The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Adventure Time characters is in another dimension. Just a little one shot based off of Bad Timing.
Mental Diary of a Mad Pink Princess
Princess Bubblegum sighed as she took a drink for herself in the bar. The bar was deserted and no one was inside. Just her and her thoughts. And her time machine. And a strong glass of root beer she poured for herself.
For a moment Bubblegum wondered if she had any money to put down so she could pay for her drink. She didn't have any on her at the time.
"Well I am the Princess after all…" Bubblegum rationalized as she took another drink. "I'm allowed a drink every now and then on the house."
She let out a breath and then assuaged her guilty conscience. "I'll send some money in the morning. Or whenever I get around to it. It's not stealing if I pay for it. Actually after all I do they should give me at least one drink for free."
They'll never know what I go through in order to keep this kingdom up and running, Bubblegum thought to herself. The sacrifices I need to do to keep them safe. Speaking of sacrifices…
"LSP…" Bubblegum grumbled. "What am I going to do with you?"
Once again I have to clean up another one of her messes…She thought. Last time she went nuts she started an investigation which nearly led to a lawsuit. Okay technically it was Finn and Jake's fault for wrongful imprisonment. And the Banana Guards for not telling me right away. That Pete Sassafras was in my dungeon for almost two days before I found out.
Good thing Root Beer Guy brought it to my attention and I was able to smooth things over with the guy. But geeze LSP…Do you have to be a drama queen about everything?
Her mind thought back to the 'incident' the other day. And what happened earlier that night. I'm pretty sure that LSP is responsible for the truck bomb that damaged my castle. But thanks to my oh so vigilant Banana Guard…She rolled her eyes at the thought. There's no proof she was involved in the attack. And of course the security cameras weren't on because the guards forgot to turn them on!
So even though I have a strong suspicion that Lumpy Space Princess is responsible for the damages again…I can't do anything! Not without starting a war. Which is what I almost did when she attacked me!
"I wouldn't really have declared war on Lumpy Space," Bubblegum muttered to herself. "But I had to threaten her somehow or else she'd really go crazy. Plus she tore my hair for no reason! It took me all afternoon to fix it!"
Besides it never would have happened even if I did declare war. A few words with her parents would definitely get her in trouble and they'd make her apologize anyway.
Someone has to teach LSP about responsibility. Her parents aren't exactly doing a bang up job letting her run around wild.
I shouldn't have erased LSP's memories of Johnny. I gave into my weakness too fast. I know I can't stand most people being in pain. Well maybe the Ice King and a few other fools but still…If I hadn't maybe she might have learned from her mistake but…Oh well. There's nothing I can do about it now.
"Bubblegum erase my memories of my stupid lumpin' mistake…" Bubblegum grumbled to herself in LSP's tone. "Well who's gonna erase my memories huh?"
"I guess it's just another secret I have to keep…" Bubblegum sighed. "Another in a long, long lifetime of secrets…"
Bubblegum looked at her now empty glass. "Well…I already took one drink. And I am planning on paying so…" She went back and refilled the glass. "Another isn't going to hurt."
She took another drink. "I should make LSP pay for this…" She grumbled. "This is all her fault anyway. Poor Johnny…I hope wherever he is he's okay…"
She went back into her seat. "Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with LSP anyway. Oh yeah, she's a princess and I'm a princess and good relations and blah, blah, blah…" She made a raspberry noise before taking another drink. "It's all for the good of the kingdom. Being…responsible."
Now that I think about it I'm not so sure how secure my kingdom is in relations with the other kingdoms, Bubblegum thought as she drank. Flame Princess is at the top of that list. Okay she's more honest and less evil than her father. And she is trying to change her people. That I respect. But our history is still pretty...combustible.
Not to mention there's that whole elemental matrix problem she has. But I guess it could be under control now since she's too busy running a kingdom to think about romance. So that's something.
I still have to watch her. I know she still holds a grudge against me and quite frankly the feeling is kind of mutual. She did take Cinnamon Bun from me.
