Madame Bloodbathe: Good morning happy little house watchers. This is my favorite chapter so I thought I'd introduce it personally.
We open this chapter with a beautiful golden-red sunrise.
The house is nearly silent except for the garden. The birds are singing, slowly in the house people begin to stir. Walking around without a care in the world, wandering ever so slowly around trying to force their eyes to adapt to the sunlight.
Everyone careful not to wake up anyone else, each showing the other the proper respect and admiration that he/she deserved.
The only sound that pierces the silence is the minimal ringing of the mobile phone.
"Room 6 at the Bournely twilight rest home for the terminally short of brain. Jeff speaking. How may I direct your call?"
Back in the US Linda McMahon laughed loudly, "good morning Jeffrey. I'm sorry if I woke you but Vincent is concerned that Raven isn't in the house. I don't suppose you know where he is?"
Jeff rolled off the kitchen table and handed the phone to the sleeping Undertaker on the lounge, "It's for you."
"Deadman hungover. What do you want?" still slightly inebriated but none the less in a good mood from the previous night, the grizzled veteran answered the phone with a lame remark and a chuckle.
Linda was forced to laugh again, "hello Mark. What have you done with Raven? Vincent's worried that he's not there."
Taker rubbed his eyes and sat up stretching, "No Ma'am. He's here all right. He just decided that he'd rather be out in the yard helping me with my latest project on this fine morning than lie in bed whiling away the hours."
Note from Madame: Linda was very surprised indeed.
Linda sounded very surprised indeed. "Really? Well, what a surprise. I had no idea."
"Well in all honesty. Neither does he." The Undertaker hung up and walked outside into the garden.
He looked around what a beautiful day to start yard work. The sun in shining, the birds are singing. Everything is covered in dew. The whole yard looks fresh and crisp and clean.
The Undertaker picked up the garden hose and began watering the trees and the flowers. Then he put his thumb over the nozzle and sauntered over the fresh dirt patch that looked like a grave, with a large stone in the middle. Taker pointed the nozzle at the 'stone' and let the water flow.
"ARGH! GOD DAMN! COLD, COLD. YOU BASTARD I'LL KILL YOU."
A smile graced the Deadmans face, "good morning Raven. Pretty funny for a crippled hack, huh?"
Raven tried to move but found to his dismay that he had been buried up to his neck in the dirt. And was now sporting a haircut similar to the man who gave it to him.
"And how is the patient? SHUT UP!" Austin trudged out to where the Undertaker stood watering Raven's head with the hose. He leaned down and looked at Raven's freshly shaved scalp. "I can just about see myself in there. "
"Credit where credit is due. You did a hell of a job there Steve." Taker had his left hand in his pocket and his right hand holding the hose.
Austin quickly filled the left hand with a beer can. He shoved his now empty hand into his own pocket.
Raven's "heartbreaking" cries had woken the rest of the house. Jeff was still fairly asleep on the dining table without the faintest idea as to how he got there. Matt and Lita having made up and "made up" during the night (many times) woke happily in each other's arms, on the floor under a bed in 'alpha'. Edge and Maven had been playing some sort of card game on the kitchen bench top where they had woken shortly after Raven's screams, Edge with an ace up his sleeve and Maven with a queen up his nose. Triple H woke up in 'alpha' normally but was confused to see Matt and Lita crawling out from under his bed. The Rock woke up with an extra arm draped across his chest. He looked back to find Molly behind him 'at least it's not a guy' he thought. He looked at the cameras and panic began to set in.
At roughly 10:30am everyone (except Raven and Kurt) sat around the table.
"What went on last night?" Triple H took the floor.
Stone Cold stood up, "BEER!" Stone Cold sat down.
Triple H scowled at him, "duh! What happened after the beer?"
The Undertaker laughed, "well I knocked out Raven and buried him up to his neck in dirt. And he (pointing at Austin) shaved his head. And I can't account for anyone else."
