This is a really old fic from years ago, I recently stumbled upon it. Not sure if I'm continuing this. OOCness abound. This shouldn't be taken too seriously. It's crack~but I hope it's funny and will make you smile :)
Note for new readers: This story will have a plot later on, as the summary says. But there will still be humor, as the genre indicates.
It may be confusing at first because it's non-chronological order, but I promise it will all make sense in the post-script chronological timeline (at least I tried my best to make it make sense after receiving feedback), so please don't skip to that and enjoy the narrative first okay? ^_^
In which there is a Happy Monster and an Annoyed Flea
Yagiri Namie had seen many strange things in her life, especially while working for that bastard Izaya, but what was in front of her eyes took the cake.
"…Is that Heiwajima Shizuo?"
…Well, that answered her question.
Namie watched in amusement as Izaya glared and tried to shove the clingy blond away.
"Do you know how mortifying it was for me?! Everyone was looking! Even Shiki-san looked at me like I was crazy!" The raven haired man ranted, "He won't let go of me! He even had the gall to carry me! I had no choice but to make my way home with this idiot drunk Shizu-chan!"
"Izayaaa~I hate you~" Said idiot drunk Shizu-chan nuzzled into Izaya's neck, smiling, "I hate you so muuuch~"
"I hate you too Shizu-chan so let go of me ALREADY!"
"…He doesn't' look like he hates you." Namie had to say.
"You are NOT helping, Namie-san!"
"Well," Namie leaned back in amusement as she watched as Izaya twitched as Shizuo nuzzled his neck happily, "How did this happen?"
Izaya sighed and glared at the happy monster nuzzling his neck.
"It's all Simon's fault."
A few hours earlier, in Ikebukuro
Izaya hummed as he skipped happily towards Russia Sushi with a suitcase in his hand. Simon was in front calling out to people as usual, and he turned as Izaya approached.
"Ah, Izaya! Ootoro today, yes?"
"Ah not today, Simon," Izaya waved his hand with a smile, "I'm just here on some business."
Simon nodded, and turned his head, "Ah, Shi-zu-o! Feeling better, no?"
Ah shit. Izaya prepared to reach for his knife and his feet prepared to dash away, until they froze to the spot when he caught sight of Shizuo.
Shizuo was smiling.
Shizu-chan was smiling. At him.
The sight was so unexpected that Izaya froze as Shizuo stumbled towards him. He soon recovered, and smirked tauntingly, "Hey Shizu-chan, that expression doesn't suit your face! A monster like you should-oof!"
When Izaya had regained his bearings, he realized that Shizuo was behind him with his arms around his waist.
"Izayaaaaa-kun~ didn't I tell you not to come to Ikebukuro~!"
"Of course you did Shizu-chan-" Izaya let out a gasp as the monster of Ikebukuro nuzzled his neck. He turned his head, staring incredulously.
"Shizu-chan…what are you doing?"
"Hugging you, Izaya-kun~!"
Izaya stared at Shizuo's happy expression and flushed cheeks, and twitched.
"…Shizu-chan you're drunk aren't you?"
"Mmmm…" Shizuo continued nuzzling his neck like it was his favourite sweet.
"…I thought Shizu-chan didn't drink alcohol?"
"Izayaaa-kun~I hateee youuu~"
The frustratingly unpredictable protozoan merely smiled wider and nuzzled his neck more.
Izaya was speechless for a while, his arms slack, until he managed to get his vocal cords working again. "I hate you too, Shizu-chan, so…" he managed a smirk and swept a hand as best as he could from his position. "Won't you let me go?"
"Nooooo~" Shizuo replied far too happy for the angry monster he knew, "I finally have the fleaaaaaaa in my grasp, I'm not letting you goooo~"
"…Shizu-chan, really…" Izaya sighed and turned to Simon. "Simon…a little help here?"
"Yeah. Would you be so kind as to get this…clingy protozoan off me?"
"But this good!" Izaya stared as Simon grinned widely. He nodded in satisfaction. "Shi-zuo and Izaya no fight! Shizu-o happy and no violent! No violence is good! Violence and fighting bad!"
"Izaya and Shizuo now good friends! Ikebukuro now peaceful!" Izaya twitched, "Fighting bad! But peace good!"
"Peace~~~" Shizuo echoed drunkenly as he smiled and clung to Izaya.
Simon's smile widened. "Yes, peace." He gave a thumbs up. "Shizu-o drunk good."
"Simon," Izaya deadpanned. "Please don't tell me you did this on purpose."
"I? Purpose? My purpose is no fighting for you two," Simon waved his huge hands. "Shizu-o drunk suits this purpose. Good that Shizuo came to Russia Sushi and drink sake!"
"Why did you give him sake?"
"Hm? Shizu-o sad. Sad men drown sorrows in sake. It Japanese custom, yes?"
"…He must have drunk a lot of sake."
Simon nodded. "Shizu-o very sad! He drown huge sadness in sake!"
"I think you mean angry," Izaya sighed as he glanced at the smiling Shizuo. "So this is why he's happy now?"
"Happy Shizuo good! Happy Shizuo is no violent! No violence good! Happy Shizuo is peaceful!"
"I am not at peace." Izaya saw fit to point out.
"Ah but happy Shizuo and Izaya is peaceful!" Simon smiled. "This good opportunity for you to make friends! Very good!"
"I do not want to be friends with this protozoan!" Izaya jabbed a finger at Shizuo.
Shizuo merely smiled and hugged him tighter, "Izayaaa~" he slurred. "Flea small…body small…but nice to hug…"
Izaya stared at him incredulously. "Simon," he said weakly, "This is not being friends. Shizu-chan is harassing me!"