On the other hand she did take Cinnamon Bun from me so…It's one less responsibility I have to worry about. And he won't burn down her kingdom like he did mine. For obvious reasons. Maybe it's for the best he's there at least for now?
Still…I can't completely trust Flame Princess. That much is pretty clear.
"So if something really bad happens I can't go to Flame Princess for help," Bubblegum grumbled before she took another drink. "And I certainly can't rely on LSP that's for sure…"
So who else can I turn to for help? Bubblegum thought some more.
Things with Marceline are better than they have been in a long time. A lot of that is due to Finn. However the past has taught me I can never truly rely on her. But maybe…sometimes. As long as she's around. If she's around…
Now that I think about it I can't really count on any of the other princesses if there's trouble. Hot Dog Princess? Seriously? Her knights are even more of a joke than my Banana Guards.
Of course I'd never tell her that out loud but still…There's a reason it's one of the smallest kingdoms in Ooo.
Wildberry Princess cries at every little thing. Raggedy Princess has no self-esteem whatsoever to be any help other than sewing clothes and maybe fixing curtains. Muscle Princess could be helpful if she didn't spend all her time looking at herself in the mirror and working out. Embryo Princess is…well an embryo. Not much help there.
Slime Princess is okay. I heard she still has some of those tanks her sister made. But most of them were converted to some kind of party vehicles or something. Besides, she and her people spend all their time at the disco and partying so…
Yeah I'm not so sure that slime tanks are the best way to go if there's trouble.
By now Bubblegum was feeling a slight sugar rush. She began to muse aloud.
"Bounce House Princess…? No. Engagement Ring Princess? No…Breakfast Princess and Toast Princess? Only if I need some breakfast to eat. Other than that…no. Elbow Princess? Can barely make a fist so…no. Princess Princess Princess? Only good for gossip so no…"
Turtle Princess is smart and knows stuff but she's not exactly the fastest engine on the block if you get my drift. And she spends way too much of her reading time on romance books so that's no help there.
"Space Angel Princess…Glob no!" Bubblegum groaned as she started to absently tear at her hair.
Ugh now that I think about it, it's worse than I thought. And I do not want to even think about the Ice King!
"And don't get me started on the wizards," She spoke aloud. "Those irresponsible lunatics don't care what happens to the rest of us as long as they're safe inside their precious city. Half of them spend time running around putting curses on all of Ooo and the other half just sit around on their duffs playing with magic."
She mocked aloud. "Oooh! I'm maaaaagic! I'm a wizard! Oooh! Floopity Flooo!" She made motions with her hand. "Yeah big deal. I can do tricks too. Right now, I'm gonna make another glass of root beer disappear!"
She got up and did so. "Hmm…This root beer is a bit watered down," She remarked as she took another drink. "I should remember to check this bar's license. Or something…"
"So back to my problem…" Bubblegum thought some more. "Which is…most of my allies are pretty much useless. Great so my only hopes for defense lie in Marceline the emotional and temperamental vampire queen, an outlaw robot, a love struck teenage boy and a dog. Oh and Lady and her pups. I can count on Lady at least."
Then it came to her. "No, there is one other…Lemonhope. He's young but he can be taught. I can do better with him than with…"
Glob what I mistake I made with Lemongrab. He makes the zombie outbreaks seem like minor inconveniences. How could I have created such a dangerous unstable tyrant who ate his own brother?
The best way to deal with Lemongrab is to groom Lemonhope to one day defeat him and be ready to resume rightful rule of the Lemon Kingdom. Once Lemongrab is deposed and Lemonhope is strong enough to be put on the throne not only will the Lemon People finally be free and peace will return, but I will have a strong ally for the Candy Kingdom.
"That settles it!" Bubblegum forcefully put her empty mug down on the bar. "Lemonhope is my hope! Hope for a better future not just for the Lemon People but for the Candy Kingdom! Yes, I'll teach him everything I know. When the time comes and he's older and stronger I'll back him for taking over the Lemon Kingdom. Then I'll have a strong ally I can depend on and an intelligent heir if the worst ever happens!"