Lita sat on Matt's lap twirling his hair around one of her fingers, "we're back together. And that's how we spent most of the night."
Jeff bolted from the room again with Edge and Maven on his heels. Matt looked in the general direction of Jeff and his posse. "I'm willing to bet they were looking at porn last night."
"I can back that up." The Rock raised his hand.
Triple H stood up again, "does anyone know what I was doing last night?"
The phone rang. Triple H looked at it. He answered it slowly.
"SHOW HER THE BACK OF YOUR HAND? YOU JUST WAIT TIL I GET YOU HOME. YOU SELFISH BASTARD." Stephanie screeched over the phone.
The Game cringed, "I didn't mean it literally I meant it more in a figurative sense."
Hunter walked away to argue with his wife despite the fact that even when he was at the top of the stairs everyone could still hear Stephanie clearly.
Austin laughed, "there's no way I'd ever get that whipped. (He turned to the Undertaker) If I do kill me."
Taker shrugged, "deal."
"Doesn't anyone care where I was last night?" Molly whined.
The Rock stood up and moved to the other side of the table. "Every one could hear where you were. Damn you almost deafened the Rock. I wouldn't be surprised if you kept the whole of the USA awake last night."
"I'll second that." Lita said.
Molly spun to face her, "yeah like you're so quiet. Why can't you stay out of this you stupid bitch!"
Matt deposited Lita on the seat in front of him and bailed, "nice knowing ya. (He waved at Molly) I'm gonna watch Raven dig his way out with a spoon. Anyone else coming?"
All the guys in the room followed him out. They didn't torment Raven, they stood under the kitchen window where they could hear the screaming match.
"FILTHY WHORE." (Lita)
"FAT COW" (Molly)
"GOD DAMNED SLUT" (Lita)
"What's going on?" (Kurt)
"THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" (Molly and Lita)
"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME" (Molly)
"YOU DESERVED IT" (Lita)
Molly swung and Lita hit the deck. Kurt copped a mean right hand in the mouth knocking out three teeth, all in front.
"I'm so sorry." Molly said.
"I'm not." Lita yelled thumping her in the face.
~ Outside ~
"I can't hear anything. Do you think they're O.K.?" Asked the Rock.
"Sssshhhhhh!!" The others all hissed at him.
Matt stood up and looked through the window, "I'm not worried. Oh oh, INCOMING!"
The bodies hit the floor as the door slid open. The only women in the house came flying through the doorway; punching, kicking and screaming. They fought their way to the shed and jumped in the ring. In Lita's corner stood Matt and Kurt stood in Molly's. Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Undertaker and the Rock stood on the neutral side watching in fascination.
~* Outside *~
"STOP LAUGHING YOU MEAN BASTARDS!" Raven yelled in exasperation.
Jeff, Edge and Maven were doubled over, tears streamed down their faces. They were howling with laughter.
The little posse had covered Raven's bald head with dirt so only his face was showing after he had confessed that it wasn't one of his nuts that the Undertaker had eaten after all but only a chocolate coated rum ball. They weren't laughing at the fact that it wasn't one of Raven's nuts but that he had called the Undertaker a crippled hack to his face and then woken up buried in the ground.
~* Back in the shed *~
Note from Madame: lets get it straight right now. Molly and Lita are not wrestling. They are fighting! This is soon to erupt into a full-scale war. So prepare to see the blood flow like water.
After about 10 minutes of tooth-and-nail fighting both Lita and Molly were covered in blood, it poured down both of their faces, arms and wherever flesh had been showing. The sight of them both trying to kill each other yet again was making their audience sick. Kurt trying to replant his teeth back in his gums and Matt sitting on the steel steps were ready to call it quits. But the veterans wouldn't let them.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET DOWN FROM THERE!" Austin yelled at Kurt.
The Rock ejected Kurt from the shed, "GO BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE, JABRONI."
Matt was kinda creeped out watching the divas fighting like animals, no even animals had remorse.
