Hello, fellow comrades in arms. I am here with new material for you to enjoy. Or not enjoy. I mean, I don't know your life or your schedule. Basically these are…I don't know, drabbles? (I always thought the length for drabbles was debatable.) To make fun of the fantasy sex that is portrayed in movies and a lot of fanfiction. Most of you know that sex can be awkward, hilarious, romantic, etc. But it's not always banging-ass bitchin' sex all the time. Things can get weird and someone needs to address this.

So this is what that's about and Eren and Levi are my muse. This is how they would react to REAL LIFE sexual scenarios that happens to us all the time. My hope is that you laugh at this or think "Oh my god, that's happened to me and my partner before!"

I will be writing about Hate Sex, Drunk Sex, High Sex, Blowjobs, Man-scaping, Road Head, Blowjobs, Morning Sex, Shower Sex, Threesomes, Getting Caught in The Act, Porn, Role Playing, Dirty Talk and Cum-Shots.

If ANYONE feels like I've missed something, please suggest something in a review. This is a fun, interactive story with you guys. If you guys suggest a really cool, funny idea then I'll always take it into consideration. Share your stories. Almost all of these drabbles that I will write have at some point happened to me.

So, have fun and read on!


Chapter 1: Quickies

Anyone who knew Levi was aware that the man had and needed his routines. Stringent and punctual routines that he imposed throughout his daily life. For example, when arriving at work he would park his car in the same spot for nearly three years strong, walk the perfect pace into the building – not too casually and not too expeditiously – take the third elevator on the right to the twenty seventh floor, walk again into his office, greet his secretary with indifference and demand his third cup of coffee that morning, shrug his coat off and properly hang it on the rack, take the coffee with the same indifference, watch subtly as the secretary studies his lips as they take of sip of the dark roast and secretly wishing it was her pussy, cast her away back to her duties, and then he would sit down and commence in a day of unwarranted phone calls, board meetings and the overseeing of all past, present and future projects.

It was redundant and tedious. Most would be driven mad by it, but Levi always fancied the idea of a rigid schedule. Especially when it came to his professional life. Shit would never get done otherwise.

However, currently it was six thirty in the morning. Work was far off in the distance. Levi's morning ritual was not as pristine as the rest, but nevertheless it was still habitual. Now the man sat alone at the kitchen counter, shirtless in gray sweats with his black hair wild from slumber, his first cup of coffee in one hands and a lit cigarette in the other. All he would do at this time – as the sun rose gently over civilization, is appreciate the quiet. Sip the bitter liquid and then take a drag of burning tobacco and feel how relaxed he was both body and soul.

That is until the bedroom door lurched open with a great force, slamming against the wall and ricocheting off of it as it shook. Out stormed Eren from a dead sleep with a trail of fire scorching in his wake.

Levi thought to himself how truly ignorant he could be. Of course there was no peace when you lived with hellion.

Bam! Bam! Bam! The boy's feet stomped across the floor, disrupting his meditations. "I'm late!" he bellowed.

Levi paid no attention to his urgency. He realized long ago that doing such only fueled his fits or did nothing to simmer them down. So, the man stared straight ahead, inhaling smoke into his lungs and thought it better to kill himself slowly as his young, hot-headed lover cried like a child.

"Well, that's unfortunate," he said. "You should hurry up."

Eren didn't spare Levi a passing glance as he marched into the laundry room, speaking irately, "I can't believe you didn't wake me up! You know I have work at seven!" His voice drifted away as he entered a cramped room adjacent to the front door in the apartment kitchen and yanked opened the dryer door, pulling out article after article of clothing in search for a work outfit.

The sound of clean clothes lightly hitting the ground made Levi's eyebrow twitch, "I just washed those, brat."

Eren must have been ignoring him because the painful noise of wardrobes – most likely his own button-up shirts – being thrown on the tile floor continued. Levi tightened his grasp on his coffee cup and suppressed the impulse to shout. Instead he let out a long wistful sigh, stubbed out his cigarette and slid off the barstool in which he sat and walked over to the entryway of the laundry room. "It's only six-thirty, you know," Levi informed as he leaned against the doorframe. "What the hell are you worrying for?"

The boy plucked up a pair of underwear from the pile of clothes and threw it off to the side. He began to immodestly strip down to nothing but his bare skin as he spoke. Not that it bothered Levi. The man had seen this kid naked a million times.

"There's this phenomenon that all parts of the world go through and that's morning rush hour. It takes me forty-five minutes to get to my job. And – ah, fuck!" Eren fumbled with wrenching off his pants and day old briefs from his ankles and began to lose his balance, hopping around on one foot like a circus act while Levi watched him – amused. Once the boy got his footing back, he murmured heatedly to himself, "Of course he wouldn't know about that because he goes to the office whenever he feels like it. It's not like I have to punch in or anything."

