."

Grinning sourly, Xander stepped around him again and continued on. Behind him, he heard a loud, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" followed by a, "Hey, Larry! Pay up!"

A moment later, Larry Blaisdell's pained sounding voice drifted after him. "Aww, man! Harris, I should kick your butt, guy!"

Xander's grin turned a bit more genuine, despite his mood, as he continued toward the cafeteria. And his hot girlfriend...

He actually made it almost the rest of the way to the cafeteria before a small hand slid into his arm and a soft feminine voice spoke in his ear –


It was only the fact that Xander recognized the voice – and that it wasn't Buffy'sthat meant that they didn't have to peel him off of the ceiling with a pry bar following him doing a full Sylvester and planting himself up there with all ten claws and his tail puffed up like a bottle brush.


Cordelia looked at him wide eyed and impressed as he landed a full six feet away, clutching his chest. She looked down at her suddenly empty of Xander hand, and back up at him.

"Wow," she said again. "You really got some air on that one, jerk wad."

"Who says white boys can't jump?" Xander said, his heart going like a triphammer. "Don't. Freaking. DO. That. Cordy," Xander added, panting heavily. "Please."

"I'll try and remember that," Cordelia said, still wide eyed. She nodded seriously, biting her full lower lip.

Xander would have been a lot more reassured if he didn't notice that the lip biting was an effort to disguise her mouth twitching at the corners in a massive effort at her not bursting into laughter. As it was, her eyes were dancing wickedly at him.

Shaking his head, Xander rolled his own eyes for what felt like the umpteenth time in twenty minutes, and ambled back over to her with his hands stuck in his pockets. When he offered her his elbow, she grinned at him and slid her hand through it, clasping her other one around his left bicep and leaning her face against his shoulder, looking up.

"Aww, poor Xander," she said. Cordelia forced her grin down to a dull roar, and batted her eye lashes at him. "I want half."


"Half, dork weed," Cordelia said, huffing. "Of your winnings, I mean extortion money, lame brain. From Percy and the betting pool. Considering that I did at least half the work of earning them... "

"You deserve half, right," Xander said, nodding. He rolled his eyes yet again, and huffed. "You heard that?"

"Jeeze, Xander," Cordelia's eyes rolled at him. "People in the parking lot heard that! And you saying, 'What, you mean are we having SEX?'"


"Percy isn't exactly subtle, moron."

"Oy... " Xander sighed heavily. "Hey! Where were you? I looked around to see who was in the hallway... "

"I ducked into the door of a classroom when you guys turned," Cordelia said, snickering.

"Sigh. I give up," Xander said, looking heavenward. "I was gonna split 'em with you anyway."

"Oh. Well, okay then," Cordelia said. Frowning she pulled back enough to give him a worried look up and down. "So, uh... "

"How long were you back there anyway?"

"I came looking for you when you ran late," Cordelia said, her eyes narrowing. "From, uh, just after 'Hi there! We need to talk, Xander!'"

"Oy. And you didn't pop in to help?" Xander glared at her, mildly.

"I figured you could handle it," Cordelia said, shrugging. Since the shrug rubbed the side of a full breast along his arm, Xander was having a real hard time maintaining the glare. "How bad, uh, was it?"

"We're grounded from Slayage," Xander said, shrugging back. He dug a toe into the flooring, looking down. "And Buffy probably isn't speaking to me. Like, ever. Again."

"That bad, huh?"

"I brought up Angel."

"Ouch," Cordelia said, wincing.

"I think she was still on low simmer from the 'I may have fucked Xander's soul out of him' crack," Xander said, his lips starting to twitch.

"Just boiled on over, huh?" Cordelia asked, shaking her head slightly.

"I was the one that boiled over, actually," Xander told her.

"Oh?" Apparently a few memories, like the one of the conversation from Buffy's Zombie homecoming jamboree, surfaced in Cordelia's mind, for she winced visibly. "And again I say: ouch."

"Yup. Major ouchage." Xander sighed, looking at her. "We're patrolling with Faith from now on if we want to do slayage, I think."

"Oh." Cordelia paused for a moment, absorbing that and the implications, and then nodded. "Okay," she said, simply.

"And I- huh?"