"How long are you going to let them fight?" he turned away from the ring. He was by no means a squeamish guy I mean he had sewed up Kurt's forehead when Molly had bashed him but now the blood was starting to get to him.
The Undertaker didn't take his eyes from the action in the ring, "until they have nothing left to fight about."
"Good luck." Matt called. He had to get out of there. He walked outside to the yard breathing loudly. "What are you guys looking at?"
Matt strode to the bare patch of ground with a lump in it.
"God damn it's got a face." He laughed.
Raven was not amused especially when Kurt emerged from the shed with a sharp looking shovel.
"As an American hero I see it as my duty to help you out." He stuck to shovel in the ground.
"NO! GOOD GOD, MAKE HIM STOP! YOU IDIOT. IF YOU DIG ANY DEEPER YOU'LL SEVER MY SHOULDER FROM MY BODY." Raven cried out for all he was worth.
The Rock laughed, "yeah we wouldn't want to kill the pigeon."
"Raven." Said Raven.
"Pigeon." Said the Rock.
"Eat me." Said Raven.
After 20 minutes of mindless arguing and pointless name-calling. Austin emerged from the shed and Triple H came out of the house.
Matt looked up, "have they stopped?"
Stone Cold Steve Austin shook his head, "nah, they're still going strong." He looked over his shoulder briefly, "hunter. Go fetch me a spoon. A small one."
Reluctantly Triple H turned tail and got a spoon from the kitchen. "What'd I miss?"
"Well, aliens abducted and gang probed Jeff, while Maven met the woman of his dreams only to find out she was Edge in a skirt. And then…" Raven stopped when he realized the incredible disadvantage that he was at.
Austin kicked Raven a bit (just hard enough to let him know who it was, not enough to decapitate him, although that would have made life interesting), "you don't want us to dig you out but you want out. Is that right?… Speak up I can't hear you."
Raven groaned, "yes that's right."
Steve laughed, "so how exactly are you planning on getting out? If we don't dig you out and you can't… No wait I got an idea."
Austin took the spoon off Triple H and shoved it in Raven's mouth. He pointed down at him, "DIG!"
Raven shook his head to get the dirt off and started to dig himself out using the spoon, the really little spoon.
It took roughly three minutes for everyone to fall apart. Jeff, Edge and Maven started it. They started to giggle and shove one another.
Then Matt had to join them.
Kurt and Triple H found it funny at the 5 minute mark.
Finally Austin and the Rock cracked up too.
The whole yard was laughing except Raven who realized that he would only be able to dig for so long before he couldn't reach the dirt. He knew that that would be soon. He spat out the spoon, "merciless bastards." He stayed still.
"Oh come on man… you're almost at… your own…nipples." Jeff was on the floor the tears began to flow again.
The Undertaker walked out of the shed with two objects slung over his shoulders. They looked like potato sacks soaked in red dye.
Matt looked at them puzzled. Why had the Undertaker left the girls in the shed by themselves, had the blood gotten to him too? He was about to call out when the sack over Taker's right shoulder looked up at him.
"Christ almighty." Matt breathed in horror. The Undertaker wasn't carrying sacks he was carrying Lita and Molly. Their clothes and hair had soaked up the all the blood.
Matt hit Kurt to get his attention and ran after the deadman.
The Undertaker gently lay Molly down on the bed in the girls' room. And left her to Kurt. He lay Lita down in 'bummer' with Matt. On his next trip up the stairs he brought bandages, ointments, ice packs and two basins. He divided the medical supplies between Matt and Kurt, then boiled the kettle still in the girls' room. He filled each basin with hot water and left Matt and Kurt to their own devices.
When the Taker came out of the house, he walked slowly dragging his feet. Austin immediately saw that something was wrong and pulled him aside.
"What's with the long face and don't tell me nothing cos. that's a bunch of crap!"
"I don't know how much more of this I can take. I thought it'd be fun but you know. I just. I miss my wife, I miss my baby girl. I miss my motorbike."
