A/N This will be the last chapter of this story. I hope you enjoyed it. I will start on a new story as a sequel to this one, a sequel to Pain and the Hotch POV of Hurt from KDMOSP. Have fun! Please review!
The raindrops drip off the windows, it is windy and dark outside. You think back to the point where you stood in your office, looking out of the window and it was the same view. The day Emily called, the day JJ wanted to kill herself in her apartment. It was an exhausting journey until today. Everything changed since that day. The team has changed. You have changed. Because JJ isn't the woman anymore you all knew. The wind whips the rain against the window. You hear the calm talk of Emily and Reid. The beeping of the heart monitor is sounding through the room. JJ is sleeping in the bed behind you. Sleeping, you huff. She is sedated for almost 2 days now. She is barely conscious. But you have to admit, the aftermaths of her suicide attempt right in front of you are still working. Everybody is alerted, even while she is asleep.
Reid and Emily are talking about some movie, what they want to see. You don't notice anything on particular. You are watching the people outside, juggle with their umbrellas through the wind. It is early evening and you are hungry. The chatter of the two team member stops in the middle of the sentence. You turn around to see what is going on. Both of them are staring at JJ, your look shifts over to JJ. She is agitated and unease is drawn over her face. You step to the bed and take her hand, so does Emily. But JJ doesn't seem to notice. She begins to mumble.
"...want to stay with you.."
You can barely understand her, but you sense she is dreaming.
"JJ, wake up!"
Emily tries and strokes her gently over her shoulder. You watch, as JJ's face shows signs of fear and she gets more agitated. That is when you want to interrupt whatever she is going through.
"JJ, you are safe, wake up!"
You touch her shoulder and shake it gently.
She begins to shake her head.
Now she is screaming and she is grabbing the sheets, as her hands balls into fists. You frown and wonder how she can become so agitated through the sedation.
"JJ do you hear me, wake up!"
You try again.
"I will go and catch the doctor."
Reid leaves the room, as both, Emily and you are eagerly trying to wake JJ up.
"JJ! Open your eyes! Wake up!"
The heart monitor starts an alarm and the situation gets more disturbing.
"Will, please, wait for me..."
JJ is crying now, but her eyes are still closed. You are desperate now, not able to waking her up from her misery.
"Please, Will. Please, don't leave me."
Your heart sinks and a lump is built in your throat. You swallow and look up to Emily. Your eyes meet and you can tell she has also troubles watching what JJ is going through. Suddenly JJ eyes fly open. The blank panic in them. Her breathing shallow and fast.
You call out. You don't think and sit down on the bed and pull JJ into your embrace. She is shaking and the heart monitor is going crazy. You hold her tight, your hand is holding her head against your chest as you try to calm her down.
"Ssshhh, JJ, you are safe."
The doctor and one nurse are rushing into the room, followed by Reid. You shot them a look.
"What is going on?"
You scowl at them and shaking slightly your head, signaling them to not move closer.
"We think she has a panic attack."
"But how? She has to be sedated."
"Well apparently she isn't, doctor."
Emily counters and raises her eyebrows. The doctor makes eye contact with you and signals he want to check her I.V. and the machine that suppose to push the sedation into JJ's body. You continue meanwhile soothing JJ in your tight embrace and gently stroking her back. She still is hyperventilating and sobbing. One nurse is stopping the heart monitor alarm.
"JJ, can you hear me?"
You try carefully. But she doesn't respond. You make eye contact with Emily and she also seems helpless at the moment. The doctor finally sighs and obviously he detected the problem. But he eyes JJ and you.
"Agent Hotchner, the sedation is torn off, because there was a defect on the machine, that's why she was able to wake up enough to get a panic attack. I advise you to let me give her something to calm down."
You instantly shake you head and tighten the embrace around JJ more, as you fear she could be ripped from you.
"Agent Hotchner, she is hyperventilating and her cardiovascular system is going crazy right now. I appeal you to let us sedate her."
JJ still seems to be in her mood. You try again to get through to her.
