Author's Notes: I own nothing. NOTHING!!! I'm just a very pathetic person with no life whatsoever. Review, praise, criticize, flame, boil, fry, dance on, eat, copy, do whatever you want to this story. Just don't take it too seriously.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. A phenomenal movie that scored over four hundred million dollars on its opening release. A film that was nominated for a whopping 13 Oscars, including Best Film and Best Director. A masterpiece that was number one in the hearts of millions. 'Twas most arduously made, beautiful motion picture that ever was played on tape. An unleashed secret that stirred the imaginations and unburied a hidden passion for Tolkien's ingenious literature worldwide.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowhsip of the Ring. A stroke of perfection. A gift from God. A blessing. A classic.

A movie that is acclaimed worldwide in a bazillion different languages. A movie that is interpreted as the absolute peak of filmmaking ever. A movie that is wanted.

And exactly why is such a magnificent accomplishment wanted?

Because as I stepped out of the movie theater on the night of December 30, 2002, I knew that this movie had already stolen my heart.


It was a fine Saturday morning. I awoke and rubbed my eyes sleepily and looked at the time. 8: 45 AM, my alarm clock read. I wrapped on a comfy robe and slipped on my furry blue slippers. The birds were chirping brightly and the sun shone merrily against the cloudless blue sky. I smiled. What a perfect day!

I then bolted downstairs, grabbed my Lord of the Rings DVD, popped it in the machine and sat promptly on my backside two feet from the television screen.

For three magical hours, I didn't move more than an inch (bathroom breaks don't count!) as I squatted on the carpet, eyes pasted to the screen. I was a moth, and the movie was a lantern. I don't think I even blinked. I whispered every line, including the esoteric Orc battle cries and Arwen's un-understandable Elvish. I screamed at the cave troll, laughed at Pippin's comical remarks and became Niagara Falls when Boromir died. Anyhow, when the credits began rolling, I released a satisfied sigh, just as I had done exactly the same way 47 times before.

It was almost noon, so I decided to make myself a quick brunch. After loading two pieces of buttered bread, some apple juice and a slice of leftover chocolate cake on the tray, I quickly seated myself in front of the wondrous TV screen and became absorbed in the special features. I laughed at Aragorn's dirty hair and 'oooh!'ed at the Nazgul behind-the- scenes.

I was a complete addict to Lord of the Rings.

The afternoon flew by. Never mind the college essays and that French project waiting for me on the coffee table. Never mind the 14 messages beeping on the phone. I spent my whole day either devouring at the books like some kind of deformed vulture or on my rump, ruining my eyes completely while watching my favorite scenes over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

(5 minutes later)

and over and over and over again.

I went to bed that night at around midnight. As I laid awake under the cool cover of my down comforter, I couldn't help but grin like an idiot. Tolkien's world was just so perfect! And the movie, a stroke of sheer brilliance. But that night, there was only one thing on my shallow mind.

Legolas Greenleaf, Elven Prince of Mirkwood.

I whispered the title out loud in the dark and shivers crept down my back. God, he was just SO entirely perfect! The hair, for one thing. It was like a veil of pure undefiled gold swept like a sash on those beautiful shoulders. And his eyes! Oh, they were so azure, so deep, so wondrously filled with wisdom. He had the body of a god, too. Those muscular, perfectly shaped legs and smooth arm muscles made my legs morph into Jell- O. I still refused to believe that Orlando Bloom had played Legolas in the movie. The guy was hot, of course, but Legolas was too BEAUTIFUL to be imitated by some gooney who liked jumping out of airplanes with a Mohawk. He was just too absolutely stunningly attractive. Such perfection couldn't be real, I concluded. That was the last thought on my mind before I dozed off.

I had a really queer dream. At first, an image of a golden watch appeared. It was a very pretty watch, dangling on a silver chain with Roman Numerals inscribed on the edges. I could hear it ticking merrily. But then the ticking stopped quite abruptly. A hand reached out and turned the knob on the back backwards, and the little golden arrows on the face whirled quickly. I felt dizzy. Then, the watch disappeared entirely. The next picture was of beautiful Legolas, but he looked different. I couldn't pinpoint it, though. I somehow leaned to get a closer look, when I tripped over something and fell into nothingness.

And then, I dreamed of the math exam taken only a week ago before I had arrived home for spring break. I saw Mr. Pontly, my professor. He held up a paper with countless red marks strewn all across it. The paper had my name on it, and on the upper right corner was a big fat E. I heard him talking, and I made out that I was going to fail college forever and that I'd wind up on the streets as a pathetic beggar, with no future whatsoever.

I woke up, sweating like a sow. Tears streamed down my reddened cheeks. A sudden coldness struck me and I opened my eyes, only to meet a blinding light. I quickly shut them. Instinctively, I reached out to my left side for Teddykins, a ragged teddy bear I'd possessed since I was three. I didn't feel his soft fur. So I screamed. Pretty loudly.