Levi took a large gulp of his lukewarm coffee and wiped the dark residue from his lips with the back of his hand. Eren was now completely nude. His tan skin was always radiating in any kind of light, but that livid scowl would forever vex and captivate Levi at the same time. It was making his dick grow stiff for no particular reason at all.

Or perhaps it was the sight of that magnificent and lean naked ass right in front of him as Eren bent over to snatch up a clean pair of under garments. He should clarify; the image of the kid's body didn't bother him, but it never failed to arouse him and all Levi could do was lustfully gaze at it.

Eren caught a brief sight of it out of the corner of his eye as he stood upright. He cocked a ponderous eyebrow, "What?"

Levi shrugged, "Nothing."

Eren paused, taking a second to study those eyes. To the outside world, Levi's constant apathetic expression made for an impenetrable blockade. However, his lover could take one look at him and know exactly what he wanted or what he was thinking. And Eren deciphered that code in an instant.

"No."

"I didn't say anything."

"No, no, no," the boy recited as he turned a cold shoulder to the man. "I'm so fucking late right now."

Levi nodded absentmindedly to himself, glancing off to the side as if he were trying to preoccupy his mind to something else, but all he was doing was finding a suitable location to place his cup. The end table next to the door seemed good and it was set down promptly. From there he took three steps forward until his chest was a mere centimeter from Eren's back and Levi watched that delicate skin prickle with goosebumps as his body whispered behind him.

Eren exhaled an exasperated breath and craned his neck to peer over his shoulder, "What did I-"

He was immediately cut off by the sensation of a strong set of arms curling themselves around his waist, pulling him hard against a sturdy chest and hands slowly plunging downwards into his pubic hair.

"I really don't have time for this," Eren persisted.

It fell on deaf ears. Levi grazed his calloused palm over the brat's undeniably budding erection and wrapped his slender fingers around its girth, squeezing softly. "Yes you do," he whispered into his ear.

Eren's breath hitched as he restrained a moan inside of his lungs. The way his body shivered at the touch said it all, but his words kept making attempts to shoot Levi down. "Levi, come on. I really need to get to work."

"You seem to mistake me for someone who cares," he growled seductively and pushed Eren brusquely forward. The boy's body crashed into the dryer before him, knees slamming hard into the rough surface and hands extending to clutch the sides to prevent him from smacking his face into it. Levi heard him cry out his name in protest and all it did was fly right over his head. In truth, it gave him more motivation to tug his sweats down his thighs and expose his member – which was solid as stone. "It'll be quick," he assured, "I'll make you cum in two minutes."

"I…" Eren so terribly wanted to object because the man has done this to him on numerous occasions. He absolutely and irrefutably did not know the definition of a quickie. It took him a minimum of ten minutes to orgasm and that was not a guarantee. But, Oh Father Art Thou in Heaven did his erection feel amazing pressed up so firmly against him.

"Goddamn it, fine."

The invitation was then offered to the opposite party and from there Levi wordlessly accepted. There was not an ounce of hesitation in his movements – those skilled hands moved from gripping Eren's dick to spreading his ass checks in moments, caressing his sides and fingernails raking ever so slightly across his flesh along the way there. Levi had situated the tip of his cock against the kid's eager entrance just as quickly. Eren's mind barely even registered the feeling before the pressure of Levi forcing himself through his insides racked his body with violent shudders.

Two reason why Eren hated sex on the go: foreplay was impossible and they didn't use lubricant. It was always incredibly tough and uncomfortable initially – like he was losing his virginity all over again.

"I-It's…so dry," he gasped, muscles tightening as Levi's cock was pushed further into his ass.

Once again, Eren's complaints were disregarded. A palm was placed flat in between his tensed shoulder blades and then he was shoved facedown onto the dryer. His green eyes flickered upwards and saw Levi's left arm reach out above his head and grab the start knob of the machine, turn it counterclockwise to begin a new cycle and pulled.

"What are you doing?" Eren inquired.

"Give it a second."

Levi knew the mechanics of this dryer frontwards and back. Mostly because he did all the laundry. The piece of shit would delay for five seconds before loudly sputtering as it kicked on, and then it would squeal like it was in great agony and finally begin to vibrate so intensely that it would shake the ground like a Calfornia earthquake. That power was presently compressed against Eren's sensitive member and it made his knees buckle and his mouth open wide to release a hearty groan.

His slim hips were seized hastily by Levi and immediately he started thrusting deep within Eren's mind-blowing internal warmth, impelling the boy's arousal firmer into the tremor of the dryer.

