This oneshot of fluff, silly humor (and brief steaminess) is a departure from most of my stories, which involve serious romance or angst. This oneshot is quite old, and I had to make edits because I wasn't happy with my old writing style.
Some of you may remember reading this back when I published it in 2010. If y'all could favorite it again I would appreciate that very much. And to new readers: please enjoy. :3
Double Dog Dare
It started out as an innocent enough day: a day without too much work to do and a load of time to kill. On a productive and busy period, military officers were as concise and professional as business managers. But on lazy days such as this one, they were no better than a bunch of middle school girls. Older officers huddled around their meeting tables and gossiped like old women. Subjects ranged from debating about the best wine in the country to what their cats ate and threw back up on their porches. They were that bored.
Younger soldiers engaged in heated rounds of gambling, beer-drinking contests and various pointless, silly, yet enjoyable games.
In Colonel Mustang's office, his subordinates, Lt. Colonel Hughes and Major Armstrong watched on as Havoc and Breda dissed each other in a match of "the dozens:" a battle of comebacks and insults, and particularly popular with darker-skinned officers. Their banter grew increasingly rowdy and raunchy, ending with Havoc uttering a "yo mama" joke so dirty that Fuery turned redder than a tomato.
"Hey, can we have a game where everyone can play?" Hughes finally whined. "You two have been going at it since morning. It's getting real old real fast. Let's do something fun for a change."
"How about poker? Anyone up for bets?" Roy offered.
Fuery paled. "Are you kidding me? I'm terrible with bets."
Hughes made a regretful shrug. "Sorry, old buddy," he said to Roy. "I don't have any cards on me, and I don't think anyone else does either."
"What about a drinking contest?" Havoc asked. "I think Breda might have a chance to win on that one." He smirked and elbowed his friend roughly.
"Yeah! Bring on the booze!" Breda hooted.
Riza shoved the magazine back into her gun. "Sorry, I'll pass. I don't do alcohol."
"M-me neither," Fuery quickly stammered. "I don't like to drink. I'm terrible at holding it in." He looked immensely relieved that Riza voiced out the same thought before him.
Maria and Rebecca came through the office door.
"Old man Grumman's showing off his antique collection again." Rebecca rolled her eyes. "I'm hoping that you guys are into something more interesting?"
"Actually, that's what we're trying to think of," Armstrong said. "Do any of you ladies have some decent ideas?"
As the Major was speaking, and as she laid eyes on Roy and Riza, Rebecca came up with a deviously diabolical plan. Her grin grew wider and wider the more she thought of it. She whispered her idea into Maria's ear and their eyes flickered from Roy to Riza slyly. Roy was oblivious to this; he was too busy twirling a pen between his fingers. But Riza, having finished repairing her gun, caught the glances of her friends. And she had a bad feeling about it.
Maria and Rebecca fully faced everyone in the room with disarming smiles on their faces.
"We are going to play...a game." Rebecca declared.
"A gaaaame? Really?" Sarcasm dripped from Havoc's voice as he pretended to stare blankly.
"Yes, a game," Maria replied in a singsong voice. "But not just any game." She slowly twirled in her spot, her hands swiveled at her wrists and spread her arms like a dancing gypsy. "It's a game of destiny. A game of love and hate, liiiife and deeeeath."
"Cut the crap, Maria. Just get to the point," Riza snapped.
Maria suddenly stopped dancing. "We're gonna play Truth or Dare."
Hughes snorted. "What? Sounds boring."
Rebecca smirked. "How would you like to play the adult, dirty, not so family-friendly version?"
"Count us in!" The men shouted. Almost immediately they huddled in a circle, as if they've played the game a million times before.
"Come on Hawkeye, join in!" Roy pointed to an empty space in their makeshift circle.
Riza huffed a loud, resigned sigh, and reluctantly took her place between Roy and Rebecca.
"Who wants to go first?" Maria asked.
"Oh oh, I do!" Havoc bounced in his seat. He turned to Fuery.
"Hey Kain, you wanna take truth or dare?"
Fuery visibly gulped. "Uh...I'll go with truth."
"What is the stupidest thing you've done because someone dared you to?"
Fuery flushed. "Well, when I was a kid, some guys tricked me into eating dog feces when they claimed it was chocolate."
Havoc stared. "Dude, that wasn't even funny. For a smart guy like you, that was freakin' stupid."
"You said it had to be the stupidest thing ever, right?" Fuery blushed so much that he looked like a human tomato. That was when the rest of the soldiers laughed for real.
"Okay, Fuery. It's your turn to choose now," Rebecca said.
The young soldier peered about nervously, as if afraid of imposing a dare upon higher ranked officers. Then he saw Falman, who was only a Warrant Officer.
"Falman, truth or dare?"
"Truth, I suppose."
"If Colonel Mustang was a food, what would he be and how would you eat him?"
