Oh my god. Oh my god. She's straight. She must be straight!
Anna's brain presented what seemed to her the most logical situation. Because Elsa did not kiss her as Anna had expected, but stopped halfway, staring at Anna with still eyes.
I just tried to kiss Elsa. My mentor. My straight Elsa—I mean, mentor. Oh god.
Elsa was now rising from the couch, refusing to look at Anna. She turned her back on the younger girl.
Fear. It was fear in her eyes. Fear of me.
"Elsa," she began, but the blonde girl cut her off. She refused to face Anna, as if somehow not seeing Anna would make the redhead disappear.
"I-I think you should go," she said, arms folded over her waist, shoulders hunched. Her breath was shallow, and her words rolling out in staccatoed gasps. Anna took a tentative step towards the older girl. She didn't know how to fix this. She'd just royally screwed up.
"Elsa, please," Anna tried to pull her back, but she was again cut off. Elsa thrust a hand out at her.
"Just go," Elsa said. It was soft, but firm, and Anna knew then that nothing she said was going to make anything better. So she grabbed her things and turned to the door, unsure of how she was ever going to fix this mess. Her thoughts were jumbled; mindless feelings coming to her in a frenzy.
What just happened? I….what did I do? I just screwed up a friendship…and I'll probably fail this block.
She stepped out into the cold air of the night, blinking harshly, refusing to let any tears spill out onto the concrete.
Anna hadn't slept. She was a mess, and she knew it. She had lay awake, replaying the evening in her head. How had the night turned from such blissful fun to absolute disaster? How had she gone from nearly sitting on Elsa's lap to getting thrown out two minutes later?
Elsa had wanted to kiss her, she'd finally come to that conclusion around 2:30 am, but something was holding her back. What was she afraid of?
She got to the hospital a little earlier than usual, intending to talk to Elsa. She heard movement behind her door and knocked. The shuffling stopped.
"Who is it?" Elsa's voice was tentative, not at all like the usual confidence the woman radiated.
"It's Anna, can we talk?" There was a pause, and Anna heard nothing, save for the ringing of complete silence in her ears. Silence truly was deafening. Quiet when you desperately wanted to hear a voice was torture. She could practically see Elsa through the door. Elsa's cobalt eyes were probably boring holes through it, threatening to stare it to defeat.
"Anna, I-uh-just meet at 8 at the CCU for rounds." Elsa's voice was soft, fragile, like small snow icicles that might break if you touched them.
"Please Elsa, can we just talk?" she implored once more. She had barely finished her plea when a sharp retort cut her straight to the heart.
"Just meet for rounds!" and just like that, Anna was back on the outside with the Ice Queen.
The tension was almost palpable. A fog was practically visible as Anna entered the room where the rest of the team was already waiting. From the outside, nothing looked amiss. Flynn still cracked jokes, Hans still gazed in the mirror excessively, and Elsa still commanded the team with amazing efficiency. But she no longer looked Anna's way, no longer gave Anna those little half smiles that made her heart leap. She didn't even scream at Anna to find an answer to a ridiculous question.
No, it was far worse. Elsa was shutting her out. The feeling of complete despondence was beginning to settle over Anna's shoulders, weighing her down. She blinked, and her eyelashes felt wet.
Oh god Anna. Pull it together.
Lunch was horrible. Anna couldn't find the appetite to push food down. It was unusual really. Save for a few bouts of the flu, she always ate whole-heartedly. Olaf seemed to have taken notice.
"Anna, what's wrong? You're not eating."
She glanced up, giving him a lame excuse. "Oh, you know, the food is just bland." Anna reached out to grab the salt shaker, playing along with her little lie. She screeched in surprise when she felt another hand enclose around her own.
Elsa, at the other end of the table, had decided at that moment to also grab the shaker. If she had just looked Anna's way, instead of her absolute insistence on refusing to acknowledge Anna's presence, she would've seen the forlorn redhead.