"I said, oh-kay," Cordelia said in an exaggeratedly patient voice. "Did Buffy damage your hearing?"

"No... I was just expecting to have to argue for it," Xander said, still blinking at her.

"Oh, please," Cordelia said, removing her hand from Xander's bicep so she could flip it negligently. "Not that I'm enthused about Faith or the whole danger, vampires, monsters, and near death experience thing but if Buffy thinks for one minute that she can tell me what to do or not do I– "

"I told her that that's why she braced me instead of you," Xander said, a slow lopsided grin coming over his lips. Mostly at his girlfriend's fierce expression.

"Boy, I'll bet that went over well," Cordelia observed.

"Like a lead flying thing," Xander said, "It crashed and burned on the runway."

"Well, I so would have, too!"

"I know."

"Well, all right then," Cordelia said, huffing. She noticed Xander's gaze roaming over her, and blinked at him. "What?"

Cordelia was wearing, or still wearing, a white, high collared blouse with the collar curled over half way, that was open down in a V to the top of her chest, and buttoned down the front. It ended about a half inch above the waistband of her skirt, showing a bare slice of bare tanned skin, with the last button ending high enough to expose an exquisite navel. And the top three buttons were unbuttoned, showing a generous more than slice of upper and inner breast slope and just a hint of white bra...

It was of some not quite transparent, but almost, uh, translucent – that was the word – material that didn't quite show the rest of her bra, but hinted that it could. And it exactly matched in color the thigh high lace topped white hose she was wearing.

The skirt was a predominately black, charcoal gray, and gray plaid with alternating narrow stripes of green and blue and blue green with yellow pin stripes in a square pattern that exactly matched the yellow of her cheerleading sweater. It came down to about two inches above her knee on the right, was cut upward at an angle to just under mid left thigh, and was slit to within a couple of inches of her hip up the thigh on the left. Not enough to show the band or crotch of her panties or anything, but enough to make every guy in school strain hard really hoping that it would. Which also explained how Xander knew the hose were lace topped, even without the early morning exploration session.

There was a matching plaid narrow vest thing over the blouse, and a complementary dark, blazer looking bolero jacket the same shade of charcoal black as the skirt, with some sort of designer insignia on the breast pocket, went over the vest.

A pair of ankle strapped black open toed shoes with buckles completed the outfit. Those and the Sunnydale Razorbacks sweater around her hips with the arms tied in front of her, complementing and setting off the dark plaid with a bright splash of color... Her dark chestnut hair was combed and clipped in some way that let it make three falls down her back, exposing her ears and earrings.

Dark cherry red lipstick and full, soft lips...

All in all, she looked like some pornographer's fantasy of a naughty Catholic school girl. Hah – she looked like why 'Naughty Catholic Schoolgirl' was a major porn category. And a staple in the fantasies of every red blooded American male that had ever hit puberty, even the gay ones.

"You look like... " Xander finally answered her, or started to, once all of the blood flow finished rearranging itself down into his pants –

"Like what?" Cordelia said, arching her eyebrows at him.

"Like I want to take you into the Principal's Office and chastise you severely," Xander finished, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"You're not really dressed for the part," Cordelia said, her eyes laughing. "Would there be spanking involved, Mister Principal?"

Xander nearly choked at the mental image. Finally, he got it under control and managed, "Oh, yes. Definitely spanking. You know – spare the rod, spoil the child."

"Gasp." Cordelia's eyes widened dramatically. "You mean you'd use your rod on me?"

"I'm pretty sure I'd have to stroke you with my rod a few times," Xander said, starting to snigger helplessly.

Someone heading down the hallway past them cat called, "Hey – get a room you two," right about the time that Xander's stomach let out a subterranean rumble.

Cordelia broke up laughing, shaking her head. "Come on, Principal Horndog," she said, laughing. "Let's go feed you before that noise shakes down the school."

"I think I'd rather nibble on you than the gloppage," Xander said, laughing along with her. He covered her hand on his arm with his own, starting toward the cafeteria.

"Naw," Cordelia said, shaking her head. "I slipped out during my earlier free and hit Fatburger and got you a triple cheese. With chili and everything."

Xander stopped, staring at her in undisguised awe. "You are a Goddess, woman."

"And don't you forget it, either."

