Middle Earth Employment Agency

Part 1


Four diminutive figures make their way to the counter.

"Are you all together?"

One of the little chaps, who is wearing a scarf replies in a Scottish accent….

"Are we altogether what?"

Counter Clerk sighing "Please all of you take a seat"

Small Scottish one proceeds to make off with a chair.


Some shuffling ensues as all 4 try to fit into 2 (albeit normal size) seats.

After some over-lengthy discussions (2 hours) about how they are related to each other the clerk is able to continue her questions (She is going to wish she never saw this lot).

"What was your last line of work?"

Pretty one with large eyes - "Destroying the one ring and saving Middle Earth from the forces of evil."

Slightly tubby one – "Helping Mr Frodo destroy the one ring and save Middle Earth from the forces of evil. And Gardening."

The one without the scarf – "Helping slay the Witch King of Agmar thus saving Middle Earth from the forces of evil.

Trouble maker with scarf – Making stupid enquiries about second breakfast, Dropping things down wells, waking up the Balrog. Gazing in to the Palantir when I was told not to, and slaying a few orcs thus assisting in saving Middle Earth from the forces of evil.

"So of all 4 of you, only one has a marketable skill. Mr Gamgee I think we can find you something but I am afraid the rest of you are more difficult to place. We don't get a lot of employers who want 'Saving Middle Earth from the forces of evil' on their employee's CV's.


Part 2

Elderly gent with a long white beard and pointy hat.

After some checking that he is entitled to work having arrived from overseas…

"What skills have you that an employer might find useful?"

Having gone through Balrog-fighting, King-making and talking to moths, gent mentions he can light fires.

"Yes, very good Mr Mithrandir, but we have these things called 'matches'" Some grumbling and muttering about not meddling in the affairs of Wizards takes place.

"Um, if you didn't want us to meddle in your affairs why have you come here?"

Eventually pointy hat admits he can talk to horses...or as he seems to call them 'mare ass'

"Ok I'll put you down as a horse whisperer then…Next!"

Part 3

A black robed and hooded figure approaches the counter.

"Witch King of Agmar!"

Confused Clerk - "Which King of Agmar what?"

"No ssilly that'ss me!"

"What kind of work are you seeking Mr Ovagmar?"

"Killing thingss."

Have you worked in an abattoir before?"


"A slaughterhouse"

"I like it! When can I sstart?"


Part 4

Rather pretty pointy eared creature with long blonde tresses and big blue eyes.

"And what can I do for you?" Counter clerk is rather warm and flustered but the day definitely looks brighter.

"I need a job, I'm a good tracker a magnificent shot with a bow, I can run across snow drifts I have excellent hearing and I have been told my only fault is that I tend to state the obvious can you help me?"

Dazed clerk, who hasn't listened to the content of this speech at all, having been too busy gazing at pretty elf.

"If I found you a telephone directory could you read it to me?"

"What's a telephone directory?"

"Um! Never mind, have you considered nude modelling? For one very special client I can give you my – sorry I mean their address right away"

Elf gets up in a bit of a snit.

"I don't think you're taking this seriously good morning to you!"



Part 5

Tall rather scruffy dark haired guy with a rather large sword.

"That's an enormous long weapon you have there – so it is true what they say about Rangers!"

Ranger guy blushes and adjusts his clothing

"And your name please?"

"My full name?"

"Yes of course"

"This could take some time."

(Some time later)



"Come off it! You can't be more than 50 and that's with a good face job"

Ranger guy threatens to get his weapon out so clerk decides to change the subject.

"And what sort of work are you looking for Mr…erm Elfstone?"

…Some time later….

"My you have been a busy boy haven't you?" Orc slaying and long distance running are rather specialised fields; knowing what bare rock can tell sounds a bit new age if you don't mind me saying so, and having that very large weapon whilst very impressive isn't exactly the kind of skill most clients are looking for. Also I feel constrained to point out that most jobs these days have some sort of dress code and require just a little more adherence to smart dressing than wearing the same clothes for months on end and only washing your hair when your girlfriend is about."

Guy mumbles something into his beard.

"No we don't have any vacancies for a King." Sorry


Part 6

Dark Haired Pointy eared man wearing a maxi dress (or if you're feeling charitable a robe) he also has a rather nice headband.

I should say before we start Mr Spock ..er sorry Mr Elrond that we do treat everyone equally so your gender choice isn't an issue.

(Clerk shrinks back when faced with the eyebrows of Doom)

"Perhaps you would care to tell me about your recent employment?"

"I see, well, being a herald sounds very impressive even if I'm not sure what it is they do. And you run your own household? Very commendable and forward thinking. Skills as a healer? Now that is useful leave your number and we'll give you a ring."

Vulcan look-alike points out he already has a ring and it's called Vilya. Clerk decides that she doesn't want any more to do with a man who wears dresses and talks to jewellery.


Clerk groans as she sees 14 rather short characters making towards her, most of them have beards and one of them (the shortest one) has a look of good natured bafflement on his face. Clerk decides she has had quite enough for one morning and puts up her 'Closed for Lunch' sign.