"Yeah in that order I bet." Austin remarked sarcastically.
"No really," the Undertaker shoved him, he rubbed his own forehead, "did you see them? They were ripping each other apart. I've never seen anyone fight like that before. Not even my dogs tear chunks of each other like that."
"It's your fault. You're the one that let them fight." Austin glared at him.
"What'd you say?! You better take that back." The Undertaker and Austin stood toe to toe.
"You going deaf? I said, IT'S YOUR FAULT! WHAT? I SAID IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Austin stepped back and started to yell.
"No," the Undertaker wagged his finger at Austin, "no you're wrong. I won't sink to your level, redneck scum."
Matt Hardy and Kurt Angle stormed out of the house. Matt got to the Undertaker first, "I got a bone to pick with you. You twisted, perverted old man you let them fight for your sick amusement. Do you have any idea how badly hurt they are?"
Kurt on the other hand was pleased by the Undertaker's decision, "thanks for letting them fight. Molly's so injured she won't be able to breathe without me. (He turned to Matt) how dare you criticize this man's judgment."
Note from Madame: can you say full-scale war? Try with me now. 1, 2, 3…BLOODBATH!
The phrase 'redneck scum' caught the attention of everyone in the garden.
The fact that Matt and Kurt were in on this argument increased the interest 10-fold. If they were involved it had to be good.
Matt and Kurt faded back into the ranks and like a pack of dogs they surrounded the Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin. By grouping together the men in the competition had sunk to Triple H's level, the lowest common denominator.
Criticizing the deadman's judgment and standing behind Austin was Matt Hardy, Maven and the Rock.
The others opposing Austin and backing Taker were Triple H, Edge and Kurt.
Jeff was busy taunting Raven but when he saw the magnitude of the fight about to break out he hurried to dig him out with his hands. Raven struggled against the dirt to help Jeff.
The battle began with insults thrown across the garden. Normally it would have been just harmless banter. But now was it?
"You miss your wife was that your reason for screwing Molly?" Austin yelled at the Undertaker.
"At least I don't beat my wife." Taker rebutted removing his fighting gloves.
Note from Madame: it's on now
Everyone was fighting. Friends turned on friends, friends and enemy fought side by side. And poor Jeff and Raven were caught in no man's land. Raven got one of his arms out and he helped Jeff to dig. By the time Raven had both arms free Jeff had almost dug him the whole way out. Jeff grabbed Ravens hand and pulled him out.
"Thanks dude." Raven dusted himself off.
Jeff shrugged, "it happens. Not often but it happens."
Raven looked at the ensuing carnage, "how could he just let them fight?"
Jeff looked at him, "it's the best way to get it out of your system. When they're hurt they'll stop."
Raven pushed Jeff and Jeff fell into the grave like hole, "but they didn't stop fighting Jeff. They didn't stop, they were both hurting and they… ugh."
Jeff tackled Raven to the ground.
Edge speared Maven and beat into his stomach. After a thumb to the eyes though Maven turned it around and left Edge on the ground holding his eye and writhing in pain.
Maven double-teamed Austin with Triple H, until a devastating low blow floored him.
~* In the US *~
Lights were flashing and alarms were sounding in Greenwich, Connecticut. Vince had been summoned from his sleep by his cell phone. He grabbed a dressing robe and hopped in a car. He drove straight to the WWF headquarters. As it turned out there was a full-scale war breaking out in the garden of the house. And with out exception everyone was injured.
Vince called for doctors, EMT's and security personnel to be sent from the Australian federations and organizations to stop the fight before someone got really badly hurt and the show lost ratings.
"Sir," some anonymous editor yelled from across the room. "Its Lita, sir."
Vince looked up from a strong black coffee, "what's she doing now?"
"She's stopped breathing sir…"
The fate of the house mates rest in your hands. Tell me Madame bloodbathe who you want to see live, die, leave or stay. Email me at
With fanfiction as the subject. Hurry people's lives are on the line.