"JJ, listen to me. Say something, please, show me you have woken up."
But JJ is still doing nothing but shaking and sobbing, her chest is heaving fast and her breathing sounds not healthy. You stroke gently over her back and look up to the doctor, who is looking with deep concern what is going on in front of him. You grit your teeth and finally nod. Maybe it is the best solution now, she is really scaring you, by not waking up properly.
The doctor notice your confirmation to the sedation and begins to flip a new filled syringe in the new I.V. machine and connect the system to JJ. He begins to push some buttons and you see the plunger inches forward. Still stroking her back you wait until the medication sets in. Everybody is watching JJ now. Eagerly waiting, you sense the tension in the room. Finally you feel how JJ's breathing slows down and her sobbing stops. You push her head against you chest again and stroke gently through her hair.
"Ssshhh, everything will be alright, JJ."
You talk to her, trying to make this as easy as you can for her. Slowly her body in your arms goes limb and she sinks into your embrace even more. She is out. For a moment you go on with your embrace, trying to give her safety, even asleep. Slowly you guide her body down to the bed again. She is motionless. You stroke her hair out of her face one last time and stand up to make room for the nurse to work.
You sigh and turn around, to look out of the window. You are feeling deep emotions riot inside you. You want to scream, cry and yell, hit something. You are near to tears right now, your eyes are already moist. You swallow the lump in your throat and grip the windowsill. You grip it tightly, hard, forcing the pressure out of your body. But it doesn't work like you wished. You don't recognize how the staff is working to get JJ back into position.
You are still staring out of the window, looking at some point in the far, when someone approaches you from behind and lays a hand on your shoulder. You sense Emily, but she isn't saying anything. She gently is stroking over your shoulder and steps up beside you. She also looks out of the window now and you two are standing next to each other, silently.
Chaos. You don't know how exactly it happened, but you are sure Dr. Green was not quite good at his job. There are a big amount of people standing in the safe room of the ICU, where JJ is treated, including some security guys. You wonder who called them, you shake your head mentally. You get back to pay attention what is happening in front of you. JJ is sitting in the corner in front of you, like a shy animal. She has just broken the nose of the head of psychiatry of this hospital, Dr. Green. He ordered to pause the sedation to do a conversation with her. It didn't go so well. And now she jumped out of the bed, fearing to be restrained again. Understandable. But she have to get back in to the bed, there is no way she will remain control over that situation. She is too unpredictable.
Morgan is approaching her.
She eyes him attentively.
She hisses. And her look shifts over to all the people in front of her.
Morgan shakes his head and knees down in front of JJ. You are standing behind him and watching the scene. JJ is extreme wary and assesses the room, suddenly she is ripping her I.V. out of her arm.
"NO! You need that honey!"
One of the nurses calls out. You sigh and look over your shoulder, as you see the nurse standing there already a syringe in her hand. Great job.
Morgan is shaking his head.
"They are going to drug me."
She is looking back and forth between the people in front of her. Like an haunted animal. Morgan looks over his shoulder.
"You broke Dr. Green's nose..."
He looks back to JJ.
"He deserved it."
As JJ is looking down for a moment Morgan moves a bit closer to her, but she is aware of that.
She is getting agitated and crumples down in the corner even more. She looks awful, the fear in her eyes and sweating. You signal Rossi, who is standing beside you to act now. This has to end.
Morgan nods one last time and JJ didn't notice you and Rossi are already by her side, lifting her in the air together with Morgan. But JJ is fighting and screaming, kicking, desperate as she would get harmed.
The three of you mobilized every power to haul her off the ground. You are struggling with every force.
"JJ, calm down!"
One of the nurses tries. JJ is really terrified, as you realize what you have done.
She is begging, heart breaking pleading you. Then you lose you grip and she makes herself fall to the ground, but the hands of your three are still in place. But you look at each other. Not sure how to think about what JJ is doing right now. It seems different, the pleadings are heart breaking, as if she fears she would get killed in the bed.
"C'mon JJ, get up."