Hughes clapped Fuery on the back and laughed obnoxiously.
Armstrong leaned forward with interest. "I'd really like to hear this one."
Falman made a thoughtful frown and finally said, "Er, I guess Colonel Mustang would be...a hot tamale of some sort."
"A hot tamale? Why? Is it because he's zesty and...sizzling hot?" Havoc's face contorted as he tried keep a straight face.
"Don't get the wrong idea, sicko!" Falman retorted. "If Colonel Mustang was a hot tamale, I'd chew for a really short time and spit it back out. Sorry if I compared you to my least favorite food, sir."
Breda nodded sagely. "I see why he'd be a hot tamale. All that Flame alchemy he's got makes him super spicy."
"And he'd taste bad because he's so full of himself," Havoc added with glee.
Roy looked as if he was going to slap someone.
Falman hastily attempted to continue the game and change the subject. "Um...Hughes, truth or dare?"
"Dare, duh! You guys call yourself soldiers? You're a bunch of sissies. Let's switch to dares, for once!"
"Sir, I dare you to...keep your family life to yourself for the rest of the week!"
Hughes' huge smile turned into a horrified gape. "No way! That is so not fair!"
Everyone in the room laughed as Hughes went around pulling at his hair and making incomprehensible noises of frustration. The game circulated until it went back to Rebecca's turn.
"Hey Colonel, you wanna take truth or dare?"
"Dare, of course." Roy looked at her with half-lidded eyes and a smug smile, as if he was capable of performing any feat she could throw at him.
"I dare you to switch ranks with me."
Roy blinked and looked disappointed. "…What kind of a dare is that?"
"Just say it!"
"Okay, fine," Roy grumbled. "From now on, I will be 2nd Lieutenant Mustang and Rebecca will be Colonel Catalina."
Rebecca made a cunning smirk. "Good, good..."
'Just what is she up to?' Riza thought with unease. 'She's got some scheme going on in her head, I know it.'
"Hawkeye, truth or dare?" Roy asked.
"Truth," she answered. That surprised no one.
"Do you find any of us in the room attractive?"
Everyone held their breath and waited in silence for Riza's answer.
"No, sir," she replied flatly. No one ever questioned her honesty. But this time some people weren't sure if it was the plain truth, or a cleverly disguised lie. Rebecca and Maria stared at Riza carefully.
The game went through another round of some more embarrassing confessions and dares of skipping some girly dances around the room. After Armstrong performed his ballet dancing dare (which shook up every body and every piece of furniture), it was Rebecca's turn again.
"Roy, truth or dare?"
"Dare. And give me a wild, ridiculous one this time."
"You want one? You got it." Rebecca grinned widely as she launched her trump card. "I dare you to...do seven minutes in heaven with Riza Hawkeye!"
"What!?" Riza's uncharacteristic cry of outrage had Maria and Rebecca in hysterics.
"You can't make me do that!" Roy exclaimed. "It's totally out of the question." He avoided looking at Riza, his face rapidly taking on an intriguing shade of red.
Rebecca was beside herself with triumphant glee. "Hey, don't forget the other dare you've agreed on. I'm the Colonel now. You're only a 2nd Lieutenant. As your superior, whatever I say is an order. I double dog dare you to do what I say."
It took Roy a moment to figure out Rebecca's master plan. Then he slapped a palm across his forehead. "This whole game was a setup! You did this so you could trick me into..." He trailed off, afraid to confirm the worst.
Roy's subordinates pumped their fists up and down as they chanted: "Make out! Make out! Make out! Make out!"
"No! Not you too!" Roy groaned.
"Come on, Roy," Hughes said with a laugh. "Everyone knows that you and Riza are like, made for each other. It's only natural that we gotta bring you two together so you could come to your senses and admit that you like the damn woman."
"Forcing two people into a closet for seven minutes isn't natural, Hughes!" Roy fumed.
Riza was too speechless with shock to protest. Then she shot a severe glare at Maria and Rebecca, the masterminds of the day.
Maria simply shrugged. "Didn't I tell you this was a game of love and destiny?"
"You don't have to rub it in," Riza growled. All of a sudden she felt her entire body being swept up by Armstrong. In his other arm was Roy, who was wildly struggling to be released.
"Oh cheer up, you two," Armstrong said jovially. He hauled both of them to a separate storage room in Roy's office. "You have to play by the rules. And I have to say that it's quite an enjoyable game, no?"
Roy and Riza were pushed into the storage room half filled with ammunition boxes and spare firearms. They heard the door thump as Armstrong reinforced it by leaning his entire body against the opposite side.
Hughes' muffled voice could be heard. "Hey Roy! If you use your tongue, we might let you out a minute early!"
"Hey Hughes! Shut the hell up!"