"ARGH!! TEDDYKINS!!!!!!!! Where are you?"

I opened my eyes now, and all around me was-


My fingers touched it. I looked down and saw that I was still in my pajamas with the flying pigs, but I was lying on top of snow and my entire back was absolutely FREEZING. There was no comforter, no mattress, no Teddykins. Quickly, I stood up, brushed the snow off me and looked around. In the distance, there were some trees far away, but other than that, all I could see was the snow pouring from the sky overhead and grey haze everywhere. I couldn't even make out a horizon. Everything was grey.

"Oh, my goodness," I whispered. I blinked.

"Oh, my goodness," I repeated. It was the only phrase that could come out of that hole under my nose on my head.

"Ohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodness!!!" I wailed, sounding like a broken CD player.

The snow was really biting me. I stuck my freezing hands under my armpits and stood there, feeling really stupid and internally panicking about the loss of Teddykins. Then I remembered that I needed to get moving, so I started running around in a circle to get the blood pumping. I started doing the hokey-pokey, when something a few feet away popped out of the snow.

It was a head of yellow hair matted with snow, and bright blue eyes with very pretty dark eyelashes crusted with white snowflakes were looking at me with a weirded-out expression. I stopped doing the dance immediately and pointed at the rising head with my index finger.

"ARGH!!!!!" I screamed crazily. "HOLY SH-"

"Hush!" The dude with the yellow hair exclaimed. I hushed.

"Why?" I whispered as he slowly crawled out of the snow. But he didn't answer, because not a yard from me, another head popped out of the snow. The dude with the yellow hair immediately ran over and helped the other dude (he had white hair) out.

"What's going on?" I demanded. The old dude with the white hair looked at me, and a curious expression grazed his face for a second before ANOTHER head popped out of the snow, sputtering and coughing and once again I was abandoned. And then it hit me.

"Oh, my goodness!!!!!" I squealed. "I'M IN MIDDLE-EARTH!!!!! OH MY GOD! YOU'RE LEGOLAS!" I pointed at him excitedly, jumping up and down. He didn't even turn around. "AND YOU'RE GANDALF!!! " The old guy ignored me, too. I kept going at it anyway.

"OH GOODNESS!!!! I'M REALLY IN MIDDLE-EARTH!! Cool!!! Where's Elrond??? I wanna see if he's wearing a WIG!!! OH GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW! AND YOU'RE THE FELLOWSHIPPERS!!!"

A few minutes later, my throat was getting incredibly sore and I was already tired from jumping up and down, so I just watched as the 8 snow- free members of the Fellowship helped a very vexed Gimli out of the snow. Aragorn and Legolas hauled him out, and he was holding something brown and ragged and really really really familiar.

"TEDDYKINS!!" I jumped up suddenly, ran and quickly snatched my precious bear from the dwarf's grubby fingers. He gave a little yelp of surprise.

"Oh, I've missed you so much!" I happily cried and planted a big kiss on his button nose and hugged him tightly. I then noticed the silence and looked around. All 9 Fellowship-pers were gaping at me like I was some kind of raving lunatic (which of course I was not).

"You-you're still here. Who-who are you, anyway?" Legolas finally broke the silence. "Are you in league with Sauron? What is that thing in your hands?"

I gasped and drew Teddykins closer. "He's not a THING! He's Teddykins!" I cried tenaciously.

"Teddykins?" Pippin piped, elaborating too much on the 'DEE' part. All wrong.

"Repeat after me. Teddykins. TEH. Dee. Kin. Es." I elaborated.

The Fellowship just stared at me some more. I noticed Gandalf looking my flying pig pajamas and my blue slippers and at Teddykins. He still wore a confused expression. Meanwhile, I was getting really cold.

"Hey look, y'all, my butt's going to fall off any second from the cold. So let's like, MOVE AWAY." I make ushering gestures with my hands.

"Yes," Gandalf said, still staring at my un-Middle-Earth-ish attire. Out of nowhere, he pointed to a little cave about 50 yards from where we were all standing.

"Good navigational skills, old chap!" I gave him a pat on the back. He made a weird nasal sound.

"Let us rest for the night. Come, uh, uh, I honestly don't know your name," the wizard said after recovering from his Highly Unusual Moment of Nasal Sounds.

"Margaret," I said. "But you can call me Evelyinnianillynwenladiral! I've always liked that name."

Gandalf just sighed.

I knew it wasn't in the script, but I was secretly very happy as Gandalf led the Fellowship to the cozy cave, even though everyone in the Fellowship kept giving me these pitiful, scared looks. I followed them happily, clutching Teddykins.

I was definitely on Middle-Earth. With the love of my life, Legolas Greenleaf.


"Okay. So we're all here." I announced happily. There was no response. Instead, nine pairs of very confused eyes stared back at me. The Fellowship sat in a U with me closing the circle. I felt very important, like an Indian Chief. But that silence was really getting to me. The little fire Gandalf conjured cackled merrily.