Rossi tries, as others try to command her to do something to get into the bed. Chaos, it is still chaos you think. JJ is still struggling and fighting, kicking around to get out of the grip of you.
A new voice joined the chaos, no apparently it stopped it. Suddenly everyone is quite. Everybody is turning around and seeing Hannah Foster walking into the room. The therapist of JJ. The only one that was able to speak properly to JJ since she is in the hospital. She got through to her, she was even able to get JJ open up a bit. You lose your grip on JJ and step aside, watching how Hannah approaches your defeated agent in front of you. She sits down next to JJ on the floor.
JJ is shifting.
"Oh honey, what happened?"
You watch JJ closely. She looks down to the floor and shakes her head.
"Oh jeez. Is the bed scaring you?"
And at this moment your heart falls into your stomach. No, how didn't you notice that? Damn you Hotchner. You are livid, biting on your lip. Your rage is confirmed, as JJ nods and whispers.
"They dragged you into a bed, didn't they?"
You close your eyes for a moment and sigh. Oh my god and you wanted to drag her into a bed too, great job, well done. You are beyond angry right now. But you have to get your emotions under control, if this is suppose to work. You steady yourself, as you watch JJ calm down.
"Ok, how about to lie on the couch, can you do that?"
You take advantage of the situation and pick JJ up together with Rossi and lift her on the couch. You nod at the nurse, who is waiting with the sedation. You think it is the best right now for JJ to get some rest after this roller coaster. Hannah is by JJ's side, she has still a calming effect. And as JJ is closing her eyes and breathes out in relief, the nurse takes the chance and connects the syringe to JJ's vein and pushes the sedation into JJ's system.
Hannah is standing up and turns to you and your team.
"Gentleman, that was close. She was about to get another flashback or even another panic attack. I urge you to call me the next time earlier. This is unnecessary stress for my patient. I assume you figured out the problem by yourself by now. She needs to rest now, the sedation was necessary too this time."
You say nothing, you can say everyone of you is at odds with himself right now. Even more. Angry. But Rossi has the grace to say something.
"We understand, thank you."
You were hurting JJ, mentally, at the worst. You only nod and want to leave from Hannah's sight. You are furious with yourself, you need nobody that tells you what you have done wrong, again, you already know it. You pass her and walk towards JJ. Her eyes are growing heavy and are almost closed. But when she notice you approaching her she flinches and you cringe mentally. Oh no, she is afraid of you. That is hurting you really badly and you aren't even aware right now, how much it will hurt you soon. You take a blanket from the bed and place it gently over JJ. She finally closes her eyes and you sigh.
"There you go."
You whisper and gently stroke her hair out of her face.
After the incident with the bed you withdraw yourself a bit from JJ. You spoke a lot with her therapist Hannah. You got the impression, it is the best, that not too many people are screwing around with JJ's mind. You began to trust Hannah to handle your agent's welfare, of course with your consent as a guardian. But with that development, there was no proper situation for you to speak with JJ about your mistake that one day. And further you think that it was not the right time. Nevertheless your guilt is eating you alive. You hope in the new facility are some more possibilities to speak with JJ.
Right now you are standing in front of her therapist Hannah, who is explaining to you, why she wants to escort JJ alone. You are not a fan of that option. Regarding the last time JJ was out of the hospital you feel you have to escort her with a whole SWAT team. But you know by yourself that this is ridiculous.
"Agent Hotchner, I know your concerns, but you have to admit, that the relationship between Agent Jareau and me went quite well."
"Yes, that's true. But my concerns are based on the experience I made with her the last time. She was unpredictable. Her mood shifted from one moment to the other."
"Well, we worked on that. She gained trust, trust in me. There is someone she can go to with her fears. This was important for her. Because I am someone from the outside, it was a lot easier for me, than for you. You have responsibilities, especially with the guardianship. The trust in you is fragile."
You mentally sigh on that. JJ's trust in you is sadly fallen apart, when you made that horrible mistake and almost drove her into a panic attack. Normally you are the one in control here, you are about to decide who is riding on the ambulance and who won't. It is a hard choice for you not to be in control. And the chance of JJ jumping off the ambulance are getting much less with Hannah on it. That is for sure.
