Disclaimer: FORSOOTH. I don't own School Rumble, but if I did, I'd rename it BRYANT GUMBEL RUMBLE just to fuck with people.
Okay, so this is an experiment. Bear with me; first time I've ever attempted a damn 1,000 word poem in (decidedly loose) iambic pentameter and I don't even have an exact outline for what's going to happen in the fanfic. Now that I've reassured you this is going to suck like a space vacuum in space's vacuum, please enjoy.
Sing to me, muse, a tale from centuries past,
or two years, either way, gone by so fast,
of men who journeyed deep into the heart
of women who did play a crucial part
in stupidity these men committed
for these women, matter it just didn't
whether aforementioned numbskulls failed
because- oh fuck it, let's just tell the tale
Begin our journey does with young Kurasuma,
a student whose face implied lack of drama,
but that could not be farther from the truth
for this way comes a girl whose vibrant youth
was upsold by her childish appearance
Her foolishness served as her sister's penance
The love she felt for this young man was deep
But wait, for your attention I can't keep
Until I mention one young soul named Harima
The girl, Tenma, was one he found "bellissima"
(That's right, this stupid shit requires a translator)
at this point, it'd take a death to save her
from this love triangle she's now caught in
"Karasuma, a curry shop! Have you been?"
His dull eyes, even his, could hardly hide
a feeling of contempt, a word so snide.
"Yes, of course," he said with such a flat tone
with one another, they both felt alone
Harima looked on from 'round a corner
"by my beard, that jerk will never hold her!"
From behind, he felt his ear's sharp twisting
It was just the blonde who's always pissed-ing
"What are you doing," Eri asked accusingly
"how dare he," her mind screamed, "for not choosing me!"
"Damn it, rich girl," Harima responded,
"all these years and we have never bonded
so why must you follow so incessantly?
And, to top that, you speak so unpleasantly!"
Eri huffed, and called him by his nickname.
"Whiskers, Tenma's date is not some game
you can watch from far away, now stop it
with this spying stuff you do so often!"
Meanwhile, in the store, the smell of curry
was enough to stir bowels in a hurry.
A normal man would shit until he died
if the lunchtime special he did try.
Kurasuma, however, wasn't normal,
though he knew he ought to be more formal,
he got "the usual," and Tenma gasped
when a bowl big as a tub was brought fast
"Six hundred more words of this shit?!" I scream,
"man, this is so much harder than it seems!
I have to introduce a little twist
or bad reviews will fly in just like fists!"
Mikoto and Akira, almost done,
can't help but notice Kenji, not alone,
walking to a little booth with Eri
"she won't go away! This chick is scary!"
So now the whole gang's almost here, which means
the owner of this place will lose his greens
rebuilding his business from the spectacle
that is destined to occur with these respectable
agents of most bullshitty destruction
as if their whole existence is obstruction
Sing to me, muse, the clash that did begin
to strike like mortal hearts are struck with sin
Across the room, Harima witnessed then,
Karasuma was almost finished when
Tenma, laughing, said he left her nothing
in his eating frenzy, speed so stunning,
Taken with offense was mighty Kenji
"that Kaiba-looking jerk is way too stingy!"
So there and then, young Harima decided
The two of them were now to be divided.
"What the hell are you snarling at, whiskers,
they're just eating, it's not like he kissed her!"
Kenji, now impervious to reason,
with a face cold like the winter season
drew his fist back as he approached Oji
"Hey, you two are looking way too cozy!"
Next thing he knew, the bowl cut disappeared
having dodged without a trace of fear
But during Oji's very choice backflip
the half-ate tub of curry made a slip
and flew up, pouring right on Kenji's face
the girlish scream that came was a disgrace
as Harima was dealt burns on his visage
his rage went from tranquil straight to savage
like something from a horror movie, he
stood up so the whole shop his burns could see
In horror, many diners puked and fled
and from young Kenji's scars such curry bled
Kurasuma could not contain himself
and latched on that boy's face like bats from hell
He'd be damned if he would lose his sustenance
Over just some idiot's virulence
The young Tsukamoto girl had long since gone
Her dreams would be black nightmares for time long
A million pictures came from the debacle
Mikoto's cellphone caught the scene so awful
from several angles until Mr. Timothy
the English owner of the shop did bitterly
claim that none of them were to return
and "GET THE FUCK OUT" was what they would earn
for every single customer he lost
and every bit of reputation cost
Harima was taken to the ER
weeping with pain in a stranger's car
on first name basis with the work-worn staff
why he was there, they didn't even ask
Karasuma himself was ruined socially
the rumors crushed his reputation totally
"I can't believe he tried to molest Harima
the things some folks will do, it really bothers ya!"
And so thus ends our tale of food and treachery
but if you were enjoying this menagerie,
please keep in your thoughts that hero Kenji
who is paying harsh for being stingy
with a madam so plain as our Tenma
whose effect on Kenji's like an enema
allowing him to spew out so much bullshit
nobody but God himself can stop it
THE END, VERILY