"Don't get me wrong…" Bubblegum looked at her distorted reflection in a nearby mirror. "Finn's great. He's great. Great. He's just…Finn? You know what I mean?"
She sighed. "Yeah you know what I mean. The point is…Lemonhope. He's my one chance to fix the mess I made with…Whasshis name? Oh yeah, Lemongrab. Sheesh why did I name him Lemongrab? Even his name sucks. Gra-aab."
She hiccupped. "Hmmm I think this root beer is a bit stronger than I thought. Oh well…It doesn't matter…" She took her time portal and prepared to leave. "I'm gonna…close the bar down or something…In the morning…I'm going to double my efforts to train Lemonhope. Because he is my hope."
Bubblegum managed to fight her buzz so that she wouldn't stagger as she left the bar. "Sheesh what a dump…" She grumbled. "Ah doesn't matter. I'll give 'em money to fix it up…or maybe burn it down…whatever. Can't think about that now. Gotta think about Lemonhope…Poor little Lemonhope…Sweet little Lemonhope…"
"Man Bonnie you're really buzzed aren't you?"
"What? What?" Bubblegum looked around. She saw Marceline floating behind her. "Marceline! What…What did you here doing? I mean what are you doing here?"
"I was just hanging out when I heard about the explosion at the palace," Marceline shrugged. "Flew over to see if everything was okay."
"Oh yeah. Everything's fine…" Bubblegum staggered a little. "Fine, fine, fine. Because once again science had to clean up all the messes! Good old science."
Marceline took a sniff. "Geeze Princess how much root beer did you drink?" Marceline made a look. "I mean you do remember that root beer is like alcohol to Candy People right? Because of all the sugar and…"
"Of course I know that!" Bubblegum said defensively. "I'm the freaking princess of the freaking Candy Kingdom. I know that! Everybody knows that I know that. And you know that everybody knows that I know…And besides I only had one, two, three…I'm pretty sure it was less than six glasses."
"Uh huh," Marceline smirked.
"Don't you shhmirk at me," Bubblegum's speech was getting slurred. "You don't know what I've been through the past few days! First it was Jake at my science presentation. 'Ice King did this!' Blah! Blah! Blah! And then LSP attacked me screaming about Bra-aaad and how I'm lumping something or other. Then I had to spend all day putting my hair back together…"
"Yeah you're plowed," Marceline rolled her eyes and picked up Bubblegum.
As much as I'd love for Bubs to have her subjects see her as less than perfect for once, even I can't let her stagger around drunk, Marceline thought to herself. Besides, it will be more fun to blackmail her about this later.
"And then, and then some other stuff happened and then my dinner got ruined by a exploding truck…" Bubblegum hiccupped as Marceline carefully floated her to her bedroom unseen. "And big surprise my highly trained Banana Guards didn't do anything! 'Take a chill pill princess'…You wanna see chill? How about I make you all frozen bananas? How's that for chill?"
"Geeze Bonnie I haven't seen you this plastered since the Great Ooo Royal Banquet a couple hundred years ago," Marceline remarked as they entered the bedroom. "After the incident with the exploding fire truck."
"Oh wait it was Manfred who said…" Bubblegum hiccupped. "Still…chill. Oh I'll chill all right…Get some liquid nitrogen and…"
"Bonnie calm down, and get some sleep," Marceline put her on her bed. "You get kind of crazy and homicidal when you're drunk. Not that it's a bad look on you…"
"Sometimes I think all my inventions do is cause trouble," Bubblegum blearily lay down on her bed. She put the time portal and gloves on the bed stand.
"No argument there," Marceline shrugged.
"Like Lemongrab…." Bubblegum grumbled. "That's why I need Lemonhope because he's…" She then passed out and started to snore.
"Okay Bonnie, time for beddie bye," Marceline shook her head and took off Bubblegum's shoes. She then pulled the coverers over her. "Something tells me I'm better off asking what happened when you're sober. And your hangover wears off."