Later, shortly after lunch: start of Fifth Period...

Manfully stifling an enormous belch as being inappropriate to the romance of the situation, Xander carefully looked both ways before using his swiped and duplicated key on the doorway of the still abandoned and unused second floor Life Sciences classroom.

Poor Mr. Wingarten. Eaten by a grue.

If he was looking down on them from the afterlife, he would no doubt be cheered by the fact that his students were still using his classroom for the betterment of themselves. Or else having a ghostly aneurism at the way they were going about it.

Or possibly watching and jacking off.

Ectoplasm jizz. Eww.

"Quick! Open the damned thing and get in there, idiot!" Cordelia said, hissing it between clenched teeth.

"So romantic," Xander said, sighing. He unlocked the door, eased it open, and slid inside with Cordelia right behind him, crowding him in.

"Bite me, dill weed," Cordelia said, sounding exasperated. "I don't want anyone to see us."

"I thought we got past all that?" Xander said, looking at her quizzically, as he turned back to the door.

"God, you are dense," Cordelia huffed. "I meant: see us slipping in here to have sex, Jerk." She broke off, looking at him suspiciously. "And you so knew that, dorkwad."

"Yup. Cordy: clued. Leg, pulled," Xander said, smirking at her.

"Xander: on thin ice treading," she said, but her lips were starting to twitch. Cocking her head, Cordelia looked at him curiously as Xander locked the door behind them and double checked to make sure the shade was down. "And what were you sniggering at while you were playing with the door?"

His grin broadening, Xander ducked his head and told her.

Cordelia's mouth fell open and she gave him an appalled look. "God! You are so... so... God! That's awful!"

"Funny as hell, though," Xander said, snickering.

"It so is," Cordelia said, shaking her head and laughing. "And I am so going to hell."

"I'll be there with you, at least." Xander waggled his eyebrows and gave her his best engaging look.

"Oh, lucky me."

She came into his arms and found his lips with the ease and familiarity of long practice. Xander's head dipped down to meet hers, and for long, long minutes he lost himself in the sensation of it. Finally, Cordelia gasped and pulled away, her lips wet and slightly swollen, her eyes shining, and her breath coming in short heavy pants.

"What?" he said, looking at her quizzically with his hands up under her skirt fondling her ass cheeks.

"Catching my breath," Cordelia said.

"Ah. I gave up on that," Xander said, nodding. "Benefit of the whole fish thing last year: gills."

Cordelia stared at him, completely nonplussed for a moment. Then she dissolved into laughter, thudding her head down against his chest. "You so do not!"

"Damn. You mean you checked?"

"No! I- " she broke off, laughing harder. "Oh, God. I hate you, I really do."

"Do not."

"No, I really don't, dammit." She thumped him lightly on the chest with a fist. "But there are times... "

"Uh huh," Xander said, running his palms and cupped fingers up and over the rounded swells of her ass from the crease at the tops of the thighs up to the inner band of her skirt. "Like now?"

"Oh... God," Cordelia said, shuddering under his hands. Her head came back and her mouth came up to meet his again. "Noooo... "

Xander lost himself for an endless time, drowning in the sensation of Cordelia's soft full lips, probing tongue, and hotly working mouth.

Leaning back finally and letting his hands slide out from under her skirt and up onto the small of her back, Xander gave her a long, slow looking over from the half lidded eyes to where their hips and stomachs were pressed into each other's. Savoring every single inch of the view.

Hot Naughty Schoolgirl. Definitely. And – yum!

"What," she said, finally, her eyes opening a bit more. She gave him an inquiring look.

"Damn," Xander said, running his gaze back up along her and over her face up to her eyes again. "With you looking like this, I can barely stand slowing down for our usual warmups."

"Oh," Cordelia said, nodding. She bit at her lower lip, playing with it between her teeth for a moment, and then added, "You don't have to, you know."

"And- uh- huh?"

"Slow down," Cordelia said, looking seriously at him. "I'm already warm."

