Foreword: Vince McMahon's latest brainchild has been another wrestling reality TV show. He was bored with torturing non-wrestlers on the many 'tough enough' programs and now he wanted to take his frustrations out on something else but still gather ratings. All of the wrestlers wanted to be chosen. If they were, they would get paid for taking a vacation even if it was in a so-called haunted house and not having to worry about being in shape or on time for about 22 weeks. They were going to have it made. Not much time is going to be covered by this story cos it's a 27 hour flight.
**story starts here**
"The 13 specially chosen world wrestling federation superstars are…" Michael Cole spoke loud and clear over the microphone.
"Jeff Hardy, Edge, Randy Orton, the Undertaker… " After each name the audience showed their support or disregard for the wrestlers.
"… Maven, Raven, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin… " As each name was called the wrestler's came to the stage. It was cold in wwf New York that night. It was snowing outside and backstage all the wrestlers huddled close.
"… Triple H, Kurt Angle, Matt Hardy, Molly and… Lita."
Jeff rolled his eyes and leaned on Edge for support. "God save us all," he muttered. Edge shook with silent laughter.
"However," Tazz rose to his feet and addressed the crowd, "these tough kids must not only face each other and possibly some supernatural visitors but also a brutal climate, harsh conditions and barbaric peoples," he paused for effect, just long enough for Michael Cole to butt in again.
"that's right down under fans. We're sending them to Australia."
Matt and Lita were the last ones off the stage after voicing their opinions about the project to the fans and they came across one of the cutest sights they had ever seen when they eventually got off the stage and looked away from each other.
Jeff was curled up on the ground backstage asleep, around him (Also asleep) was Edge, Randy Orton, Maven and Raven. They were surrounded by their baggage and looked like tuckered out puppies in a pet shop window. The only differences being a lot less hair and the presence of Al Snow and Kane. Happy to finally have peace they were now celebrating, each of them were holding a large hose and creeping towards the slumbering boys disguised as men (note from Madame: oh and what men!). Matt got Al's attention and mouthed 'what are you doing?' Al laughed loudly and shouted "paybacks a bitch, boys!!" Jeff the lightest sleeper of the lot looked up groggily.
Suddenly all 5 of them were showered with ice cold water. This brought on a chorus of cursing that could of made Stone Cold blush if he wasn't at that moment laughing at them. Differences settled and bodies dried, the 13 along with Kevin Kelly (the US correspondent) boarded the plane and prepared for the 27-hour journey. To the horror of most of the wrestlers, they had been booked into economy class 'cos Vince blew heaps of money on the publicity and securing of a 'haunted' house, etc. The seating arrangements are as follows;
Back of the plane.
Window, Molly, Kurt Angle, empty seat, Aisle.
Jeff, Edge, Randy Orton.
Maven, taker, Raven.
Rock, Matt, Lita.
Austin, Triple H, Kevin Kelly.
Front of the plane.
The Undertaker was asleep as soon as he hit the seat. Everyone else was much too excited.
Half an hour later Triple H was bullying Kevin Kelly, The Rock was drawing eyes on the back of the sleeping rattlesnake's head. Matt and Lita were asleep on each other's shoulders, Molly and Kurt were being ignored and the Undertaker was still asleep but now he had on a complimentary sleep mask (you know, the ones with optional stickers) with a sticker that said 'wake for meals'. Jeff, Edge, Randy, Maven and Raven were bored shitless. Maven stood up to stretch and saw what The Rock was doing.
"Dwayne, can me and the boys borrow some markers, please?"
"Sure jabroni, what are you usin' them for?"
Maven gestured to the face of the sleeping taker. "We're gonna…"
"It doesn't matter what you're usin' 'em for!" he smiled and handed over 5 brightly colored markers (red, purple, green, yellow and orange). By the time the stewardess had come to wake the Undertaker for his meal, he was a living artwork (well… more so!). They had covered his face (those bits that hadn't been protected by the mask) in bright and lively drawings, they had also designed a new sticker and lovingly placed it on the mask, it read 'please don't laugh at my friends pretty drawings.' She (the stewardess) couldn't help herself although she tried to stifle that giggle. Suprisingly that's what woke the badass up. In one quick movement he ripped the mask of and leapt to his feet unfortunately (for him) forgetting momentarily that he was on a plane. The phenom airborne flew over the seat in front and joined Lita in Matt's lap. The boys that had caused this mayhem couldn't help laughing either, they folded over their drop down trays and nearly choked through laughing so hard. Finally Taker got up and it looked like he was going off to sulk when the young guys realized that he was just going to the bathroom. It struck Edge first. "Um… excuse me, stewardess." She looked up from another passenger and wandered over. Edge was troubled, "does the bathroom have a mirror?"
