Now, before you get into the chapter, I need to tell you something.
This isn't a regular update. This is something...extra, if you will. A bonus.
The story goes like so: Pausing The Flow was added to a community, I wrote an omake to celebrate said adding to community, and uploaded it to the series of one-shots that I haven't updated in forever because that's not important. Now, about a month later, I come to the realisation that that was pretty stupid. It's an addition to this story, so that means it'll only make sense to people who read this story.
So, to rectify my screw up, and I suppose to celebrate the reaching of 100 reviews, have an omake that focuses on my favourite genre to write. Obviously, considering the fact that this has been uploaded elsewhere, this will most likely be familiar to some people. For you, I apologise. I'll get an actual chapter out when I can; a rather personal matter has been taking much of my time recently, one of which is far more important than a hobby such as this.
Disclaimer: I didn't own Teen Titans when I wrote this about a month ago, and I don't own them now. You'll get over it, I'm sure.
Omake I - Life Lessons
"Is there any reason I have to be here?"
"Larry." Mento sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between finger and thumb as the air left his mouth. "I've already told you. This job is about as important as they come. You're doing it, end of discussion."
"Cliff has this covered." Negative Man pointed out, gesturing towards an unusually happy Robot Man, "and besides, I really don't want to do this."
"You really don't have to do this!" Beast Boy called from the couch, his eyes darting around the room as though looking for an option for escape. Despite the obviously copious amount of nervousness in his voice, Beast Boy's body remained completely still, invisible psychic energy robbing him of all desired movement.
"You're going to be sitting in to make sure everything goes according to plan." Mento replied, completely ignoring Beast Boy as he began making his way to the door.
"Mento?" Beast Boy tried, his attempt going unanswered as Mento reached for the door handle. Cursing lightly under his breath, he extinguished the spark of panic that had ignited within his chest, his unresponsive body being coated in the beginning of a fine layer of sweat.
If Mento walked out that door, he was going to be taking every single hope that Beast Boy had of freedom with him.
Beast Boy couldn't let that happen. There was too much at stake here.
He would have to play every single card he had if he was to get out this situation.
"Uh, sir?" Beast Boy ventured, the telepath pausing briefly in the doorway. Mustering up the most pathetic, wounded, disarming voice possible, Beast Boy widened his eyes as far as he could, droplets of water beginning to materialise in the corners.
'Face, don't fail me now.'
"Do I really have to listen to this?"
Mento turned his back to the door, silently regarding the green boy in front of him. Sweeping his eyes over Beast Boy's pleading face, he scowled slightly, his features stony in their resolve.
"I'm sorry Beast Boy, but yes. Yes you do."
The pitiful expression on Beast Boy's face wavered ever so slightly, disbelief flashing within his enlarged eyes.
His trump card, beaten so thoroughly and effortlessly. All within two mere sentences.
The water had begun to cascade down Beast Boy's cheeks, the amount of hurt on his face enough to make Trigon himself feel guilty. At this point, even he wasn't sure if the tears were real of not.
'I have to get out of here! Come on, think! If the face didn't work, what will?'
"But…but why?" Beast Boy gasped as though he'd been shot through the chest, adding a gaping jaw into the mix for bonus points.
He needed to stall, give himself enough time to come up with an alternative escape plan.
How he planned on playing a telepath was anyone's guess.
Mento brought his forehead to the cold metal beside him, his helmet thudding slightly at he made contact.
"The couch." He almost whispered, quiet enough to make everyone capable of movement lean forward slightly. Turning away, he laid a hand against the wall, his shoulders visibly shaking. He had begun talking quietly to himself, staggering towards the door like a wounded animal.
"Rita's wrath…so uncomfortable…spent a fortune on that thing…always waking up with a sore back… never displease the wife…"
The three males watched silently as their fearless leader stumbled out of the room, babbling nonsense the entire way. As soon as the metallic passageway had sealed behind Mento, loud sobs echoed from beyond the portal, footsteps growing gradually fainter.
"So." Robot Man clapped his hands together, completely ignoring the sound of a faucet being turned in the background, "shall we begin?"
Beast Boy groaned lightly, Negative Man offering a sympathetic pat on the shoulder as Robot Man produced a whiteboard and marker pen seemingly out of thin air.
(An hour later)
'Mento, I'm going to cockblock you so badly when this is over.'
"Now." Robot Man said with a grin, laying the marker pen down beside him as he began gesturing towards the board. "I trust that after that, you've got the basics of sex down, yes?"
Beast Boy gave a non-committal grunt, his bloodshot eyes focused intently on the floor between the couch and the board. Never before had he wished he could kill himself with a thought, but thirty whole minutes of being forced to gaze at sketches of phalluses far too detailed to have been drawn by a beginner had almost made him change his mind.
His eyes absently traveled to the still form of Negative Man, the apathetic superhero having remained completely silent for the entirety of the time they had been in the room. From what Beast Boy had seen from the corner of his eye, Negative Man had pretended to hang himself with his bandages a quarter of the way through the anatomy lesson, having not so much as twitched from that moment on.
Was he still breathing?
"Right!" Robot Man clapped his hand together, the gong like sound bringing Beast Boy's attention back to him. Negative Man spasm slightly at the sudden noise, the only proof of life that anyone had seen in a while from the quiet individual.
