Disclaimer: The Teen Titans totally tried to take Terry to Tibet, though the trip took twenty tries. Also, I don't own them.
Today was the day Beastboy had been anticipating for a week, and all be damned if it was going to get messed up by anything. He checked to make sure his makeshift set he constructed in his room was all correct and up to his standards. He even had a checklist like most pilots do.
His first foray into the world of Internet eating stunts had to be so epic that every following video was an attempt to top it. He would be doing the video while sitting at the foot of his bed, two gallons of milk, a pound of sugar and four bottles of water at his feet. He was going to wear his best "Ghostface Killa" T-shirt because today was the day the internet would see him eat a Ghost Chili Pepper!
After a last cursory check of the camera to make sure it was perfectly straight on the tripod, he hit the record button and sat down at his designated spot. With a frozen grin, he started to talk.
"L.A. Beastboy here!" he began, eyes fixated on the camera as if it were an ass in yoga pants. "Today, I'm going to do one of my biggest requests here on the show." This was bullshit; he had four subscribers and his only other video was of him putting funny wigs on the Terra statue before realizing the Terra statue no longer existed and the only girl who ever loved him now had no idea who he was. THEN WHO WUZ STATUE?
"I'm going to be eating a GHOST CHILI PEPPER!" He said the last three words in a deep voice, or at least as deep as he could muster. After that sentence, he picked the pepper up by its stem and proceeded to make OoOoOoO SPOOKY ghost noises while dangling it in front of the camera, in what is still being called the worst 45 minutes in YouTube history. The best 45 minutes, just to sate anyone's curiosity, is a tie between the first 45 minutes of the 10-hour INTERIOR CROCODILE ALLIGATOR video and every other 45 minute chunk of that very same video.
L.A. Beastboy, that being his internet moniker even though he'd never been anywhere near Los Angeles in his damn fail life, eventually popped the pepper into his mouth after flexing a few times. Say "popped the pepper" five times really fast. At first, Beastboy shrugged, playing it off for the camera as if it wasn't effecting him at all. Yes, sir, he was cool as a fuckin' cucumber there for about five seconds. Then began the real show.
Before he even realized it, that boy was just a-rollin' and a-cryin' on the ground like his girlfriend dumped him with a break-up note attached to a nuclear missile that he took up his urethra! If he was in a room full of newborn babies, nurses would recommend he be put back in Mommy! At one point he grabbed for one of his gallons of milk, only to realize he'd spilled all of them while kicking and flailing around like he just fell into a vat full of Agent Orange!
A knock came at L.A. Beastboy's door. "Beastboy, what the hell are you doing in there?" It was Raven. She hadn't heard so much screaming since the time Mammoth got drunk at a bar and tried to use Gizmo as a suppository. Four good men died that day, and none of them were Mammoth, Gizmo, or the Teen Titans.
Beastboy couldn't respond to Raven right away, so she allowed herself in, fearing the worst: that Beastboy might survive and make a full recovery. She saw Beastboy writhing on the ground, clutching his throat, covered in milk, water, urine, and GUARANTEED NEW YOUTUBE SUBSCRIBERS! "What the…?"
Walking closer was a decision Raven would soon regret. Beastboy, by this point becoming senile due to the heat's severity, was clutching at the air for anything to douse himself with. He found Raven's leotard, at the stomach area. "AHH! Let go!"
But L.A. Beastboy was not one to just let go. I mean, did you see the way he acted in the final episode? Motherfucker was like the lovechild of Mark David Chapman and that one person you all knew in high school who looked up their crush's address just so they could walk by that poor person's house every day. Beastboy pulled Raven to the ground and brought her leotard to his mouth, trying desperately to cool his tongue on something. Raven, being an ice-queen, was actually helping him out. Of course, when someone you aren't steady with reaches over and tries to pull off your only piece of clothing, you either beat them up, struggle to get away, or you're in a terrible hentai comic. Forgive me, the term "terrible hentai comic" was an oxymoron I couldn't ignore pointing out.
Raven, now covered in about 1,000,000 percent more urine than she ever wanted in her life, and the deluded Beastboy struggled for at least… well, I don't know. Just because I'm writing the story, doesn't mean I know everything. They looked like two confused, strangely skin-toned wrestlers fighting over the world's ghettoest championship belt. But Raven's situation was about to turn from bad to worse, and so is The Situation from Jersey Shore, because there's no chance of getting better for a human being like that. You know, I've never seen an episode of that show in my life.
"Let go of me, you asshole!"
"RAVEN! MAKE THE HOT NOT HEAT!"
L.A. Beastboy found out, much to his chagrin, that there were other parts of his body besides his throat that were under attack from the vicious chili pepper. His bowels suddenly explosively evacuated in his pants, leaking a terrible brownish-red ichor the sight and smell of wish was horrid enough to trigger Raven's gag reflex, and she vomited violently all over Beastboy's open-mouthed face. Now the two teenagers were rolling around in a fetid soupy mixture of blood, shit, vomit, urine, milk, and soon semen as the friction created from Raven trying to get away from Beastboy's iron-hard clutch resulted in a quick and timely ejaculation from Beastboy's virginal, oversensitive penis.
Humiliated, tired and in shock, Raven's mind could no longer process the situation and it shut down, Beastboy having lost enough liquid to follow shortly. The video resulting from this most awful incident would be a viral hit, destroying the credibility of the Teen Titans for generations to come.
And that, folks, is the most realistic Beastboy/Raven romance story you will ever read. Thank you, I will take my twenty dollars now.