"Do you need to freshen up?" Jeff and Randy teased.
Molly stood up tired of being ignored, "if the Undertaker looks in the mirror, he'll see what you guys did. " she looked smug. "Not that I'd do that cos I'm so pure and." She didn't get a chance to finish, Lita lunged over 3 people and the takers empty seat to thump Molly in the face.
" SHUT UP, BITCH!" Lita wasn't happy that taker had landed on her when he leapt into the air and as a result was capable of many violent things. Molly wasn't the only one to shut up, the entire cabin didn't say a word till the Undertaker got back. He sat down and put his mask on. Jeff got the purple marker and reached over but Maven caught his hand and shook his head violently. Jeff looked confused after all it had been Maven's idea. Randy signaled to Maven that he understood, he pulled Jeff down behind the taker's chair.
"What are you doing, man?" he smacked Jeff across the back of his rainbow head. Jeff raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"He noticed," said Randy pointing "look he's washed it off!" Jeff's eyes grew wide, he mouthed a swear word. He peeked slowly over the chair to be met by Raven.
"Aaaaaargh!" yelled Jeff caught completely unaware.
"Aaaaaargh!" yelled Raven not expecting Jeff to yell at him.
"Aaaaaargh!" yelled Raven, again not expecting the Undertaker to grab him by the throat and bring him close to his face (still wearing the mask I might add).
"If I catch you drawing on my face, boy. I'll cut you open and draw with my fists on your insides." He pulled Raven closer "you got that?" Raven nodded and excused himself to the bathroom.
Molly was crying and holding her swollen eye, she felt a hand on her leg. When she looked away from the window, it was that drop-kick Kurt. She wasn't impressed so she turned away.
"Molly?" Kurt spoke softly to her as you would a frightened animal, "are you okay?"
She couldn't answer so she just kept crying. This display was breaking Kurt's heart.
"Oh, come here." He held her in his arms until she stopped sobbing.
'Wow,' thought Molly, 'I never noticed how strong Kurt is.' She inhaled slowly to stop herself sniveling. 'Or how manly he smells.'
Similar thoughts were going through Kurt's mind. 'I never noticed how fragile Molly is or how feminine she smells.' Reality caught him. ' Oh god I've got a crush on Molly.'
While the truth slowly dawned on her. 'Oh my gosh i've got a crush on Kurt.'
The last thought hit them both simultaneously. Molly realized that Kurt had pulled her into his lap and she slapped Kurt hard across his fat, ugly face. Kurt moved into the empty seat next to him and held his bright red face. Neither of them spoke to each other for the rest of the flight.
At the sound of hand on face Jeff, Edge and Randy jumped out of their seats and hung off the back of them.
"Oh no, trouble in paradise," Randy mocked Kurt, "it's true, it's true."
Kurt went even redder. "Knock it off, you guys." Then he started to laugh and point at Jeff's face. Edge and Randy looked at each other confused, then at Jeff.
"Dude, did you get any of your dinner in your mouth?" Edge could barely spit out the words, he and Randy doubled over and laughed until tears streamed down their faces.
Jeff's face was covered in his dinner and multi-colored candy remnants clung to his facefluff. He had brought skittles onto the plane. Jeff bent over the seat and then proceeded to swing from the overhead compartments. Edge, Randy and Kurt were still laughing but Molly hadn't even looked up.
'They're laughing at me, I can't believe it I thought they were such nice guys too!' Molly saw red, her knuckles went white.
"Laugh at this!" she screamed punching Jeff right in his freshly filled stomach.
Jeff's eyes twitched and he froze. The laughter stopped abruptly. Jeff grabbed his stomach, groaned loudly and dropped back to his seat. Randy eyed him cautiously, while Edge jumped up and stood in the aisle, "Jeff?" Randy leant over his friend. "What's wrong?"
Jeff grabbed for a paper bag, "dinner's coming back, my friend. And it's not happy." He chucked up for all he was worth. Looking miserable and pale Jeff slept out most of the rest of the trip.