Anna squawked, and the shaker went flying somewhere a few feet behind her. It hit one of the janitors in the knee. Anna looked around, going from wide eye to wide eye. Her gaze came to rest on Elsa, but the blonde wasn't looking at her. She was determinedly looking at her food, a crease lining her brow. Still? Anna couldn't take the lock out any longer, and with hurried apologies, she grabbed her tray and left the lunch room.
Elsa was ignoring her. She knew that. She was doing worse than ignoring her, really. She was sealing her out completely. Elsa was treating her just like her asshole students, for lack of a better phrase.
But after last night, Elsa didn't want to take any chances with Anna. Somehow, she had let the redhead in, and she had fallen. Maybe not hard, maybe not all the way, but she wanted Anna. Elsa wanted Anna now and despite all her reservations, she was almost ready to give up completely.
No, she told herself. You can keep yourself in check. It was safer and easier to just pretend Anna didn't exist than try to cohabitate with her. Don't look at her, don't talk to her, don't want her. She was handling the situation like a child, but the forgone conclusion was that any other situation would involve trying to bed Anna.
Elsa went about her business, ordering the staff around, pretending as if she wasn't breaking someone's heart at that very moment. Pretending as if she wasn't tearing out her own heart as well.
She cast a sidelong glance at Anna. The girl was giving her constant worried looks. It's like I kicked a puppy.
"Oh, I don't feel so good." Anna's eyelids fluttered as her eyes rolled back. Her hands went out to her sides, grasping at air. Anna's body swayed a bit, stumbling in place as she let out breathy gasps. Then, at once, her knees buckled, and she fainted.
Elsa managed to catch her before the redhead fell to the ground, and put her in a nearby seat.
The girl was pale. Her skin was almost the same color as the doctor's coat she was wearing. Elsa picked up her hand. Even her skin was clammy.
"Anna, what's wrong?" she asked anxiously. "Do you want to be checked in downstairs for observation?" This is all my fault.
The younger girl lifted a hand and waved her off. "No, I think I'm okay. If it's okay with you, I'd just like to rest for a while."
Elsa nodded. She held out a hand, and after Anna took it, gingerly helped her to her feet. She turned to the rest of the team.
"I'm going to take Anna to rest in my office. Flynn, do you mind leading the rest of the rounds?"
He shook his head, "Not a problem, I'll page you if you we have any emergencies."
As much as she would've preferred someone else escort Anna, the redhead was her student, as well as her responsibility. She couldn't push it off on to someone else simply because her high school urges were nearly uncontrollable. And you're a dumbass, she thought bitterly.
Elsa looked over to the girl on her right. Her gait was a little wobbly, and her eyes were drifting open and shut. Ignoring the anxiety that threatened her, she wrapped a hand around Anna's waist to steady her. The redhead naturally draped her arm around Elsa's shoulder.
Elsa worried silently the rest of the walk back, wanting to get Anna somewhere to rest. She was also desperate to disengage Anna from herself, and relieve the tension that was building in her core and causing the lump in her throat.
They entered Elsa's office, and the blonde released her hold on Anna. She shut the door, and was surprised when a hand reached over and locked it.
"Anna?" she looked up. Anna no longer looked sickly; in fact, she looked as if nothing had happened at all. Her eyes were focused, posture straight, and her feet steady.
"What's going on? Are you all right?" Elsa was a little worried now. So she faked the whole thing? Just to talk to me?
"Are you alright Elsa?" Anna bit her lip. "You've been avoiding me, I know."
Elsa didn't even bother trying to deny it.
"I thought about it all night-"
I have too, Elsa thought.
"-and I know why you stopped. You can't do it. Cause I'm you're student. And you're my mentor. We're only supposed to be that. Strictly professional. But I want more, and I know the implications it brings."
Anna was looking straight into Elsa's blue eyes, unflinching. Elsa couldn't form a retort. Anna's piercing stare was shackling her. The redhead let out a deep breath, steadying herself.