Roy was greeted by raucous laughter from his best friend. Riza winced as Roy's shout blasted through her ear. There really wasn't much room to move around. The narrow space forced both of their bodies to invade each other's personal bubbles. Every time Riza moved, her arm or leg would brush against Roy's body. The dim light didn't help either; she could only make out Roy's silhouette and a few of his facial features. She didn't need any more light to see that he was seriously pissed.
Riza let out a sigh of resignation. "It can't be helped, sir…I can hear all of them huddling around the door."
"We're hearing your every move!" Rebecca called. "And we're not letting you out until you cooperate!"
"If you do that, we'll excuse your lie, Riza," Maria added playfully.
Roy looked down at his most trusted subordinate with surprise. "Is this true, Lieutenant? Were you telling the truth, or were you..."
Riza was grateful for the darkness that masked her maddening blush. 'Damn Maria, damn Rebecca, damn their manipulative, mind-reading, dirty-'
"Sir, I…I hadn't been honest," she admitted sheepishly. "I might find you to be…pleasing to the eyes."
Muffled gasps, whoops and squeals could be heard from the other side.
"Damn it," Riza muttered. "I wish I had my guns handy so I could shoot this door down..."
"That wouldn't be any good. You'd shoot the Major."
"If I had my gloves with me, I'd blast this door away with my left hand."
Riza shook her head. Or tried to. "That's even worse, sir. Even if you fired off a small, precise spark with your left hand, the gunpowder all around this room would obliterate the both of us."
The two stood in their places, stumped and defeated.
Roy groaned. "This is one hell of a tight situation. Literally. We're never getting out of here."
"Not if we..." Riza found herself blushing again at the thought. She nervously licked her dry lips and looked away. Why the hell not? At least she and the Colonel were locked away. No one would see them do it.
Roy finally caught the expression on her face, and he thought it was the sexiest, cutest thing he has ever seen in his normally stoic Lieutenant. Then he saw her face shift into open mouthed, mortified shock.
'Oh shit...did I just say that out loud? Now she's gonna freakin' kill-'
Before he knew it, Riza's hands pulled at his face and brought him even closer to her. And then her mouth made contact with his.
Roy felt the impact of Riza's kiss slam through his body. He made a sound of surprised pleasure as her lips broke off and overlapped his own in continuous, rigorous tides of passion. Roy never would've expected this from her. The ability to kiss passionately was the last thing he would even expect to include in her long list of talents and capabilities. And yet he gladly took it with open arms. Literally. One arm wound tightly about her waist and gripped her broad hip tightly. His other hand grappled for Riza's hair clip and freed it from the back of her head. The soft, blond tresses of her hair spilled into Roy's open palm, and he eagerly ran his fingers through it. The way he massaged the back of her head synced with the movement of his lips pressing against hers. Roy was becoming more and more aroused with each second. He felt his abdomen tighten as his teeth scraped against hers. With his tongue he teased her mouth open. He heard her shocked intake of breath, and a whimper that escaped her throat as their tongues touched.
"I knew it!" Hughes hooted. "He Frenched her! I'd know that sound from anywhere!"
Hearing Riza whimper threw Roy over the edge. He pinned her against the wall and propped up one of her legs so that it flanked his waist. He broke apart from her lips to catch his breath. Riza's soft moan of disappointment turned into lustful pleasure as Roy's lips fluttered all about her face, her nose, her forehead, her chin and back home to her mouth again. Their lips continued to brush against each other in a flurry as Riza worked to undo Roy's uniform. Even when gripped by tender passion, her fingers worked flawlessly and deftly to unbutton the stiff, blue fabric. Roy murmured sounds of content as her hands roamed over his bare, well built chest.
Now Roy knew why it was called seven minutes in heaven. It was a blissful, perfect paradise where he yearned indulge in it forever and ever. He didn't want this to stop, not ever. Riza certainly didn't look like she wanted to relent either. But the limits of time and reality can be very, very cruel things.
"Roy! Riza! Your seven minutes are over!" Rebecca called.
Roy and Riza finally broke apart with a breathy gasp. They sucked in and blew out air with weary, hungry pants. Riza put a hand over her tingling lips and hastily fumbled for her hair clip. Roy bit back a curse of frustration as his fingers fumbled to readjust his uniform. Their eyes squinted from the bright light as Armstrong opened the storage door.
Hughes smirked as he helped the two out of the room. "From all the noises you were making, we thought you two were gonna eat each other!"
Everyone took in Roy and Riza's appearances in amusement. Roy's uniform was halfway unbuttoned, Riza's hair loose and disheveled. Both looked red in the face as they attempted to patch themselves back up.
"Sooo? How did you like your little slice of heaven?" Maria eagerly inquired.
"I will never, ever, play games with you guys again. Even if it gets me court-martialed," Riza mumbled.
Roy turned to Rebecca with a disgruntled scowl. "Can I have my rank back now?"
"Sure," she replied brightly. She glanced between the couple, making no effort to hide her triumph. "My work here is done."