Maven was writing furiously in his diary and Raven was checking out the stewardess, the Taker appeared to be once again asleep. Raven having been slapped several times decided that she really wasn't his type, he snatched Maven's diary and proceeded to read it out loud, "I'll spend every moment of this trip thinking of you, mom." Then a little creeped out decided to just wave in front of taker's face knowing that Maven wouldn't dare risk the Undertaker waking up. Raven ripped couple of pages out of the diary and stuck it deep down behind the taker's belt really quickly. Maven watched horrified, Undertaker knew that he had the diary and would have destroyed him for glancing at his crotch let alone filling it with paper. Maven closed his eyes and waited for the backlash. It never came. Instead of seeing the Undertaker's fist momentarily in front of his face when he opened his eyes, there was only The Rock's seat. He looked at the Taker, who didn't seem to have moved at all. Maven let out a loud sigh of relief and dropped his head into his hands.
"Ow!" Maven's head came into contact with the drop down tray. He maneuvered his hands out from under it and rubbed his forehead. Looking down at the tray, there was an odd crumpled ball of paper sitting on top of his diary. 'What a strange way to deliver a message.' Maven thought confused. As he reached for the paper, he heard a strange high-pitched whining. He decided to ignore. His fingers were millimeters from the ball. When Taker's hand shot out and caught him by the wrist.
"I wouldn't touch that if I were you, boy."
Maven looked up really slowly. Taker had pulled off the mask and was now cutting off Raven's circulation from a rather uncomfortable point. Raven's face was red, his eyes were watering and he was standing inn the aisle jumping up and down. Maven's eyes grew wide and he gingerly crossed his legs as taker reached over and took the paper ball. He put it down the front of Raven's trousers and let him go. Maven was mortified at such cruelty. Taker put on his sleeping mask and went back to sleep, smiling evilly. Raven grabbed hold of the other chairs to steady himself, he looked like he wads about to die. He staggered away in search of urgent medical aid.
'Good god! Taker damn near ripped his balls off.' Maven couldn't help but wince…and go to sleep.
"I'll kill her!" Lita was still fuming.
"You tell her, hun." The Rock smiled.
Matt spun to him, "don't encourage her, please." He pleaded turning back to his mildly pissed off girlfriend, "violence never solved anything." That remark got him the glaring of a lifetime. Matt shuddered. He hated it when she was like this because anything could set her off on a mad killing spree.
"I think you should agree with her, let her mutilate Molly, then go get you some pie." Rock suggested loudly winking at Matt.
Matt was speechless. Lita wasn't.
"Sound's good to me." She laughed and stood up rubbing her knuckles, "Molllyyyy!" she dragged out the name to get her victim's attention. Matt pulled her back to her seat by the waistband of her pants.
"Hey!" she exclaimed, "you trying to get into my pants?" Lita rapped his knuckles with her own and pulled away. Matt stopped and looked like he was silently weighing up the pros and con's (as you do, I suppose).
"Actually, " The Rock piped up again, "it looks to The Rock like he doesn't want to get 'into' your pants. He looks like he's tryin' to get you 'out of' your pants."
Matt started to reply then changed his mind and nodded at her.
"Oh really?" Lita stood over him with her hands on her hips. Matt lowered his head and did the puppy dog face.
"Oh, alright." She rolled her eyes and sat in his lap. As they started to kiss, Lita saw The Rock watching, and laughing and waving. She poked Matt hard in the chest and pointed to the smiling Samoan.
"Excuse me do you mind?" Matt was gritting his teeth.
The Rock pointed to his own chest, "does The Rock mind? No you just keep on going there jabroni." Matt was now grinding his teeth, Lita looked around and noticed a couple of empty seats at the back of the cabin.
"I have a better idea." She said pulling Matt to the rear of the plane. The Rock just laughed again and re started his letter to 'pebbles' his daughter.
Stone Cold was still asleep but every so often he would say 'Debra' as though he was in pain and punch the chair in front.
All along Triple H had been bothering Kevin Kelly.
"You know, The Rock's right. You are a really ugly hermaphrodite"
Kevin wasn't sure what to do. Triple H had gotten on the plane drunk and seemed to enjoy remaining drunk.
"And you know what else, your son is a weasel." Hunter nudged him, "so what do you think of that huh wise guy?"
Triple H was so inebriated that he probably wouldn't hear him rebut.
"I think you married a bitch, after you dated a dog and you're getting kinda fat." Kelly smiled at him.
Triple H placed his hands on Kelly's shoulder's, "if you want to talk about dogs, let's talk about your wife…woof, woof."
