Title: The Enemy Cipher Walks In & Says "Trust Me"
Author: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge
Disclaimer: We don't own any of JJ's characters. And that's a good thing, 'cause that would involve owning Haladki. Ewww.
Summary: Light parody of a few days in the life of Sydney.
Rating: PG due to light language.
Distribution: E-mail first, so that we can visit.
Authors' Note: Feel free to e-mail either Glaurificus (firstname.lastname@example.org) or Linoge (email@example.com) if you have any comments. Also, thanks for all the reviews! They mean a lot to us.
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Sydney, wearing a cheerleading outfit, falls through a hatch in the Super-Secret CIA Compound and lands on a bunch of fluffy mattresses.
SYDNEY [getting up, dusting herself off]: Umm…Guys, is that entrance procedure necessary?
KENDALL: Yes, it is. You must jog past the bum and put 72 cents in his cup, do 14 cartwheels across the park in the provided cheerleading outfit, so that our cameras can…make sure you're not being followed, go under the overpass and enter your 15-digit code into the phone, ensuring that the phone is ringing like this: "Ring-Ring…Ring-Ring…" If it is ringing like this: "Ring…Ring…" then you're being followed, and you should kill whoever's behind you before entering the code. I feel I should remind you, however, that the code changes every 12 hours, unless you're being followed, in which case the number has now changed, but only by replacing any 8's with 0's in the current code. If you enter the code incorrectly, you will explode.
SYDNEY [puzzled]: What do you mean, "explode?"
KENDALL [nonchalantly]: Well, remember when we snuck into your house last night while you slept?
SYDNEY [offended]: What?!
KENDALL [stuttering]: Well, I, uh…
SYDNEY [demanding]: Vaughn? Did you know about this?
VAUGHN [trying to defend himself]: Uh…No! This is an outrage!
KENDALL: What are you talking about, Vaughn? It was your idea, remember? You even came up with the cheerleader outfit concept!
Sydney glares at Vaughn.
VAUGHN: What? Do you have something against wearing a provocative cheerleading outfit in front of a bunch of sexually frustrated CIA agents who can't even think about nookie without a visit to Barnett?
SYDNEY: Well, when you put it that way…YES!
KENDALL [continuing]: Anyway, once the code is entered correctly, you must tumble through the hole in the doorway: don't just jump in, don't walk through it, you must tumble. Then, you'll land here, on these fluffy mattresses. So, after all that, I assume you know why you're here?
SYDNEY: To exchange subtle sub textual glances of unexpressed lust with my handler, but never actually get to touch him?
KENDALL [giving her a look]: That, and to tell us your SD-6 mission.
SYDNEY: Didn't you get it off my lunch bag?
VAUGHN: Well, we would have, except you threw it out with your coffee, so the whole thing was ruined. [gets closer to her] Speaking of coffee, what are you doing Saturday night?
VAUGHN [sheepishly]: Sorry, sir. [gesturing] Call me!
The doorbell rings.
SYDNEY [scowling]: There's…A doorbell?
VAUGHN: [uncomfortably]: I'll get it.
The three proceed to the front foyer.
SYDNEY [angrily]: There's…A FRONT FOYER?!
Kendall opens the door; Weiss is on the other side.
VAUGHN: Weiss! You're back!
WEISS [indignantly]: Uh…Yeah. I've been back for three weeks.
WEISS [angrily]: I knew it! You guys were so busy with Sydney's mom that you forgot all about me! While I was in the hospital, I didn't even get one "get well" card! NOT ONE!
SYDNEY: What do you mean? What about the box of chocolates I sent you?
VAUGHN: Or the huge card I had the whole office sign?
WEISS [dejectedly]: Not a single card…
KENDALL: How did you find us?
WEISS: I followed Sydney to the overpass, and then followed the sign that said, "To the Super-Secret CIA Compound."
SYDNEY [glaring at Kendall]: I thought the cameras were supposed to pick him up.
Kendall and Vaughn look around nervously.
KENDALL: The cameras were down today…
WEISS: Can I come in now?
KENDALL: Tell us about your assignment, Sydney.
Star wipe to SD-6 meeting room, 1 hour ago.
SLOANE: We've received word that Mr. Sark is after another set of Rambaldi artifacts. They are interspersed all around the world.
SYDNEY: What are they?
SLOANE: The Rambaldi Spoon, Knife, Fork, and Tea Set.
Everyone stares blankly at Sloane.
SLOANE: No, really! Once the Rambaldi Spoon, Knife, and Fork are together, they play a musical tune which, when transposed to numbers and their order reversed, display the coordinates for the location of the Rambaldi Tea Set. Once the Tea Set is brought near the other Rambaldi Utensils, it too plays a melody which holds the key to eternal life.
Everyone stares at Sloane as if he were Marshall.
SLOANE: In any case, we want you, Sydney, to find these artifacts before Sark does.
Star wipe back to the CIA Compound.
Kendall stares at Sydney.
SYDNEY: What?! I'm telling the truth!
KENDALL: Well, just to be sure, you should probably speak to your mother about this.
SYDNEY: What? Why?
KENDALL: She won't bullshit us. Besides, every week I want you to talk to her, you protest, and then Vaughn brings up a perfectly logical reason why you should, so can't we just avoid that this time?
VAUGHN: He's got a point…
SYDNEY: You stay out of this. [considers] But you're right. I'll do it.
KENDALL: One more thing, though…
SYDNEY [fed up]: What?
KENDALL: We found that your mother responds quite nicely to cheerleaders…
SYDNEY [shouting]: I'm NOT dressing up for you again!
Sydney stomps out of the room to go get changed.