Beautiful green eyes rolled so far to the back of his head that he nearly caught a glimpse at his brain. "Oh my god," Eren groaned harshly through gritted teeth. "Levi, a-ah! Just like that…"

Those delectable begs and whimpers could spur insanity into any man. At times it could plague even Levi's placid mind, cogging the gears that rotated the apparatus and reducing him down to nothing more than a horny barbarian. He observed in awe as their skin slapped together with every assault of his cock as if he had just discovered the element of fire. Meanwhile, Eren was pushing his own leaky erection hard against the pulsating machine before him, feeling a pleasure that rocked his very bones and moaning so animatedly he was almost sobbing.

However, that little brat still had enough cognizance to squint at that goddamn clock, "Ngh, fuck…you have…a-ah, a minute left."

What a cheeky bastard.

"Shut the fuck up, I know," Levi grunted, his voice unrefined and thick with frustration and fatigue. He plunged into Eren with all his might – to the point where he felt like he was stabbing his insides – at just the right angle where the man knew it would be a direct hit on the boy's prostate. However, Levi was so engrossed on getting this brat to orgasm that the scream that ensued from under him didn't even phase him.

If Eren didn't bust a load in less than forty five seconds, Levi knew he was going to look like an asshole.

And that can't happen.

So, he withdrew his constricted hands from the kid's sinful frame – purple bruises already forming where his fingers dug into his flesh – and placed his left palm even on the wall beside him and the right gripping a substantial hold of Eren's rich brown hair and proceeded to fuck the ever-loving dog shit out of him. The only conscious thing the boy could do was gasp for the air that was being thrust out of his being only to discharge it as a frantic moan soon after. But, Levi was too familiar with this young body. It usually only took three solid and precise hits to his sweet spot to make this glorious boy fall apart. He had a very low tolerance for ecstasy.

One.

"Oh, God!"

That was the sound of realization.

Two.

"Shit!"

That was the warning call.

Three.

"I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm fucking coming!"

That was the final notice.

And Eren inner walls began to cave in and clasped deliciously around Levi's erection. So hot and so fucking tight. The boy's cock irrevocably burst, a sticky string of white semen exploding from the tip and landing on the dryer, rolling down the sheen exterior from between his quivering legs. He rocked his hips gently still while the vibration of the spin cycle made riding out his climax damn near heavenly.

Levi came very shortly after, discharging a pornstar-sized load inside of Eren's ass and stiffening his lips so he wouldn't cry out. His orgasm crashed around him with such vigor that he clenched onto the brat's shoulders as the muscles in his back shuddered and spasmed.

Not too shabby for a quickie.

When the pinnacle of Levi's rapture began to die and his dick gradually shrank back to normalcy, he hauled his dizzy body off of Eren who laid limp before him with utterly no incentive to arise and finish getting ready for work and instead allowed the pulsation to shake his tired form. It was kind of comical and ironic. Levi let out an exhausted sigh and gazed down at the sweat glistening on his chest from overexertion. Such filth. He then indignantly wiped the perspiration from his forehead and slicked his hair back out of his face, thinking idly to himself how sex should never be that much work.

Yet, looking at the clock and seeing he had another twenty second to spare made him smirk.

Eren finally found the drive to speak at that moment, voice trembling from the dryer rattling his torso. "Oh my goddddd," he droned wearily with a smile. "That felt soooo good."

Levi didn't formally reply to the flattery, but rather he pulled his sweatpants back up around his lean hips, stared listlessly at Eren in his vulnerable position and uncharacteristically wound his arm back and gave him one strong slap on the ass, resulting in a shrill yelp from his lover.

Levi coolly placed both his hands in his soft pockets and spun on his heel to exit the room.

"You can go to work now."


Oh my god, quickies...

Like, does no one understand that I have places to be? And the fact that your dick sticking out of your pants does not help and I'm most likely going to give into temptation? Talk about a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.

Alright. Review, favorite, follow or ignore me. Whatever you wanna do. Tell me what you think and give me some ideas. I'd love to hear them! I'm planning to put Eren and Levi through a rollercoaster of sexual scenarios and hiccups because it's fun to laugh at ourselves. This was the first chapter so it was a little low key, but I play on making things much more outrageous.

And before I go! Someone please tell me if they've seen the snippet of Levi's English Dubbed voice from funimation and what you think about it? Because honestly…I think it'll work. If they edit some things I think his voice will be badass. It's so weird hearing him have such a low and manly voice – it's kinda sexy. I still like his original, but that's a given. If you wanna hear it without looking too hard, I posted it on my Tumblr that no one follows so check that out.

Anyways, fair winds! See you guys soon!

-Ruben