"There's something here though, between us. I feel it, and I know you feel it too." She took Elsa's hand in hers, and the older girl found that she couldn't pull away, but she dropped her gaze. "I'm sorry, I suck at words. I'm terrible at explaining myself, or what I want, but I'm gonna try.
"I didn't know it, but I was attracted to you from the very start. Everything you do, you just draw me deeper and deeper in. I can't help it; I want you.
"I see it in your eyes, Elsa. You want this too." Elsa turned back to Anna, a piteous look upon her face.
I want this. I want this so badly. But I can't! You're my student! I can't! If this gets out…
"I can't protect you, Anna," she managed to get out.
"I'm not afraid, Elsa." The blonde could see the fire in Anna's eyes; she wasn't lying. Whatever they were diving headlong into, Anna most definitely was not scared.
"I know you would've never made the first move, because you can't. So I'm here, doing it for you. I'm yours, if you want me."
Elsa looked down at the hand holding hers. She felt like such a coward. The fears within her were clashing with the desire she had for Anna. It was pulling her to and fro, like a small boat in a storm. Even breathing seemed like such an arduous task.
Elsa felt the warmth emanating from the palm within hers. She made her decision. Slowly, as if their connected arms were a lifeline, she pulled herself to Anna.
Anna. She was her guide, and she could follow her out of this storm. Never breaking eye contact, cobalt on cerulean, Elsa came within inches of Anna's freckled face. She tilted her head to the side slightly, her eyes sliding shut.
The first thing Elsa could remember was softness. Anna's lips were so soft. She inhaled through her nose and the intoxicating scent of fruits and flowers flooded her brain. Her mind blanked. The only thing on Elsa's mind was that the beautiful girl in front of her was kissing her. She reluctantly pulled back.
How long was that? Seconds? Minutes? Hours?
Anna released Elsa's hand, and the blonde flinched from the loss of contact. She was right; Anna was absolutely right about everything. Elsa was afraid. She feared the repercussions, but with Anna's confession laid bare before her, she found she no longer cared.
Her hands reached for Anna once again: one hand found her waist, the other hand found her neck, and she crushed their lips together. This was nothing like the tender kiss from before. Anna's back fell against the locked door. Anna tasted like everything she had imagined. Sweet and tangy and Elsa found herself unable to pull away. Her lips matched with Anna's rosy ones perfectly, finding a rhythm and savoring her flavor.
A moan built in her chest and she couldn't hold it in. Elsa could feel Anna smiling against her lips, and she used the opportunity to slide her tongue in the younger girl's mouth. She dove in, her tongue wrestling with Anna's, little purrs escaping the back of Anna's throat. Anna lifted a knee in between Elsa's legs, causing the older girl's eyes to roll back as she released a gasp.
The redhead moved her lips to the side of Elsa's face, leaving a trail of wet kisses down her jaw. She nibbled on Elsa's earlobe, causing the blonde to release another groan.
"Anna," the name drawled out of Elsa's lips. Anna's fingers were inching their way into Elsa's white coat, gently tugging out her blouse, and raking fingernails over her bare skin. Elsa shuddered.
Anna, never one for much patience, flipped their positions, pinning Elsa against the door, but the blonde didn't really seem to care. Their lips met together again and again. Elsa's mind was wonderfully blank. It always ran endlessly, a thousand thoughts all vying for her attention, but now, the only thing that mattered was the woman in front of her. The girl connecting with her in so many alluring ways.
"Oh god Anna," she moaned, as Anna again nibbled on her earlobe. And then it abruptly stopped. Elsa opened her eyes and looked at Anna.
"-I said you have to go."
The overhead speaker beeped. "Code Blue, seventh floor CCU, room 710. Dr. Casimir, CCU, room 710."
She cast Anna an apologetic look and flew out the door. Elsa tucked her shirt back in, desperately trying to smooth her clothes out as ran. Luckily, the flushing on her face could be explained away by her sprint to get to the CCU. But her face! Her make up was probably a mess. Making a last minute decision, she wiped her face on the inside of her coat, hoping that it would remove some of the lipstick or makeup that was no doubt smudged.
