The last scene in our parody opens in the place VartanHo dreams are made of - Vaughn's bedroom! Everyone's favourite handler seems to be having a good time...

Vaughn [dreaming]:       Oh Syd! We have to put our clothes back on before your dad finds us...

Suddenly, Vaughn is jolted awake as he becomes aware of a shadowy female figure standing at the end of his bed.

Vaughn:            Syd, I just came from your house. I'm not a machine!

Woman [whispering]:                Come on, just one more time?

The mysterious woman advances on the bed and crawls up it until she's right on top of Vaughn.

Vaughn:            Oh Syd, what's gotten into you?

Woman [licking Vaughn's earlobe]:       Mmmmm....I could just eat you up.

Vaughn:            NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He throws the woman off the bed.

Irina: [pouting]: Is that anyway to treat -

Vaughn:            My true love's estranged, psychopathic mother? Someone who slept with Khasinau!!!???

Irina:                 What can I say? The old man had some moves!

Vaughn [disgusted]:                  I wish Sydney could be here to see this...

At that exact moment, Sydney bursts in the door.

Sydney:            Vaughn! Are you alright?

Vaughn:            I wish I had a million dollars!

Both women stare at him blankly.

Vaughn [sheepishly]:                 Just checking.

Sydney:            Wait, what is my mother doing here?

Irina:                 Well, I was getting bored in custody, and your, ahem, "colleague" is hot, so I figured....

Sydney:            But, we're dating now! You can't have him! [pulls Vaughn closer] I love him, mommy! I really do!

Irina:                 Love? Interesting....

Vaughn:            Wait? You love me?! [Sydney nods] Well, in that case, I still have that cheerleader outfit in my closet if you wanna...you know....

Sydney [sexily]:            Oh, I won't need an outfit for this mission, Rrrrroaw!

Vaughn leans in to kiss Sydney's earlobe when he remembers Irina is still standing there, watching them intently with her soulless black eyes, scrutinizing their every move, calculating how to use it against them....I'll stop.

Vaughn:            Uhhh...shouldn't you be somewhere that isn't here?

Irina:                 Yes, and so should he.

Irina reaches out Vaughn's window and pulls Jack in from the bushes.

Sydney:            Dad!!!!???

Jack [brushing himself off]:                    Uhh...I was just.....you gotta hide me. Kendall's been making passes at me all day trying to get his job back.

Everyone shudders.

Irina:                 And you turned him down because you're still married to me! [tears up]

Jack:                Irina, you're leaking. You might want to -

Irina:                 KISS ME, YOU FOOL!!!

With that, Irina wraps her tentacles, I mean, arms around Jack and passionately kisses him. Vaughn and Sydney wince and turn the other way.

Jack [pulling away and gasping]:            Damn....woman...it's been....too long.

Sydney:            Umm...guys? There's a bedroom down the hall to your left.

Vaughn:            How did you know that?

Sydney [coyly]: You're not the only one who can pull a midnight break-and-enter.

Vaughn:            Hey, you're still sexier than Alice!

Sydney:            Honey, anything is.

They kiss.

Jack:                Hey! He's kissing our little girl! LEMME AT HIM!!

Irina [leading Jack towards the door]:    Have fun you two! Make us some beautiful grandchildren!

Jack closes the door. Fade to black.

Unfade to Weiss and Sark in front of a velvet curtain.

Weiss:              We hope you've enjoyed our little parody. Did it have a point? Nope! Just some good old' fashion adventures a la Bristow!

Sark:                Not that we minor characters minded being shafted for a piece of half-witted fluff that could never really happen.

Weiss:              Cut it out, buddy. I'm warning you

Sark:                I mean, honestly, Irina Derevko as the good guy? Moreover, what's with all the improbable relationships? Jack and Irina getting back together? Please! Even if he could get it up, Irina would just use him and lose him.

Weiss:              Seriously. Knock it off.

Sark:                And don't even get me started with the whole Sydney - Vaughn thing! He's such a bloody boy scout!

Weiss:              Actually -

Sark:                Like he could ever really satisfy her! The girl likes her men dark, with lots of secrets and lies involved. He tells her the truth about everything??!! What's the fun in that? Now, a man like me could really get her engine going! One night with me, that's all I'm saying. I'd have her upside down and half way to Happy Land before she could even say "You're cute but I'll pass." Pfft! I'm the type of man she really wants, deep down!

Weiss:              THAT'S IT!!!! They [punch] have [punch] a [punch] miraculous [punch punch] LOVE!!  [straightens tie] Sorry about him ladies, gentlemen, VartanHos in the back. As I was saying, I hope you enjoyed our program. Good night!

CREDITS

The Enemy Cipher Walks in and Says "Trust Me"

Directed by: Glaurificus

Produced by: Linoge

Motivational Coach: GataFairy

Promotional Consideration Provided by:

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The Magnific Catalogue of Rambaldi:    "Heretic! Burn him!"