Xander's eyes widened, and then his eyebrows went up. "You mean," he said slowly. Without consciously realizing it, Xander's voice dropped down in to the same soft, dark and intense register it had taken on during his conversations with Buffy and Percy... A half grin, half sneer with a slight lip curl to it came to his mouth as he continued, "I could just slide my hands down to cup your ass and upper thighs," he did that as he was speaking, "Pick you up," he lifted her with his palms until her legs were alongside his thighs with her heels hooked behind them... "Back you up and carry you over here to this desk... " He didn't really even notice Cordelia shiver when the tone registered on her, or her eyes glaze and dilate slightly...

The teacher's desk was just about the right height, he noticed a bit absently. Cordelia laid a line of slow, soft kisses all along his jawline and mouth while he was doing this, and gave a full body shiver under his hands.

Xander backed her up until the backs of his hands hit the desk edge, and then eased Cordelia's rump onto it. "And lay you back like this," he said, running his hands up to her shoulders and pushing her gently down until she was lying flat back on the empty desk top with her legs spread and her calves up over his hips.

"Lean forward and tongue rape your mouth until you're moaning... " he stroked his palms over her long legs and silky hose, and then up along her sides and over her full breasts under the blouse and back down. After about five minutes of that, or less, while Xander slowly ran his hands up and down along her legs, Cordelia was past just moaning and was actually making little whimpering sounds into his lips...

He straightened finally, pulling back and slightly away from her lips. She did her best to follow his mouth up and he gently and firmly pushed her back down with a hand on each shoulder and began running a slow line of soft kisses along her jawline and neck. After working his way down to her collarbone he leaned up and back, smiling down at her with his eyes dark and slightly hooded.

"You mean, like that?" Xander asked, looking at her quizzically. It came out as a kind of a husky growl...

"Guh," Cordelia said, nodding up at him. "I mean..." she stopped, and licked her lips, "Uh... "

Drawing his hands back, he run his palms up along her thighs and stockings to her knees and slowly back down again, pushing her skirt all the way back as she lay there panting up at him. Then he slowly ran them over her lower abdomen and stomach to her breasts and over them, back down again, and toyed for a moment with the lower button of her vest thing.

"And then undo your buttons like this," Xander said, as Cordelia watched him wide eyed, licking her lips again. He did so, moving from that one to the next up, "And this," and the next, "And this... "

The vest came open and fell away, and he trailed his fingers down her sides to her waist, across her stomach, and began playing with the bottom one to the blouse...

Every button that came open revealed a new expanse of tanned skin that got a kiss and a slow, rough swipe of the tongue...

The top and final button fell away, as did the two halves of the blouse, exposing Cordelia's white, lacy half bra. A demitasse half cup bra, Xander vaguely remembered her calling it. Damned sexy, he called it. Each lacy cup cradled and hugged the lower slope and swell of a full breast, just managing to cover a nipple on each side. And the scalloped tops each left a third of a large brown aureole peeking out over the lace.

Tented out lace, Xander saw: both nipples were fully erect. And as hard as pencil stubs, he found, when he ran the palms of his hands over them. Cordelia gasped, and her hips jerked against the desk.

"Yank down your bra like this," Xander murmured, as he found the tops of the bra cups with the edge of his hands and stroked them down over the nipples and completely off of the mounds of her tits. Cordelia gasped again, and made a harsh, "Hnng!" sound as the sword and stake callouses on the heels of his hands scraped over her nipples.

Slipping his palms and cupped fingers back up over the undersides of her breasts and around the sides, he said, "Grab a tit in each hand and just squeeze... " he did so, "And knead, and play with them a bit," he did that thing, "And roll your nipples between my fingers... "

When Xander rolled and squeezed on Cordelia's nipples and then pulled out on them, pinching down, she arched her back completely off of the desk, her head going back with her mouth open, and went, "Aaannnnggh! Anngh!" Her hips bucked twice and ground her panty and skirt covered mound against his crotch, and her fingers gripped his forearms so hard that he'd bet she left claw marks embedded in them.

She collapsed back against the desk, wild eyed and breathing hard, looking up at him.

"And then just reach down," Xander said, smirking slightly. "And ruck your skirt the rest of the way up," Cordelia nodded, making little, "Ennh, ennh, ennh," sounds in her throat, and raised up her hips as Xander slid her skirt back and all the way up beneath her.

Leaving the skirt bunched up under her lower back and spilling out across the desk, Xander found the edge of the – yes, white and lacy – panties with his fingers, and worked it down over Cordelia's hips and the swell of her ass cheeks as she kept herself hoisted up.