"Alright then. But I want a car of us followed."
"Yes, of course. As long as nobody joins the ambulance."
You frown at that. Why is she so intent of that? But you have no more time to think about that. You have some important phone calls to make and have to inform Strauss.
"We will wait with our car in the ambulance bay."
"Ok, I see you there."
"So how comes that you are being ok with that solution, Hotch?"
You growl a bit and shoot Rossi, who is sitting next to you in the car, a serious look.
"Hey hey don't shoot. I just asked."
He holds up his hand in defeat and smirks.
"I thought it is the best for JJ to have her most trusted person with her right now."
"That makes sense."
"I know Dave."
You cannot help but smirk, as you watch him.
"Looks like here she comes."
Emily interrupts you two. You watch as Hannah guides JJ to the ambulance. You frown as you see that, why isn't she in a wheelchair? Whatever, you are grateful that JJ can leave the hospital.
"There will be a hell of a lot of traffic today. Hope we can get there in time. Morgan and Reid will join us there."
"Yes, lets hope we get through it fast."
You follow the ambulance through the hospital area and pull in to traffic. It is as you foresaw, the traffic makes it difficult to drive. You see how the ambulance turns into a side road.
"What are they doing? This is not the direct way to the facility?"
Rossi is obviously as confused as you are.
"I don't know, maybe they want to avoid the blocked main roads."
You are relieved to see, that you were right. The side roads are good passable as you follow the ambulance to another side road. Suddenly the ambulance speeds up and a dustcart is rolling out of a driveway and blocks the road.
"What the hell?"
"Was that necessary?"
Everybody is cursing about what is happening in front of you.
"Great, now we lost the ambulance."
You scowl. After what feels like an eternity, you can pass. But the ambulance is nowhere to see. At least , you thought, they could have wait.
"Well, lets just get fast to the facility, we meet them there."
Everybody is nodding in agree. But you have a bad feeling about the whole thing. Again, you have no control about what is happening. Maybe it was a mistake to let the therapist go all along alone with JJ. You actually said you wanted to make it up to JJ, that includes to be there for her. Now you cannot, while something went wrong. With the thought it would have been better to be on the ambulance, you drive into traffic again.
After half an hour you reach the mental health institution. You drive to the ambulance bay, where you see Morgan and Reid leaning at the black SUV.
"Where is the ambulance?"
Emily ask the question everybody has in mind. You stop the SUV and jump out.
"Where is the ambulance?"
You ask Morgan and Reid with concern. They are looking at each other and their faces show that they didn't expect hat question.
"What are you talking about, Hotch?"
"The ambulance was never here?"
"What the hell is going on?"
Rossi calls out. You take a look around and stick your hands to your hip. The ambulance never arrived. You try to understand that fact, but you can't. Why in the world is the ambulance not here, you were stuck in the traffic and you are here before them?
"Ok, lets find out where they are."
You hit the speed dial on your phone.
"Speak to me my bossman."
"Garcia, try to track down the ambulance in which JJ is transported."
"Yes, but may I ask why our JJ isn't with you anymore?"
"We lost the ambulance in the traffic and now we arrived at the facility and they aren't here."
"What? Wh... I will find our JJ!"
You end the call and look up into the faces of your team. All of them are concerned. You still can't figure out why you lost the ambulance and why it isn't here. You sigh and run your hands over your face. You start to pace forth and back. Waiting for Garcia to call or the ambulance to arrive. Morgan is agitated too, while Prentiss, Reid and Rossi glance around to catch a look on the possible arriving ambulance.
Your phone vibrates, you sigh and pick it up.
"Sir... the headquarters of the fire department, to which the ambulance belongs, never knew of a transport from JJ's hospital to the mental health institution. They said all registered ambulances are where they suppose to be."
You say nothing. An extreme bad feeling rises inside you. You swallow. And at this moment something becomes clear to you: The reason why Hannah insisted to be alone with JJ.
To be continued...