Tears on My Pillow

By: Alien.Girl

Disclaimer: I don't own any JAG or any of its characters. All I have is a rusty '87 Oldsmobile and
cat named TJ. Please don't sue.

Summary: Mac's done.


I woke up that morning thinking that my life had changed for the better. The night before was amazing. My heart raced the instant our lips touch. And from there I knew that I couldn't go back to the way things were before.

Yah, I woke up thinking my life had changed for the better. But when I rolled over expecting to find the comfort of his warm body, I found cold emptiness instead.

The ride to work was confusing. So many thoughts swarmed in my head that I don't even know how I got to work. When I reached the bullpen things seamed to be in the same rampid pace. I looked around and saw no signs of Harm in his office. So I went to the break room.

When I walked into the room, all I saw was the back of a tall man staring intensely at the coffee maker. For a moment, words escaped me. I couldn't exactly wrap my fingers around the words I wanted to say. It must have taken him a moment to hear me. Harm turned around. His eyes focused on me for a little while.

"Good Morning." He said quietly.

The words 'Good Morning' triggered something in me. I decided that he was a coward and that I needed to leave this damn situation before I lost my sanity.

"Good morning?" I paused. Then went on angrily. "I see how it's going to be, Harm. Yah, good morning to you to Harm."

I turned to leave, but he stopped me by wrapping his arm around me.

"Woah Mac."

"Harm, don't."

"What?"

"Don't do this to me. Just let me go, so I can have some dignity." I said with my back towards him.

His arm was still on me. I was absorbing the feel of it touching me because I knew it was probably the last time. I could already feel myself losing control my emotions. Tears were threatening me. I wanted to me hurting. I wanted him to look into my eyes and see how much he was killing me. I wanted to hurt him like he was hurting me, so I turned to face him. The moment his eyes touched mine I knew he felt it. Harm felt it so bad that he had to look down afterwards.

"Mac..." He started and paused.

"What...what Harm?"

He looked at me once. "We're never going to pull this off our we?"

Tears were escaping my eyes. I just kept thinking God Harm, don't do this. Look what you're doing to me.

"Is that what you're thinking?"

"We keep screwing this up." He replied with a saddend tone.

I again paused. "What do you want to do, Harm?"

"I don't know."

"The ball's in your court."

"No, it's in our court."

"Well, I'm tired of this game, Harm."

"Me too."

"No, Harm. You want to play this game forever. You just want to juggle me around, so you won't ever have to settle. You're scared. And guess what? I'm through."

He was at a loss for words. With that, I gathered up the strength that I had left and walked away. I told the Admiral that I wasn't feeling well and I went straight home.

When I got to my apartment, I was tired. But when I layed down on my sheets, they went covered in his scent. So, I decided to get back up and walk into my living room. I sat at the corner of my couch and pulled my knees to my chest. For the rest of the day, I stayed in that position plagued by my own thoughts.

The living room was dark when I heard gentle knocks on the door. I stood up and turned the light on before walking to the door. I opened the door to reveal a tall Commander who could be thought of as tough if he didn't have the stains of tears on his cheeks.

For a moment, we just look at each other. That's all we could do. Then he takes the first step and wraps his arms around me. We cry together.

After about ten minutes, he pulls away a short distance but keeps his hands on my shoulders. His mouth opens to speak, but at first nothing comes out. I am patient and wait. Finally, I hear it.

"I need you."

Nothing else needed to be said. I placed my lips on his. Our kiss is desperate.

Yah, I woke up this morning expecting to find the comfort of his warm body. When I rolled over, I found him staring intently at me.

"Hey." He whispered.

"Hey."

I would never wake up to an emptiness again.