"Er, yeah. So you want me to explain."

Silence. Man, one day I was going to get a hammer and smash silence to little itty bitty pieces.

"Okay fine, my name is Margaret, but I wanna be called Evelyinnianillynwenladiral. Evelyn, if it's too complicated for your feeble minds. You know, I've always liked that name. Why didn't my mother name me Evenlyn except for Margaret? Margaret sounds like some sort of earthworm or something, now that I think of it. It's so weird!! Seriously, it's the WORST na-"

Gimli coughed.

I gave him my chilliest glare (which wasn't really that chilly, because I personally felt sorry for the non-loved Gimli).

"Well, as I was SAYING, I had a dream last night, and there was a gold watch, and then I dreamed I failed a math test and then I woke up all sad and stuff on some snow. And then I saw Legolas, and he told me to shut up, and then he dug all y'alls out. And then Gimli stole Teddykins, so I grabbed it from him. And then now you all think I'm a lunatic, but that's okay, because your minds aren't functioning correctly. Anyway, I dunno why I'm here, but I'm happy because I love you all! Especially you, Legolas. I'm not bad or anything. Sauron is an ugly git, and Saruman looks like my sister. I come from Earth."

I parted my fingers to make the 'peace' sign to conclude my life story.

"Earth?" Aragorn said, raising an eyebrow.

I sighed and waved my hand. "It's too difficult to explain. It's this weird place. And I was watching you guys in the movie the day it all happened, too, so that probably had to do with why I'm in Middle-Earth."

"Wait, what is a moovee??" the Ranger asked. He sounded like a cow.

"It's a thingy on a screen that you watch."

"I do not understand, but 'tis not important. So you say this moovee brought you to Middle-Earth. What moovee was it?"

(God, he really belonged on a farm.)

"Well, DUH!" I rolled my eyes. "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring! Like, the greatest movie alive! And I know everything that happens, cuz I've read the books too. You guys separate later on, and Boromir, you die, and Gandalf, you're going to fall into a pit with a demon that resembles a mountain goat, and Fro-"

"Wait," Boromir interrupted. "I die??"

"Yup. Three arrows."


"Hey, you get to meet your daddy later."


"Yep. He dies too. He's like, insane."

Boromir glared at me.

Gandalf quickly changed the subject. "Evelyn," he said somewhat uncertainly, "There was to be a reason for you to be - here."

I shrugged. "Dunno."

The old wizard sighed. "What do we do with her?" He turned to the Fellowship. "We obviously cannot leave her here to die."

"Take her," Sam suggested. "We can drop her off when we reach someplace with Big People."

"Or we could throw her down the Cahadras slopes and end everything," Boromir growled.

"Can't she find her own way home? She looks smart," said Merry.

"I am," I said smugly. "But I dunno know where to go."

"We could eat her," Gimli said.

"GIMLI!" Gandalf's voice was like thunder.

"Only joking, Gandalf."

"I think Sam's idea is the most wise," Legolas spoke. "We cannot leave her, or let her loose. And I do not think one who smells like that is so delicious to chew upon."

"Are you saying I stink?"

"Would you attack me if I said yes?"

"Yes, most definitely."

"No, then."

I crossed my arms and frowned.

"So it is settled," Aragorn jumped in. "Evelyn, you shall come with us until we reach civilization."


He looked at me for a long time.


"Listen, girl. This journey is highly clandestine and not to be taken lightly. You cannot exclaim your happiness or jump or dance or sing if you want to come with us. You seem overly hyperactive sometimes, which can be a dead giveaway to everyone else. If you come along, you must be obedient and silent, for females are inferior to the males. Now, hold out your hand."

I held out my right hand.

"Now repeat after me, Evelyn. I shall not be a tyrant or a nuisance to the Fellowship of the Ring. I shall remain a quiet woman, a respectable lady. I solemnly swear upon Elbereth that I shall heed every order of any in this group of good doers."

I burst out laughing.

"Good doers? Sounds like some sort of yogurt."

He glared at me, so I quickly shut up and repeated as much as I could remember, making up some gushy stuff along the way. They all thought I was crazy, but I was crazy AND super-intelligent, which they'd definitely find out later.

"Good, Evenlyn," Aragorn said after I finished my stupid speech. "Now, we need you to get in some proper clothes. You are sure to freeze to death in those garments, whatever they are."

"P'jammies, you silly fish."

"What did you say to me?"


I could tell he was really getting irritated, but this game was getting fun. He sighed and reached into his pack, and produced a heavy cream colored wool shawl. He handed it to me. I fingered it.

"Oohh, pretty!" I exclaimed happily.

"It was from Arwen to keep ME warm and to keep her in my mind," he sighed.

"Oh? So what else do you have on your mind?" I wiggled my eyebrows.

"Hush. Put on the shawl before you freeze to a block of ice, girl."

"Whatever you say, Argie. Whatever you say."

"What did you call me?"