Disclaimer: Owned + by me = NOTHING! Well, I own the plot and Mittens. But that's it.
I don't know what hit me. I just haven't written a short funny in ages and I need something to remove that most evil of disease… WRITERS BLOCK! MAY IT ROT IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!
Ok, I'm done.The most evil plot of Lord Voldemort
Wormtail a.k.a Peter Pettigrew looked with fear upon his master's newest Deatheater.
And when I say fear, I obviously mean utter confusion.
"Well, Wormtail? Is He not magnificent?" Voldemort asked, watching proudly at the loyal servant.
"A… A kitten my lord?"
"Exactly. He will be my most loyal Deatheater, ready to devour the leftovers of Harry Potter when I am through with him."
"You mean despite the fact that he has already escaped you three times?"
There was silence while the fluffy black kitten chased Wormtail's shoelaces.
"What do you want?"
"Erm… I understand, my lord, that you are a genius, but…"
"Do you really think that Mittens is the sort of name that drives fear into the enemy's heart?"
Voldemort flew from his throne onto the floor where he scooped up Mittens.
"Really, Wormtail, you have no sense whatsoever. Of course Mittens will frighten my enemy. Can you suggest a better name?"
"Well… Muggle-slasher, or Crusher might be a little more affective my Lord."
Voldemort patted Mittens head thoughtfully
"No… I don't think so Peter. Anyway, Mittens already knows her name, doesn't she my wittle cuddles?" He cooed to the cat.
Peter sighed. It was going to be a long day
Harry yawned. Transfiguration last thing on a Friday was really the most uninteresting thing in the world. Hermione glared at him, which he took as a signal to sit up. Ron was gazing out of the window in a kind of stupor. A swift kick from Hermione was enough to stop that. Professor Mcgonagall glared at them.
"Homework is a 2 foot parchment essay on the history of the Transmogrification theory with examples. And, Mr Weasley, your letters must be less than one centimetre tall. By the end of your last essay, they were nearly two inches high." She turned away. Hermione turned to Ron
"Ron, you really should try harder in class!"
"Ron! Honestly, you don't have a clue do you?"
"Well…" Ron shrugged as they headed to the hall for dinner. Harry stopped listening to their bickering. As he started to eat his Goulash, he couldn't help but look out of the window in hope of seeing Hedwig returning from Sirius.
Sirius had been travelling Britain, trying to find people who would join Dumbledore's plight against evil. Harry couldn't really understand Dumbledore's plan. He remembered the day when he had explained it to them…
"We're going to do nothing?" Harry said in disbelief. Dumbledore nodded
"Correct. That is the last thing Voldemort will expect."
"Harry, I know what I am doing. Run along now." Dumbledore turned away and started to examine a muggle ink pen that Snape had somehow managed to confiscate.
"Harry… earth to Harry… HARRY JAMES BOY-WHO-LIVED-POTTER!"
Harry jumped, as Ron screamed down his ear.
"Just making you were still here." Hermione looked up at the two of them.
"Have you done your homework?"
"Hermione! It's last thing on a Friday!"
"And if you plan to go to Hogsmeade tomorrow, I suggest you get a move on!" Ron leant forward
"Hermione, you do know there's been a recent, amazing discovery?"
"And what would that be?"
"SUNDAY!" Ron said loudly. Hermione rolled her eyes.
Hermione walked alongside Ron and Harry as they went into Hogsmeade. Despite her struggles their homework lay unfinished in their dorms. As they arrived at the village Harry gasped as he saw an army of Deatheaters parading towards them. Ron whispered in his ear
"Harry… What's wrong with them? They look almost…"
"Bored!" Hermione finished. The Deatheaters were slouching as they walked. They stopped in front of the three and Voldemort emerged from them.
"Ah ha! Harry Potter, so we finally meet."
"We've met before." Harry pointed out. Voldemort glared and said
"Honestly, you have no sense of occasion! Anyway, prepare to meet your death!"
"Again?" Hermione asked. He looked at her
"Oh, it's you. Still trying to beat my school record are you?"
"Actually, I already have." Hermione said, holding up a scroll.
"What?! Nuh uh!" Voldemort snatched it began to read it hastily. Ron looked over at Hermione.
"You carry that list of scores around with you?"
"Yes, it happens to be something of a conversation point, I'll have you know!" she replied sniffily. Ron snorted
"With who?" Hermione looked sheepish
Peter Pettigrew stepped forward to his master.
"My Lord, remember that we are here to destroy Harry Potter, not argue over exam, scores."
"But, Peter, look at this! It's ridiculous! They don't even have to spend a night in the Forbidden Forest to pass Care of Magical Creatures anymore!"
"Yes, Dumbledore passed that law in 1952 after several students were lost for a month before being found."
"School just isn't what it used to be." Voldemort complained. Hermione nodded
"I know! It's so easy! I mean, in Arithmancy they've taken the 1365 spelling changes off the Syllabus!"
"No!" Voldemort said, shocked.
"It's insane!" Hermione complained. Voldemort looked sad
"It's ridiculous isn't it? I mean they're just not as fussed about education anymore."
"I know, it's so sad." Hermione replied understandingly.
"Um, Hermione? That is Voldemort." Ron said. Hermione looked around at him
"Oh, yes. Well, carry on." Harry looked at her
"Thankyou. Anyway, Voldemort, I really want to get to Honeydukes before it gets too crowded, so could we make this quick?"
"Oh, certainly. Where was I? Oh, yes. Prepare to meet your doom Harry Potter!" Voldemort said dramatically. Harry looked around at Ron and Hermione.