Kevin was shocked. 'Wow he can still hear me, I wonder if he can still see me?'
Kevin waved his open hand in front of Triple H's face for a while. Hunter watched it carefully then tried to hit it. Kevin watched in wonder as a drunken Triple H hit himself between the eyes and knocked himself out just in time for Kevin to watch the inflight movie in peace.
(Note from Madame: Matt and Lita rejoined the group around the 20-hour mark.)
**24 and a 1/2 hours later. **
The wrestlers were not very good at changing timezones and they all woke up slowly. Triple H sitting at the front of the group, was told that the trip was coming to an end and that he had to hand out hotel passes and keys (the wrestler's had to stay in a hotel when they got to Australia because their flight came in at 2 am and there is no way in hell anyone in Australia was going to wake up at that time even to let wrestler's into their house). He seemed to have sobered up as he thanked the stewardess politely and took the package off her. He stood to address the merry bunch of travelers.
"I'd like to thank the academy."
At this everyone looked up except Austin still happily asleep. Taker stood up, "Hunter, how many fingers am I holding up?" he was four feet in front of Triple H holding his fist towards him with only his middle finger extending.
"I'd like to thank the little people like these two…" Triple H looked down at Matt and Lita… more specifically Lita.
"If I could look down any diva's shirt the way I'm looking at your puppies I would not be able to wrestle cos I'd be…"
"HEY!" Matt threw himself at Hunter's throat and pulled him over the seat. Lita took this opportunity to charge over to Molly and hit her again and again and again.
Triple H was fighting to get to his feet, he happened to kick Austin in the head. Austin fully regenerated woke up, saw Kevin Kelly cowering and heard the multiple fights behind him. He lunged over the seat to attack The Rock. Maven stood up and yelled at the Undertaker who had just sat down again and picked up a gun magazine.
"Stop them they'll kill us all."
Taker didn't look up, he just shrugged.
"Damn it, GET UP!" Maven slapped the Undertaker upside the head and instantly regretted it. The entire row of seats behind them gasped and leant back. The Taker looked (to put it mildly) really pissed off. Raven took this opportunity to pissbolt (for all no-Aussies this means to start running as though one's life depends on it) into the aisle where he fell and hit his head, he half sat up rubbing his head. Maven was terrified but decided that the best defense was attack, in the 2 squared feet he had to himself he pushed off the side of the plane (still in the air and tilting slightly) and tackled the Undertaker. The both of them heavily involved in brawling fell on Raven who simply squealed.
Kevin Kelly was hiding. Jeff slowly climbed over the seat of the mad wrestlers and sat next to Kelly. Edge and Randy looked at the ensuing carnage then at each other.
They pushed each other (like the Dudleys used to) then launched themselves over their chairs and onto Kurt Angle. The stewardess walked in and screamed. The only people associated with wrestling that were not fighting were Jeff who was conveniently asleep and Kevin Kelly who was trying to hide behind an issue of women's weekly (magazine for Australian women). Jeff, who rarely got angry, seeing the stewardess so upset, took it upon himself to stop the free-for-all.
"Guys this is really immature, I mean even for me. "
Jeff was silenced by Kurt's foot. It hit him in the face with an astonishing force knocking Jeff over and driving Kevin Kelly into the window seat to cower.
Randy and Edge stopped fighting long enough to realize that they were no longer hitting Kurt but each other.
Taker, head bleeding profusely, looked over the plane. In the aisle in front of him nearly unconscious were Jeff and Kurt Angle, below him in a similar state were Maven, Raven, Stone Cold and The Rock. Behind him Matt, Triple H, Edge and Randy were fighting to breathe.
The Undertaker shook his head sadly, this was not what he became a wrestler for. About to call an end to the massacre he noticed, on the row of seats previously occupied by Molly and Kurt, Lita was thrashing Molly. Molly was in worse shape than Maven whom he had personally ground up and spit out and Lita wasn't tiring.
'Damn,' Taker just stood almost hypnotized by Molly's bloodied face, 'Good God, is she still alive?'
"Alright, Hellcat" avoiding the flailing arms and legs, Taker lifted Lita off Molly's battered and broken body and into her own seat. He pointed a ham-sized fist at her, "STAY!"
A piercing wolf whistle sounded. Everyone looked up at the captain. He had a big freaky smile on his face. "If you don't get back to your seats, I'm dropping you off here. I mean it this is the end… of your 27 hour flight. Welcome to Australia everyone."
TO BE CONTINUED…