"Yank off your panties like this," he said, sliding them along her thighs and up past her knees as she unbent her legs and raised them straight up into the air in front of him.

Slipping the panties over her knees, and then up along her calves, Xander worked them over first one, and then the other of her buckled high heeled shoes. Holding them between a couple of fingers by the band, he grasped a slender and shapely ankle in each hand, and spread Cordelia's legs wide. Slowly pushing them forward, he eased them back until they were lying fully back with her knees beside her tits.

Holding her ankles with her heels aimed at the ceiling, Xander continued, "Tell you to grab your ankles and hold them... "

Cordelia licked her lips, looking like she was more than half dazed and completely enthralled, and reached up and took her legs in her hands by the calves just under Xander's hands. "Uh huh," she said, licking her lips again, and slowly slid her hands up to grasp her own ankles as he pulled his hands away.

"Suggest that you draw them back to your ears," Xander said, licking his own lips slowly, "While I undo my pants... "

Cordelia pulled her feet down toward her face, still looking dazed, as Xander's hands went to his belt buckle and started undoing it. "Uh... " she said, stopping when her legs were semi straight, partly bent, and her ankles and hands were about eight inches away from her head. "Uh... they won't go back that far," she said, almost whining...

"Oh. That's okay," Xander said, biting his lower lip and nodding seriously. Cordelia nodded back, her eyes huge, dark, and luminous.

"And then you wouldn't mind at all," Xander said, undoing his belt and the top snap to his khakis, "If I just undid my pants and took out my now massively raging hard-on," he said, slowly sliding his zipper down, "Shoved it inside of you... "

"Uhhnnn... unnhhh... " Cordelia's hips bucked in front of him and her lower abdomen started to ripple and undulate slowly.

"And fucked you hard, fast, and raw without any foreplay?"

"Nooooo... " Cordelia nodded jerkily, her eyes glazing over completely, and her mouth dropping partly open. "Nooo... w-wu-wuh-wouldn't... "

"Ah." Xander nodded down at her. Wow. He damned near sent his gorgeous and hot girlfriend into orbit just by talking to her.

He hadn't realized that was possible, even.

Xander took his time pulling his pants open after opening the zipper, watching as Cordelia panted and her hips made little twitching motions. Finally, he nodded and said, "Just what I wanted to know... " and added after a beat, "No thanks."

There was a full thirty count, and then another, of shocked silence.

Cordelia jerked, jerked again, her hips making a rolling bucking motion, and then stilled. She coughed, gasped, coughed again, and then her eyes focused, finally, and she snapped her head up to glare at him.


Wincing, Xander resisted an urge to dig a fingertip into an ear and wiggle it while looking pained. It would probably get him eviscerated.

He'd bet they heard that strangled "What?!" way out past the parking lot.

Xander smiled slowly, and said, distinctly, "I said, no thanks." He paused for a beat, and just when he figured Mount Cordelia was about to erupt all over him, added, "I'd much rather go down on you and make you cum your brains out screaming until you pass out, now that I've gotten you all good and wet."

"Guh," Cordelia said. Her hips bucked against him again, hard, and she gasped and blinked, looking like she was having whiplash. Or maybe an aneurism...

After a long frozen minute, she blinked again, started to speak and coughed, coughed again, licked her lips, and said, slowly... "I d-don't t-th-think we have time for that. Our free is only fifty minutes."


Sighing, Xander shook his head and continued, "We'll have to skip the passing out part. Maybe I could just eat you until you explode and then screw you senseless?"

"If I don't get something in me, Xander," Cordelia said, hissing it out, "And right now, I'm going to beat you to death with this desk."


"Get. Your. Pants. Off. Jerk. Wad," Cordelia hissed up at him, still glaring. "And fuck me."

"Damn. Demanding wench," Xander said, starting to laugh as he grabbed his waistband and shoved his khakis and his stretch boxers down over his hips and ass down to around mid thigh.

"In about ten seconds here, Xander," Cordelia said, in a strangled voice and with absolutely deadly sincerity, "I will kill you and go hunt down the football team!"

Next! Is this the end for Xander? Will Cordelia get scrimmaged? Find out soon!