"What shall I do?"
"Just act along Harry." Hermione advised. He nodded and turned back
"Oh no! It's Lord Voldemort! Whatever shall I do?" he said in a ridiculously fake voice. Voldemort grinned evilly.
"Prepare, Harry Potter. I'm now going to make you face my newest Deatheater. You shall cower in his wake!"
Hermione looked at the nearest Deatheater who hurried forward and whispered
"Please excuse him, He's not been verbs well recently. Pretend to be afraid and we'll do better next time."
They nodded uncertainly. Voldemort turned to them and reached into his robes
"Now, you shall face…. MITTENS!"
There was a stunned silence as he drew out the kitten and placed it at their feet. Mittens stared up at them and meowed. Harry looked up at Voldemort's triumphant face and the Deatheaters embarrassed complexions. He glanced at Ron and Hermione who shrugged. Hermione bent down to examine the cat.
"Is he not magnificent? He is vicious and as destructive as a hurricane!" Voldemort thundered.
The 'vicious' hurricane-like cat was in the mean time, chasing an ant. Hermione picked him up and the cat chewed at the black ribbon tied around its neck in a pretty bow.
"He's so cute!" Hermione cried, hugging Mittens. Voldemort frowned
"He is not cute! He is dangerous." The 'dangerous' kitten proceeded to lick Hermione's nose. Voldemort strode over to her and snatched the kitten away.
"Do not corrupt him!" Voldemort cried. Harry and Ron were in fits of laughter.
"Mittens the Kitten?" Harry choked.
"What's next? Honey the Bunny?" Ron guffawed.
"Or Hunkey the Monkey?"
"No, it'll be Herm the Worm!" Harry cried aloud. The two fell onto the ground snorting with laughter. Hermione, who had seen Voldemort's face, kicked them
"Stop it! You're making him cry."
They looked up to see Voldemort's lips wobbling as tears threatened him
"Wormtail… t-t-t-t-they're making fun of me." he burbled. Wormtail passed him a hanky. Hermione patted him on the back
"It's alright, Voldemort. They're just too inconsiderate to appreciate your wit. Don't worry, it's ok."
"Yes! You go back to your evil layer and let your Deatheaters help you clean up a bit. Why not relax for a bit with some nice Arithmancy problems. Then, when you're feeling a bit more up to it, you can come back and kill us. Hmm?"
Voldemort wiped his nose
"Yes… that sounds good. Wormtail?"
"Go into that shop and buy these things." He whispered a list to the shorter man. Who looked strangely disturbed as he went into the shop.
When he came back he was clutching a number of things. First of all a packet of chocolates, which Voldemort passed to Hermione saying
"Thankyou! I'll come back later, ok?"
"Absolutely! It's all a matter of confidence!" Hermione said. Next there was a large bottle of poison, which was passed to Harry. Voldemort glared at him
"That'll keep you going until I come back to kill you."
"Alright…" Harry said. Ron looked hopeful. Voldemort passed him
"A bottle of ink?" Ron asked. Voldemort nodded
"So you can finish your homework off."
He reached into the bag and pulled out a large fluffy teddy bear. With strange looks from the Deatheaters he said
"What? Wormtail put mine in the wash, and now Booboo doesn't feel right." All the present company snorted in laughter.
Voldemort turned to his Deatheaters
"Let's go. The Weakest Link is on telly, and I've got a lucky feeling about this one." And with a large pop the Deatheaters disapparated from Hogsmeade. Hermione turned to Harry.
"Really, Harry, I don't know what all the fuss is about. He seemed perfectly nice to me." she pooped a chocolate into her mouth. Ron was sulkily putting the ink into his bag.
"Well, I must say, that was his most pathetic attempt on my life yet!" Harry said.
"Yeah, what was that kitten going to do? Paw you to death?" Ron laughed. Hermione rolled her eyes
"You disappoint me, you two! You don't have a single compassionate feeling in your entire bodies! And He's read Hogwarts: A history!"
Hermione stalked away, leaving the other two feeling slightly miffed.
In Lord Voldemort's evil lair the sound of evil laughter rang through the corridors.
"I can't believe he didn't know what the number of degrees in a triangle are!" Voldemort chortled. He was sitting on his throne, in a black dressing gown, printed with little Dark Marks. On one knee sat Mittens, on the other sat Booboo the teddy bear. Wormtail sat on a small chair next to him, watching the television with a huge amount of boredom. As Voldemort shouted out another answer he sighed.
"I should have been Ministry worker."
And as we leave the scene, one can hear Voldemorts voice shouting
"It's 1913 you great ugly Prat! 1913 I tell you! Oh, come on, it's not exactly challenging is it? You idiot! You utter prat!"
Daily Prophet Issue 56743
VOLDEMORT SPOTTED IN HOSGSMEADE!
BY RITA SKEETER.
According to eye witnesses our very own resident evil lord, Lord Voldemort was spotted in the small village of Hogsmeade yesterday afternoon.
Apparently Lord Voldemort was challenging Harry Potter to face his doom. Harry Potter's best friends, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley were with him at the time. One person claimed that a terrible battle ensued. That particular witness is currently being held in St. Mungo's hospital. According to the accounts of everyone else who claimed to be present Lord Voldemort produced a small black Kitten whom Lord Voldemort told to attack Harry Potter. Apparently nothing evil actually happened, although there seems to be some reason to believe that Hermione Granger is meeting Voldemort for Coffee next week, while discussing a particularly puzzling Arithmancy problem. I'll be back with more news on this account later.
Well that was… amusing? Ah well. Just review.