"Now that you know the science behind baby making." Robot Man waved his hand in the direction of the board, specifically the expertly drawn sexual organs, "it's time to teach you about women!"
"Great." Beast Boy grumbled, his eyes narrowing slightly. He'd given up telling Robot Man he already knew all he needed of the subject over an hour ago.
He'd come back through time to save his friends. He wasn't interested in 'hooking up' with anyone, as Robot Man had so eloquently put it.
Maybe after he'd defeated the Brotherhood of Evil, he'd test the relationship waters. Until then, he was a man on a mission.
It also helped that he had already been given the talk by his birth parents, but nobody seemed to care about that.
"It is great!" Robot Man grinned, happy that his pupil had learned something. "Now, back when I had a human body, I was quite the ladies man. As such, I know everything there is to know on this subject."
"Excellent! Now, where to begin…" Robot Man sat opposite Beast Boy, tapping his chin with the marker pen that Beast Boy still didn't know the origins of. "Let's see, I know that women are very sensitive, OK? Very emotional. They're kind, they're nurturing, they're… they're beautiful, ain't they?"
Beast Boy gave another grunt in response, having already decided that the roof was more interesting than his 'lesson'.
Robot Man nodded sagely, rubbing his chin as his eyes closed. "And every single one of them is full of shit."
"What!?" Negative Man spluttered, speaking for the first time as he sat bolt upright. Beside him, Beast Boy's eyes had snapped back down to his 'teacher', his eyebrows almost disappearing into his hair.
"They're full of shit." Robot Man repeated, oblivious to the stares he was receiving. "They don't want you to talk to them. They don't want you to listen to them. They want you to agree with them. And if you don't they'll just keep talking and talking and talking until you do. It's not a conversation, it's erosion. They will talk and talk, ask again, rephrase, wait three days, bring it up one more time until you finally just go 'Fine! You know what honey just do whatever the hell you wanna do!' Then she'll look at you and say 'I'm glad we talked about it.'"
Beast Boy and Negative Man shared a glance as Robot Man continued unimpeded, nothing having the capability of stopping him from imparting his 'wisdom'.
(Ten minutes later)
"Now, getting a girlfriend. Let's see now…right. Getting a girlfriend is like joining the army. You get a haircut, new clothes and all the information is handed to you on a need to know basis. Also, they don't like you sleeping. I don't know what it is, but something about a sleeping man drives women nuts! I don't know what it is but they just go crazy! Oh yeah, and if your lady friend ever says the words 'I was thinking', you're either going to have to move, paint or buy something."
Robot Man nodded at his own words, Beast Boy having lost since stopped listening.
(An hour later)
"Marriage was a woman's idea, I figured that out. There was no caveman going 'I only have sex with you. It no work out? Take half my stuff'. There is tremendous social pressure to be married. Society wants you to be married, married people want you to be married. It's an emotion pyramid scheme, I guess they figured 'I'm not happy with my life, if I can get two other people…'"
(Several hours later)
"No matter what my young friend, you want your lady happy. Their happiness should be very important to you. Because when they're happy, they let you touch them. Sex is important to guys; we need stories to tell our friends, and men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquest. You should hear some of the ego driven lies I've heard, let me tell you…"
(Later that night, possibly the next morning)
"Well, I think that about covers it. You have anything to add, Larry?" Robot Man questioned, turning to his teammate. Receiving a wordless shake of Negative Man's head, Robot Man placed a hand on Beast Boy's shoulder, the green teenager staring at him warily through barely open eyes.
"The wonders of women." Robot Man began, briefly tightening his grip on Beast Boy as he nodded seriously. "You may be too young to embrace them now, but one day. Maybe not anytime soon, but eventually you will experience the greatness."
Receiving nothing in reply, Robot Man bowed slightly, patting Beast Boy once on the back as he stood up. Walking towards the door, he waved to them once, before his bulky frame disappeared around the corner.
"I'm sorry." Negative Man broke the silence after a few moments, the expressionless bandages tilted slightly towards Beast Boy as he spoke. "Neither of us should have had to sit through that."
"He's lucky he doesn't have testicles anymore." Beast Boy said suddenly, Negative Man's head snapping up faster than the naked eye could follow. "Because if he did he'd probably be kicked in them every day."
Negative Man chuckled lightly as he rose from the couch, Beast Boy mirroring his movements. Mento must have taken his helmet off before he fell asleep; the psychic energy that had tethered Beast Boy to the furniture had subsided at some point that night.
"I guess there's no need to tell you that you should probably disregard everything you heard tonight?" Negative Man inquired, eliciting a loud crack from his neck as he tilted his head.
"Done." Beast Boy replied, one hand stifling a yawn as the other reached for the door handle.
I'm considering writing one of these for every hundred reviews. Thoughts?
Also, special shout out to McDiggity for being the hundredth reviewer! If you like drama fics, he's currently got two stories in the works that are pretty good. Honestly, I can think of maybe a handful of authors that I've seen on this website truly deserving of reviews, and he's one of them. Maybe that's just my opinion, but he's still worth checking out.
Alright, I got stuff to do. Till next (actual) chapter, my glorious X-Dressers!