"No, Shizu-o no harassment! Shizu-o only want to be Izaya friend!"
Izaya was cut off by the sound of his ringtone. He grimaced and slipped his hand into his jacket to take his phone out, and answered the call quickly. "Orihara Izaya here. Yes, Shiki-san. Ah yes I have the items you require. I apologize, I was unfortunately sidetracked- wah! Stop it you damn protozoan!"
"Orihara-san?" Shiki said with slight surprise.
"S-Shiki-san," Izaya spoke, eyebrow twitching as he glared at Shizuo, who dared to blink at him innocently. "I apologize, I was not addressing you. A certain unpredictable monster saw fit to…impede me and delay my journey. I'll be coming over right now." He nodded. "Yes. I'll see you soon."
Izaya flipped his phone shut and slid it back into his pocket. He glared at Shizuo. "Really, Shizu-chan. I have to meet a very important client. So unhand me this instant, will you?"
He grumbled as he rubbed the bruised spot on his neck. Damn monster, sinking his teeth in like that…what the hell was he? Food? Some disgusting sugary sweet?
"Who?" Shizuo asked.
"A very important client." Izaya repeated with emphasis. He smirked, "So let me go, alright?"
Shizuo seemed to think for a while, before he smiled and shook his head, "Noooo…" he mumbled, lowering his nose back into Izaya's neck. "I…Izaya…go."
Izaya said. Oh great now the protozoan wasn't even capable of basic Japanese grammar.
"I go with Izaya…" Shizuo said cheerfully, brown eyes sparkling in a very annoying way. "Not leaving the fleaaaa…"
"Shizu-chan," Izaya said slowly. "I am not walking through Ikebukuro with you like this."
"Whhhyy?" Shizuo drawled.
"We are enemies, remember? Shizu-chan hates me and I hate Shizu-chan. We try to kill each other," Izaya gave the most taunting smirk he could muster, "Right…Shizu-chan?"
"Yeah!" Izaya couldn't hold back his relief. "You want to kill me, Shizu-chan. Not hug me."
Shizuo murmured. He blinked again and then dashed Izaya's hopes by smiling and tightening his grip around Izaya's waist.
"Flea is mine to kill…but flea is nice to hug… so today no killing flea…no want to hug dead body…"
Izaya deflated. "Please kill me." He deadpanned.
"No killing flea~" Shizuo said happily.
"No killing good!" Simon beamed.
Izaya felt as if the whole world was against him. He let out a heavy sigh. "Shizu-chan," he said almost pleadingly, "I can't walk with you like this! At least get off, will you? You're heavy!"
To Izaya's horror, Shizuo pouted at him. "But I don't want to let flea gooooo…" his brown eyes unhidden by his sunglasses blinked. "Flea nice to hold…"
"But I can't move like this!" Izaya protested, glowering as he struggled in Shizuo's arms.
The monster didn't budge. Damn monster and his unbeatable strength!
"Hmmm…" Shizuo seemed to be pondering. He blinked, then smiled, "I carry Izaya."
Before Izaya could process the new incredulous statement, he found himself in Shizuo's arms with the blond grinning at him. "Problem solved, Izayaaa-kun!"
"The problem is not solved because the problem is you, you stupid protozoan brain!" Izaya thrashed in Shizuo's arms, "So just let go of me damn it!"
"Don't want to let go…" Shizuo murmured and started forward as people began to stare at them. "Client…whereee?"
Izaya glared and whipped a knife out and stabbed it into Shizuo's shoulder.
There was a silence as people looked at them and Izaya smirked. Shizuo blinked, and continued moving forward.
Izaya stared. "Shizu-chan?"
"I just stabbed you, you know?"
"Ahhh…" Shizuo blinked at the knife in his shoulder. He looked down at Izaya, then shrugged and leaned his head to the side, taking the knife in his mouth and pulling it out.
Izaya gaped as Shizuo broke the knife with his teeth with a toothy grin as the broken knife fell onto the ground. "Izayaaaa-kun is as weaaak as usual~" he drawled.
Izaya stared helplessly as people around them began to whisper. He caught a black motorcycle with a certain headless rider speeding away out of the corner of his eye and grimaced.
- Why are you going away?! Come and make this stupid protozoan let go of me damn it!
"Kyaaaa! Dotachin, Dotachin! Look!"
"I know, right! It's Shizu-Shizu and Izayaaaaan! Shizu-Shizu is carrying Izayan bridal style! Like a princess! Kyaaaa! I KNEW IT!"
"Shizu-Shizu is smiling! Kyaa! He's happy he finally got Izayaaaan! I CAN DIE HAPPY NOWWW~!"
"…Has Shizuo finally snapped?"
"Hey isn't that Heiwajima Shizuo?"
"And that's Orihara Izaya isn't it?!"
"But it can't be! Heiwajima Shizuo is carrying him and not killing him!"
"Heiwajima Shizuo isn't angry?!"
"Orihara Izaya looks angry! He stabbed Heiwajima Shizuo just now!"
"But he broke the knife with his teeth!"
"Heiwajima Shizuo is smiling! He looks happy with him!"
"I-Is that Izaya-san?"
"What's going on?!"
If Izaya had been any other person he would have cried in despair and buried his face in Shizuo's shoulder. But since he was Orihara Izaya, he forced a smirk onto his face and looked confidently forward while melting in despair inwardly.
"…Fine then. Onward, Shizu-chan. I've made Shiki-san wait long enough."
And as the monster moved forward with the information broker in his arms, Izaya swore that if this ruined his reputation even after he dealt with it, he would find some way to give Heiwajima Shizuo lifetime imprisonment.