Within seconds she saw the familiar double doors and crashed through them. Nurses were running in and out of one room, and Elsa knew that was her destination. When she got to the room, the rest of the code team was already there.
A nurse was already administering chest compressions, another holding a breathing mask over the man's face. She looked around to find out how she fit in this situation. She didn't want to interrupt the team already working. But she was having a hard time focusing. Another nurse was clearing the patient's IV line. Blue scrubs were blurring into the white coats. The noise was cacophonous; she was starting to lose it.
ELSA! Get your shit together now!
The body below her had taken a different shape now. It was no longer the middle-aged balding man with a paunch, but now a handsome young man, loose auburn hair falling around his face.
She looked at the monitor. The ECG was completely abnormal. Instead of the jagged lightning bolt she was used to, it was just a zig zag line all the way across.
I can do this. I'm in control again.
"V fib! He's in V Fib! Where's the defibrillator?!"
"I got it Elsa!" the cart wheeled in front of her and she picked up the two handles. In each hand were paddles that looked like square air hockey mallets. "Charge it!"
"Gel," she shouted, and someone squirted a clear gel on the paddles. Elsa put one paddle on the man's upper right chest, and the other on his lower left chest.
"On three! Everyone clear!" she looked around, making sure everyone was no longer in contact with the man. She counted down and pressed the buttons on the paddles. At once, the man's torso contracted upwards, falling back immediately.
"Five breaths!" she commanded to the nurse who had been administering CPR. She looked back at the screen above her. The machine was beeping rapidly. The tiny zig zag from earlier had grown to a large zig zag, indicating a change, though not a good one. She readied her paddles.
"No good! He's still in tachy! I need Epi! Shock on three!" she looked around again. "Everyone clear!"
She pressed the buttons again, and the man looked like he was being pulled up from the chest. He dropped back down.
"Breathe him!" she yelled to the CPR nurse again. Come on.
Elsa stared at the ECG screen. The whole room was waiting for direction.
Finally, the line on the screen resumed a normal rhythm, beeps coming evenly apart. The man's heart was beating regularly. She looked back towards his face. Gone was the young man, his face replaced by the older man it should've been all along. Thank god.
"Let's package him! I want amiordarone!" The room bustled back to life; everyone knew their role and jumped to accomplish their assigned tasks.
"Keep O sats above 94%," she yelled to no one in particular. "Monitor glucose as well!"
"What happened here?" she turned to Oaken.
"Well you know Miss Elsa, Mr. Finnegan has Stage IV heart failure and-" he abruptly cut off when a hand was each placed on Elsa's and Oaken's shoulder.
"I got this Els," Flynn appeared, "go take a breather." She nodded, grateful for the respite. Collapsing into a nearby chair, she let out deep sigh. Codes were draining. They took all of her focus. Elsa was always emotionally exhausted afterwards. The cost of caring, she supposed.
And he was there again. She shook her head, clearing the vision of the brown-haired man on the table. He's always there when my emotions run all over. What was I even doing before this?
Her eyes flashed open. The younger girl was still waiting for her. As quickly as she could without drawing attention, Elsa returned to her office. The clicking of her heels on the floor only made her walk quicker.
What was she going to say? Where was this going? The repercussions could bring the whole department crashing down. Elsa's walk slowed to a crawl. Was she willing to risk everything for this girl she hardly knew? There was no doubt that she was attracted to Anna, that she wanted all of Anna, but was she willing to lose her job for it? Lose her grant?
She opened the door to her office. "Anna?" No answer. She looked down and saw Anna sleeping, chest gently rising and falling. Remembering Anna's words from earlier, Elsa's chest swelled.
"I'm yours, if you want me."
Yeah, I think she's worth it.
First off, I apologize for the delay. Life gets in the way. Maybe this isn't the fairytale you expected, but sometimes love is all ass backwards. Sometimes you get the destination before the journey. I may or may not use that quote in future chapters. :D Thanks for reading and reviewing as always.